The Movie Jerk

FAST FIVE (Vin Diesel, White Trash; 2011)

2011-06-28T02:58:00.011-11:00

The fifth installment of any franchise is usually more offensive than prison rape or the schizophrenic who sits on my corner screaming obscenities. His eyes are always looking in two different directions. It's as though he's adapted a stronger survival instinct to alert himself more quickly to approaching predators, or he's overmedicated and can't focus in fucking straight line. Either way, it bothers TMJ and frequently ruins his appetite. I think that the schizo resonates with my primal brain like fat people do. It isn't that I have a problem with you sucking down Twix until your heart pumps like the faint beep of a navy radar detecting an approaching warship. It's that instinctually, I believe your fat ass is going to slow down the hunting group and get us all eaten by a dinosaur.

Luckily, Fast Five is only filled with people in peak physical condition. There isn't a moment of reality in this fantastic crime caper. Except when Jordana Brewester tells Paul Walker she's pregnant. That was disturbing. There's nothing cool about babies when you're on the run. Actually, there's nothing cool about babies when you're stationary. In all seriousness though, if you're evading dealers in the favelas of Brazil with some first tri-mester baggage, you need to fast-five your ass to the clinic.

Fast Five has everything you need to make yourself feel good about driving like an asshole. Though TMJ has no real rating system, he gives this little number a "Shit Yeah."

2012 : THE MAYANS WARNED US! JOHN CUSACK, OLIVER PLATT, EARTH (2009)

2009-11-19T10:42:00.008-11:00

IF THE WORLD WERE GOING TO END IN THREE DAYS I CAN PROMISE YOU THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN'T BE DEPENDING ON AN "ARC" MADE IN CHINA TO SAVE MY LIFE. CONSIDERING THE CHINESE VALUE FLIP-FLOPS MORE THAN HUMAN LIFE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BEGIN GUESSING WHAT VARIOUS TOXIC MATERIALS OUR EASTERN NEIGHBORS USED TO CONSTRUCT THIS SUPERBOAT. NOT TO MENTION BEING ACTUALLY STUCK ON THE BOAT WITH THE CHINESE UNTIL SED BOAT ARRIVES AT ITS DESTINATION, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS UNKNOWN BECAUSE 75% OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN CONSUMED BY A TIDAL WAVE AND THE OTHER 25% CONSUMED BY OLIVER PLATT.

YOU THINK I'M DONE YET? WRONG! NOW PICTURE THIS CRAP. LET'S SAY WE FINALLY LOCATE A PIECE OF LAND THAT HAD AN ELEVATION HIGH ENOUGH NOT TO BE CONSUMED BY WATER. FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW THE LAND MASS ISN'T GOING TO BE THE SIZE OF CHINA. SECOND OF ALL, THE CHINESE OBVIOUSLY HAVE A BREEDING PROBLEM WHICH IS WHY THEY KEEP ABORTING THEIR KIDS IN APPROXMATELY THEIR 4TH TRIMESTER. (THAT'S AFTER THE KID'S BORN FOR THE IDIOTS). (THAT'S WHEN YOU PREHEAT THE OVEN TO 425 AND INVITE EVERYONE OVER FOR LITTLE HU CHOW'S LAST BIRTHDAY. "THAT HU WAS A GOOD KID. I COULD'VE TRADED HIM IN FOR A WATCH BUT WE ALL GOTTA EAT. CHEERS.") MY POINT IS, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT IS UNTIL THE ENTIRE ISLAND IS FLOODED WITH LITTLE CHINA-MEN CHASING US AROUND WITH BAMBOO CANES AND TRYING TO SEND US TO RE-EDUCATION CAMPS? IN THESE CAMPS WE WILL LEARN THAT THE CHINESE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BUILDING THE BOATS THAT SAVED OUR LIVES. THEREFORE, WE WILL WORK FOR THEM AND THEY WILL OWN THE ISLAND.

OH YEAH. THAT'S THE LITTLE SLICE OF REALITY THEY FAILED TO MENTION IN THIS HEEP-O-SHIT FILM. AS FOR THE MAYANS WARNING US ABOUT 2012? I DON'T RECALL SEEING ANY MAYANS REPRESENTED AT THE LAST U.N. COUNCIL. WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. FOR ALL THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO ARCITECTURE, AGRICULTURE AND SCIENCE, THOSE ASSHOLES COULDN'T MAKE IT PAST 900 A.D. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. HOW THE HELL DOES A SOCIETY PREDICT THE END OF THE WORLD FOR 2012 WHEN IT CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT TO 1000? GET THE OMNIPOTENT JOHN CUSACK TO BACK YOU UP. THAT'S HOW.

I RATE THIS MOVIE AT ONE STAR, OR TWO DENNIS QUAIDS.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (KATIE FEATHERSTON, MICHAH SLOAT, 2009)

2009-10-14T12:45:00.010-11:00

IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE ONLY CHICK THIS APPARITION COULD SNEAK UP TO WAS A PLUMP GRAD STUDENT WHO COULDN'T TURN ON A TELEVISION.

THE BIG GIRL'S BOYFRIEND, MICHAH, IS A DAY TRADER WHO CAN APPARENTLY IGNORE THE STOCK MARKET FOR A MONTH TO CHASE GHOULS AROUND HIS SAN DIEGO HOME. WHAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT MICHAH IS WHY HE DIDN'T LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND EVEN BEFORE HER GHOST PROBLEM, NOT TO MENTION AFTER. "HI, I'M MICHAH. THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND KATIE. SHE'S A STUDENT OF ENGLISH WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO INCOME. SHE'S OVERWEIGHT, OBNOXIOUS AND MOST RECENTLY, SHE'S MANAGED TO PISS OFF THE UNDERWORLD."

THIS MOVIE BUILDS VERY, VERY SLOWLY. THE ONLY TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM IT'S MONOTONY COMES IN THE FORM OF A MIDDLE-AGED MALE PSYCHIC WHO OBVIOUSLY SIGNED ON FOR A FREE SANDWICH. I'D LOVE TO SEE THE SHIT HOLE IN WHICH THEY FOUND THAT GRIFTER.

(PICTURE A MAN SITTING ON A COUCH IN A BABY-BLUE, STAINED BATHROBE.....AND THEN, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR....)

"HELLO. SO YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC WHO INVESTIGATED THE FAT-GRAD STUDENT HAUNTING?"

"YOU BETCHA. RIGHT NOW I'M SENSING YOU DIDN'T CLOSE THE FRONT DOOR AND I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER. SO, BEFORE I SIGN ANYTHING, I PREDICT YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO DILEMMAS?"

"OF COURSE. SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?"

"WELP. THE FIRST TIME I MET THE YOUNG GIRL MY ABILITY TOLD ME THIS GHOST WAS A CHUBBY-CHASER. SO I TOLD JIGGLES TO GET ON A TREADMILL AND THE HAUNTING WOULD GO AWAY."

"THAT'S IT?"

"NO....I LIKE DOUBLE-PLY."

LOOKS LIKE A BIG WIN TO ME. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF CREAKING NOISES, SHITTY HOME VIDEO, AND ANNOYING CONVERSATION, THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE END OF THIS MOVIE. HOWEVER, YOU'LL ONLY ENJOY THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED EVERYTHING IS REAL. TMJ WAS NOT.

SORORITY ROW (RUMER WILLIS & THE ATTRACTIVE BACK-UPS; 2009)

2009-09-24T14:35:00.006-11:00

THE BLOND GIRL FEATURED IN THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS PREPARED FOR A DATE WITH THE MOVIE JERK. THAT, IS HOW IT'S DONE. NOW, LET'S GET TO IT... IN 1699 SARAJEVO WAS SET ON FIRE BY PRINCE EUGENE OF SAVOY AFTER A RAID. IN 1878 SARAJEVO WAS CONQUERED BY THE AUSTRIA-HUNGARIAN EMPIRE AS PART OF THE TREATY OF BERLIN. THAT'S 106 YEARS BEFORE THE TERMINATOR WAS RELEASED IN THEATRES STARRING THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT MADE AUSTRIA RELEVANT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. IN 1914, FRANZ FERDINAND, WAS "TAKEN OUT" (PUN INTENDED) IN SARAJEVO. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ATTENDED THE DETROIT PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, THE ASSASSINATION OF FRANZ FERDINAND RECEIVED CREDIT FOR SPARKING WORLD WAR 1. IN 1992, SARAJEVO WAS SUBJECTED TO THE LONGEST SIEGE IN MILITARY HISTORY. SARAJEVO HAS SINCE HAD A LITTLE DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING TO POST-WAR REALITY. I'M PROVIDING THIS HISTORY LESSON FOR YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOVIE JERK KNOWS A BAD INVESTMENT. THAT BEING SAID, THE MOVIE JERK WOULD RATHER YOU INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS INTO PROPERTY IN SARAJEVO, THAN INVEST 10 DOLLARS IN THE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME THAT IS SORORITY ROW. THIS MOVIE STARS RUMER WILLIS, AND FOUR RECENTLY-EMPLOYED HOOKERS, AS SORORITY SISTERS STALKED BY A FELLOW SISTER WHOM WAS ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED IN A HORRIBLE PRANK. IF ONLY THIS WERE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. THE MOVIE IS SIMILAR TO I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER EXCEPT THAT IT STARS RUMER WILLIS AND NOT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. WHICH IS SOMEWHAT LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MOVIE STARRING SOMEONE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND A MOVIE STARRING RUMER WILLIS. THE RUMOUR'S TRUE, THAT CHICK'S UGLY. BELIEVE ME, YOU'D RATHER FUCK SHIT. I GIVE THIS MOVIE, A GALAXY OF STARS FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO INSULT THE PUBLIC SO SOON AFTER THE RECOGNITION OF GLOBAL WARMING. -TMJ

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (DYSLEXIC REAVES, RETARDED E.T.'S; 2009)

2009-04-11T03:51:00.008-11:00

AFTER THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, IT STARTED MOVING AGAIN. THE DOW JONES RALLIED SHORTLY AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT LIFE FROM OTHER PLANETS WAS ACTUALLY MUCH DUMBER THAN WE ARE. THIS HELPED TO RELIEVE OUR FEARS THAT THE CHINESE COULDN'T CONTROL US BY PURCHASING OUR NATIONAL DEBT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY DID IN THE EARLY 1930'S WHEN WE THOUGHT THEY WERE ALIENS. IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING. OVERLY AGGRESSIVE, INHUMANLY UNHYGIENIC, PEOPLE WITH NIGHT VISION THAT DON'T LOOK RUSSIAN? UH-OH. FUCK! GET UNDER YOUR DESK KIDS! CIGARETTES JUST SHOT TO TEN DOLLARS A PACK AT YOUR LOCAL DELI! WHICH, IS WHY THE MOVIE JERK VOTES FOR LESS GOVERNMENT AND/OR ALIEN CONTROL. IF I HAVE TO HIDE UNDER MY DESK TO AVOID A VERY LARGE BOMB I'M GOING TO FEEL A LITTLE FOOLISH IF

A. KEANU REEVES IS STILL ACTING ANYWHERE

B. I DIED UNDER A DESK

C. GARY BUSEY SURVIVES

TO ENJOY THIS AWEFUL REMAKE YOU SHOULD BE OBESE AND DESPERATE TO LEAVE THE EARTH.

-TMJ

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON (BRAD PITT, CATE BLANCHETT, WRINKLED PENIS, CGI; 2008)

2009-01-20T12:25:00.007-11:00

2008 WAS PRETTY SWEET. IT LEFT ME WITH THE SAME WARM FEELING I GOT WHEN A $75 HOOKER, WHOM I TIPPED WITH PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, GAVE ME CRABS. THAT WARM FEELING THEN TURNED INTO A BURNING ITCH AND A DEEP HATRED FOR ANYTHING WEARING HEELS AND SMELLING LIKE TACO BELL. LUCKILY, FOR BRAD PITT, 2008 WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER YEAR. HE WOKE UP, RODE HIS FRENCH SERVANT TO THE KITCHEN, ATE A GOLD BAR, ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED HIS CERTIFIABLE PARTNER WITH SOME FOREIGN SPERM (BLASIAN, MIDGET, CLOWN, HIPPO, OBAMA, WHATEVER WAS LEFT IN THE FRYING PAN), AND WENT TO WORK. WHILE ON HIS WAY TO WORK, PITT PICKED UP AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN RESEMBLING SOMETHING WE'VE ALL SLEPT WITH AFTER A TUESDAY NIGHT BAR HOP AND PROCEEDED TO MAKE A FILM WITH HIM. THE SHINING STAR THAT CAME OUT OF THAT CHANCE ENCOUNTER WAS, BENJAMIN BUTTON. THE TOUCHING TALE (AND IT IS SUCH A TALE) LOOSELY BASED ON THE SHORT STORY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD WROTE IN A BATH OF ABSINTHE AND ROSE PEDALS. THE STORY FOLLOWS A MAN WHO AGES BACKWARDS AND A GIRL WHO AGES REGULARLY. THEY FALL IN LOVE BUT KNOW IT CAN'T LAST BECAUSE THEY'RE PASSING EACH OTHER IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER TEAR-JERKING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE BUT THE MORAL IS SIMPLE: LIFE IS TOUGHER THAN HOLDING IN A FART DURING A SPINNING CLASS. WHEN YOU'RE BORN IN YOUR EIGHTIES YOU BECOME QUICKLY AWARE OF THIS AND THEREFORE APPRECIATE EVERY LITTLE MOMENT. THE MOVIE JERK GIVES THIS COMEBACK CRYSTAL 15 STARS. BEST THING BRAD PITT'S DONE SINCE HE GOT THAT BLACK KID.

BODY OF LIES (RUSSELL CROWE, LEONARDO DICAPRIO; 2008)

2008-10-24T02:28:00.005-11:00

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE HIS MOST MEDIOCRE MOVIE SINCE GROWING PAINS. BODY DEPICTS HOW EASILY TERRORISTS CAN DESTROY OUR MODERN WORLD WHEN DICAPRIO DOES NOT GROW THE APPROPRIATE FACIAL HAIR FOR A ROLE. IT WAS VERY PROMINENT YET SOMEHOW SPARSE, LIKE IN BRITISH PORN, AND LOOKED LIKE IT WAS PRONE TO CATCHING TAPAS. IN THE WORLD OF SPIES THIS IS A BIG NO NO. IT MAKES THE ENEMY UNEASY AND HIGHLY UNPREDICTABLE, AS WELL AS THE AUDIENCE. LEONARDO'S CO-STAR RUSSELL CROWE HAS APPARENTLY BEEN INTRAVENOUSLY CONSUMING LUNCHABLES FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS SINCE HE LAST PARTNERED WITH DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT IN GLADIATOR. THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO GAIN THAT SORT OF WEIGHT DURING THE DAY ALONE. THERE'S A COUPLE OTHER CAMEOS IN HERE, PRIMARY BOLLYWOOD TYPES PLAYING AL QUAEDA MEMBERS. THEY'RE HOPING TO MAKE IT BIG ONE DAY IN A REAL MOVIE, MAYBE SKIP THE LINE AT SOME NEW L.A. NIGHT CLUB ONCE THEY DO AND GET LAID BEFORE CHRIST COMES BACK....RUSSEL CROWE DOES NOT HAVE A PONY TAIL IN THIS MOVIE BUT IF YOU LOOK REALLY HARD, AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE, AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT, WITH JUST THE RIGHT EYES, YOU MIGHT SEE A RAT-TAIL.

BLADE RUNNER (HARRISON FORD, THE RUTGER HAUER, EDWARD JAMES OLMOS, SEAN YOUNG;1982)

2008-07-25T19:02:00.006-11:00

"WHERE'S MOVIE JERK!?" "WHERE IS HE YOU BASTARD REPLICANT?!!!!" ...I'M RIGHT HERE BABY. STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HOOKER'S PLACE. IT WAS 1982. THE YEAR OF THE MINOE. SEAN YOUNG WAS A SEX SYMBOL. DARRYL HANNAH PATIENTLY TARGETED THE KENNEDYS. EDWARD JAMES OLMOS'S ACNE CLEARED UP ONLY TO DISPLAY SCARS LARGER THAN SMALL CARTELS. AND RONALD REGAN WAS BEGINNING TO FORGET A NATION AFTER BEING RE-INFORMED OF THE INVENTION OF THE COLOR PURPLE: A MIXTURE OF RED AND BLUE, OR POOR TASTE AND NEW MONEY. THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STALLONE DYNASTY ARRIVED THE PRINCESS OF THE KINGDOM: RIDLEY SCOTT. THREE YEARS AFTER ALIEN, STARRING A YOUNG, DRUNK, AGGRESSIVE NICK NOLTE WITH TWO MOUTHS, CAME BLADE RUNNER. NOT JUST A MOVIE BUT ANOTHER SOPHISTICATED CHILD'S SKETCH OF A FUTURE HOLLYWOOD THINKS IT CAN PREDICT. OH SHIT! WAS THAT GLOBAL WARMING?! HIDE THE THE DRUGS. ACCUMULATING LESS REVENUE THAN ONE NIGHT FOR STUDIO 54, THIS MOVIE STILL MANAGED TO RECEIVE CRITICAL PRAISE DUE TO THE MASSIVE SHIPMENTS ARRIVING NIGHTLY FROM MIAMI. "OH MY GOD DUDE. IT'S LIKE, FUCKING CARS CAN FLY AND DARRYL HANNAH'S A HOMELESS VAGRANT ANDROID. THE 80'S ARE FUCKIN' CHANGING THE WORLD BUDDY! PASS ME THAT BAG I WANNA HIT ONE BEFORE WE GET TO DORRIAN'S. THAT FUCKIN' STALL'S ALWAYS PACKED TO THE GILLS."

THE DARK KNIGHT (HEATH LEDGER, THE JOKER, NICHOLSON LOSES, HEATH LEDGER, HEATH LEDGER ROCKS; 2008)

2008-07-19T21:15:00.011-11:00

HOLY SAC BATMAN! SOMEONE FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT. THE REAL JOKER, THE HOMICIDAL, WWII-UNCLE-SAM; THE DAPRAVED CLOWN CREATED IN 1940 HAS FINALLY BEEN BROUGHT TO LIFE.

"In his initial dozen or so appearances, starting with Batman #1 (1940), the Joker was a straightforward mass murderer, with a bizarre appearance modeled after the symbol of the Joker known from playing cards. He was slated to be killed in his second appearance,[5] but editor Whitney Ellsworth suggested that the character be spared. A hastily drawn panel, demonstrating that the Joker was still alive, was subsequently added to the comic.[6] For the next several appearances, the Joker often escaped capture but suffered an apparent death (falling off a cliff, being caught in a burning building, etc.), from which his body was not recovered. In these first dozen adventures, the Joker killed close to three dozen people." (I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO FOOTNOTE...QUOTE TAKEN FROM WIKIPEDIA AND ANY COOL GEEK OFF THE STREET EXCEPT WARREN G).

FEEDING OFF THE TEARS HE KNEW HE'D DRAW FROM FAT NICHOLSON AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL (THE ONLY QUEER IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN), HEATH LEDGER CREATED ONE OF THE BEST MOVIE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. PURE COLOMBIAN CAN'T ENTERTAIN MY BRAIN AS MUCH AS LEDGER'S "JOKER" DID IN THE DARK KNIGHT. HE MANAGED TO CREATE A CHARACTER WHO DELIVERED HUMOUR AND UNCONTROLLABLE, CALCULATED INSANITY BETTER THAN ANYONE I'VE SEEN ON SCREEN IN SO LONG, THAT THEY DESERVE TO BE FORGOTTEN. IF THIS MOVIE HAD BEEN GIVEN AN "R" RATING LEDGER WOULD'VE BANGED CLARICE STARLING AND MADE HANNIBAL LECTER SHIT FAVA BEANS ON HIS OWN FACE. I DON'T WANT TO PROVIDE ANY DETAILS ABOUT THIS MOVIE (THOUGH I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE), BECAUSE I'LL GET SO CARRIED AWAY I'LL KNOCK OUT A LOAD ON THIS KEYBOARD. THAT WOULDN'T NECESSARILY BE A PROBLEM IF THIS COMPUTER WERE MINE, NOT TO MENTION THE HOUSE I STUMBLED INTO TO WRITE THIS. IF I HAD ANY BACKGROUND IN FILM I'D TRY TO ARTICULATED HOW AMAZING THE DIRECTING, WRITING, SCORE AND OTHER ACTORS WERE AS WELL. HOWEVER, I DON'T SO I WON'T. A PERFORMANCE LIKE LEDGER'S SHOULD MAKE HOLLYWOOD THINK TWICE BEFORE IT CALLOUSLY UTTERS THE WORD "TALENTED" AGAIN. I GUESS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IN L.A. WAS COLLECTING BABIES LIKE PICASSOS AND TELLING US FOR WHOM TO VOTE, THERE WERE A FEW ACTUALLY DOING THEIR JOB. -TMJ

LEGENDS OF THE FALL (BRAD PITT, HANIBAL LECTOR, E.T. 'MO, TASTY PIECE; 1994)

2008-07-16T14:09:00.006-11:00

THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK REVISING HIS CREATIVE GENIUS IN MY CABIN JUST SOUTH OF EAST ST. LOUIS. UNTIL THE MOVIE JERK REARED HIS FANTASTICAL HEAD, HE'D ONLY RETURNED TO THIS WOOD MANSION ONCE BEFORE. THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS BORN TO MIDGET BARONS, GOLD BARS, AND A VIRTUOUS STRIPPER NAMED JIZZABELLA CUMFACE (IN HER NATIVE ITALY IT'S PRONOUNCED COME-FA-CHAY.....WHO KNEW?). APPARENTLY, I WAS CONCEIVED ON THE HARD STEEL OF A WINDOWLESS VAN BY A DWARF HOOKER WITH THE INTEGRITY OF A MOOSE IN MATING SEASON. GOD DAMN THE SPRING AND ITS LOVESTRUCK PREDATORS. THAT WOULD PROBABLY EXPLAIN MY AVERSION TO FLOWERS, TREES, THE SUN, AND ANYTHING I CAN'T FUCK SIDEWAYS. GOD BLESS MICROWAVES WHILE I'M BLESSING SHIT. MICROWAVES ARE THE CHEAPEST INCUBATOR OUT THERE FOR PREMATURE BIRTH. ALWAYS REMEMBER, DESPITE WHAT YOU HEAR IN THE GHETTO, "DEFROST" CAN CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE. WHERE ARE MY PILLS!!!!? OKILO DOKEY. MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES. LEGENDS OF THE FALL IS THE STORY OF A FAMILY TORN APART BY LOVE, LUST AND WORLD WAR 1, WHICH MADE IRAQ LOOK LIKE A TEA PARTY. IF YOU WATCH LEGENDS OF THE FALL, BRAVEHEART, AND LAST OF THE MOHICANS BACK TO BACK, YOU WILL CRY. OR DRINK. EITHER WAY YOU'LL DEFINITELY LOSE. SO WHAT'S NOT TO WIN? -TMJ (HELP IS ON THE WAY).

THE WACKNESS (JOSH PECK, BEN KINGSLEY; 2008)

2008-07-13T06:23:00.006-11:00

FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HIT THIS SCREEN. THE WACKNESS FOCUSES ON A TEENAGE DRUG DEALER IN 1994 NEW YORK. VIRTUALLY CRIPPLED BY HIS INABILITY TO GET LAID, THE MAIN CHARACTER, SHAPIRO, ATTEMPTS TO FIND RELIEF IN THE "WISDOM" OF HIS SHRINK (BEN KINGSLEY). WHOM, I MIGHT ADD, HE PAYS WITH WEED. HOWEVER, WHEN HIS SHRINK'S DAUGHTER EXPRESSES INTEREST IN SHAPIRO, SHAPIRO'S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MERRY DOCTOR TAKES A COMPLICATED TURN FOR THE WORSE. THE MOVIE JERK ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS MOVIE, THOUGH HE DID HAVE TROUBLE RELATING TO THE CHARACTERS. THIS IS MAINLY BECAUSE YOUR'S TRULY HAS BEEN HAVING SEX WITH EVERYTHING FROM SEASHELLS, TO STORM DRAINS, TO ELECTRICAL SOCKETS, TO ANYTHING ELSE HE CAN GET HIS PAWS ON SINCE THE RIPE AGE OF 9 AND 1 HALF. THE MOVIE JERK'S ALSO ANTI-DRUGS. UNLESS THEIR HIS DRUGS. IN WHICH CASE I'M VERY PRO DRUGS. UNTIL THEY'RE ALL GONE. WHEN AGAIN I BECOME ANTI-DRUGS. UNTIL I'M PAID. WHICH MAKES ME PRO DRUGS BUT STILL AGAINST OTHERS WHO ARE PRO DRUGS. WHICH MAKES ME AN ANTI-PRO-DRUG USE USER. AND A LIAR. JUST GIMMEE THE F#CKIN' DRUGS. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. GOD DAMN IT! IF ONLY THIS DOOR HAD 15 MORE BOLTS AND 3 MORE PEEPHOLES I'D BE SAFE. I COULD REALLY SEE 'EM COMING! YOU HEAR ME!? I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! GET BACK! I HAVE A CAT! AND I HAVEN'T FED HIM IN A WEEK! YOU WANT SOME OF THAT ACTION?! DO YOU, YOU BASTARDS! I'VE GOT THREE PEEPHOLES. ONE FOR EVERY SIDE OF THE DOOR!.....THE WACKNESS IS HYSTERICAL AND DELIGHTFUL. SEE IT TODAY. -TMJ

NUMB (MATHEW PERRY, KEVIN POLLACK, LYNN COLLINS; 2007)

2008-07-10T10:19:00.004-11:00

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF POSTING A PICTURE OF MATHEW PERRY JUST TO PROVE HE'S STILL ALIVE. IN THIS PARTICULAR PHOTO PERRY IS CARRYING A BOX OF THE SCRIPTS/ROLES HE TURNED DOWN BEFORE FRIENDS WAS CANCELLED. ABSENT FROM THIS BOX, SOON TO BE HOME, IS THREE TO TANGO, SERVING SARA, HOOSIERS 2: SENIOR YEAR, AND THE RON CLARK STORY. ALL CINEMATIC MILESTONES THEMSELVES, IT'S NO SURPRISE THE JUICY SCRIPT FOR NUMB LANDED IN PERRY'S LAP. NUMB IS THE TYPE OF MOVIE YOU RENT DRUNK, WATCH HUNGOVER, AND FEEL ASHAMED OF AFTERWARD. IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A BAR, BEER-GOGGLED TO HELL AND BACK, AND ALL THE FAT GIRLS WERE THE MOVIE NUMB. "HEY BABY, YOU'RE HUUUGE. WHAT'D YOU DO? EAT MATHEW PERRY? HAHAHA. I'M JUST KIDDING, THAT'S A JOKE. WHY DON'T YOU POLISH OFF THAT SHOT OF POTATO CHIP AND GET IN THE CAR......WHOA,WHOA. UH, UH. THE TRUNK BABY, GET IN THE TRUNK. THAT'S RIGHT. WELCOME TO THE SELF-ESTEEM MACHINE." ANYWAY, NUMB IS THE STORY OF A SCREENWRITER WITH "ACUTE DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER." APPARENTLY THIS DISORDER TURNS A PERSON INTO A SLIGHTLY DEPRESSED CHANDLER BING. HOWEVER, AFTER UNEXPECTEDLY FALLING IN LOVE, THE SCREENWRITER DECIDES TO TRY EVERY THERAPY IMAGINABLE IN ORDER TO WIN OVER THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION. LAUGHTER ENSUES FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE TO LAUGH. STEER CLEAR. -TMJ

HANCOCK (WILL SMITH, JASON BATEMAN;2008)

2008-07-09T03:57:00.006-11:00

WELL IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS. TIME FOR WILL SMITH TO COLLECT ANOTHER 50 MILLION DOLLARS. THIS MOVIE WOULD'VE CARRIED MUCH MORE WEIGHT HAD IT CAST MY FIRST PICK FOR HANCOCK, RUTGER HAUER, OR AS HE WAS KNOWN IN THE 80'S: "GERMAN STEELE ." NOT ONLY WAS RUTGER HAUER THE MOST PROLIFIC ACTOR OF THE 20TH CENTURY HE'S ALSO FLUENT IN LATIN, WHICH IS IRRELEVANT....BUT SHOULD IT BE? UNFORTUNATELY WHEN I PITCHED RUTGER HAUER TO SONY PICTURES I ACCIDENTALLY PRESENTED CLIPS FROM SPLIT SECOND (1992) AS OPPOSED TO HIS ALMOST OSCAR NOMINATED PERFORMANCE IN BLIND FURY. IN CASE YOU FOOLISHLY FORGOT, BLIND FURY WAS THE 1989 CLASSIC IN WHICH HAUER PLAYED A BLIND SAMURAI EXPRESSING EXTRAORDINARY EMOTIONAL INSIGHT. I BELIEVE THE TAG LINE FOR BLIND FURY WAS: IF JUSTICE IS BLIND YOU BETTER PRAY HE'S NOT YOUR JUDGE. I JUST SHED A TEAR. ANYWAY, THE NET WORTH OF A SMALL COUNTRY LATER, WE GOT WILL SMITH. IT'S CHEAPER TO ACQUIRE SNUFF PORN THAN THIS GUY. IN HANCOCK, SMITH PLAYS AN AIRBORNE ALCOHOLIC SUPERHERO WHO'S DOESN'T HIDE HIS IDENTITY. IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE DANGEROUS THAN DRIVING DRUNK IT'S FLYING DRUNK (SEE J.F.K. JR.). AFTER COSTING L.A. MILLIONS IN DAMAGES, A GRATEFUL TOP P.R. EXEC, WHOSE LIFE HANCOCK SAVED, DECIDES TO HELP HIM CHANGE HIS IMAGE. HOWEVER, JUST WHEN THE PUBLIC BEGINS TO LOVE HANCOCK A PLOT TWIST FUCKS EVERYTHING UP AGAIN. I MIGHT ADD THE PLOT TWIST IS ABSURD. IF YOU HAVE AN I.Q. BELOW 95 YOU'LL PROBABLY SEE THIS TWICE. IF YOU'RE A FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETY ONE VIEWING SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

WANTED (JAMES MCAVOY, ANGELINA JOLIE-VOIGHT-PITT, MORGAN "I'M ACTUALLY A WHITE MAN IT'S JUST THE LIGHTING" FREEMAN; 2008)

2008-07-03T07:09:00.008-11:00

TO YOUR LEFT IS AN IMAGE OF ANGELINA-JOLIE SITTING BY THE MOVIE JERK'S BEDSIDE. (I LIVE IN BLACK AND WHITE. KEEPS ME HONEST). SHE'S THINKING, "WHY DID I SLEEP WITH THIS CLOWN? HE SMELLS LIKE A GARGOYLE AND I'M PRETTY SURE HE ONLY PRETENDED TO PUT ON THAT CONDOM." SENSING HER STRESS I AWAKE, STARE DEEP INTO HER EYES AND SAY, "WELL LAST NIGHT DEFINITELY MADE UP FOR THE SHIT MOVIE YOU CRANKED OUT WITH THAT SCOTTISH GEEK. HOWEVER, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I CAN - FUCK ME! WHERE'D THAT ASIAN KID COME FROM!? NEVER MIND. LIKE I WAS SAYING, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE YOU A GOOD REVIEW. MAYBE IF YOU PUT THE GUN DOWN AND GRAB THE JERK SOME ALKA SELTZER FROM THE BATHROOM I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. I SAID GOD DAMN. ALL THAT HUMPIN' GAVE ME SOME GAS." EVEN AFTER RAIDING THAT TOMB THOUGH THE MOVIE JERK MUST MAINTAIN HIS INTEGRITY AND PROVIDE AND HONEST REVIEW/OPINION/TRUE NONSENSE. WANTED IS THE STORY OF A LEAGUE OF RIDICULOUS ASSASSINS. APPARENTLY THEIR HEARTS CAN BEAT 400 TIMES A MINUTE WHEN THEY'RE THREATENED. THIS RAPID HEARTBEAT CAUSES THEY'RE ADRENAL GLANDS TO LEAK WORSE THAN A FRESHMAN WITH THE CLAP. THIS "TALENT" ENABLES THESE ASSASSINS TO JUMP OF BUILDINGS, "CURVE BULLETS," SHOOT THE WINGS OFF FLIES AND DESTROY CITY STREETS AND CAREERS. IF THIS MOVIE TOOK PLACE IN THE MATRIX IT MIGHT'VE BEEN DECENT. HOWEVER, BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT TAKES PLACE IN THE REAL WORLD, IT SUCKS. - HAPPY 4TH. BE SURE TO SWERVE FOR TREES AND PEDESTRIANS. -TMJ

BLUE VELVET (DENNIS HOPPER, DAVID LYNCH'S PEOPLE OF THE NIGHT;1986)

2008-07-01T12:33:00.002-11:00

SOME WOULD SAY THIS MOVIE EXHIBITS CLASSIC ELEMENTS OF FILM NOIR AND SURREALISM. IN 1986 THE MOVIE JERK WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "LYNCH'S LATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT IS LIKE A GIANT SPOONFUL OF FECAL PEANUT BUTTER WASHED DOWN WITH A WARM GLASS OF THICK PISS." THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE WAS THAT ANYBODY CAN SAY AND DO WEIRD SHIT. ONLY DAVID LYNCH GETS PRAISED FOR IT. WELL, HE AND STEVE-O. APPARENTLY THIS EXPLORATION OF A SMALL TOWN'S PERVERSE CRIMINAL UNDERBELLY REJUVENATED DENNIS HOPPER'S LAGGING CAREER. HOWEVER, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HOPPER'S EARLY 80'S REHAB STINT THAT PROVIDED HIM WITH THE NECESSARY MENTAL CLARITY TO READ A SCRIPT, NOT TO MENTION PROPERLY REGURGITATE IT ON CAMERA. LORD KNOWS HOPPER COULDN'T FORM A FUCKING SENTENCE FOR ABOUT 14 YEARS AFTER THE PREMIERE OF EASY RIDER. GOD BLESS YOU HOLLYWOOD AND YOUR 17 CHANCES. ON A 100% COMPLETELY SERIOUS NOTE THOUGH, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF A LOVED ONE, INVITE THEM OVER FOR A HOME-COOKED ASPARAGUS DINNER AND A MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF BLUE VELVET. BE SURE TO ANSWER THE DOOR WEARING NOTHING BUT A BANANA PEEL AND YOUR COOLEST, MOST DISTURBING GRIN. CIAO FOR NOW - TMJ

2008-06-24T13:43:00.001-11:00

THE MOVIE JERK WILL BE POSTING TONIGHT ON SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER WATCH ANYWAY. WRITE LIKE YOU TALK. THINK LIKE YOU SPEAK. -TMJ

GET SMART (STEVE CARELL, A ROCK, ANNE HATHAWAY;2008)

2008-06-21T10:51:00.005-11:00

STEVE CARELL IS SUCH A NICE GUY ISN'T HE? I WAS HOPING ANNE HATHAWAY, THAT COW-EYED HUMOR MINE, WOULD'VE CHOSEN MY SCRIPT OVER GET SMART. IT DIDN'T REQUIRE MUCH CHARACTER DEPTH AND WAS APTLY TITLED, THE DEVIL WEARS ANNE HATHAWAY. HOWEVER I SETTLED FOR THIS LOVELY LITTLE REMAKE. A ROCK'S IN THIS. YES HE IS. AREN'T YOU? YOU HORRIBLE ACTOR. STEVE CARELL PLAYS A BUMBLING SECRET AGENT BETTER THAN ANYONE. EVEN WITH THIS LACKLUSTER SCRIPT THE MOVIE JERK STILL RECOMMENDS SEEING THIS TONIGHT IF YOU LIKE STEVE CARELL, OR ANNE HATHAWAY, OR A ROCK I SUPPOSE. GOOD LUCK.

THE HAPPENING (MARK WAHLBERG, ZOOEY DESCHANEL, ASHLYN SANCHEZ, TREES, THE WIND;2008)

2008-06-17T11:01:00.006-11:00

THAT MY DEAR FANS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK AVOIDING HIGH GAS PRICES BY RUNNING TO SOUTHAMPTON TO AVOID THE HORRORS OF A WEEKEND STUCK IN MANHATTAN. WELL, THAT AND/OR AVOIDING ANOTHER DUI. GOD. I CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE HARLEM IT’S SO HOT. QUICK EVERYONE! TO THE JITNEY BEFORE THEY HEAR US! AHHH YES. M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: INDIAN. GIVER. MOVER. SHAKER. BAD FILM MAKER. JUST AS I SUSPECTED, M, AS HE’S REFERRED TO BY THE SUPERCOOL, HAS MADE ANOTHER EXCELLENT PREVIEW FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER TERRIBLE MOVIE. M, YOU ARE THE COAL IN MY STOCKING. THE RASH ON MY ASS. THE PIMP WHO CLAIMS I DIDN’T PAY HIM. THE FAT GIRL I WAS TOO NICE TO AND THE SKINNY ONE I CAN’T AFFORD. STOP FUCKING ME WITH YOUR TRAILERS AND PAY BRUCE WILLIS TO BRING YOU A HIT. THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY AN INDEPENDENT HORROR FILM ABOUT THE DANGERS OF GLOBAL WARMING. LITERALLY. I CAN’T SAY ANYMORE IN CASE YOU ACCIDENTALLY FALL INTO A THEATER AND WATCH THIS ATROCITY.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK TOO (NOT ERIC BANA, NOT JENNIFER CONNELLY, SAME GREEN MACHINE;2008)

2008-06-14T04:45:00.005-11:00

THE IMAGE TO YOUR LEFT IS ACTUALLY OF THE MOVIE JERK WATCHING THE INCREDIBLE HULK. THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE SEEN SINCE IN THE BEDROOM. THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS COOL AS MAKING THE EXACT SAME MOVIE TWICE. THE FIRST WAS BANG LEE'S 2003 DISASTER, HULK. IN THIS ONE, DR. BRUCE BANNER IS HIDING IN THE FAVELAS OF BRAZIL ATTENDING GAMMA ANONYMOUS MEETINGS AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR BEING THE COOLEST GUY AT THE BAR:

BANNER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF BLUE MOON?

BARTENDER: YOU SEE THAT KEG OVER THERE CHIEF? IT'S TAPPED. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

BANNER: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!

BARTENDER: I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY. HOW 'BOUT A BUD LIGHT?

BANNER: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

BARTENDER: YO MAN. YOU LOOK PRETTY GREEN. IF YOU'RE GONNA PUKE DO IT OUT SIDE.

BANNER: HULK SMASH!

BARTENDER: NOT BEFORE "HULK" PAYS TAB ASSHOLE.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID, BANNER IS ON THE RUN, HIDING IN BRAZIL. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH BRAZIL, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF SKINNY, WHITE, AMERICAN MALES OVER THERE IS APPROXIMATELY 90 MINUTES. SO UNLESS BANNER WERE THE HULK FULL TIME, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD NEVER FIND HIM IN BRAZIL BECAUSE HE WOULD'VE BEEN CHOPPED UP AND STIRRED INTO A BATCH OF COCAINE. ONLY TO BE SHIPPED BACK TO AMERICA ON "GO FAST" BOATS AND SNORTED BY TOMMY LEE. SUBJECTING US TO ANOTHER 50 YEARS OF HORRIBLE DRUMMING.

THE REST OF THIS MOVIE IS THE EXACT SAME AS 2003'S HULK EXCEPT WITHOUT THE SPECIAL TREAT OF NICK NOLTE. THIS MOVIE IS MUY MUY BAD.

FUNNY GAMES (NAOMI WATTS, TIM ROTH, MICHAEL PITT; 2008 A.D.)

2008-06-13T06:53:00.005-11:00

THIS FOOD BABY WAS ABOUT A FUN AS PASSING A KIDNEY STONE. IN THIS TERRIBLE PIECE, TWO CLOWNS IN TENNIS WHITES INVADE WEALTHY SUMMER HOMES AND KILL ENTIRE FAMILIES VIA THEIR SICK GAMES. NATURALLY LAW ENFORCEMENT IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND THROUGHOUT THE FILM. APPARENTLY NO ONE NOTICES WHEN THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF FISHER'S ISLAND FALLS OFF THE MAP. ASSININE. OUR CULPRITS ARE TWO WELL SPOKEN, WEIRD GEEKS IN TENNIS WHITES WHO COME TO PEOPLE'S FRONT DOORS AND POLITELY ASK FOR EGGS. WHAT FUCKING PRODUCER IS GREENLIGHTING THIS SHIT? WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS UP TO THE MOVIE JERK'S DOOR UNANNOUNCED ASKING FOR EGGS I ASSUME HE, OR SHE, IS ONE OF A FEW THINGS:

A. HE'S SOME FUCKING 'MO I ACCIDENTLY CONVERSED WITH THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WHEN HE APPEARED TO BE A WOMAN.

B. MY DEALER CALLED IN SICK AND SENT HIS COUSIN JULIO.

C. IT'S AN EX-GIRLFRIEND I DATED FOR 3 WEEKS IN BLACK OUT. SHE EITHER WANTS HER GOLDFISH BACK OR IS TRYING TO SLAP A FUCK ON BEFORE WORK.

D. MY CHILD.

KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS AND DON'T RENT THIS HUNK OF CRAP.

CASSANDRA'S DREAM (COLIN FARRELL, EWAN "SHOULD BE 'IAN'" MCGREGOR, SLUTES, PILLS, MURDER, AND A BOAT NAMED CASSANDRA'S DREAM;2008)

2008-06-04T13:03:00.006-11:00

ISN'T ACTING SOOO GREAT? MWHHAHAAHAHA. IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY CASSANDRA WAS THE LOVE INTEREST OF APOLLO. WHOM I RESEMBLE. IN ORDER TO GET CASSANDRA TO GAG ON HIS SUNBEAM APOLLO GIVES CASSANDRA THE GIFT OF PROPHECY. THE MODERN EQUIVALENT OF WHICH IS STRONG HALLUCINOGENS. "DAS RIGHT BABY, WE GOING TO THA STARS." ANYWAY, WHEN CASSANDRA STILL DOESN'T EXPRESS INTEREST IN THE SUN GOD, HE PUTS A CURSE ON HER. THE CURSE IS THAT NOBODY WILL EVER BELIEVE CASSANDRAS'S PROPHECIES THOUGH THEY BE TRUE. SO FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE SHE WALKS AROUND GREECE BABBLING ABOUT TROJAN HORSES AND WARS COMING AND GLORY HOLES DOWNTOWN AND THE LIKE. BASICALLY SHE BECOMES SHARON STONE. THE POINT OF THIS HISTORY LESSON IS THAT CASSANDRA'S DREAM IS NOT A GOOD NAME FOR A BOAT. YET LEAVE IT TO 2 DRUNK IRISH ACTORS TO NAME THEIR SAILBOAT AFTER A CURSED GREEK PRUDE. SURE ENOUGH, AFTER OUR TWO STARS, WHO ARE BROTHERS, NAME THEIR NEW BOAT THEIR LIVES FALL TO SHIT. IN THIS MOVIE FARRELL PLAYS A DEGENERATE GAMBLER / PILL POPPING DRUNK. BASICALLY HIMSELF BUT POOR. MCGREGOR IS JUST HAPPY TO BE WORKING. WHEN THEIR FINANCIAL STRAITS BECOME A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND FARELL FALLS INTO DEBT WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE, THE 2 BROTHERS TURN TO THEIR RICH UNCLE FOR QUICK CASH. HOWEVER, HE ASKS FOR A FAVOR IN RETURN. A FAVOR WHICH SHATTERS EACH BROTHER'S MORAL COMPASS AND REDEFINES THEIR BONDS TO FAMILY, MONEY, AND WOMEN. TMJ GIVES WOODY ALLEN'S LATEST 15 STARS AND A CUPCAKE WITH A TRICK CANDLE.

NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS (NICOLAS CAGE, ED HARRIS, JON VOIGHT, DIANE KRUGER, GROSSLY DISTORTED HISTORY;2007)

2008-06-02T10:39:00.006-11:00

REPORTER: "MR. CAGE THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. I'D LIKE TO BEGIN BY ASKING YOU ABOUT THE RUMOURS THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY JESUS CHRIST."

CAGE: "WELL BARBARA. THOUGH I'M NOT ACTUALLY J.C. I CAN SEE HOW PEOPLE MIGHT CONFUSE US. FIRST OF ALL, LIKE JESUS, I'M VERY MODEST. I OWN 13 HOMES AROUND THE WORLD BUT THEY'RE ALL SOLAR POWERED. EVEN THE CASTLE IN SCOTLAND. GRANTED I HAD TO BY ULTRA-VIOLET LAMPS TO HEAT THE SOLAR PANELS BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS RAINING OVER THERE. HOWEVER, THE POINT IS, I DEPRIVE MYSELF OF REAL ELECTRICITY TO HELP FEED THE MASSES. A LOT OF ACTORS WOULDN'T DO THAT. SECONDLY, I CARE ABOUT THE HOMELESS. JUST THE OTHER DAY I GAVE THIS UNFORTUNATE LITTLE THING THE KEYS TO MY BENTLEY. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT MATERIAL POSSESSIONS BARB. THE LOOK IN HIS EYES WAS SO MUCH MORE REWARDING THEN A 250,000 DOLLAR PIECE OF MACHINERY...AND I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE SAID TO ME BEFORE HE SPED THROUGH 4 RED LIGHTS. HE LOOKED AT ME OVER THE PASSENGER DOOR AND YELLED, 'YO, AIN'T YOU THE MOTHAFUCKA FROM FACEBOOK?' TO WHICH I REPLIED, 'NO MY FRIEND. THAT WAS FACE-OFF.' FACE-OFF WAS A BLOCKBUSTER I HEADLINED IN 1997. I'M SURE YOU REMEMBER. THIRDLY, I OFTEN WORK WITH APOSTLES, SUCH AS JOHN TRAVOLTA AND LOUIS GOSSETT JR. WHO I MIGHT ADD ALSO DOUBLES AS MY 'BLACK FRIEND.' KIND OF LIKE A 2 FOR 1 DEAL AT DENNY'S BUT FAR MORE MEANINGFUL. SO AS YOU CAN SEE, I DO HAVE MUCH IN COMMON WITH THE SON OF GOD BUT HOPEFULLY PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE I'D BE SO ARROGANT AS TO CLAIM TO BE HIM. HAHAHA. GOOD QUESTION THOUGH BARB."

REPORTER: "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE SEQUEL TO NATIONAL TREASURE?"

CAGE: "WELL...HMMM. I CLASHED A LOT WITH THE DIRECTOR WHICH IS WHY I SHAVED MY SIDEBURNS TO ONCE AGAIN PLAY DR. GATES."

REPORTER: "THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE..."

CAGE: NEITHER DOES NATIONAL TREASURE 2.

REPORTER: 2 SHAY.

-TMJ

THE STRANGERS (LIV TYLER, SCOTT SPEEDMAN;2008)

2008-06-01T05:29:00.005-11:00

"GOD DAMN IT LIV, I TOLD YOU I DON'T DO WELL AT THESE FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTIES....WELL, IF HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE ME THE TOYOTA ACCOUNT WILLINGLY, LET'S SEE HOW ARTICULATE HE IS WHEN I STICK THIS FUCKING SHOT GUN DOWN HIS THROAT...YOU READY FOR THAT SWIMMING POOL YOU ALWAYS WANTED BABY?...EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING GROUND AND NO ONE'LL GET HURT!" FINALLY A DECENT HORROR MOVIE. THE WRITER/DIRECTOR DOES A GREAT JOB OF BUILDING THE MAIN CHARACTERS SO THE VIEWER ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE VICTIMS. THERE ARE NO GHOSTS OR FICTIONAL CREATURES. JUST 3 HOMICIDAL MANIACS WHO REALLY DON'T LIKE STRANGERS. THE ENTIRE MOVIE CENTERS AROUND BUILDING SUSPENSE AND DOES A VERY GOOD JOB. THERE ARE A FEW PREDICTABLE SHOCKERS BUT NOT ENOUGH TO RUIN THE MOVIE BY ANY MEANS. IF YOU WANT A GOOD SCARE THE STRANGERS IS FAR MORE FRIGHTENING THAN SEX IN THE CITY.

2008-05-30T08:43:00.001-11:00

STAYED TUNED FOR THE MOVIE JERK'S REVIEW OF THE STRANGERS. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "THE STRANGER." WHICH ALSO ROCKS!

THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN PART II (RICKY SHRODER, BENJAMIN BRATT, WILL, TOKEN BLACK FEMALE DOCTOR, TOKEN GAY SOLDIER, TOKEN ASIAN SCIENTIST;2008)

2008-05-30T08:19:00.006-11:00

DUM DUM DUM. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN RETURNED FOR PART II ON TUESDAY EVENING TO SHOVE MORE LIBERAL SHIT DOWN OUR THROATS. WAS THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN A MESSAGE FROM OUR FUTURE SELVES? ONCE DECODED, WAS IT A REQUEST FOR NATURAL RESOURCES WE'D BURNT OUT IN THE FUTURE AND COULD ONLY REACQUIRE FROM THE PAST? DID AL GORE TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE TO WITNESS THE EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING!? THEN PROCEED TO GET STUCK THERE? IS HE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH US? IS IT A KILLER ALIEN VIRUS? OR IS IT THE BUTT-UGLY CHICK IN THIS PHOTO WITH THE KID FROM SILVER SPOONS? WHO BY THE WAY HAD THE BEST LINE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE:

TOKEN DOCTOR: "YOU GOT A GIRL BACK HOME?"

RICK SHRODER MAN-DECODER: "I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T ASK..."

DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO MAKE THIS GUY A GAY? THAT WAS ABOUT THE TIME THE MOVIE JERK THREW A BEER AT THE SCREEN AND STARTED BOOING HIS ZENITH TELEVISION SET. I GUESS OLD RICKY DOESN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE IN HIS ROLES THOUGH. IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN EASY GOING FROM SILVER SPOONS TO SILVER POONS. THE SECOND HALF WASN'T NEARLY AS COOL AS THE FIRST. HOWEVER, IF YOU CAN IGNORE THE UNDERLYING AGENDA OF THE SCREEN WRITERS THIS MOVIE'S STILL WORTH RENTING WHEN IT ARRIVES ON DVD.

THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN PART 1 (RICKY SHRODER, BENJAMIN BRATT, ERIC MCCORMACK;2008)

2008-05-27T08:09:00.006-11:00

TO YOUR LEFT IS A PICTURE OF RICKY SHRODER. ONE OF THE TOP SCIENTISTS HIRED TO FIND A CURE FOR AN ALIEN VIRUS KNOWN AS ANDROMEDA. IF THIS MOVIE WERE AT ALL REALISTIC EVERYONE WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD. YOU DON'T CURE DEADLY VIRUSES WITH NAKED CANNONBALLS OR SILVER SPOONS. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN IS A VIRUS PICKED UP IN SPACE BY AN AMERICAN SATELLITE. ANDROMEDA INDUCES BLOOD CLOTTING, AS WELL AS HOMICIDAL AND SUICIDAL BEHAVIOR. WHICH MAKES ME SUSPECT "ANDROMEDA" IS ACTUALLY A LARGE SHIPMENT OF PCP. FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH PCP, IT'S THE DRUG TO WHICH MOST MARVEL SUPERHEROES ARE ADDICTED. IT MAKES YOU FEEL NO PAIN, PROVIDES A FALSE SENSE OF INVINCIBILITY, AND CAUSES YOU TO BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY. IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY. THE FIRST HALF OF THIS REMAKE PREMIERED LAST NIGHT ON A&E NETWORK AND I MUST SAY I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE TO A REAL MOVIE. AND FREE. WILL FROM WILL & GRACE PLAYS A HETEROSEXUAL JOURNALIST IN THIS. HOWEVER, EVERY TIME A TENSE ACTION SCENE BREAKS OUT HE RUNS FOR A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY, SITS DOWN, PATS HIS BROW WITH A POLKA-DOT HANDKERCHIEF, AND STARTS TELLING ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN ABOUT WHAT A "CRAZTHY WAZY" DAY HE'S HAVING. THE ENTIRE MOVIE PLAYS TONIGHT ON A&E. CHECK THE TIMES AND BE SURE TO TUNE IN.

The Flock (Richard Gere, Claire Danes;2007)

2008-05-26T11:15:00.005-11:00

NEEDLESS TO SAY, AUDIENCES DID NOT "FLOCK" TO THIS DISTANT COUSIN OF 8MM (NICK CAGE). RICHARD GERE IS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO BECOME UNFAMOUS. HIS PLAN OF MAKING VERY BAD MOVIES SEEMS TO BE WORKING. WITHIN TWO YEARS HE WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE WRITTEN OFF AS TALENTLESS BOX-OFFICE RUST WITH A PERMA-SQUINT AND POOR TEMPER. IN THIS MODERN MIRACLE, GERE PLAYS ERROL BABBAGE (PRONOUNCE "CABBAGE" WITH A "B"). ERROL TRACKS SEX OFFENDERS. FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH PEOPLE IN THIS OCCUPATION I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH AN EXAMPLE OF THEIR DUTIES. THEY FREQUENTLY BARGE IN YOUR HOUSE AND ASK YOU HOW YOU'RE DOING, WHERE YOU'RE WORKING, IS IT NEAR A SCHOOL, DO YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN TOY STORES OR THE WOMEN'S LINGERIE SECTION OF THE MALL AND SIMILAR QUESTIONS TO PUT THE SURROUNDING COMMUNITY AT EASE. AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT BUILDING SWING SETS IN LOCAL PLAYGROUNDS YOU SHOULD BE ALRIGHT. HOWEVER, EVERY NOW AND THEN THESE INSPECTORS ARRIVE AT YOUR HOME UNANNOUNCED AND ASK SOME PRETTY TRICKY QUESTIONS. FOR EXAMPLE THEY MIGHT SHOVE A PHOTO OF A TEENAGE GIRL IN YOUR FACE AND SCREAM, "MR. JERK, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL? HER NAME IS ANGELA. SHE'S THE CAPTAIN OF HER SOCCER TEAM, AN HONOUR STUDENT AND WENT MISSING 2 DAYS AGO." TO WHICH MR. JERK WOULD RESPOND, "NO SIR. THAT'S NOT EVEN MY BED IN THE PHOTO AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TIE KNOTS LIKE THAT. THOUGH MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE THIS OUT TO THE PATIO. I'VE LOCKED MY MINIATURE COLLIE IN THE BEDROOM AND YOUR LOUD VOICE IS MAKING HER WHIMPER." "MINIATURE COLLIES CAN'T SAY, 'HELP ME!' MR. JERK..." "UM...YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE SEEN THAT BED IN MY UNCLE'S HOUSE IN NANTUCKET. YOU SHOULD REALLY TALK TO HIM." AND SO ON. ANYWAY, IN THE FLOCK BABBAGE BECOMES OBSESSED WITH HIS MORE EXTREME CLIENTS AND BARELY KEEPS HIMSELF IN CHECK FROM USING HIS "UNORTHODOX" METHODS. HOWEVER, WHEN A YOUNG GIRL GOES MISSING, ALL BETS ARE OFF. CLAIRE DANES REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO BE IN THIS MOVIE. I GIVE IT ONE CORNER OF ONE STAR. -TMJ

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (HARRISON FORD, SHIA LEBEOUF, KAREN ALLEN, CATE BLANCHETT, PHOTO OF SEAN CONNERY;2008)

2008-05-22T11:39:00.009-11:00

I KNEW IT. THE MINUTE HARRISON FORD REMOVED HIS GOD DAMN EARRING HE STARTED MAKING GOOD DECISIONS AGAIN. NO MORE RANDOM HEARTS OR SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS. THANK GOD FORD DIDN’T DESTROY HIS REPUTATION AFTER K-19: THE WIDOW MAKER BY DOING SOMETHING STUPID. YOU KNOW, LIKE GET CAUGHT ASPHYXIATING HIMSELF WITH A WHIP WHILE MASTURBATING IN A HOTEL ROOM WEARING NOTHING BUT A FEDORA. I’M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD’VE HALTED THE INDIANA JONES VEHICLE. STAY COOL MICHAEL HUTCHENCE. YOU KNOW YOU SUCKED LONG BEFORE YOU DIED. LET’S NOT PRETEND WE CARED. THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL DOESN’T CHANGE THE INDIANA JONES FORMULA ONE BIT. THE STORY MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE FAR-FETCHED THAN USUAL BUT LUCAS AND SPIELBERG ALREADY SET THE BAR PRETTY HIGH WITH THE FIRST THREE JONE’S ADVENTURES. THE ACTION SCENES ARE VERY LONG BUT NEVER DULL, LIKE LITTLE MOVIES IN THEMSELVES. THE PLOT DOES INVOLVE ALIENS, POSSIBLY INDY’S BASTARD CHILD, COMMUNISM, RUSSIANS, AND NUCLEAR WEAPONRY. THE STORY DOES HAVE A COUPLE HOLES BUT IT GENERALLY WORKS. THE OPENING DOESN’T WASTE ANY TIME GETTING INTO OLD SCHOOL JONESERY. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T EXPECT IT TO BE AS GOOD AS THE FIRST THREE JONE’S FILMS, YOU’RE IN FOR A GOOD ADVENTURE MOVIE. I'll STOP THERE BEFORE I RUIN THE PLOT. SEE THIS TONIGHT. -TMJ
P.S.
THE INCOHERENT ASIAN KID FROM TEMPLE OF DOOM REPRISES HIS ROLE IN THE NEW JONES. IT'S NOT SO BAD THOUGH. HE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN WORKING WITH A VOICE & DICTION COACH AND HE'S WEARING SO MUCH MAKE-UP HE LOOKS LIKE SHIA LEBEOUF.
CATE BLANCHETT’S STILL HOT AS A RUSSIAN WITH A HORRIBLE HAIRCUT.
KAREN ALLEN AGES WORSE THAN WARM MILK.
SEAN CONNERY’S AN ASSHOLE.

THE ROAD WARRIOR (MEL GIBSON, BRUCE SPENCE;1982)

2008-05-21T03:31:00.003-11:00

THERE'S A FEW THINGS ABOUT WHICH THE MOVIE JERK IS VERY PASSIONATE. ONE IS LUNCHBOXES: THE BRIEFCASE OF THE TODDLER AND THE WORKING CLASS. THE SECOND IS YACHTING: BECAUSE I CAN. THE THIRD IS TIME WARNER CABLE: EMPLOYING THE HOMELESS SINCE 1989. AND FINALLY, THE ROAD WARRIOR. AFTER A NUCLEAR BLAST DESTROYS AUSTRALIA, THE REMAINING POPULATION TURNS INTO RAPISTS, MURDERERS, AND CANNIBALS WHO WOULD DECAPITATE THEIR FELLOW MAN FOR A GALLON OF GASOLINE. NOT UNLIKE 2008. HOWEVER, IT'S NOT THE DANGEROUS NOMADIC LIFESTYLE, OR RADIATION THAT'S FRIGHTENING. IT'S THE FACT THAT APPARENTLY AFTER A NUCLEAR BOMB EXPLODES, THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO PROVINCETOWN, MASSACHUSETTS AND THE ONLY CLOTHING TO SURVIVE THE BLAST WILL BE SILVER-STUDDED LEATHER SPEEDOS AND ASS-LESS CHAPS. LUCKILY MEL GIBSON, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, WILL DESTROY THESE S&M MONSTERS, AND RETURN US TO A CIVILIZATION BASED ON TRADITIONAL VALUES....SUCH AS LUNCH BOXES, YACHTING, AND TIME WARNER CABLE. GREAT ACTION IN THIS CLASSIC BUT IT DEFINITELY GETS WEIRDER EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

PREMONITION (SANDRA BULLOCK, JULIAN MCMAHON;2007)

2008-05-18T14:15:00.011-11:00

THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS ACTUALLY THE MOVIE JERK BEFORE, AFTER, AND DURING SEX. NOTICE THE EXPRESSION. TO ME IT SAYS "SURE, I'M PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP. AND I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BABE. I ALSO KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOUSE (NOT TO MENTION THE BED). BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU COULD BE THAT SPECIAL ONE-IN-A-MILLION GIRL AND TAKE THE FUCKIN' HINT: I'M DONE. AND UNLESS YOU COME WITH BEER, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA YOUR HOUSE AND LET ME GET SOME GODDAMN REST." SORRY. THAT WAS JUST THE ROMANTIC IN ME COMING OUT. ANYWAY, 2007 WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR. THIS MOVIE DIDN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER. I'VE GOT OUT OF BED 3 TIMES THIS YEAR INCLUDING TODAY. THE FIRST TIME I GOT OUT OF BED I HEARD SIDEBURNS WENT OUT OF STYLE AND WERE NOW ONLY POPULAR IN THE GAY COMMUNITY. ON THE SECOND DAY OF "FUCKTHIS," MY TOILET WAS OVERFLOWING AND I DECIDED TO SHIT THE BED. ON THE THIRD DAY I HEARD SANDRA BULLOCK'S LATEST GIFT TO WORLD PULLED IN 47 MILLION DOLLARS. THIS MOVIE'S ABOUT AS COOL AS HAVING 1 LINE OF COKE: FOR 10 MINUTES YOU THINK YOU'RE GOOD FOR THE NIGHT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO AXE A MOTHERFUCKER FOR 60 BUCKS AND HIS CAR KEYS. IF YOU WANT A SYNOPSIS OF THE PIECE OF SHIT GO TO YAHOO. ALL I'M GOING TO TELL YOU IS THAT IT SUCKS. -TMJ

POINT BREAK (KEANU REEVES, PATRICK SWAYZE, GARY BUSEY;1991)

2008-05-15T11:39:00.003-11:00

BEER ME!.... TO YOUR LEFT I POSTED A DIGITALLY ENHANCED PHOTO OF MR. JOSHUA (SEE LETHAL WEAPON). HE WAS LAST SEEN ON THE SET OF UNDER SIEGE IN 1992. FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, ME, AND ESPECIALLY GARY "THE GRAVY" BUSEY, POINT BREAK 2 RECENTLY GOT THE GREEN LIGHT FOR A 2009 RELEASE. MEANING BUSEY CAN DITCH HIS GROCERY CART AND START SHOPPING FOR STUDIO APARTMENTS AGAIN. CHEERS TO THE SWEET LIFE BUSEY. EASY MONEY. NO DISH WASHER BUT IT COMES WITH A MICROWAVE! FAST COOKING FOR CRACK/COCAINE OR AN UNWANTED INFANT! UNFORTUNATELY, ANY ACTOR WHO'S STILL WORTH MORE THAN A SUBWAY TOKEN IS NOT SIGNING ON FOR THIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT. WHICH MEANS BUSEY WILL REPRISE HIS ROLE AS RECOVERING F.B.I. ADDICT, ANGELO PAPPAS, RICHARD GREICO WILL SLIDE INTO SWAYZE'S ROLE AS BHODI, AND ALEX WINTER (BILL;BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) WILL FILL THE SHOES OF JOHNNY UTAH. ALEX SHOULD BE WELL RESTED AFTER HIS "SELF-IMPOSED" 20 YEAR HIATUS FROM THE BIG SCREEN. WHO KNEW ALEX'S TRUE PASSION WAS TO BE A MACHINIST IN DETROIT? I GUESS SOME PEOPLE REALLY AREN'T ATTRACTED THE GLAMOUR OF HOLLYWOOD. ANYWAY, PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT BY PURCHASING THE FIRST POINT BREAK TODAY. THOUGH IT WAS LIKE WATER IN THE DESSERT (NECESSARY & FANTASTICAL), ITS SEQUEL IS GOING TO BE A REAL COIN TOSS.

AIR AMERICA (MEL GIBSON, ROBERT DOWNEY JR.;1990)

2008-05-14T07:32:00.006-11:00

READ THE CAPTION: "THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE TOTALLY INSANE." (I DOUBT BOB DOWNEY WAS TOO PROUD WHEN HE STUMBLED INTO THE WRONG HOUSE IN MALIBU, THINKING IT WAS HIS, AND PASSED OUT). THAT BEING SAID... HOW SADLY ACCURATE IT IS WHEN LIFE IMITATES ART. IN THIS 35 MILLION DOLLAR ACTION FEAST, NOT ONLY DO RIGGS AND MURTAUGH CRASH PLANES INSTEAD OF CARS BUT THEY'RE BOTH WHITE! UNFORTUNATELY, THE PRODUCERS NARROWED THEIR TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC BY LIMITING THE PLOT TO CAUCASIAN CAMARADERIE. THEREFORE DRASTICALLY LOWERING THE BOX OFFICE REVENUE AS WELL. THERE'S SIMPLY NO OTHER EXCUSE FOR THIS GEM DOING AS POORLY AS IT DID (5 MILLION UNDER BUDGET). IF ONLY MURTAUGH WERE THERE TO HOLD BACK RIGGS AS HE FOAMED AT THE MOUTH, SHOT GUNS AND GOT ELECTROCUTED IN MID-AIR. DAMN YOU DOWNEY AND YOUR METHADONE ACTING. NEXT TIME YOU GET BACK ON THE JUNK, IRONMAN, YOU BETTER NIKKI-SIX YOUR ASS INTO A REAL BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT. I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR DANNY GLOVER'S CAREER DECISIONS. SHOOTER? SAW? THE BLACK STUDENTS' UNION? THIRD WORLD LIBERATION FRONT? I CAN'T EVEN FIND THOSE LATTER TWO MOVIES. IT'S JUST SAD. APPARENTLY MEL GIBSON AND RDJ REALLY BONDED AND ENJOYED "GETTING INTO CHARACTER" BEFORE THIS FLOP BEGAN FILMING IN THAILAND: HOME OF THE AMERICAN PEDOPHILE. I'M SHOCKED. WHAT DID THESE TWO HAVE IN COMMON ASIDE FROM A POOR SCRIPT? WAIT...WAIT....IF MY MATH IS CORRECT....MEL GIBSON BEGAN ATTENDING A.A. MEETINGS IN 1991, AND ROBERT DOWNEY JR. MADE CHAPLIN IN 1992....YES! I'VE GOT IT! THEY WERE BOTH COMPLETELY FUCKED UP WHEN FILMING BEGAN IN 1989. I LIKE TO THANK TO MY 10TH GRADE PRE-CALC TEACHER FOR NOT QUITING ON ME, AND FOR KEEPING ME AWAKE IN CLASS BY SMELLING LIKE A SHOE. I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INTO DRUGS WITHOUT YOU. CHEERS. BITCH.

THE X-FILES (DAVID DUCHOVNY, GILLIAN ANDERSON;1998)

2008-05-13T07:01:00.006-11:00

REMEMBER THESE TWO? THEY FOUGHT OFF ALIENS AND SEXUAL TENSION THROUGHOUT THE NINETIES. FOX MOULDER AND DANA SCULLY WERE THE SONNY & CHER OF THE LAST DECADE. EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T SUCK AND THEY SKIED THROUGH TREES, NOT INTO THEM. WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE STILL AROUND TO RELEASE THE X-FILES SEQUEL THIS JULY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT SCULLY RETURNING TO THE BIG SCREEN LOOKING LIKE MOLLY RINGWALD, OR JUDD NELSON FOR THAT MATTER. YOU'VE ACTUALLY SEEN HER RECENTLY IN THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND. SHE PLAYED THE HOT BLOND DOCTOR WHO RIDES THAT SCOTTISH TOOL. IN THE FIRST X-FILES "SPOOKY" AND DANA THWART E.T.'S PLANS TO COLONIZE OUR PLANET BY SEDUCING OUR WOMEN WITH REECES PIECES AND THE TYPE OF CHARM THAT CAN ONLY BE EXUDED BY ANYTHING WITH A FLAT-FACE AND GLOWING FINGERS. LIKE MY COUSIN JAMES. EXCEPT HE WASN'T AN ALIEN. HIS MOTHER JUST BEAT HIM IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN AND EXTINGUISHED HER CIGARETTES WITH HIS INDEX FINGER. I CONSOLED HIM BY TELLING HIM HE LOOKED LIKE E.T. I LIKE TO THINK I HELPED. HE'S PRETTY CONFIDENT TODAY. ANYWAY, IF THE SCRIPT FOR THE X-FILES 2: I WANT TO BELIEVE IS HALF AS GOOD AS THE FIRST, IT SHOULD BE A WINNER. LOOK FOR IT THIS JULY. AND GET CAUGHT UP BY RENTING THE FIRST X-FILES MOVIE TONIGHT.

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL (RYAN GOSLING, EMILY MORTIMER;2007)

2008-05-11T11:17:00.008-11:00

RYAN GOSLING PLAYS A GENIUS IN THIS ADORABLE DRAMEDY. CRAZY, AND SELF-ISOLATING FOR MONTHS, GOSLING'S CHARACTER, LARS, GIVES IN A BOFFS A PLASTIC DOLL HE ORDERED ONLINE. HOWEVER, BECAUSE THE ENTIRE TOWN PITIES HIM, HE DOESN'T STOP THERE. HE ACTUALLY PARADES THIS "HARD" BODY AROUND TOWN AS HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE BRINGS HER TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE, HIS BROTHER'S HOUSE, CHURCH AND TO HIS FAVORITE LAKE. THE TOWN PLAYS ALONG WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY THINK HE'S DELUSIONAL. I WILL WATCH THIS MOVIE AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK HE'S BRILLIANT. LARS MANAGES TO CONVINCE AN ENTIRE TOWN IT'S O.K. TO DATE A PLASTIC, LIFE-SIZED DOLL-SLUT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONCEIVE A WAY TO DO THIS FOR YEARS. FIRST I KEPT HER IN MY BATHTUB, THEN I DRUNKENLY TOOK HER TO THE BAR (AS A "JOKE"), AND FINALLY, I TRULY "BROUGHT HER OUT" AT A DEBUTANTE BALL. THE LAST STEP WAS A LITTLE TRICKY AND FAILED. IT GOT WEIRD. FOR OTHERS. EVENTUALLY WE GOT CAUGHT IN THE H.O.V. LANE. APPARENTLY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DRIVING IN THE "CARPOOL" LANE WITH PLASTIC, OR INFLATABLE DOLLS TO FOOL THE TRAFFIC POLICE. NATURALLY THIS WASN'T OUR PROBLEM. JAMME (PRONOUNCED "JAMIE") WAS VERY REAL. HOWEVER, THE COPS FOUND COCAINE ON HER AND SHE BLEW A NOTHING. WHICH IS A APPARENTLY RARE. I EXPRESSED MY DISAPPOINTMENT WITH THE ARRESTING OFFICERS AND TOLD THEM TO BRING HER IN. THEY JUST SLOWLY BACKED AWAY AND DREW THEIR WEAPONS. ANYWAY, THE ROMANCE DIED THAT NIGHT. PLUS, I HEARD SHE TALKED TO THE COPS. AND WE ALWAYS AGREED SHE WOULDN'T TALK. IT WAS THIS BEST PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP......I MOVED ON BUT AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I'M WILLING TO OPEN-UP AGAIN. I RECOMMEND YOU RENT THIS TODAY. -TMJ.

CONSPIRACY (VAL KILMER, JENNIFER ESPOSITO;2008)

2008-05-08T07:37:00.004-11:00

VAL KILMER'S WEIGHT GAIN IS NO LONGER TOP SECRET. IN THIS ACTION PACKED CONFUSATHON, WHICH SHOULD REALLY BE CONSIDERED VAL KILMER'S RESIGNATION FROM THE MOVIE BUSINESS, ICE-MAN STARS AS A WOUNDED MARINE SUFFERING FROM P.T.S.D. WHICH IN VAL KILMER'S CASE STANDS FOR, PAIR of TITS & STOMACH-DICK. SERIOUSLY, THIS GUY'S PLAYING A MARINE BUT HE LOOKS LIKE CHILI SHIT. ANYWAY, SEMI-RETIRED, MEANING FULLY-DRUNK, VAL CRUISES UP TO ARIZONA TO VISIT A FRIEND WHO HAS SOME LAND AND WORK PROSPECTS.... START A NEW LIFE TYPE OF THING. YOU KNOW THE DRILL. HOWEVER, WHEN THE SAINT ARRIVES IN ARIZONA, AFTER SINGLE-HANDEDLY CAUSING A GREYHOUND BUS TO BURN AT LEAST TWO EXTRA TANKS OF GAS, HIS FRIEND IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. NATURALLY, ICE-MAN DOESN'T NOTIFY ANY AUTHORITIES BUT INSTEAD TURNS INTO AN ASS-KICKING P.I. THIS LEADS TO MANY PEOPLE DYING. SOME PROBABLY INNOCENT. I WOULD RECCOMEND WATCHING THIS ON TNT. THAT'S IT. THIS IS NOT KILMER'S BEST WORK. HOPEFULLY HIS NEXT PROJECT WILL BE, THE DOORS 2: HOW MORRISON FOUGHT OBESITY AND BRONCHITIS IN 1971.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke;2008)

2008-05-06T08:29:00.004-11:00

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD, HE'LL MAKE YOU WATCH PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN HAVE SEX. WHICH IS THE OPENING ACT OF THIS FILM: P.S.H. PLOWING MARISA TOMEI. THE CLOSEST THING I COULD COMPARE THIS TO WOULD BE WATCHING A RHINOCEROS TAKE A SHIT ON A SMALL BIRD. PERHAPS A HUMMING BIRD. LORD KNOWS SHE WAS FLAPPING HER ARMS FASTER THAN A HUMMING BIRD'S WINGS IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE THE PHALLIC GRASP OF HER OBESE CAPTOR. I NEED TO STOP NOW. IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR LUNCH. ANYWAY, THE STORY IS ABOUT TWO BROTHERS WHO BOTH NEED FAST CASH FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. THE MORE WICKED OF THE TWO BROTHERS (HOFFMAN), COAXES HIS YOUNGER BROTHER (HAWKE) INTO ROBBING A JEWELRY STORE. THE CATCH IS, THE JEWELRY STORE IS OWNED BY THEIR PARENTS. THE ROBBERY GOES HAYWIRE AND FROM THERE EACH BROTHERS' CONSCIENCE EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND EMOTIONS A MINUTE. THE ACTING IS GOOD TO INCREDIBLE, DEPENDING TO WHICH ACTOR WE'RE REFERRING (HOFFMAN BEING THE BEST AS USUAL). THE STORY IS POWERFUL, ORIGINAL AND VERY DISTURBING. THE MOVIE IS DEFINITELY WORTH RENTING. AND I RECOMMEND YOU START THIS MOVIE ON "SCENE 2: YOU WILL ACHIEVE ERECTION AGAIN BECAUSE YOU AVOIDED SCENE 1."

IRON MAN (ROBERT DOWNEY JR.;2008)

2008-05-03T04:28:00.005-11:00

ROBERT DOWNEY'S NEW REHAB SUIT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY FOOL PROOF. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LIPS TO WRAP AROUND A CRACK PIPE. IT DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE WITH WHICH TO SNORT COCAINE. AND DEALER'S BULLETS BOUNCE RIGHT OFF THIS PUPPY, NOT TO MENTION NEEDLES. I SUPPOSE "IRON MAN," A.K.A INMATE 3895, COULD LIE ON HIS BACK AND POUR WHISKEY THROUGH THE MOUTH PIECE BUT IF THAT'S IT.....WE'LL TAKE IT! CONGRATULATIONS RDJ! YOU. ARE. CURED. NOW GO SPREAD THE WORD WILD MAN......THIS MOVIE IS THE BEST SUPERHERO MOVIE NEXT TO CHRISTIAN BALE'S BATMANS. THOUGH BATMAN IS STILL FAR SUPERIOR, ROBERT DOWNEY'S PERFORMANCE AS TONY STARK IS HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. GYNWETH PALTROW IS PERFECT AS RDJ'S UNSEXY/SEXY ASSISTANT, AND WE ALL KNOW JEFF BRIDGES IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING....SO HE WORKS OUT WELL AS THE BAD GUY. THE ENDING TO IRON MAN HAS A NEAT LITTLE TWIST AS WELL. IT'S SIMPLE AND INCREDIBLY FUN. EXACTLY WHAT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOULD BE. GET ON LINE RIGHT NOW. -TMJ

CSI: COKE SPEED INJECTION

2008-05-01T09:14:00.005-11:00

COPS: "WAIT...WAIT...GET THIS GUYS...O.K., O.K... HEY GARY CAN, UM, WE GET A DNA SAMPLE (SNICKER)? NO...WAIT...WAIT..HOW 'BOUT A BLOOD CULTURE?" AHAHAHAHAHA. "WE'RE JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE FUCKED. GET IN THE CAR ASSHOLE."

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (JASON SEGEL,RUSSEL BRAND, KRISTIN BELL, MILA KUNIS;2008)

2008-04-30T10:44:00.008-11:00

BETTER THAN KNOCKED UP. FUNNIER THEN GARY DOURDAN AT COACHELLA. NO SUPERBAD. I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF LIMITING THE ACTORS IN THIS PHOTO TO THE FUNNY ONES….. "BUT…BUT…MR. MOVIEJERK THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO…." TMJ: "I KNOW PETEY. NOW KEEP LICKING THE WINDOWS ‘TILL THE BUS COMES TO A FULL STOP. AND DON’T YOU QUIT SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE FACE. REMEMBER, PEOPLE WHO CONTROL THEIR BODY MOVEMENTS AREN’T SPECIAL LIKE YOU. AND WHY AREN’T THEY SPECIAL PETEY?"….PETEY: "WHEN IT'S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN?" TMJ: "AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME KID. WAY TO CORK THE FORK LITTLE BUDDY. AIM FOR THE HALL AND NOT THE WALL." THE REASON THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO IS BECAUSE WITHOUT HIM THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN’T RECOMMEND THIS LITTLE NUMBER. MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE HYPE THAT LET ME DOWN. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE IT’S NOTHING MORE THAN A RACY ROMANTIC COMEDY. I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT…WAIT…YES I CAN….IT’S MASHED POTATOES. IT’S ALSO JUST NOT THAT FUNNY. THE RIDICULOUS ENGLISH ROCK STAR REALLY SAVES THE DAY. DEFINITELY WORTH A RENTAL.

HOLY SHIT: SPECIAL POST

2008-04-29T12:14:00.002-11:00

THE FORCE IS NO LONGER WITH MARK HAMILL. NOR WAS IT ABSORBED BY THAT THING TO HIS LEFT.

BABY MAMA (TINA FEY, AMY POEHLER; 2008)

2008-04-29T06:09:00.003-11:00

THE MOVIE JERK LOVES TINA FEY. SHE'S EASY TO BECOME INFATUATED WITH BECAUSE SHE SEEMS ACHIEVABLE. NOT NECESSARILY FOR ME, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO'S NET WORTH CONSISTS OF MORE THAN 5 MILLIGRAMS OF VALIUM, A FISH TANK, AND A MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET. THIS IS A COMEDY ABOUT SURROGATE MOTHERS. A SURROGATE MOTHER IS APPARENTLY POOR WHITE TRASH YOU CAN PAY TO HAVE YOUR KID AND THEN TELL HER TO LEAVE FOREVER. SOUNDS AMAZING. SURROGATE MOTHERS ARE LIKE HOOKERS EXCEPT THEIR PURPOSE IS DIFFERENT AND THEY STAY LONGER. THEY TALK MORE TOO. I HATE TALKING HOOKERS. I GUESS WITH SURROGATE MOTHERS THERE'S MORE TO TALK ABOUT THOUGH. I WONDER IF THEY MAKE MUTE ONES....?ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH TINA FEY. EVEN THOUGH THIS MOVIE MIGHT FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF "CHICK FLICK" IT'S STILL PRETTY DAMN FUNNY. TMJ RECOMMENDS IT TODAY.....STEVE MARTIN ALSO HAS AN INCREDIBLE ROLE IN THIS.

THE SAVAGES (PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, LAURA LINNEY;2007)

2008-04-26T20:41:00.005-11:00

THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE WHO'VE WALKED THIS PLANET THAT HAVE TRULY FOUND THEIR CALLING AND MASTERED THEIR RESPECTIVE CRAFTS. THERE'S JESUS CHRIST, WHO GOT SIDE TRACKED WITH THE WHOLE SON OF GOD THING, BUT HE COULD TURN A 2X4 INTO THE TAJ MAHAL. THERE'S JENNA JAMESON WHO COULD SUCK THE EXPLOSION OUT OF DYNOMITE. THERE'S TOM CRUISE WHO'S BEHAVIOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY REINFORCES OUR CONSTITUTION (NAMELY THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS)....AND THEN THERE'S PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, WHO MIGHT BE THE ONLY ACTOR TO HONESTLY DESERVE A SPOT IN THE 20-MILLION-A-MOVIE CLUB. I'D PAY TEN DOLLARS TO WATCH THIS GUY BRUSH HIS TEETH. THE SAVAGES IS AN EXTRAORDINARY ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT FOCUSES ON THE UNFORTUNATE EMOTIONAL DISTANCES THAT CAN ONLY DEVELOP BETWEEN FAMILY AND LOVED ONES, AND THE DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCES THAT MUST OFTEN OCCUR TO RECOGNIZE WHO REALLY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU. THE SAVAGES DELIVERS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT DRAMATIC PERFORMANCES WHICH ARE ONLY MADE MORE COLOURFUL AND CRISP BY THE SCRIPT'S INTELLIGENT, FIERCE, AND SUBTLE COMEDIC UNDERTONES.

ONE MISSED CALL (ED BURNS, SHANNYN SOSSAMON;2008)

2008-04-25T06:48:00.009-11:00

"WAIT, WAIT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. SO, THIS IS A RECORDING OF ME MOMENTS BEFORE MY DEATH? HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU'RE BREAKING UP. IT'S SOUNDS LIKE I'M CHOKING ON A STEAK AT HOUSTON'S. OH MY GOD! PLAY THE MESSAGE AGAIN....YEAH, I WAS RIGHT. I'M GOING TO CHOKE TO DEATH ON A STEAK FROM NOT CHEWING PROPERLY IN THE NEAR FUTURE! OH SHIT! GET ALL THE BEEF OUT OF THE HOUSE AND CANCEL MY DINNER RESERVATIONS AT ZANIBAR FOR THE NEXT WEEK." PHEW, TALK ABOUT SOME FRIGHTENING STUFF. VERIZON REALLY KNOWS HOW TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. THE MOVIE JERK HAS HAD SOME BAD IDEAS, BUT NONE AS BAD AS MAKING THIS MOVIE. SUCH AS THE TIME HE EMPTIED HIS FLASK INTO A GLASS OF MILK AT A M.A.D.D. PARTY ONLY TO EXCLAIM, "HEY LADIES, MAYBE IF WE MADE CARS WITH MORE WHEELS WE COULD KEEP DRINKING AND BE SAFE?" "YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT ONE?" "EW YEAH MRS. JONES, I'D LIKE TO DESIGNATE YOU TO SUCK MY..." ANYWAY, IT GOT PRETTY UGLY. MUCH LIKE THIS MOVIE, WHICH IS WORSE THAN 5 FAT CHICKS IN AN ELEVATOR.

OCEAN'S 13 (BRAD PITT, GEORGE CLOONEY, AL PACINO, MATT DAMON;2007)

2008-04-23T12:21:00.002-11:00

IN THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF A FRANCHISE THAT SHOULD'VE STOPPED AT THE FIRST, THE HIGHEST PAID ACTORS ON THE PLANET RETURN TO DESTROY HOLLYWOOD BUDGETS AND MAKE STEALING ATTRACTIVE AND THEREFORE, NOT WRONG. AFTER DANNY OCEAN'S MENTOR IS DOUBLE CROSSED BY A HUMAN ORANGE (AL PACINO), HE AND HIS GANG OF SUPER COOL THIEVES DECIDE TO RIP OFF THE ORANGE'S NEW CASINO/HOTEL NAMED, THE BANK. IN ORDER TO PULL OFF THIS FEISTY HEIST, DANNY'S 13 MUST REQUEST THE HELP OF ANDY GARCIA (WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN), THE CASINO OWNER THEY PREVIOUSLY RIPPED OFF IN OCEAN'S 11. TALK ABOUT HIGH STAKES. OH MY. THIS MOVIE DOESN'T FOCUS SO MUCH ON VEGAS, OR PLOT, AS IT DOES RIDICULOUS PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T EXIST. AT THIS RATE I EXPECT DANNY'S 14TH TO BE A MUPPET.....AL PACINO GIVES A GLOWING PERFORMANCE. THAT LITTLE CHINESE THING STEALS THE SHOW THOUGH.

INDECENT SEDUCITON (GARY COLE, UNDERAGE GIRLS;1996)

2008-04-22T11:42:00.004-11:00

THE MOVIE JERK JUST CAUGHT THIS COMEDY ON LIFETIME. THIS IS THE STORY OF COACH NASH, A.K.A, "THE OKLAHOMA TICKLER." NASH COACHES THE FOOTBALL TEAM OF A SMALL OKLAHOMA HIGH SCHOOL WHERE HE’S ALSO THE SCIENCE TEACHER. NASH IS A REAL "HANDS-ON" TEACHER. HE’S EXTREMELY "ENGAGING." HE’S "OLD FASHIONED." HE DOESN’T GIVE "F’S" HE GIVES "SPANKINGS." "EXTRA CREDIT" IS ALWAYS AN OPTION IN CLASS NASH. SAVE THE "SH" IN "NASH" FOR, "SHHHHHHHH." NOT ONLY DOES NASH TEACH CLASS, HE’S GOT IT. AND THE GIRLS LOVE HIS SUAVE SHORT-SLEEVE, BROWN, BUTTON DOWN. IT SAYS, "MEET ME IN THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE BUT NOT IN THAT OUTFIT." IN BETWEEN BEDDING STUDENTS ON HIS PERIODIC TABLE, NASTY NASH RUNS ONE HELL OF A FOOTBALL TEAM. WHICH IS WHY THE ADMINISTRATION TURNS A BLIND EYE TO HIS INDISCRETIONS. MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU’RE A WINNER, NOTHING’S ILLEGAL. BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE: NASH IS PLAYED BY LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE. FUNNIEST QUOTE: (GIRL TO PRINCIPAL) "I THINK COACH NASH AND AMY ARE DOING IT." (PRINCIPAL) "ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT MAKING UP RUMOURS BECAUSE YOU’RE JEALOUS AMY’S GETTING MORE ATTENTION IN CLASS THAN YOU?" GOOD LORD. THE MOVIE JERK FELL OFF HIS COUCH HE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. GOD BLESS LIFETIME.

88 MINUTES (AL PACINO, LEELEE SOBIESKI, ALICIA WITT;2008)

2008-04-21T06:23:00.003-11:00

THIS IS THE UNTHRILLING STORY OF A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST WHO’S COMPLETING HIS TRANSFORMATION INTO A PEACOCK. AL PACINO’S TAIL-FEATHER HAIRPIECE MAKES IT VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE THIS MOVIE SERIOUSLY. ONLY IN CLOSE-UPS, CUT OFF AT HIS FOREHEAD, WAS I ABLE TO ENGAGE THE PLOT, WHICH, IRONICALLY, COULD’VE BEEN CONCEIVED BY A BIRD. THE STORY IS THIS: DR. JACK GRAHM IS A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST WHO BASES HIS TESTIMONIES IN COURT ON POSITIVELY NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER. HOWEVER, BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH AN EXCELLENT REPUTATION, AND IS A BEST SELLING AUTHOR, ANYONE DR. GRAHM POINTS HIS WINGS AT IS A CRIMINAL. OBVIOUSLY, SOME DEFENDANTS ARE FRUSTRATED BY THE CAVALIER ATTITUDE WITH WHICH DR. GRAHM SENTENCES PEOPLE TO PRISON AND DEATH. ONE OF THE "FALSELY ACCUSED" IS BAD ACTOR, NEAL MCDONOUGH. NEAL MCDONOUGH SHOULDN’T BE CAST IN LOW BUDGET PORN, NOT TO MENTION ANYTHING DISTRIBUTED BY A COMPANY AS LARGE AS MIRAMAX. HOWEVER, HE MANAGED TO LAND THIS "COMEDIC" ROLE AS THE PUPPETEER BEHIND AL PACINO’S LAST 88 MINUTES ALIVE, AND WORST 108 MINUTES ON CAMERA….EVER. TAKE A PASS ON THIS AND GO WATCH A SUNSET, OR A COCKFIGHT, OR LOW BUDGET PORN. -TMJ

PEOPLE I KNOW (AL PACINO, TEA LEONI, KIM BASSINGER, RYAN O'NEAL;2003)

2008-04-16T07:19:00.003-11:00

AL PACINO PROVIDES ONE OF HIS MOST RIDICULOUS PERFORMANCES TO DATE IN THIS FLOP. (I HAVE FAITH THAT WATCHING HIS HAIRPIECE IN THE UPCOMING 88 MINUTES WILL BE MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE PLOT). IN THIS DISASTER, AL PLAYS PUBLICIST ELI WURMAN, WHO, ACCORDING TO PACINO'S CHARACTER INTERPRETATION, IS ACTUALLY RUMPELSTILTSKIN. THROUGHOUT THIS MESS, WE WATCH WURMAN SLITHER AROUND NEW YORK CLEANING UP CELEBRITIES' MESSES. HIS MOST FAMOUS CLIENT, CARY LAUNER, IS PLAYED BY THE UN-DEAD RYAN O'NEAL. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT FORGOT, OR NEVER CARED, O'NEAL GARNERED FAME FOR THE 1970 HIT LOVE STORY AND FOR BEATING HIS CHILDREN IN PUBLIC (http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/02/04/oneal.arrest/index.html?imw=Y).

ANYWAY, LAUNER ASKS WURMAN TO GET RID OF A DRUG-ADDLED SLUT HE DRAGGED BACK TO NEW YORK FROM SOME EXOTIC LOCATION. BEING THE DUTIFUL DWARF THAT HE IS, WURMAN, BAILS HER OUT OF JAIL AND BRINGS HER TO HER HOTEL TO PACK. ONCE THERE, WURMAN POPS TOO MANY PILLS AND COLLAPSES IN HER TUB. THIS SCENE'S A REAL NAIL BITER. FROM THE TUB, WURMAN WITNESSES THE HO GET RAPED AND KILLED. QUE SCARY MUSIC. TURNS OUT SHE WAS INVOLVED IN SOME HIGH PROFILE SLUTTY DRUG STUFF WITH IMPORTANT PEOPLE. THAT'S IT. I QUIT. THIS MOVIE WAS AN UNFORTUNATE CHOICE FOR ALL INVOLVED. IT RAKED IN $121,972 AT THE BOX OFFICE. WHICH, AT 10 DOLLARS A POP, MEANS 12,197 PEOPLE SAW THIS IN THEATERS.

THE NUMBER 23 (FIRE MARSHAL BILL, VIRGINIA MADSEN, TWENTY THREE;2007)

2008-04-15T08:13:00.004-11:00

THIS PICTURE WAS ACTUALLY TAKEN AFTER THE LOS ANGELES' PREMIERE..... THE TRUMAN SHOW WAS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. JIM CARREY IS NOT ROBIN WILLIAMS. HE WILL NEVER CONVINCE VIEWERS HE'S CAPABLE OF DRAMA. HE ONCE AGAIN PROVES HIMSELF AS A COMEDIAN, AND ONLY A COMEDIAN, IN THE NUMBER 23. THIS MOVIE WOULD'VE BEEN JUST AS GOOD HAD IT STARRED BLACKIE DAMMETT. CARREY PLAYS BOTH THE GOOD GUY AND BAD GUY IN THIS OBNOXIOUS FAIRYTALE. THE GOOD CARREY IS A DOG CATCHER AND FAMILY MAN, THE BAD CARREY IS A SAX-PLAYING, HOMICIDAL DETECTIVE NAMED FINGERLING. FIRST OF ALL, THE NAME FINGERLING SHOULD BE RESTRICTED TO MIDGET PORN. SECOND, WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY DANGEROUS SAX PLAYER ON PLANET IS THIS GUY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4. (OUR MAN, I CALL HIM "THE HEAT," CAMEOS IN AT THE 30 SECOND MARKER). THAT BEING SAID, THIS MOVIE IS PREPOSTEROUS. THERE'S SOME COOL COINCIDENCES WITH THE NUMBER 23 BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. YOU SHOULD RENT THIS MOVIE JUST TO THROW IT OUT. YOU'LL BE HELPING SOMEONE ELSE, LIKE UNICEF, EXCEPT IT'S ALL U.

SMART PEOPLE (DENNIS QUAID, ELLEN PAGE, THOMAS HADEN CHURCH, SARAH JESSICA PARKER, ASHTON HOLMES;2008)

2008-04-14T07:44:00.006-11:00

RANDY QUAID'S EMPLOYED BROTHER, DENNIS, GIVES ONE OF HIS FINEST PERFORMANCES SINCE DREAMSCAPE, AS SEVERELY DEPRESSED PROFESSOR, LAWRENCE WETHERHOLD. AFTER WOUNDING HIMSELF IN A HUMOROUS FENCE-CLIMBING ACCIDENT, WETHERHOLD MUST CHECK HIMSELF INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOR REPAIRS. WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL, WETHERHOLD ENCOUNTERS THE WOMAN HE'LL TRY TO BANG FOR THE NEXT HOUR. THAT WOMAN, IS THE DEVASTATINGLY UNATTRACTIVE WHORE WHO'S FUCKED HALF NEW YORK OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS. THAT'S RIGHT, YAAAAAY! FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE!, SARAH JESSICA PARKER! JESUS, I'D RATHER MOUNT A SATURN. GREAT MPG, SLEEK BUILD, HORSE POWER NOT HORSE FACE. YEAH, I'D HIT THAT. VRRRHOOOM VRRRRHOOM.....THOMAS HADEN CHURCH IS HYSTERICAL IN THIS MOVIE, ESPECIALLY IN HIS INTERACTIONS WITH THE UNDERAGE ELLEN PAGE. SMART PEOPLE IS NO JUNO, BUT IT'S OF THE SAME FAMILY AND WORTH THE 10 BUCKS.

STREET KINGS (KEANU REEVES, FOREST "LOOK ME IN THE EYE" WHITAKER, DR. HOUSE, JAY MOHR;2008)

2008-04-13T06:20:00.005-11:00

KEANU REEVES (KEY-ON-EWW R-YVES) HASN'T GOTTEN ANY BRIGHTER SINCE THE LAKE HOUSE, THE FILM IN WHICH HE PLAYS A HOME OWNER. HOWEVER, HE HAS LEARNED TO CHOOSE ROLES WHICH ARE BETTER SUITED TO HIS ACTING RANGE. COPS AND STUFFED ANIMALS ARE THE WISEST CHARACTERS FOR MR. REEVES TO TACKLE. IN THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE REEVES PLAYS DETECTIVE TOM LUDLOW, A COP WITH MULTIPLE DUI'S WHO IS AS COMFORTABLE KILLING AS HE IS ORDERING AN OMELET. AFTER HIS PARTNER IS SHOT AN UNNECESSARY NUMBER OF TIMES, LUDLOW'S INVESTIGATION INTO HIS MURDER EXPOSES A RING OF CORRUPT POLICE OFFICERS. FILMED IN NEIGHBORHOODS MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T FLY OVER IN A HELICOPTER, STREET KINGS HAS NO SHORTAGE OF COLOURFUL CHARACTERS. THOUGH KINGS WON'T BE UP FOR A SINGLE AWARD ANY TIME SOON, IT'S STILL A HIGHLY ENTERTAINING 1HR AND 47MINUTE STORY OF PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE LAW WHO ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. THE MOVIE JERK RECOMMENDS SEEING IT TONIGHT.

LIONS FOR LAMBS (TOM "THE BOMB" CRUISE, ROBERT "NEW SKIN NOW PLEASE" REDFORD, MERYL "EWW YEAH!" STREEP;2007)

2008-04-11T06:29:00.005-11:00

"O.K. MAV, YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE A SHIT UNTIL THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY, OR KENNY LOGGINS, CALLS AND GIVES YOU PERMISSION. YOU'RE THE BOSS-MAN. YOU'RE IN CONTROL. HANDS ON WHEEL TOM. EYE OF THE TIGER. WHEN LIONS FOR LAMBS OPENS YOU'RE GONNA BE A FUCKING GOD AGAIN. JUST LIKE AFTER THE OPENING OF FAR AND AWAY. PEOPLE WILL WEEP FOR MY GENIUS...OH CHRIST I JUST FARTED. WHY DOES OVIII-80SCH KEEP TESTING ME LIKE THIS? I'M A SENATOR, A PILOT, A NAVY LAWYER, A RACE CAR DRIVER, A SECRET AGENT, A DISFIGURED CEO.....GODDAMN IT. I'M AN ACTOR."..... THIS MOVIE WAS....HOW DO YOU SAY?.....NOT GOOD. I DON'T MIND BE LECTURED BY ROBERT REDFORD FOR 90 MINUTES AS LONG AS THE LECTURE IS FOCUSED ON BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, SNEAKERS, THE NATURAL, PRE-MATURE AGING, OR THE LEPER COLONY FROM WHICH HE ESCAPED. ANY OTHER TOPICS BETTER COME WITH A FREE SANDWICH. TOM CRUISE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS SO IN TOUCH WITH REALITY THAT I PRETTY MUCH BELIEVE WHATEVER HE SAYS. WHAT'S THAT TOM? GLOBAL WARMING IS ACTUALLY INSIDE MY SOCKS?...I'M SO SORRY. I'LL NEVER WEAR SOCKS AGAIN. I'VE PROBABLY ALREADY KILLED 1,000 POLAR BEARS WEARING BUSINESS SOCKS ALONE! OH MY GOD! EVERYONE MUST FREEZE THERE SOCKS! IN THIS BORE, MAV PLAYS MINIATURE REPUBLICAN SENATOR, JASPER IRVING. AS THE VIEWER YOU GET TO ENJOY LISTENING TO JASPER'S NEW STRATEGY FOR THE WAR ON TERROR. MERYL STREEP IS THE UNATTRACTIVE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, INTELLIGENT, LIBERAL JOURNALIST INTERVIEWING JASPER. ROBERT REDFORD PLAYS AN IRRELEVANT COLLEGE PROFESSOR WITH ZERO EFFECT ON NATIONAL POLICY. WHEN YOU COMBINE THESE THREE, YOU GET, WHAT THEY CALL IN THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS, "A SLEEPER, THAT STAYS ASLEEP." THIS MOVIE IS INSULTING, ARROGANT BULLSHIT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

FEAST OF LOVE (GREG KINNEAR, MORGAN FREEMAN, JANE ALEXANDER;2008)

2008-04-07T12:28:00.003-11:00

ROBIN HOOD'S COLOURED COMRADE IS BACK ON THE BIG SCREEN IN A BIG WAY IN THE WRONG MOVIE. SLAP-HAPPY SEX DEVIL, MORGAN FREEMAN, GIVES HIS MOST ASTONISHING PERFORMANCE SINCE BRUBAKER IN FEAST OF LOVE. THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING AND DISTURBING "ROMANTIC COMEDY" SINCE LEAVING LAS VEGAS. I GOT A BETTER NIGHT'S REST AFTER WATCHING SLEEPERS AND I WAS ACTUALLY STAYING IN KEVIN BACON'S GUEST HOUSE. WE HAD AN INTERVIEW EARLY THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT KEVIN'S PIG-NOSE AND HOW IT RELATED TO HIS LAST NAME. THE INTERVIEW WAS TO TAKE PLACE IN HIS SHE'S HAVING A BABY-ROOM. ANYWAY, GUESS WHICH OF THE TRUE/FALSE QUESTIONS, LISTED BELOW, HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE:

A. LESBIAN SEX

B. GIRLFRIEND BEATING

C. HEROIN RECOVERY

D. ABUSIVE/ALCOHOLIC THREATENS GIRL WITH HUNTING KNIFE

E. SAME GUY TRIES TO KILL SAME GIRL IN THE END

F. MICHAEL KEATON CAMEOS WITH MULTIPLICITY REFERENCE

G. YOUNG GUY DIES LEAVING TWO FATHERLESS INFANT DAUGHTERS

YOU GUESSED IT JUANCITO. F IS FALSE. THERE'S NO HUMOR IN THIS FILM. THE MOVIE JERK FINISHED IT IN A FETAL POSITION, CRYING OVER A PINT OF BEN & JERRY'S LOVE-YOURSELF-FAT-GIRL-MINT-CHIP. MMMMMM.

DAN IN REAL LIFE (STEVE CARELL, JULLIETTE BINOCHE, DANE COOK;2007)

2008-04-06T15:46:00.005-11:00

IN "REAL LIFE" DAN SCREWS HIS BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND TO HELP HIMSELF FORGET ABOUT HIS DEAD FIANCE. THAT IS, WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON HERE. AND NO, THAT'S NOT FUNNY, AND NOT O.K.......UNLESS IT'S STEVE CARELL AND DANE COOK IN THE BEST ROMANTIC COMEDY OF 2007! IN WHICH CASE, DAN (CARELL) COULD BEAT THE FAMILY DOG AND IT'S STILL ALL LAUGHS. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS, WHEN FUNNY PEOPLE HURT OTHERS, IT'S NOT WRONG. DANE COOK'S IN THIS MOVIE. THEY FAILED TO MENTION THAT IN THE F.B.I. WARNING. THE ACTUAL MESSAGE OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT NOTHING CAN COME BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE. NOT EVEN A HORRIBLY INTRUSIVE FAMILY. TOUCHING. THE STORY ALSO CLAIMS TWO PEOPLE CAN FALL IN LOVE IN ABOUT 5 HOURS WITHOUT LIQUOR, DRUGS, OR PAYMENT. THIS IS NOT TRUE. IT'S A GREAT THOUGHT TO ENTERTAIN. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALSO A GIANT LET DOWN ONCE THE MOVIE ENDS AND YOU REALIZE NO ONE LOVES YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY HOURS THEY'VE KNOWN YOU. CHIN UP. TMJ'S GOT GOOD NEWS: YOU CAN OWN THIS MOVIE TODAY FOR $19.99! DAN IN REAL LIFE IS ACTUALLY A CHARMING, NO-BRAINER. IT'S PERFECT FOR A SUNDAY EVENING AFTER A LONG WEEKEND, OR IF YOU JUST FEEL LIKE SHIT IN GENERAL.

THE RUINS (JOHNATHON TUCKER, LAURA RAMSEY, JENA MALONE;2008)

2008-04-05T07:18:00.005-11:00

THE TITLE OF THIS HORROR FILM IS MORE THAN ACCURATE. THIS MOVIE ALSO COULD HAVE BEEN TITLED, THE WORST, THIS'LL HURT, NO SEQUEL PLEASE, GOOD LORD IS THIS OVER YET?, AND/OR WHERE'S MY REFUND? THE STORY LINE IS SIMPLE. FOUR AMERICAN TOURISTS TRAVEL TO CANCUN TO DRINK AND VOMIT. ON THEIR LAST DAY THEY DECIDE TO BRANCH OUT AND GO SEE SOMETHING BESIDES THE FLOOR. THAT "SOMETHING" IS AN ANCIENT MAYAN TEMPLE. ONCE THEY ARRIVE AT THE TEMPLE THEY'RE ATTACKED AND TRAPPED BY MEXICANS WHO DON'T SPEAK SPANISH OR ENGLISH. FORCED TO REMAIN ON THE MYSTERIOUS TEMPLE, THE FOURSOME BEGINS SEARCHING FOR AN ALTERNATE EXIT FROM THE ONE BEING BLOCKED BY SPEEDY GONZALES AND SLO-MO. IT'S THEN.......MWHAHAHAHAH!... THAT THEY'RE ATTACKED BY KILLER VINES! YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY, KILLER VINES. IT WAS ALSO THEN THAT THE MOVIE JERK BECAME SO BORED HE BEGAN CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AND GRABBING PEOPLE'S TOES, SCREAMING, "GET 'EM OFF ME!" "THESE FUCKING VINES ARE EVERYWHERE!" "OH MY GOD YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!" LUCKILY, THEY LET ME BRING MY LAPTOP INTO THE DRUNK TANK, FROM WHICH I DELIVER THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU....DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.

THE DARJEELING LIMITED (OWEN WILSON, ADRIEN BRODY, JASON SCHWARTZMAN;2007)

2008-04-03T12:13:00.004-11:00

THE DARJEELING LIMITED, (PRONOUNCED, "NOT AS GOOD AS THE ROYAL TENNEMBAUMS") IS ADEQUATE. THE COMBINATION OF ANDERSON AND WILSON NEVER FAILS TO PRODUCE THAT INTELLIGENT, SUBTLE HUMOUR WE'VE ALL COME TO EXPECT. THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN NOT GETTING WHAT YOU EXPECT. FOR EXAMPLE, "LISTEN BABE, I'M SLIDING UP THE BED AND I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE SAME PLACE, CREATING AN EFFECT SCIENTISTS REFER TO AS: MEGETTINGBLOWN." I'M ALSO FASCINATED BY ADRIEN BRODY'S NOSE. I COULD WATCH THAT THING TAKE UP HALF THE SCREEN IN ANY MOVIE AND BE AMUSED. THIS IS THE STORY OF THREE BROTHERS RE-UNITING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR AFTER THEIR FATHER'S FUNERAL. THE PLACE OF RECONCILIATION IS INDIA. HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE:

1. OWEN WILSON CALLING INDIAN KIDS ASSHOLES

2. NATALIE PORTMAN NAKED

3. INDIANS BEING INDIANS

4. NATALIE PORTMAN'S ASS. (SEE #3)

BOTTOM LINE IS THIS IS WES ANDERSON'S WORST MOVIE SO FAR BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BAD. IT'S JUST THAT HIS OTHERS ARE SO DAMN GOOD.

JESSE STONE: SEA CHANGE (TOM SELLECK;2007)

2008-04-01T09:36:00.003-11:00

IN 1989 WHEN MAGNUM P.I. WAS CANCELLED, WE ALL KNEW TOM SELLECK WAS UP TO SOMETHING BIG. FINALLY, WE KNOW WHAT IT WAS, THE JESSE STONE MADE FOR T.V. MOVIES. BECAUSE HIS CHARACTER, DETECTIVE STONE, WAS WRITTEN TO BE IN HIS 60'S, THE STUDIO REQUIRED SELLECK TO DISAPPEAR FOR 15 YEARS TO AGE APPROPRIATELY AND PREPARE FOR THIS ROLE. SURE, THEY LET HIM GALLIVANT AROUND THE SET OF QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER AND VARIOUS OTHER WESTERNS IN ORDER TO PAY THE BILLS, BUT FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, SELLECK WAS ORDERED NOT TO HAVE A "HIT." TRUE TO HIS WORD, HE NEVER EVEN CAME CLOSE. WAS IT WORTH IT?...I LIKE TO THINK SO. IN THIS MOVIE, SELLECK PLAYS AN ALCOHOLIC COP FROM L.A. WHO'S BASICALLY EXILED TO A SMALL TOWN IN MAINE FOR FUCKING UP ON THE JOB. OVERQUALIFIED, AND DRUNK AS SHIT, DETECTIVE STONE IMMEDIATELY BEGINS CLEANING UP WHAT SEEMED TO BE A CRIME-FREE TOWN. AS STONE, SELLECK MASTERS ONE-LINERS SUCH AS "FREEZE," "MORE COFFEE," AND "YES, I'M DRINKING." I WAS BLOWN AWAY. IN ALL SERIOSITY THOUGH, THESE MOVIES ARE ACTUALLY LIKE REALLY GOOD T.V. SHOWS. THERE'S FOUR OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND ONE IN PRODUCTION. THE FIRST IS STONE COLD. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT. -TMJ

THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER (JOHN TRAVOLTA, DEAD GIRL, GENERAL WITH BIG NOSE;1999)

2008-03-31T12:47:00.005-11:00

ACTOR. PRODUCER. PILOT. DANCER. PHILANTHROPIST. ABSURD HALF -NAKED CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL. THERE ISN'T MUCH JOHN TRAVOLTA CAN'T DO.....EXCEPT STOP THROWING AWAY HIS CAREER EVERY TIME HE RESURRECTS IT. IN THIS MOVIE JOHN ACQUIRES THE MOST RIDICULOUS SOUTHERN ACCENT I'VE EVER HEARD. IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HEAR THE DIALOGUE OVER MY OWN LAUGHTER. I FIGURED IT OUT THOUGH: A GIRL GETS GANG RAPED BY 12 SNIPERS AT WEST POINT. YAHOO. THE ARMY COVERS IT UP UNTIL KOTTER REMOVES THE SHEETS FROM THE ARMY'S DIRTY SECRET AND EXPOSES EVENTS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN EUROPEAN PORN. JAMES WOODS DECIDED TO SPRINKLE SOME OF HIS FAIRY DUST ON THIS THRILLER BY PLAYING HIMSELF IN A SOLDIER'S UNIFORM. AND BY "HIMSELF," I MEAN THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. I HATE JAMES WOODS.

21 (K-PAX, JIM STURGESS, AARON YOO, KATE BOSWORTH; 2008)

2008-03-29T14:33:00.004-11:00

YOU CAN THANK ME NOW. I REALLY DON'T ENJOY BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS KEVIN SPACEY. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUY THAT MAKES ME THINK HE WOULDN'T HESITATE TO SLIP ME A MICKEY IF I LEFT MY DRINK ON THE BAR. WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, HAPPENS TO BE HIS NAME IN THIS FILM. MICKEY, IS A FORMER CARD-COUNTING DEGENERATE GAMBLER, WHO SIDELINES AS A MATHEMATICS'S PROFESSOR AT M.I.T. WHEN HE'S NOT BOFFING FRESHMAN GIRLS IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET, OR PAYING STREET HOOKERS WITH 5$ CHIPS FROM THE BELLAGIO, MICKEY ASSEMBLES A TEAM OF M.I.T.'S BRIGHTEST TO "BREAK" VEGAS. THE TEAM CONSISTS OF FIVE STUDENTS. THREE OF WHOM ARE WORTH MENTIONING. THERE'S JIM STURGESS'S CHARACTER WHO IS THE BEST COUNTER AND INITIALLY, MOST RELUCTANT PARTICIPANT. HE LATER DISCOVERS HIS HESITATION TO FOLLOW MICKEY WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. THEN THERE'S KATE BOSWORTH'S MATH-ADDICT. THIS ONE'S RICH. SHE LOOKS LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO COULDN'T COUNT HER OWN TITS AFTER A DECADE AT ROLLINS COLLEGE. HOWEVER, IN HOLLYWOOD SHE'S AN M.I.T. MASTERMIND HIDING BIG BRAINS IN HER BREASTS. THEN THERE'S AARON YOO'S CHARACTER. SIMPLY THE BEST. HE REALLY PUTS THE FUNNY BACK IN "HEY LOOK AT THAT ASIAN KID." WHICH IS A GOOD THING, EVER SINCE CHOO: THAT GUNSLINGER AT VIRGINIA TECH WHO APPARENTLY, HAD ENOUGH OF HIS MATH CLASS. THE TWO OTHER KEY CAST MEMBERS SHOULD'VE BEEN BUDGET CUTS. THEY BROUGHT LESS TO TABLE THAN A HOMELESS MAN. YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATER. IF YOU LOVED THE BOOK, "BREAKING VEGAS," YOU SHOULD STILL WAIT FOR THE DVD.....I FORGOT TO MENTION, MORPHEUS, PLAYS A PIT BOSS IN 21. OBVIOUSLY LARRY FISHBOURNE IS TOP-NOTCH. HE'S REALLY BEEN TEARING UP THE SCREEN SINCE DEEP COVER.

SLEUTH (MICHAEL CAINE, JUDE LAW; 2007)

2008-03-27T08:46:00.003-11:00

MICHAEL CANE (MR. DESTINY, ON DEADLY GROUND) AND JUDE LAW (ALFIE, SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW) DECIDED TO DO GRAB LUNCH ONE DAY, AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. SLEUTH IS A TERRIBLE REMAKE REKINDLING THE STORY OF ANDREW WYKE AND MILO TINDLE. TWO MEN, SLEEPING WITH THE SAME WOMAN, WHO ENGAGE IN A DEADLY GAME OF "CAT & MOUSE" IN WYKE'S RIDICULOUS ENGLISH MANOR. I NEVER SAW THE ORIGINAL BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS QUITE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN IN 1972. HOWEVER, MOST PEOPLE IN '72 WERE TOASTING WITH 'LUDES SO THEY'RE OPINION IS ABOUT AS CREDIBLE AS THAT OF A STRAY CAT. THE FIRST HALF OF THIS FILM WAS ENTERTAINING AND ORIGINAL. THEN THE STRONG EROTIC UNDERTONES BETWEEN THE TWO MEN SURFACED. LEAVING THE AUDIENCE, ME, COMPLETELY BAFFLED AS TWO WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. I STOPPED TRUSTING MICHAEL CAINE AFTER JAWS IV, SO I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO RENT THIS. THE $342,835 DOLLARS SLEUTH ACCUMULATED AT THE BOX OFFICE MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANOTHER CLUE TELLING ME SOMETHING WENT VERY, VERY WRONG HERE. HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE NOT RENTED THIS AND NEVER WILL.

DEATH AT A FUNERAL (MATTHEW MACFADYEN, PETER DINKLAGE; 2007)

2008-03-26T09:05:00.005-11:00

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, MEET PETER DINKLAGE, THE MIDGET TO YOUR LEFT. PETER DOESN'T "DO" MAKE-UP BECAUSE HE'S ACTUALLY A MIDGET. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE MAY BE LITTLE, BUT HE'S A BIG MIRACLE FOR FILM GOERS. IN THIS MOVIE PETER IS NO SIDE-SHOW CAMEO. HIS CHARACTER, A GAY, SNEAKY, WEE-ONE, IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE CENTRAL FIGURES OF THE FILM. I REPEAT MYSELF, GAY. SNEAKY. MIDGET. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS AMAZING. I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD SINCE THE PREMIERE OF THE TWO COREYS. THE STORY FOCUSES ON EXPOSING A FAMILIES' SECRETS AT THE FAMILY'S PATRIARCH'S FUNERAL. IT ALSO FOCUSES ON A POWERFUL HALLUCINOGEN, WHICH IS MISTAKEN FOR VALIUM, AND ACCIDENTALLY CONSUMED BY MULTIPLE FAMILY MEMBERS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ENGLISH HAVE BEEN UP TO OVER THERE, BUT APPARENTLY THEY TURNED THEIR TEA INTO BOURBON AND REALLY DROPPED THEIR PARTY BALLS. THIS MOVIE IS HYSTERICAL BUT I'M STILL GLAD WE WON.

THE REAPING, (HILLARY SWANK, ANNASOPHIA ROBB;2007)

2008-03-24T13:16:00.006-11:00

NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS. PLEASE IGNORE THIS HIDEOUS ACCIDENT. JUST KEEP MOVING. THE NEXT OFFICER WILL DIRECT YOU TO A MOVIE THAT'S ACTUALLY WORTH $10......HILLARY SWANK, NO LONGER PLAYING MEN, HAS FINALLY PULLED HERSELF TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO RESEMBLE SOMETHING A MEMBER OF THE MALE POPULATION MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO IMPREGNATE. BEFORE CITIZEN-CANE 2 HERE, SHE WAS ONLY PURSUED BY

A. THINGS THAT WALKED ON 4 LEGS

B. THE PAPARRAZZI

C. HAMBURGER-GUZZLING DYKES

D. CHAD LOWE

E. ALL OF THE ABOVE

IN THE REAPING, SWANK PLAYS A PROFESSOR WHO DISPROVES "MIRACLES" THROUGH SCIENCE. IN THE SMALL TOWN OF "HAVEN." SHE FINALLY MEETS HER MATCH. IS IT REALLY A MIRACLE? OR A CULT IN OBESE MIDDLE-AMERICA? OOOOOOO. SCARY. I RECOMEND BURNING MONEY BEFORE RENTING THIS.

HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN (DON JOHNSON, MICKEY ROURKE, THE DANIEL BALDWIN; 1991)

2008-03-22T21:51:00.007-11:00

HOW GOOD IS THIS MOVIE?...CHOCOLATE SMACK GOOD. IN 1991 THE ECONOMY WAS FINE SEXY SILVER: SELL, SELL, SELL MY SPERM FOR STOCK IN STRATTON OAKMONT. THE HOOKERS WERE SOUTHERN WHITE GIRLS AT $150 or A GATOR-TAIL RAIL. THE WOMEN WERE A FINER SHINE OF CASH MONEY THAN THE BIGGEST FUCKING DIAMOND ANY SIDE OF AFRICA... AND AXL ROSE AND KURT KOBAIN WERE WERE TOPPING THE CHARTS SIMULTANEOUSLY. THEN CAME THE REAL MAGIC: HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN. THE FIRST, AND ONLY, MOVIE THAT INSPIRED ME TO JERK OFF AND BE SOMEBODY. THIS BADASS "INFINITY" OF A "NUMBER" MADE ME, NO WAIT, TAUGHT ME, HOW TO DRINK OL' GRAND DAD ON A 2-WHEELED MACHINE, SMOKE WHATEVER I GOT, ROB BANKS, AND FUCK-BANG ANY GIRL WEARING HEELS OVER 0.00001 INCHES. THAT INCLUDES SNEAKERS, BARE FEET, AND AMPUTEES. THIS MOVIE MADE 6,992,000 DOLLARS AT THE BOX OFFICE. I'M NOW WORTH 92,000 DOLLARS. I SAW IT THAT MANY TIMES (NOT INCLUDING VIDEO). IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS AT LEAST 15 TIMES YOU'RE LOSER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DUCT-TAPE WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY TO YOUR HEAD TO WEIGH IT DOWN AND HELP YOU BLOW YOURSELF.....THAT'S RIGHT. I JUST GOT BINGO, KID. -TMJ

FIREWALL (HARRISON FORD, PAUL BETTANY;2006)

2008-03-20T19:32:00.004-11:00

"O.K. HARRISON. IT'S JUST A SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL. NOW, AFTER WE LITE THE CAR ON FIRE, YOU'RE GONNA JUMP OUT AND SAY, 'IF YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD, WE DON'T LOOK GOOD.'" WHAT? YOU DON'T REMEMBER HARRISON FORD'S VIDAL SASSON COMMERCIAL? NEITHER DO I, BUT IT'S THE EXTRA BODY AND SHINE IN THAT SHAMPOO THAT KEPT HIM AFLOAT BETWEEN AIR FORCE ONE AND KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: DON'T FORECLOSE BEFORE IT'S OVER. WELL, THAT AND THIS SWEET RIDE. I'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA ABOUT THE CREATION OF FIREWALL. HARRISON AND THE DIRECTOR, RICHARD LONCRAINE, WERE GETTING CANNED IN TELLURIDE WHEN DICK SAYS, "INDY, BABE, I GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR YOUR BIG COMEBACK.... YOU SEE THAT POOCH OVER THERE TIED TO THE METER? I'LL GIVE YOU A CHECK FOR 20 MILLION DOLLARS IF YOU GO OVER AND SCREW IT. WE'LL CALL IT.....FIREWALL." THIS MOVIE STARS HARRISON FORD AS JACK STANFIELD. STANFIELD DOES NOT CARRY A WHIP. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. THIS SUCKED. HAPPY EASTER.

BLOOD DIAMOND (LEO DICAPRIO, DJIMON HOUNSOU, JENNIFER CONNELLY;2006)

2008-03-18T22:14:00.000-11:00

IN BETWEEN FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING BY BURNING FUEL ON HIS PRIVATE JET, LEONARDO DICAPRIO TACKLED THE TOPIC OF THE "LIMBS FOR DIAMONDS" TRADE IN THIS HYPOCRITICAL HOLLYWOOD SERMON. THIS FILM WAS SET IN THE EARLY 90'S AGAINST THE BACKDROP OF THE CIVIL WAR IN SIERRA LEONE. HOLLYWOOD, ONCE AGAIN SUPPORTED A IDEALISTIC CAUSE WHICH IT CAN ONLY JUSTIFY THROUGH RELATIVE CHARITY DONATIONS. FOR EXAMPLE, TO THE AVERAGE WORKER, THAT MEANS, YOU DONATE AN M&M TO OPRAH'S SCHOOL WITH EVERY 110$ YOU EARN AND HOPE A CHOCOLATE "V" CURES AIDS OUTSIDE CAPETOWN. DICAPRIO'S CHARACTER, MERCENARY DANNY ARCHER, IRONICALLY TARGETS A RARE PINK DIAMOND AS HIS BULLS-EYE OUT OF A LIFE HE CONSIDERS HELL. UNFORTUNATELY, AS WELL AS DICAPRIO PLAYS HIS CHARACTER, HIS LOOKS AND CHARM ONLY WORK FOR THE BEGINNING AND END OF THE FILM. HOWEVER, HIS CHARACTER FAILED TO CONVINCE ME THAT HE TRANSFORMED FROM A MAN THAT WOULD'VE PUT THE BULLET IN OLD YELLER'S HEAD, INTO A MAN WILLING TO DIE FOR A DIAMOND DIGGING SLAVE WHO'S SON WAS KIDNAPPED BY REBELS. ASIDE FROM THAT THE MOVIE'S STILL A REAL HOOT.

DOOMSDAY, (RHONA MITRA, BOB HOSKINS, ALEXANDER SIDDIG; 2008)

2008-03-18T08:18:00.000-11:00

UNABLE TO FIND A PRODUCTION PHOTO FROM THE FILM, I DECIDED TO POST A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK DRIVING DOWN THE 405 FREEWAY DURING RUSH HOUR.....I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAW THIS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FORGET THIS MOVIE FOR THE PAST 24 HOURS. BOB HOSKINS MUST BE LETTING A BOWL OF CHEERIOS CHOOSE HIS ROLES, BECAUSE AT ONE POINT, THAT POOR BASTARD WAS A REAL ACTOR. DOOMSDAY IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU REMAKE THE ROAD WARRIOR WITHOUT MEL GIBSON. WHO, COINCIDENTALLY, WAS PREPPING FOR A SEQUEL ABOUT A YEAR AGO WHEN HE WAS GOING 80MPH DOWN PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY, WHILE SCREAMING AT JEWS AND BUCKLING A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. THAT WAS FINEST EXAMPLE OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'VE EVER HEARD. IN THIS WRECK, SCOTLAND IS QUARANTINED AFTER A BREAKOUT OF THE "REAPER" VIRUS. EVERYONE IN GLASGOW AND SURROUNDING AREAS IS LEFT TO DIE. MUCH LIKE THE BRONX. HOWEVER, SOME PEOPLE WERE IMMUNE. THESE PEOPLE DIVIDED INTO TWO GROUPS: THE INNER-CITY CANNIBALS AND THOSE WHO MOVED INTO CASTLES IN THE HILLS. THE CASTLE PEOPLE LITERALLY REPLICATE MEDIEVAL SOCIETY. IT'S HYSTERICAL. THE CANNIBALS REPLICATE THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN IN THE MID-80'S. ONCE THE GOVERNMENT REALIZES PEOPLE SURVIVED, THEY SEND A TEAM OF BAD-ASSES INTO SCOTLAND TO OBTAIN A CURE. THE LEADER OF THIS TEAM IS A ONE-EYED MODEL. ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I CAN'T GO ON. THIS MOVIE WAS AWFUL. SEE IT ONLY FOR A GOOD LAUGH AT WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN MAKING A FILM.

THE BANK JOB (JASON STATHAM, SAFFRON BURROWS; 2008)

2008-03-17T04:28:00.000-11:00

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SET OF THE TRANSPORTER 2: DEPORTATION, BUT APPARENTLY SOMEONE SNUCK INTO JASON STATHAM’S TRAILER AND GAVE HIM ACTING LESSONS. HOWEVER, GOOD ACTING DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR A BAD SCRIPT, UNLESS OF COURSE, IT’S GIGLI. LUCKILY, THIS SAME ACTING COACH TAUGHT JASON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD SCRIPT AND A BAD SCRIPT. AS IN, SNATCH: GOOD, CRANK: BAD. PRETTY SIMPLE STUFF FOR THE LAYMAN TO GRASP BUT NOT FOR THE WILDLY CREATIVE MINDS OF BRILLIANT ACTORS SUCH AS JASON STATHAM. IN THIS SURPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING FILM, STATHAM ORGANIZES A GROUP OF PETTY THIEVES TO PULL OFF THEIR FIRST MAJOR HEIST. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ROB 300 SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES WHICH CONTAIN DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PHOTOS OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND DOCUMENTED PAYMENTS TO CORRUPT COPS. AFTER RECOGNIZING THAT EVERYONE ON EVERY SIDE OF THE LAW IS QUICKLY TRYING TO KILL THEM, THE GROUP MUST DRASTICALLY CHANGE THEIR INITIAL ESCAPE PLAN. I RECOMMEND MAKING THIS THE NEXT FILM YOU SEE.

PERFUME: A STORY OF MURDER (DUSTIN HOFFMAN, HANS GRUBER, BEN WISHAW, SMELLY GIRLS; 2006)

2008-03-14T10:34:00.000-11:00

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I’VE SEEN SINCE 1985’S OUT OF AFRICA. THIS ROMP STARS THE REAL "HOFF" AS A 17TH CENTURY PERFUMIST. LIKE THE MOVIE JERK, HE’S GOT A REAL NOSE FOR ADVENTURE. THE STORY FOCUSES ON A GHETTO CHILD WHO’S BEEN SNEAKING UP ON CHICKS IN BACK ALLEYS AND SMELLING THEM. LITERALLY, HE SNEAKS UP, QUIET AS LARYNGITIS, AND SNIFFS THEIR NECKS, FOR STARTERS. NOW, ACCORDING TO HISTORY, THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL 17TH CENTURY BEHAVIOR. WE FORGET HOW WE USED TO ENTERTAIN OURSELVES BEFORE SEINFELD. SOME OF US PLAYED "WHO CAN HOLD THEIR BALLS OVER A CANDLE LONGER," SOME OF US WOULD JOUST, AND SOME WOULD SMELL OTHER INDIVIDUALS ON DARK CITY STREETS. THE PROBLEM IS, OUR PROTAGONIST, JEAN-BAPTISTE, TAKES HIS NASAL ASSAULTS TOO FAR, AND SOME OF THESE STINKY BROADS END UP DEAD. HOWEVER, THERE’S ONE VICTIM, WHO’S SMELL INFATUATES JEAN-BAPTISTE. HE TRIES TO RECAPTURE HER SCENT IN A PERFUME WITH THE HELP OF HIS NEWLY ACQUIRED "MASTER," PLAYED BY THE "HOFF 1." THE MOVIE IS WORTH RENTING IF YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING STRANGER THAN TOM CRUISE. IT’S SLOW AND LONG (2HR 35MIN) BUT DEFINITELY ORIGINAL. THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAD WITH PERFUME, IS THAT I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE REALLY SMELLED IN 17TH CENTURY FRANCE. I IMAGINE THEY SMELLED SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TO THE WAY THEY DO TODAY. WHICH IS AN ALARMING SCENT, BARING A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO A MIXTURE OF GOAT CHEESE, CANTALOUPE, AND RHINO SHIT.

THE DEPARTED (JACK, LEONARDO DICAPRIO, BENAMON, MARK WAHLBERG; 2006)

2008-03-12T20:29:00.000-11:00

"....SO GET THIS MARTY, I SEZ TO HER, 'YEAH, I WAS NAKED IN THE POOL SCENE ON THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK.' 'THAT IS IF YOU CALL GETTIN' UNDER WATER HEAD, NAKED.' 'MAN..FUCK ME..I'VE WORN MORE MOUTHS THAN PANTS.' 'HAHAHA.' 'SO WHERE'S THE RAPPER AND THAT KID WHO STOLE MY OSCAR IN '98?'" I LIKE TO MAKE FUN OF NICHOLSON BECAUSE HE GETS SO MUCH ASS, HE ACTUALLY NAILED A SPITZER. HOWEVER, IT WAS THE 70'S AND BEATTY WAS MATCH-MAKING PURE-BREDS FASTER THAN DAVID LEE ROTH BOUGHT ASSLESS CHAPS. IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO MAKE FUN OF MINORITIES IN THE LITERAL SENSE OF THE WORD. FOR EXAMPLE, I DUMPED OFF A BUCKET OF MY OWN SHIT LAST WEEK AT THE LOS ANGELES HOUSE OF ENVIRONMENTALISM. I FIGURED THOSE FUCKERS WERE RUNNING LOW ON GAS AND PROTEIN. I FELT IT WAS ONLY RIGHT TO THROW THEM A TURD MADE OF WHISKEY, DIESEL, BROCCOLI, BLOW, AND REALITY. I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE SEEN THIS MASTERPIECE. IF NOT, YOU'RE TWICE THE IDIOT.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME (CHRISTIAN SLATER, SAMANTHA MATHIS, DIVINITY; 1990)

2008-03-12T08:02:00.000-11:00

IN THE SUMMER OF 1990 SOMETHING AMAZINGLY SWEET HAPPENED. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER READING ABOUT THIS EVENT IN THE NEWS. TWO ESKIMO PEOPLE WERE FISHING OFF A HIGH RURAL BLUFF NEAR LEMINGTON, ONTARIO, WHEN THEY SPOTTED WHAT APPEARED TO BE TWO MEN WALKING ON WATER ACROSS LAKE EERIE. WHEN THEIR STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS COMPLETELY FABRICATED; SEEING AS HOW IT WAS A POOR FISHING SEASON AND THESE ESKIMOS NEEDED THE FUNDS. THOSE WHO BELIEVED THE INUITS, HOWEVER, BELIEVED THEY’D SEEN TWO JESUSES, OR PERHAPS TWO RESTLESS SPIRITS OF THE ANCIENT HURON OR IROQUOIS TRIBE. (TWO WARRING FACTIONS OF INDIANS WHO HAD RUTHLESSLY BATTLED EACH OTHER OFF THE SOUTHERN COAST OF LAKE EERIE HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO). I’M HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT IT WAS NEITHER MULTIPLE JESI, NOR NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRITS, BUT NONE OTHER THAN CHRISTIAN SLATER AND RAY LIOTTA. TODAY, WE KNOW FROM SCIENTIFIC DNA RESEARCH FROM CSI: MIAMI, THAT THE HEAVENS HAD BESTOWED THE GIFT OF "WATER-WALKING" UPON THESE TWO ACTORS FOR THE CONTRIBUTIONS THEY MADE TO AMERICAN CINEMA IN 1990. RAY LIOTTA WITH GOODFELLAS, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, CHRISTIAN SLATER WITH PUMP UP THE VOLUME. HOWEVER, THEIR "GIFT" WAS BITTERSWEET. THE CATCH WAS THAT, AFTER THEY WALKED ON WATER, EACH ACTOR COULD ONLY CHOSE ONE MORE ROLE FOR THE WORLD TO REMEMBER THEM BY. SLATER, WITH THE LORD’S BLESSING, CHOSE TRUE ROMANCE. LIOTTA, SHORTLY BEFORE GOING TO HELL, CHOSE TURBULENCE. NEITHER HAS EVER BEEN HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU NEVER SAW PUMP UP THE VOLUME, YOU WERE NEVER AS COOL AS YOU THINK.

RICOCHET (DENZEL WASHINGTON, JOHN LITHGOW, ICED-T;1991)

2008-03-11T08:47:00.000-11:00

BEFORE TRAINING DAY. BEFORE THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN. BEFORE DÉJÀ VU….AFTER GLORY AND TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. THERE WAS RICOCHET. WHEN THIS MOVIE REEL OF ACTION-DRAMA-MADNESS WAS RELEASED IN THE FALL OF 1991 IT PERMEATED THE AMERICAN PSYCHE FASTER THAN THE CRACK EPIDEMIC. THE NEW YORK TIMES APPROPRIATELY REFERRED TO RICOCHET AS, "THE BLACK DIE HARD." THE TIMES ALSO WROTE, "DENZEL WASHINGTON IS PROBABLY LIMITED TO HAVING SEX WITH ONLY HIMSELF BECAUSE HE’S THAT HOT RIGHT NOW." THE TIMES THEN COMMENTED ON JOHN LITHGOW’S PERFORMANCE WITH, "LITHGOW GETS INSIDE THE MIND OF A SOCIOPATHIC KILLER LIKE A BANANA GETS INSIDE ITS PEEL: IT’S JUST BORN THAT WAY." SHORTLY AFTER SEEING RICOCHET, THE SENIOR EDITOR FOR THE WASHINGTON POST, LEX NICKELS, WAS QUOTED SAYING, "I’D RATHER SEE THAT MOVIE AGAIN THAN GET BLOWN." …..IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THE STORY, RICOCHET, FOLLOWS NICK STYLES, A RISING LAWYER FROM THE STREETS WHO WAS SHOT TO STARDOM WITH ONE BIG ARREST. UNFORTUNATELY, HE ARRESTED AN OBSESSIVE PSYCHOPATH WHO CONTINUES TO LIVE FOR ONE REASON: TO MAKE STYLES SUFFER. I SAW THIS FILM IN THEATRES AND RENTED IT AGAIN LAST NIGHT. IT’S SOMETHING SPECIAL. IT’S ALSO HYSTERICAL WHEN IT’S REALLY NOT TRYING TO BE. DROP THIS BOMB IN YOUR QUEUE FOR OLD TIMES SAKE, AND FOR ICED-T.

AWAKE (HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, JESSICA ALBA; 2007)

2008-03-10T07:18:00.000-11:00

THE ONLY WAY THIS MOVIE COULD BE ANY WORSE IS IF YOU COULD TASTE IT. WHICH WOULD BE HORRIBLE. BECAUSE THIS MOVIE’S A PIECE OF SHIT. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN SHOULD BE WORKING AT TACO BELL, NOT MAKING FEATURE FILMS. I’VE SEEN MY COLLIE GIVE BETTER PERFORMANCES FOR BISCUITS THEN THIS GUY DOES AS AN "ACTOR." THIS STORY FOCUSES ON A RICH KID WITH A BAD HEART. WHICH GETS CONFUSING. IN ONE SCENE HIS HEART ACTS UP WHEN HE DESCENDS A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. YET, IN THE NEXT SCENE HE’S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF SEXING UP JESSICA ALBA’S DARK ANGEL. APPARENTLY, THE HEART AND PENIS ARE COMPLETELY SINGULAR ENTITIES. ONE HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER. WHICH IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL WOMEN FOR YEARS. LEAVE IT TO HAYDEN TO STEAL MY THUNDER. BASTARD. ANYWAY, HAYDEN’S CHARACTER IS SCHEDULED TO HAVE A HEART TRANSPLANT. WHILE UNDER THE KNIFE HIS ANESTHETIC FAILS. LEAVING HIM TO OVERHEAR HIS SURGEONS’ PLANS TO KILL HIM AND STEAL HIS FORTUNE. I FOUND IT EXTRAORDINARY THAT THIS KID WAS ABLE TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTORS’ DIABOLIC SCHEME WHILE THEY LITERALLY RIP HIS CHEST OPEN. ABSURD. THE ENDING IS THE WORST PART OF THE FILM. IT WAS LIKE BEING FINISHED OFF WITH A KICK IN THE NUTS AFTER GETTING SHIT-BEAT. IF YOU STUPIDLY RENT THIS, BE SURE NOT TO STAY AWAKE.......BOO YA! SHAZAM!

10,000 B.C. (STEVEN STRAIT, CARNILLA BELLE, CLIFF CURTIS; 2008)

2008-03-08T19:41:00.000-11:00

TO YOUR LEFT YOU'LL SEE THE STAR OF THIS EPIC: THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH. TURNS OUT, THIS TUSKED ACTOR IS ACTUALLY JACK NICHOLSON IN A BODY WIG. THE STUDIO OFFERED A FAT SUIT, BUT, IN TRUE BRANDO FASHION, JACK APPEARED ON THE SET 8 TONS OVER ANY ELEVATOR'S MAXIMUM CAPACITY. NICHOLSON THEN PROCEEDED TO PERFECT HIS CRAFT BY MASTURBATING IN THE SET'S PORTO-POTTY, UNAWARE THAT HIS MICROPHONE WAS STILL ON. APPARENTLY, ALL THE CAST OVERHEARD WAS, "C'MON LITTLE BUDDY, NOBODY REMEMBERS THE TWO JAKES." THIS COMMENT WAS FOLLOWED BY A "JOKER'S" CACKLE AND A GRUNT OF RELIEF. EXPECT A PAGAN ELEPHANT AT THE 2008 OSCARS. O.K. THEN.... 10,000 B.C. IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HOLLYWOOD FUCKS UP LEGENDS OF THE FALL, LAST OF THE MOHICANS, AND/OR BRAVEHEART. AT ITS BASE, THIS FILM IS A LOVE STORY THAT COULD'VE HAD MORE MEANING IF IT TOOK PLACE IN 2,000 A.D. IN AN EXXON BATHROOM. AT ITS ZENITH, THIS MOVIE IS A SLAVE REVOLT IN AN EGYPT UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, THE FINAL BATTLE, TAKES PLACE AT "THE END OF THE WORLD." HOWEVER, IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ANYONE WITH A 3RD GRADE EDUCATION, TO NOT MAKE COMPARISONS BETWEEN "THE END OF THE WORLD," AND COCK-SMOKING, SLAVE-DRIVING, FUCKHEAD PHARAOHS, WHO HAD A KNACK FOR MATH AND AN OBSESSION WITH 3-D TRIANGLES. THE MOST HYSTERICAL SCENE WAS WITNESSING THE ENEMIES' GOD. I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS MR. BELVEDERE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THIS LAUGH, DO IT IN THEATRES. IT'S SCENIC. IF YOU PLAN TO RENT IT, I RECOMMEND SQUIRTING LEMON JUICE IN YOUR EYES.....BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A REAL "GOOD TIME." -TMJ

DEAD SILENCE (AMBER VALLETTA, RYAN KWANTEN, DONNIE WAHLBERG;2007)

2008-03-07T04:50:00.000-11:00

DONNIE WAHLBERG APPROACHES LIFE WITH THE SUBTLETY OF A FREIGHT TRAIN. AFTER PROVING HIMSELF AS AN ENTERTAINING PHENOMENON IN NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, DONNIE DECIDED TO SET SAIL IN THE SEA OF ACTING. I BELIEVE WITH DEAD SILENCE, MR. WAHLBERG HAS FINALLY FOUND HIS WHITE WHALE. I HEARD HE'S SO DEDICATED TO HIS CRAFT THAT HE REFUSES TO USE A PERSON FOR A STUNT DOUBLE. TRUE TO HIS AUDIENCE AND CRITICS, WAHLBERG INSISTS HIS STUNT DOUBLE ALWAYS BE A SOCK PUPPET. HE CLAIMS NO MAN CAN CAPTURE THE EMOTION HE EXPRESSES ON SCREEN BETTER THAN SOME CLOTH AND A SHARPIE. THAT'S THE TYPE OF CONFIDENCE HOLLYWOOD CAN'T TAKE FROM YOU. NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE YOU'RE CAST IN. DEAD SILENCE IS THE STORY OF MARY SHAW, A CHILD MURDERER, AND PUPPETEER, WHO WAS BRUTALLY KILLED BY THE LOCAL RESIDENTS OF THE TOWN, RAVENS FAIR. AFTER HER MURDER, HER PUPPETS HAUNT RAVEN'S FAIR FOR MANY YEARS. USUALLY, I'D WARN THAT THIS TYPE OF FILM IS ABOUT AS ENTERTAINING AS URINATING. HOWEVER, WITH WAHLBERG'S ON SCREEN PROWESS, I'D SAY IT'S UP THERE WITH TAKING A DUMP. ALRIGHTY THEN, STAY TUNED FOR THE MOVIE JERK'S REVIEW OF 10,000 B.C. ARRIVING TOMORROW AT SOME POINT! -TMJ

DEFINETLY, MAYBE (RYAN REYNOLDS, ABIGAIL BRESLIN, SLUTES;2008)

2008-03-06T04:09:00.000-11:00

SORRY I'M LATE. I SNEAKILY TURNED ON MY CELLULAR TELEPHONE MID-FLIGHT CAUSING THE PLANE TO IMMEDIATELY PLUMMET INTO IDAHO. HOME OF THE LARGEST POTATO. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE PEOPLE DO. THERE ARE FEW THINGS MORE SATISFYING THAN STOMPING ONE'S ALCOHOL INDUCED DIARRHEA DOWN A STRANGER'S BATHTUB DRAIN. DON'T YOU LOOK AWAY. YOU'VE BEEN THERE. ONE THING THAT NEVER LOSES IT'S APPEAL HOWEVER, IS WATCHING OTHERS' DREAMS GET SHATTERED IN THE BIG APPLE. IN THIS ROMANTIC COMEDY RYAN REYNOLD'S TELLS HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT THE MULTIPLE PARTNERS HE HAD IN NEW YORK. REYNOLDS USES FICTITIOUS NAMES FOR EACH WOMAN. LEAVING HIS DAUGHTER TO GUESS WHICH ONE BECAME HER MOTHER. BASICALLY, THE PLOT DISGUISES HORRIBLE PARENTING WITH A CUTE STORY. WHY ANY FATHER WOULD GO THROUGH HIS LIST OF HO'S WITH HIS DAUGHTER IS BEYOND ME. FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS HER PRIMARY COPING MECHANISMS ARE GOING TO BE A BOTTLE OF GIN AND HUMPING ANYTHING THAT MILDLY RESEMBLES A PENIS. HOWEVER, FOR THE AUDIENCE, THIS LIST OF FAILED RELATIONSHIPS TURNS INTO QUITE A HUMOROUS STORY. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT'S REINFORCED BY VAN WILDER'S SKILLFUL COMIC DELIVERY. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND, DAUGHTER, FREQUENT PROSTITUTE, OR ANY OTHER WOMAN DRAGS YOU TO THIS FILM, DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT. THERE ARE FAR WORSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES OUT THERE. MOST OF WHICH STAR HUGH GRANT.

CAPOTE (PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, CATHERINE KEENER; 2005)

2008-03-04T04:40:00.000-11:00

THERE'S NO ARGUMENT THAT THE ACTING IN THIS FILM ISN'T ANYTHING SHY OF ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. THIS MOVIE WAS ALSO FASCINATING BECAUSE IT INFORMS THE VIEWER OF THOSE LITTLE DETAILS WHICH WERE OVERLOOKED BY OUR ENGLISH TEACHERS. FOR EXAMPLE, I NEVER KNEW THAT TRUMAN CAPOTE TRUMPED RICHARD SIMMONS AS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS HOMOSEXUAL TO EVER WALK THE PLANET....AND IT TURNS OUT HARPER LEE WAS A WOMAN. UGLY AS SHIT RUN OVER TWICE, BUT A WOMAN NONETHELESS. I WOULD'VE NEVER GUESSED THAT A LADY WHO COULDN'T SEDUCE A POGO-STICK COULD'VE SO WELL CAPTURED RACISM AND, NAMELY, GENDER ROLES IN THE DEEP SOUTH (SEE TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD). ANYWAY, WITH MY ABSURDLY OPEN-MINDED VIEWS ASIDE, THIS FILM IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING, NEW CLASSIC, AND WORTH RENTING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT ALREADY. HOWEVER, IF YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH HOFFMAN REIGN AS A SLOVENLY FORMER CHILD STAR IN ALONG CAME POLLY, I RECOMMEND INCUDING THAT IN YOUR QUEUE AS WELL. VERY DIFFERENT, YET STILL, A HEART-WRENCHING PORTRAYAL OF ANOTHER HORRIBLY FLAWED CHARACTER. -TMJ

BEOWULF (ANGELINA JOLIE, RAY WINSTONE;2007)

2008-03-02T13:54:00.000-11:00

THIS IS THE STORY OF BEOWULF WITH A "U." B-WULF WAS A FIERCE WARRIOR WHO WAS GIVEN HIS KINGSHIP AFTER HE SLAYED A "GRENDEL" AND HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A WITCH WHO LIVED IN A CAVE.... UNLIKE THE MOVIE JERK, WHO KILLED A "HANDLE" AND HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A BITCH WHO LIVED IN A STUDIO. THE WITCH LADY, PLAYED BY ANGELINA "BATSHIT CRAZY" JOLIE, COULDN'T GET TO THE CLINIC IN TIME, AND BIRTHED A MONSTER WHO CAN TURN INTO A DRAGON. PRETTY STANDARD FOR A BASTARD CHILD WITHOUT ANY FATHER-FIGURE. ANYWAY, THIS EVENTUALLY LEADS TO A SERIOUS FATHER / SON CONFRONTATION. I'LL STOP THERE TO SAVE THE ENDING. THE MOVIE JERK WAS SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED WITH THIS LITTLE NUMBER. THE LAST TIME ANIMATION GAVE ME AN ERECTION I WAS WATCHING WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? SO, NICE JOB JOLIE, YOU'RE "ACTING" HAS AROUSED THE AUDIENCE ONCE AGAIN. FOR ALL THE HISTORY MAJORS OUT THERE, I BELIEVE SCREENWRITER ROGER GAMAN CUT OUT A FARE AMOUNT OF THE ORIGINAL EPIC TALE. FORTUNATELY, BY THE TIME I'M 50, THEY'LL HAVE TURNED THE ODYSSEY INTO A POP-UP BOOK. WHICH MEANS I'LL FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THOSE ENGLISH PROFESSORS WERE SO EXCITED ABOUT. BEOWULF IS WORTH THE RENT. - TMJ

SEMI-PRO (WILL FERRELL, WOODY HARRELSON, THE TALENTED MEMBER OF OUTCAST;2008)

2008-02-29T05:54:00.000-11:00

I RESPECT THE FACT THAT WILL FERRELL KNOWS HE'S GOT A WINNING FORMULA AND SHOWS NO SIGNS OF BRANCHING OUT. HE GAVE DRAMA A CHANCE WITH WINTER PASSING AND QUICKLY REALIZED HOUSES DON'T PAY FOR THEMSELVES. I EXPERIENCED A SIMILAR SITUATION ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I REALIZED COCAINE DOESN'T PAY FOR ITSELF EITHER. HOWEVER, VIA THE BARTER SYSTEM, HOUSES CAN PAY FOR COCAINE. MY REVELATION CAME WITH AN ADDITIONAL COMFORT, THAT BEING, REAL ESTATE BROKERS DON'T POINT LOADED GUNS AT YOUR FACE. SINCE THEN, I'VE FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY TWICE WITH A SHINING GRIN, AND BEGAN TRADING RENTAL CARS FOR 8 BALLS. THE LATTER BEING MY SPECIAL "FUCK YOU" TO ALLSTATE CAR INSURANCE FOR ASSASSINATING PRESIDENT PALMER. (24 FANS MAY LEAVE THEIR THANKS IN THE COMMENT BOX). I'VE PONTIFICATED ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE ANY VIEWER WHO CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE PLOT OF THIS FILM SHOULD BE,

A. A CHIMPANZEE

B. A BLENDER

C. A COMBINATION OF A + B & GREEN

D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

IT'S ALL RIGHT JOHNNY. I FAILED THE S.A.T.Z BY REFUSING TO ACCEPT THE 200 POINTS FOR FILLING OUT YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME. I put "X's" INSTEAD OF "FILLING" IN THOSE BUBBLES....AND I "Xed" THE MOVIE JERK. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'M WORTH 9 DOLLARS IN CHANGE, I CRY IN MY SLEEP, AND THE LAST GIRL THAT BLEW ME WAS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER. ANYWAY, IF YOU LIKE WILL FERRELL'S COMEDIES, YOU'LL LOVE THIS. IF YOU DON'T, SAVE YOUR MONEY. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. -TMJ

THE WICKERMAN (NICOLAS CAGE, ELLEN BURSTYN;2006)

2008-02-28T07:57:00.000-11:00

THE STUDIO COULD'VE HIRED MR. PEANUT TO PLAY THIS ROLE AND I GUARANTEE THE CRITICS WOULD'VE GIVEN THIS FILM BETTER REVIEWS. I'M CONVINCED NICK CAGE WOULD BE THE SPOKESMAN FOR TAMPAX IF SOMEONE WROTE HIM A LARGE ENOUGH CHECK...."HI, I'M NICK CAGE. IN THE 25 YEARS SINCE I MADE VALLEY GIRL I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE INCONSISTENCIES OF HOLLYWOOD. HOWEVER, ONE CONSTANT I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON IS MY HEAVY FLOW. WHICH IS WHY I TRUST TAMPAX: THE FRESHER, BETTER PAD...." WHAT AN ASSHOLE. THE LAST TIME CAGE MADE ANYTHING WORTH WATCHING, ED HARRIS STILL THOUGHT HE HAD A SHOT AS A LEADING MAN. IN THIS GOD-AWFUL REMAKE, CAGE STARS AS A HIGHWAY PATROL OFFICER WHO LOOKS LIKE THE MISSING THIRD PARTNER FROM CHIPS. HIS CHARACTER IS INVESTIGATING A GIRL WHO MYSTERIOUSLY DISSAPEARED ON HIS HIGHWAY BEAT. THE INVESTIGATION BRINGS HIM TO A REMOTE VILLAGE INHABITED BY UNATTRACTIVE PAGANS. HOW THEY CONTINUED TO REPRODUCE AMONGST THEMSELVES WAS BEYOND ME. ANYWAY, BIG SHOCK!, THEY KIDNAP AND SACRIFICE KIDS AND NOSY COPS....IF ONLY LIFE HAD IMITATED ART IN THIS PARTICULAR SCENARIO, WE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO NATIONAL TREASURE 2: YO FUCK THE GOV'MENT. DO NOT RENT WICKERMAN '06, BE SURE TO PICK UP THE ORIGINAL FROM 1973. -T.M.J.

LADY IN THE WATER (PAUL GIAMATTI, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, FREDDY RODRIGUEZ;2006)

2008-02-27T08:34:00.000-11:00

BEFORE M. NIGHT SHAMALAN'S THE HAPPENING (NO IT'S NOT A B.E.T. SITCOM) HITS THEATRES, I WANT YOU FORGET THE SIXTH SENSE AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT HAS M. DONE IN THE PAST 8 YEARS THAT I'VE ENJOYED?" YOUR ANSWER SHOULD BE, "OH YEAH! THAT AMERICAN EXPRESS COMMERCIAL STARRING HIMSELF AND ALL THE SHITTY CHARACTERS HE'S CREATED." AND YOU WOULD BE CORRECT. HOWEVER, THERE ARE A FEW AMAZING ELEMENTS IN THIS PARTICULAR ACHIEVEMENT. THE FIRST IS THAT SOMEONE IN HOLLYWOOD ACTUALLY THINKS PAUL GIAMATTI CAN HOLD A MOVIE, AND THAT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WANTS TO PAY TO LOOK AT HIS FACE. THE SECOND IS THAT RON HOWARD MANAGED TO CREATE SOMETHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN APOLLO 13, THAT BEING BRYCE HOWARD. HOWEVER, I THINK SHE MIGHT'VE BEEN MOLESTED BECAUSE SHE BARES AN EERILY SIMILAR RESEMBLANCE TO DARYL HANNAH IN RON HOWARD'S SPLASH....AND WE ALL KNOW THAT MERMAID WAS DIRECTLY CREATED FROM RON'S SEXUAL FANTASIES. THE THIRD IS THAT FREDDY RODRIGUEZ CAN FIND WORK. IN CASE YOU FORGOT THE PREMISE, THIS FILM IS ABOUT A FAIRY TALE CREATURE, CALLED A "NARF," WHO'S STUCK IN OUR WORLD. MOST OF THE FILM FOCUSES ON THE WOLF-LIKE PREDATORS TRYING TO PREVENT THIS "NARF" FROM RETURNING TO HER FANTASY LAND. WHAT THE FILM SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON IS WHETHER OR NOT THESE "NARFS" HAVE THE APPROPRIATE GENITALIA FOR INTERCOURSE. 'CAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN SAVING SOMETHING YOU CAN'T FUCK.... FAIRY TALES AND DIAPERS ARE FOR BABIES AND THE ELDERLY. LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY M.. PLEASE STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF. -THE MOVIE JERK.

I COULD NEVER BE YOUR WOMAN (MICHELLE PFEIFFER, PAUL RUDD;2007)

2008-02-26T08:30:00.000-11:00

YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU JUST GIVE UP. FOR THE MOVIE JERK IT'S ABOUT HALF THE YEAR. THAT HALF BEGAN YESTERDAY WHEN THE MOVIE JERK RENTED THIS. THIS IS BASICALLY A POOR REMAKE OF THE FILM PRIME STARRING UMA THURMAN. IT'S A ROMANTIC COMEDY STARRING TWO ACTORS WHO HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAT DAY. THE PLOT REVOLVES AROUND THE OFTEN HUMOROUS ISSUES THAT ACCOMPANY AN OLDER WOMAN RECAPTURING HER YOUTH WITH A YOUNGER MAN. I CAN ONLY HOPE EVERY WOMAN DEDUCED THE SAME MESSAGE I GOT FROM THIS MOVIE....IF YOU LOOK LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER NO GUY WILL GIVE FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR AGE. 46? GET IN THE BED. 35? PUT THE SEAT BACK. 17? ONLY WITH YOUR PARENTS' CONSENT AFTER THE FACT. OCCASIONALLY, THE MOVIE JERK ACTUALLY LIKES THESE FILMS. I PRETTY MUCH ENJOY LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ANY MAN, WHETHER IN LIFE OR ON SCREEN, WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO RUFFEE HIS DATES TO GET LAID. I THINK IT'S AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY. PLUS THAT SHIT'S ILLEGAL AND EXPENSIVE. I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE A SWEET TOOTH FOR G.H.B. MYSELF, WHICH CAN QUICKLY TURN ANY NIGHT OUT INTO A TORNADO OF REGRET, POLICE, AND DEBT. IF YOU ENJOY FLUFFY COMEDIES AND SEEING PEOPLE HAVE SEX WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF THE LAW, RENT THIS CHARMER.

STEP UP 2: THE STREETS (BRIANA EVIGAN, ADAM G. SEVANI;2008)

2008-02-25T09:45:00.000-11:00

THIS IS AN ACCIDENTAL COMEDY ABOUT OVERCOMING SOCIETAL BOUNDRIES THROUGH THE MAGIC OF DANCE. BY "DANCE" I MEAN GIRATING LIKE A HOMELESS MAN ON PCP IN 1986....."YO, MUTHERFUCKA! WHAT!? YOU WATCH MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MOVES AND AIN'T PUT NO MONEY IN MY CUP? FUCK YOU BITCH-ASS WHITE BOY." IT'S THOSE POSITIVE MEMORIES I HAVE OF NEW YORK THAT MADE IT SO HARD TO LEAVE. AS SEEN IN STEP UP 2, DANCE REALLY CAN CONQUER ALL. DANCING WAS ACTUALLY INVENTED MANY CENTURIES AGO WHEN PEOPLE FORGOT HOW TO SPEAK AND NEEDED TO "BREAK THE ICE" IN ORDER TO HAVE SEX. IT SINGLE-HANDEDLY SAVED THE HUMAN RACE. DANCE CAN ALSO WORK AGAINST THE SYSTEM. WHY JUST RECENTLY IT WAS THE SOLE REASON MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AQUITTED ON TEN COUNTS OF PEDOPHILIA. WITHOUT THRILLER, HE WOULD DEFINETLY BE IN JAIL. I'LL STOP NOW. THERE'S JUST NO WAY THE MOVIE JERK CAN COMMUNICATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS FILM BETTER THAN TH FILM'S TAGLINE ITSELF: "IT'S NOT WHERE YOU'RE FROM, IT'S WHERE YOU'RE AT." PURE FUCKING GENIUS. REMEMBER KIDS, JOE CAMEL SAYS,"ALWAYS END YOUR SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS (*WHAT A SQUIRREL CAN DO TO A TREE OR I CAN DO TO A GIRL).' 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T COOL IF YOU BE EDUCATED.' 'SMOKE UP.'" PLEASE DO NOT SEE THIS FILM.

VANTAGE POINT (DENNIS QUAID, MATHEW FOX, IDI AMIN, ELLEN RIPLEY;2008)

2008-02-23T13:31:00.000-11:00

FROM MY VANTAGE POINT THIS MOVIE SUCKED. YES, I WAS SHOCKED TOO. JUST IN CASE YOU MISS THE FIRST HALF HOUR OF THIS MOVIE, DON'T WORRY. YOU GET TO WATCH IT 6 OR 7 MORE TIMES. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY ZERO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. THE VIEWER FEELS ABOUT AS MUCH EMPATHY FOR THE STARS AS HE OR SHE DOES FOR PEOPLE IN THE NEWS. THERE'S ONE REDEEMING CAR CHASE WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHED BY THE SAME GUY WHO DID THE BORN IDENTITY. OL' PIRATE-EYES WHITAKER'S CHARACTER IS JUST AS UNECESSARY AS ALL HIS OTHER CHARACTERS SINCE GOOD MORNING VIETNAM. HIS CAMCORDER IS MORE RELEVANT TO THIS ABSURD PLOT THAN HE IS. THE STUDIO COULD'VE SAVED MONEY AND PAID A SPANISH BUM TO PLAY HIS PART. I ALSO NEVER REALIZED DENNIS QUAID IS A BAD ACTOR. GRANTED I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE'S DONE SINCE INNER SPACE....AND WE ALL KNOW MARTIN SHORT WAS THE REAL STAR IN THAT FILM. THE PLOT TWIST IN VANTAGE POINT IS ABOUT AS EXCITING AS DROPPING YOUR BALLS IN A HOT CUP OF TEA. WHICH, LIKE THIS GIANT LET-DOWN, I DON'T RECOMMEND. I'M SURE WITH ALL THE HYPE SURROUNDING THIS MOVIE YOU'LL WASTE 10 DOLLARS ON IT ANYWAY. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS TELLING THE MOVIE JERK HE WAS RIGHT ONCE YOU'VE SEEN IT.

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING (AARON ECKHART, MARIA BELLO;2006)

2008-02-22T07:29:00.000-11:00

THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON UNPROTECTED SEX, LIQUOR, MEASLES, STUPID HATS WITH BUCKLES, ABSURD RELIGIONS TELLING US NOT TO FUCK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, AND A TURKEY DINNER WITH SOME NATIVES WE LATER KILLED. THIS LOVELY CINEMATIC WORK OF PURE HONESTY TELLS IT LIKE IT IS....SMOKING DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER. SMOKING MAKES YOU LOOK COOL, SMELL GOOD, AND GET LAID. IF YOU DON'T SMOKE THREE PACKS OF UNFILTERED CAMELS A DAY AND DRINK BEFORE, AFTER, AND ESPECIALLY DURING ANY DRIVE, YOU'RE A GOD DAMN NANCY AND FUCKING TERRORIST. THE NEXT TIME SOME HEALTH NUT PULLS THAT "FAKE COUGH" SHIT WITH YOU, "DISCREETLY" ENCOURAGING YOU TO EXTINGUISH YOUR CIGARETTE, YOU BETTER KNIFE THAT BASTARD AND SHOVE BURNING EMBERS IN HIS EYES. I LOVE GIRLS THAT SMELL LIKE CIGARETTES. BECAUSE IT MEANS THEY PROBABLY DRINK HEAVILY TOO, AND THEREFORE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTED TO ME SOMETIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF MIDNIGHT AND 4AM. GOD BLESS R.J. REYNOLDS. GOD BLESS CIGARETTE LOBBYISTS. AND GOD BLESS THIS MOVIE!........YOU MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU. -T.M.J. - OUT!

THE INVISIBLE (JUSTIN CHATWIN, MARQARITA LEVIEVA, POOR SCRIPT;2007)

2008-02-21T08:02:00.001-11:00

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT THIS MOVIE I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY CONCERING MINORITIES DURING THE REAGAN ERA. TO MY SURPRISE, THIS FILM FOCUSED ON A MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TOPIC: THE UNDEAD. IN A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, A GEEK WITH A BUTT-CUT IS BEATEN AND LEFT FOR DEAD...AND RIGHTFULLY SO. UNFORTUNATELY, HE FALLS INTO A COMA AND HIS SPIRIT LEAVES HIS BODY. HE’S THEN FORCED TO WATCH HIS MOTHER, AND THE POLICE SEARCH FOR HIM IN EVERY SINGLE LOCATION EXCEPT THE ONE WHERE HIS DYING BODY IS ACTUALLY LOCATED. INSTEAD OF DOING THE APPROPRIATE THING, LIKE MASTURBATING IN STRANGE LOCALES, SUCH AS THE GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM, OR RANDOM OFFICE PARTIES, BOTH OF WHICH ARE FAR LESS RISKY WHEN YOU’RE INVISIBLE, OUR LEADING MAN DOES HIS BEST TO ASSIST WITH HIS CASE. BECAUSE IF THE AUTHORITIES DON’T FIND HIS BODY BEFORE IT DIES, HE’LL BE REINCARNATED AS THE HAMBURGLAR. EITHER THAT OR HE DIES FOR REAL. I CAN’T REMEMBER. AS A MATTER OF FACT, THE MOVIE JERK LEFT THE THEATRE FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES TO SMOKE A JOINT, SO SOME OF THE PLOT AND DETAILS ARE A LITTLE HAZY. HOWEVER, IF YOU’RE ON DRUGS TOO, YOU CAN ENJOY THIS CHEAP THRILL. GRANTED, YOU COULD ALSO ENJOY STARING AT FORK. HOWEVER, IF YOUR NOT ON DRUGS, I RECOMMEND RENTING ABOUT 3 OR 4 OTHER NEW RELEASES BEFORE THIS LITTLE GUY.

HE WAS A QUIET MAN (CHRISTIAN SLATER, ELISHA CUTHBERT;2007)

2008-02-19T09:33:00.000-11:00

...BUT NOT QUIET ENOUGH! 'CAUSE HE STILL MADE THIS GOD DAMN MESS. WOW....WHO KNEW?...WHEN CHRISTIAN SLATER'S NOT BUSY PLAYING GRAB-ASS ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, SNORTING THE WHITE OUT OF COCAINE, OR BITING HIS FIANCE, HE STILL LIKES TO MAKE THE OCCASIONAL MOVIE. WE CAN'T BLAME THE STUDIOS THOUGH. THEY'RE CLEARLY STILL HIRING HIM BASED ON HIS CAREER DECISIONS AND AUDIENCE DRAWL FROM '85-'94. THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING HE DID BEFORE BROKEN ARROW. I'D RATHER WATCH DIFF'RENT STROKES ON MUTE ALL DAY THAN BE SUBJECTED TO ANY SCENE FROM THAT FILM, EVER AGAIN. HE WAS A QUIET MAN IS THE STORY OF BOB MACONEL. A GROWN UP COLUMBINE AND VIRGINIA TECH GRADUATE WHO HAS THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF A THUMB TACK. RIGHT BEFORE MACONEL IS ABOUT TO BLOW AWAY HIS OFFICE, SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT FOR HIM. SINCE MACONEL ALREADY HAS A LOADED WEAPON, HE EASILY STEPS INTO THE ROLE OF HERO BY KILLING THE OTHER PSYCHO-LOSER. ALSO INJURED IN THIS BLOOD BATH, WAS VENESSA, JACK BAUER'S DAUGHTER. MACONEL SAVED HER LIFE BUT SHE WAS STILL PARALYSED IN THE SHOOTING. THE REST OF THE MOVIE FOCUSES ON THEIR STRANGE RELATIONSHIP AND HER DESIRE TO DIE. BLAH BLAH BLAH. WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE LIKE MACONEL. WE THROW ROCKS AT THEM, SHIT IN THEIR LUNCH BOX, LIGHT THEIR GERBAL ON FIRE....WHATEVER. WHAT WE DON'T DO IS MAKE A MOVIE BASED ON THEM. ONE OF THESE LOSERS IS PROBABLY AIMING AT ME RIGHT NOW. THAT'S WHY THE MOVIE JERK IS STICKING OUT HIS MIDDLE FINGER AND GRABBING HIS BALLS WHILE DOING 360 DEGREE TURNS.....IF YOU WANT TO BE BORED, OR YOU'RE OBNOXIOUSLY ARROGANT AND CREATIVE, RENT THIS.

UNTIL DEATH (JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, STEPHEN REA;2007)

2008-02-18T06:50:00.000-11:00

I DIDN'T KNOW "THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS" WAS STILL ALIVE. IN 1995 MY MOTHER TOLD ME HE HAD HERNIATED A DISC ON THE SET OF UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, VIRTUALLY ENDING HIS CAREER. IT WAS A NECESSARY LIE I CHOSE TO BELIEVE. I ASSUMED HE WAS REDUCED TO TEACHING MARTIAL ARTS TO FAT KIDS IN QUEENS, OR SOME OTHER HORRIBLE FATE. TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST ON THE SET OF LEGIONAIRE. LATER IN LIFE I DISCOVERED THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS COCAINE PROBLEM. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS CRUSHED. HOWEVER, HE'S BACK! UNFORTUNATELY, I'M NOW OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE JEAN-CLAUDE CAN'T ACT. YET ANOTHER PIECE OF JOY THE GODS HAVE CRUELLY STRIPPED FROM ME. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, DOLPH LUNDGREN WILL LOSE HIS CONTRACT WITH ROCKY IV PRODUCTIONS. I JUST GOT CHOKED UP. ANYWAY, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, AND WANT TO HELP VAN-DAMAGE PAY OFF HIS DEALERS, RENT THIS RAY OF HOPE. UNTIL DEATH STARS JEAN-CLAUDE AS A HEROIN ADDICTED COP IN NEW ORLEANS. A REAL SCUMBAG. AFTER A DRUG DEAL GONE HAYWIRE, JEAN-CLAUDE'S CHARACTER, ANTHONY LOWE, ENDS UP IN A COMA. HIS WIFE IS ALSO KIDNAPPED. AFTER A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY, LOWE BECOMES A ONE MAN REVENGE MACHINE!...IT'S NO DEATH WARRANT BUT IT'S DEFINETLY DEAD-LY. I DON'T ACTUALLY RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE, UNLESS IT'S PURELY FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE. -TMJ

JUMPER (HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JAMIE BELL, DIANE LANE;2008)

2008-02-17T05:42:00.000-11:00

I'M REALLY PROUD OF HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN. OBVIOUSLY HE HAD CEREBRAL PALSEY AS A CHILD BUT STILL FOLLOWED HIS DREAMS ONCE HE CAUGHT THE ACTING "BUG." HE'S MANAGED TO LAND SOME MAJOR ROLES EVEN THOUGH HIS RANGE CONSISTS OF TWO FACIAL FEATURES. ONE FEATURE IS "ALOOF SMILE/BLANK STARE," FOR THE LADIES, AND THE OTHER EXPRESSION IS THE CLASSIC "WIDE-EYED/OH SHIT I'M GONNA DIE," CREATED BY JAMES DEAN ON SEPTEMBER 30TH, 1955. AFTER READING HAYDEN'S BIO, I WAS AGHAST WHEN I DISCOVERED RON JEREMY WAS NOT HAYDEN'S ACTING COACH. JUDGING BY HIS PERFORMANCE IN JUMPER, I COULD'VE SWORN "THE HEDGEHOG" WAS BEHIND THIS YOUNG OSCAR CONTENDER. VETERAN ACTOR SAMUEL L. JACKSON, WHO TRIES HIS BEST TO DISGUISE HIMSELF AS SISCO'S SPERM-DONOR IN JUMPER, HAS REALLY COME FULL CIRCLE. FOR JEWELS, JUMPER IS LIKE A TWO HOUR EXTENSION OF HIS MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUE IN PULP FICTION. THE ONE WHERE HE SAYS, "MY NAME IS THE LORD!...." THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT HE DOES AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE: SCREAM AT WHITE PEOPLE. EXCEPT THIS TIME IT'S WITH REALLY POOR WORD CHOICE. DIANE LANE HAS A 4 MIN CAMEO IN THIS ANOMALY. SHE MUST BE DESPERATE TO AVOID THE HOLLYWOOD PORN SCENE. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T GATHERED, THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST. THERE'S APPROXIMATELY 30 LINES OF DIALOGUE. THERE ISN'T ANY EXPLANATION AS TO WHY THESE KIDS CAN TELEPORT. NOR DID THE SCRIPT BOTHER TO INFORM US, WHY A GROUP OF PEOPLE NAMED "PALINS" HAVE BEEN CHASING THESES "JUMPERS" FOR CENTURIES. I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS UGLY SINCE THE ELEPHANT MAN. STAY HOME AND PLAY WITH THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

SAW IV (SCOTT PATTERSON, TOBIN BELL;2007)

2008-02-15T08:11:00.000-11:00

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE MOVIE FOR YOU, BUT... IT'S A TRAP! JIGSAW, THE CANCER PATIENT WHO APPARENTLY DOESN'T NEED PROPER MEDICAL CARE, AND WHO WAS MORE DIFFICULT TO KILL THAN SADDAM HUSSEIN, IS FINALLY DEAD. SO IS HIS APPRENTICE AMANDA. YET, MIRACULOUSLY, THE ABSOLUTE, FUCKING STUPIDEST AUTHORITIES ON THE PLANET MANAGE TO CONTINUE PLAYING HIS GAMES VIA AN AUDIO TAPE DISCOVERED IN JIGSAW'S STOMACH. THE TAPE WAS DISCOVERED DURING HIS AUTOPSY. AFTER THE LAST REMAINING S.W.A.T. AGENT IS ABDUCTED, THE FBI ONLY HAS A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME TO PIECE TOGETHER JIGSAW'S LATEST PUZZLE BEFORE THEY FACE THE BLOODY CONSEQUENCES. THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION FOR SAW IV'S CRACKPOT TEAM OF INVESTIGATORS, IS TO CONTINUE FALLING INTO EVERY SINGLE TRAP INSTEAD OF CUTTING THEIR LOSSES AND MOVING ON TO ANOTHER CASE. THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE MADE THE FIRST SAW EIGHT HOURS LONG. THE SEQUELS JUST DON'T CHANGE THAT MUCH. BY THE FOURTH SAW THE JIGSTER'S KILLED 8-10 COPS, 2 DOCTORS, RANDOM PEDESTRIANS AND I THINK SOME POOR KID'S TURTLE WAS DUCT-TAPED TO A FRYING PAN. NOT TO MENTION, JIGUMS HAS BEEN IMMOBILE SINCE THE FIRST FILM. HOW HE CONTINUALLY FOILS THE F.B.I. IS BEYOND ME. HOWEVER, IF YOU LIKED THE THIRD SAW YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE. IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING THIS FRANCHISE AFTER THE FIRST SEQUEL, DON'T BOTHER RENTING THIS. - T.M.J.

THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY (CILLIAN MURPHY, LIAM CUNNINGHAM;2007)

2008-02-14T10:01:00.000-11:00

THIS FANTASTIC MOVIE EXAMINES THE TIES THAT CAN UNITE OR DESTROY FAMILIES AND COUNTRIES. THE SETTING CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIFIC FILM IS 1920’S IRELAND. TO PUT THIS IN PERSPECTIVE, 1920’S IRELAND WAS ABOUT AS SAFE AS 1980’S HARLEM. UNLESS YOU WERE ARMED WITH A CRACK PIPE, SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN, ADIDAS, AND A SICK RYHME, YOU DIDN’T BREAK DANCE ACROSS 110TH STREET. THE PRIMARY IRISH ACTIVITY OF THE 1920’S, ASIDE FROM DREAMING OF NEW WAYS TO COOK POTATOES, WAS FIGHTING THE VICIOUS "BLACK AND TAN." THE "BLACK AND TAN" WERE A GROUP OF ENGLISH PRICKS SENT TO BLOCK IRELAND’S INDEPENDENCE. FORTUNATELY, THE ENGLISH UNDERESTIMATED THEIR OPPONENTS, AS USUAL, AND WERE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THAT THE IRISH WERE NOT TOO DRUNK TO FIGHT AND ACTUALLY DID HAVE "MORE RYHMES THAN COPS IN A DUNKIN’ DONUTS SHOP." ASIDE FROM THE SLAUGHTERING, WIND PROVIDES A DISTURBING PORTRAYAL OF THE RAPIDLY CHANGING DYNAMICS OF FAMILIES AND FRIENDSHIP DURING WARTIME. THE MOVIE JERK RECOMMENDS RENTING THIS ACCOMPLISHMENT TODAY.

SHOOTER (MARKY MARK, DANNY GLOVER, NED BEATTY;2007)

2008-02-13T09:15:00.000-11:00

AS YOU CAN TELL BY THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT, MARK WHALBERG WAS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE TO PLAY A SNIPER. IT’S QUITE EVIDENT HE’S A MASTER OF CAMOUFLAGE, STEALTH, DISIPLINE, AND HAND TO HAND COMBAT. I’M SURE THE PRODUCERS ALSO TOOK INTO CONSIDERATION THE FACT THAT THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE THE NECESSARY MARINE TRAINING REQUIRED FOR THIS ROLE. THIS SIGNIFICANT FINANCIAL RELIEF STEMS FROM HIM RECEIVING SED TRAINING IN THE MASTER PIECE RENAISSANCE MAN. IT WAS ALSO DURING THE CINEMATIC FEAT, RENAISSANCE MAN, WHERE MR. MARK CULTIVATED HIS EXTRAORDINARY CRAFT. HIS CRAFT AND LIMITLESS ACTING REACH WERE ESPECIALLY NOTICABLE IN 1997’S BOOGIE NIGHTS, WITH HIS PERFECT DELIVERY OF UNFORGETABLE LINES SUCH AS, "IT’S MY BIG DICK AND I WANT TO SHOOT THE SCENE NOW." THIS SAME CRAFT LEAD TO HIS OSCAR NOMINATION FOR THE DEPARTED, IN WHICH MR. MARK PLAYS AN ASSHOLE FROM SOUTH BOSTON. THIS WAS AN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT STRECH FOR MR. MARK, WHO IS ACTUALLY AN ASSHOLE FROM DORCHESTER, MASSACHUSETTES. SHOOTER IS ABOUT A SNIPER WHO IS FRAMED TO LOOK LIKE HE ASSASSINATED THE PRESIDENT. FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE FILM, AFTER HE’S FRAMED, HE’S ON THE RUN TRYING TO CLEAR HIS NAME. NOT MUCH TO IT. HOWEVER, IT’S DEFINETLY A FUN MOVIE. THE MOST AMAZING ASPECT IS THAT IT CO-STARS DANNY GLOVER. I GUESS INBETWEEN SUPPORTING HUGO CHAVEZ AND FINDING OTHER WAYS TO SHIT ON AMERICA, MURTAUGH STILL LIKES TO WORK AND PICK UP CHECKS HERE. WAY TO GO YOU COCK. SHOOTER ALSO COSTARS NED BEATTY. HE’S THE GUY THAT GOT SODOMIZED IN 1972’S DELIVERANCE. IT’S ALWAYS A BLAST TO MONITOR HIS PROGRESS. RENT SHOOTER. -TMJ

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (MERYL STREEP, ANNE HATHAWAY;2006)

2008-02-11T22:39:00.000-11:00

ACCORDING TO THE TITLE, THE DEVIL REALLY DOES WEAR PRADA. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.... IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE FRIGHTENING THAN AN ETERNITY IN FLAMES, IT'S TED KENNEDY. I'M JUST KIDDING. IT'S ANY OF THE LIVING KENNEDYS. (THAT SPECIFICALLY DISCLUDES JOHN, BOBBY, JON-JON, A.K.A, "WINGS," AND JIMMY HOFFA). HOWEVER, RELEVANT TO THIS CINEMATIC SMASH, HELL IS ASSISTING AN OFFICE FULL OF EMPOWERED SINGLE WOMEN AND HOMOS. OOPS. I'M SORRY. DID THAT OFFEND ANYONE? IF SO, PLEASE REDIRECT YOURSELF TO WWW.I GIVEAFUCKABOUTYOURFEELINGS.COM. AHH YES, THE FASHION INDUSTRY. A MAGICAL WORLD WHERE UGLY WOMEN DRESS THEIR PRETTY, BULIMIC COUNTERPARTS, AND THE MEN SIP DAIQUIRIS BETWEEN 8 BALL INDUCED DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR......INTRODUCING THE NEW WINTER G-STRING LINE BY FREDERICK FRANX GUSTAUF: "IF YOU'RE NOT A SIZE -2, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN PUBLIC UNTIL YOU SELL YOUR FAT FOR BLOW....(DEEP VOICE OVER) GUSTAUF, BUY IT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE EUROS AND BECAUSE BABIES ARE OPTIONAL." ALLRIGHT THEN, HERE'S THE CURVE BALL, THE MOVIE JERK THOUGHT THIS FILM WAS HYSTERICAL. GRANTED, WHEN THIS MOVIE WAS RELEASED, I STILL HAD $5,000 WORTH OF CREDIT, AN UNSOLD FLAT SCREEN, 30MG OF VIAGRA, AND WAS WEARING NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO AND A CASHMERE SWEATER. SO I WAS LAUGHING AT A LOT OF THINGS THOSE DAYS. STILL, SEE THIS MOVIE. SEE IT BECAUSE FASHION IS AN EXCUSE FOR THE ANONYMOUS TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT. SEE IT BECAUSE I NOW DRESS NAKED TO AVOID THE NEWEST TRENDS. SEE IT BECAUSE WE ONLY CARE ABOUT NUMBER ONE. SEE IT TO IMAGINE THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HATHAWAY'S BEAUTIFUL PALE SKIN AND PINKEST NIPPLES. AND ON THAT NOTE, THE MOVIE JERK IS SIGNING OFF.

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD (BRAD PITT, CASEY AFFLECK;2007)

2008-02-11T07:42:00.000-11:00

YOU COULD STARE AT THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT FOR THREE HOURS AND BE JUST AS ENTERTAINED AS YOU WOULD BE WATCHING THIS CRY FOR HELP. JUDGING BY BRAD'S DECISION MAKING LATELY, I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT HE HAS SIGNED OVER POWER OF ATTORNEY TO MADDOX, OR SOME OTHER CITIZEN REPRESENTING ONE OF THE MANY COUNTRIES RESIDING IN HIS HOUSE.... "GOD DAMN IT BRAD, WE'RE NOT DONE ADOPTING UNTIL WE HAVE ALL THE COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW. NOW WE CAN MAKE THE WHITE ONES FOR FREE, BUT I NEED YOU TO BUY PURPLE AND GREEN TODDLERS TODAY. ALSO, I'VE HEARD THERE'S A JAUNDICED BABY IN ARGENTINA WHO'S TURNING INTO AN ATTRACTIVE YELLOW HUE."... THANK YOU ANGELINA, FOR EXPOSING US TO NEW, STARVING RACES ON A WEEKLY BASIS. ALL KIDDING ASIDE THOUGH, THIS MOVIE'S SLOWER THAN CHRIS BURKE. T.A.J.J.C.R.F. IS NARRATED LIKE A DOCUMENTARY. THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS, IT'S NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE, NOR IS IT FILMED LIKE A DOCUMENTARY. SO, UM, THAT JUST SUCKS RIGHT THERE. THE ACTING IS DECENT, BUT NOT WORTH THE HOUR LONG GAPS BETWEEN ANY ACTION OR CONFRONTATION. VIEWERS COULD SEE MORE ACTION ON THE 405 FREEWAY. I RECOMMEND STAYING FAR AWAY FROM THIS FILM. THE MOVIE JERK IS NOW GOING TO CALL TIME WARNER CABLE AND CLAIM A BURGLAR BROKE IN AND ORDERED THIS PIECE OF SHIT, ALONG WITH THE 15 PORNS AT 5AM. GOD BLESS. - TMJ

IN BRUGES (COLIN FARELL, BRENDAN GLEESON, RALPH FIENNES, CLEMENCE POESY;2008)

2008-02-10T05:50:00.000-11:00

EITHER THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY FLOURIDE IN THEIR WATER OR EUROPEANS ACTUALLY BRUSH THEIR TEETH WITH COFFEE AND CAT SHIT. IN BRUGES IS THE STORY OF TWO HUMOROUS HITMEN BANISHED TO THE HISTORIC, BELGIUM CITY, BRUGES, AFTER BOTCHING THEIR LASTEST ASSIGNMENT IN ENGLAND. THIS MOVIE ALMOST MANAGES TO JUMP FROM TEAR-JERKING DRAMA TO COMEDY WITHOUT A SECOND'S NOTICE. HOWEVER, IT'S A LITTLE UNEVEN. IT'S LIKE WATCHING REQUIEM FOR A DREAM AND THE FIRST SEASON OF PERFECT STRANGERS IN THE SAME DAY, OR PUTTING MUSTARD ON ICE CREAM, OR GETTING BLOWN BY A TRANNY. ALL AMUSING THINGS ON THEIR OWN, BUT COMBINED THEY CAN BE VERY UNSETTLING......."I SEE STREET HOOKERS PREFER WIGS TO REAL HAIR THESE DAYS. DO YOU HAVE CANCER?......OH MY GOD YOU'RE A FUCKING MAN! PASS ME A TRASH CAN, A KLONDIKE, SOME GREY POUPON AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE." SEE WHAT I MEAN. DON'T LEAVE HOME. IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE. PARANOIA ASIDE THOUGH, THE ACTING IS QUITE GOOD, THE STORY IS SOMEWHAT ORIGINAL, AND THERE'S A SCENE IN THIS FILM INVOLVING COCAINE, ACID, COLIN FARRELL AND A DWARF. FOR THIS SCENE ALONE, THE MOVIE JERK RECCOMENDS BUYING A TICKET TO IN BRUGES, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY TO SUPPORT FOCUS FEATURES FOR RELEASING A MOVIE INVOLVING DRUGS, A MIDGET AND A DRUNK IRISH ACTOR.

KNOCKED UP (SETH ROGEN, PAUL RUDD, LESLIE MANN, KATHERINE HEIGL;2007)

2008-02-08T09:04:00.000-11:00

AFTER A ONE NIGHT STAND, AN ATTRACTIVE ENTERTAINMENT JOURNALIST FINDS HERSELF HUNGOVER AND PREGNANT WITH SOME FUCKING LOSER’S KID. APPARENTLY OUR FEMALE STAR HAS MANAGED TO SUSTAIN HER COMPLETE INNNOCENCE AND NAIVETE IN THE DRUG-FUELED, FAST-PACED WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT. SHE CAN’T HOLD HER LIQUOR WORTH A DAMN, SHE WON’T HAVE WEEKLY ABORTIONS, WHICH IS JUST ABSURD, AND AT 24 YEARS OLD, SHE HASN’T MANAGED TO FIND AN EFFECTIVE FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. SHE’S BASICALLY RIGGED TO RUIN LIVES IN A SINGLE NIGHT, SUCH AS THE LIFE OF OUR FAT, IDIOT PROTAGONIST. HER INEFFECTIVE, OR LACK OF, BIRTH CONTROL IS JUST PLAIN FOOLISH. NOT ONLY DOES THE "THE PILL," OR PATCH, ACT AS A CROCODILE-FILLED MOAT, DETERRING SPERM LIKE THEY'RE MEDIEVAL KNIGHTS ATTACKING A CASTLE, IT’S ALSO PROVEN TO PREVENT STD’S, ALIEN INVASION, STOP TERRORISM, AND BOOST THE ECONOMY. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED THIS GIRL IS A TOP RANKING MEMBER OF AL QUEDA. SHOCKINGLY, KNOCKED UP AMASSED 150 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE. THIS LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THOUSANDS OF IMBECILES VIEW ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY AS HUMOROUS AND CUTE. THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT PREGNANT WOMEN OR KIDS. THE FORMER ARE HORMONAL, COMPLETELY INSANE AND USELESS. THE LATTER ARE EXPENSIVE AND SHIT EVERYWHERE. THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT……SUPERBAD WAS FANTASTIC THOUGH. NICE COMEBACK.

THE BRAVE ONE (JODIE FOSTER, TERRANCE HOWARD;2007)

2008-02-07T05:18:00.000-11:00

AFTER LOSING THE ROLE OF BATMAN TO CHRISTIAN BALE, JODIE FOSTER RELUCTANTLY SIGNED ON AS ANOTHER CRIMESTOPPER IN, THE BRAVE ONE. IN IT, JODIE STARS AS SHE-RA, NEW YORK CITY'S MAN-CRUNCHING, LESBIAN OF DEATH. (NOTE FOR THE SLOW, SHE ACTUALLY STARS AS ERICA BANE, MURDEROUS, TRAUMATIZED, RADIO D.J.). AFTER A TRAUMATIC INCIDENT IN WHICH HER BOYFRIEND IS VIOLENTLY MURDERED, ERICA LEARNS TO COPE LIKE ANY OTHER AVERAGE CITIZEN. SHE ILLEGALLY PURCHASES A GUN AND STARTS PUMPING HOLES INTO SKETCHY PEOPLE. SOON LABELED AS A VIGILANTE, ERICA DEVELOPS SERIOUS MORALITY ISSUES OVER WHETHER WHAT SHE'S DOING IS RIGHT, OR COMPLETELY WRONG. THIS INTERNAL CONFLICT LASTS ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TAKES HER TO RELOAD. SHE THEN CONTINUES AVENGING HER BOYFRIEND THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, AIMLESSLY SPRAYING BULLETS IN CONFINED SPACES WHILE SMOKING MARLBORO LIGHTS. BALLS CLARICE, BRASS BALLS. THOUGH A LITTLE FAR FETCHED, IT IS ALWAYS REWARDING TO WATCH AN AVERAGE JANE TRANSFORM INTO A MERCILESS JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER..... REWARDING ENOUGH THAT I, THE MOVIE JERK, VOICE OF A THOUSAND CRITICS, MAN AMONG FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, PURVEYOR OF CINEMATIC WISDOM, RECOMMEND THIS RENTAL.

YOU KILL ME (BEN KINGLSEY, TEA LEONI, LUKE WILSON;2007)

2008-02-06T09:18:00.000-11:00

GHANDI'S BACK! IN THIS DARK ROMANTIC COMEDY. THIS TIME HE MEDITATES LIKE REST OF THE WORLD, WITH A BOTTLE OF VODKA AND A LOADED GUN. FOR THIS CHALLENGING ROLE GHANDI DROPPED THE ROBE, THE HUMMING, AND THE 'TUDE. GHANDI '08 MORPHED INTO THIS PART WITHOUT A PRAYER. HE STARS AS AN ALCOHOLIC HITMAN FOR THE POLISH MOB IN THIS BAG OF LAUGHS. GHANDI'S CHARACTER, FRANK, IS TRANSPLANTED FROM BUFFALO TO SAN FRANCISCO AFTER HE DRUNKENLY SLEEPS THROUGH A CRUCIAL "HIT." WHILE IN SAN FRAN, FRANK ATTENDS A.A. MEETINGS, NAILS THE GIRL FROM BAD BOYS, AND GETS A DAY JOB IN A MORTURARY. MY GOD! IT'S COMIC GENIUS! LUKE WILSON ALSO SKIPS THROUGH THIS FILM WITH THE ENTHUSIAM OF A DETOXING HEROIN ADDICT.... JESUS. I'M DONE......SERIOUSLY PEOPLE...WHAT HAS BEN KINGSLEY STARRED IN THAT WAS TRULY ENTERTAINING? EXCEPT FOR SNEAKERS OF COURSE. FOR A KNIGHTED, OSCAR WINNER, HE SURE KNOWS HOW TO SHIT THE BED WHEN CHOOSING ROLES. DARE I SAY, "GHANDI'S SNEAKERS?"

THE HOAX (RICHARD GERE, ALFRED MOLINA;2007)

2008-02-05T09:04:00.000-11:00

RICHARD GERE’S EYES APPEAR TO BE COLLAPSING INTO THEMSELVES. UNLIKE MOST AGING MALE MODELS THOUGH, HE’S MANAGED TO GRACEFULLY SLIP INTO VARIOUS ROLES THAT FOCUS LITTLE ON HIS FEATURES. HIS ROLE IN THE HOAX, AS CLIFFORD IRVING, THE CON-MAN WRITER WHO PENNED AN UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF O.C.D. FREAK, HOWARD HUGHES, IS ONE SUCH EXAMPLE. RICHARD GERE’S COME A LONG WAY SINCE ACCEPTING ANY ROLE THAT EITHER INVOLVED HIM PLAYING A WHORE OR PAYING FOR ONE. (SEE AMERICAN GIGALO AND THAT MOVIE WITH THE CHICK THAT HAS A MOUTH FOR A HEAD AND NEVER TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF,THOUGH SHE’S A STREET PROSTITUTE). HAHAHHAHA. REMEMBER THAT SCENE WHERE GERE SNAPS THE NECKLACE CASE ON JULIA ROBERT'S HAND AND THEY BOTH GIGGLE. THAT WAS CUTE. RIDICULOUS, BUT CUTE. LAST TIME I INVITED SOME SKANK OF THE STREET TO MY HOTEL ROOM I HAD TO EXIT VIA THE BALCONEY TO HIDE THE MURDER WEAPON IN TIME. I GUESS THAT SCENARIO WAS A LITTLE TO REAL FOR HOLLYWOOD. IT’S TOUGH TO GET A PG-13 RATING ON A FILM TITLED: DEAD HOOKER, SCARED BANKER. ANYWHO, ALWAYS TRUE TO HIS MEDIOCRE ACTING ABILITIES, RICHARD GERE STILL MANAGES TO ENTERTAIN IN THIS SATIRICAL DRAMEDY ABOUT LIES, WIVES, AND NO-TALENT ASSHOLES TRYING TO MAKE A BUCK. FEEL FREE TO RENT THIS WITHOUT REPROCUSSIONS.

THE HUNTING PARTY (RICHARD GERE, TERRANCE HOWARD;2007)

2008-02-04T09:50:00.000-11:00

GOOD ACTING. BAD SCRIPT. LIKE CAESAR DRESSING. YOU COULD POUR THAT STUFF ON A TURD AND NOT REALIZE YOU’RE EATING SHIT UNTIL YOUR DATE VOMITS. THIS IS THE STORY OF THE PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL LIVES OF ACTION JOURNALISTS, STATIONED IN POST WAR BOSNIA. THIS MOVIE IS A SATIRE WITH SUDDEN DRAMATIC ELEMENTS THROWN AT THE VIEWER LIKE FAST BALLS. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO REACT. IT’S LIKE TRYING TO PROVIDE THE APPROPRIATE REACTION TO JOE PESCI’S GOODFELLA’S CHARACTER. YOU'RE CLUELESS AS TO THE OUTCOME. SHOULD I CRY? SHOW FEAR? LAUGH? JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE? ANYWAY, IF YOU LIKE RICHARD GERE OR TERRANCE HOWARD, RENT THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT ONLY ACCUMULATED $876,671 AT THE BOX OFFICE. WHICH, IN HOLLYWOOD, MEANS HARVEY WEINSTEIN HAS AN $876,671 PRICE ON YOU HEAD…..MONDAY SUCKS.

THE EYE (JESSICA ALBA, ALESSANDRO NIVOLA, PARKER POSEY;2008)

2008-02-02T19:45:00.000-11:00

WELL, LIONSGATE EVENTUALLY HAD TO DISTRIBUTE A BAD MOVIE. BETTER SOONER THAN LATER. I'M JUST SURPRISED IT DIDN'T STAR SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR TOBIN BELL. THIS MOVIE STARS JESSICA ALBA AS A BLIND GIRL WHO REGAINS HER SIGHT BY SURGICALLY TRADING EYES WITH A MEXICAN GIRL WHO SAW THE DEAD, IMMEDIATLY BEFORE, AND AFTER THEY MET THEIR VARIOUS ENDS. UNFORTUNATELY, HOLLYWOOD STEPPED IN AND PROVIDER JESSICA ALBA'S CHARACTER WITH A 29 YEAR OLD MALE MODEL FOR A DOCTOR." THIS "DOCTOR" SPECIALIZES IN TEACHING THE HUMAN BRAIN TO ADAPT TO THE SENSORY OVERLOAD THAT ACCOMPANIES UNEXPERIENCED VISION. WHICH, APPARENTLY, ASSAULTS THE MIND LIKE A MARS BAR TO AN ETHOPIAN. DOC HOLLYWOOD COMES EQUIPPED WITH THE STANDARD FIVE O' CLOCK SHADOW AND HIS G.E.D. GRANTED, IF JESSICA ALBA WERE MY DOCTOR, I'D REQUEST A PROSTATE EXAM AND ADAMANTLY DENY THE POSTIVE TEST RESULTS FOR THE CLAP. WAIT A MINUTE... IF I COULD SEE THE DEAD, I COULD SLEEP WITH THE DEAD, AND LAST I CHECKED IT'S STILL "'TILL DEATH DO US PART." WHICH MEANS, NO ALIMONY, NO PREGNANCY, NO WEIGHT GAIN, 'CAUSE THE DEAD DON'T EAT, AND ALWAYS A RESERVATION FOR ONE WITH A SIDE OF, "HEY MY WIFE'S DEAD! WHAT'LL YOU DO FOR A HIT AND A HOT POCKET LITTLE LADY?" THERE AREN'T ANY SURPRISES IN THIS MOVIE IN TERMS OF THE STORY. HOWEVER, THE CHEAP THRILLS ARE OBNOXIOUS AND EVERYWHERE, BUT DRIVING DOWN THE 405 FREEWAY IS STILL MORE EXCITING.

THE PRESTIGE (HUGH JACKMAN, CHRISTRIAN BALE, MICHAEL CAINE, DAVID BOWIE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON;2006)

2008-01-31T22:14:00.001-11:00

WHY NOT FOLLOW ONE MAGICIAN MOVIE WITH ANOTHER? THE PRESTIGE AND THE ILLSIONIST WERE RELEASED BACK TO BACK. WHICH EVER EXECUTIVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A BRIGHT IDEA MUST BE OF THE IDEOLOGY THAT ROMANS AND CHRISTIANS CREATED THE LION BEFORE THE AUDITORIUM....JESUS INC.: "OH MAN, I'D HATE TO BE MILK FOR THAT CAT IN A LARGE CIRCULAR STADIUM." NERO: "HEY ZEUS (SON OF SAVIOR), YOU SAID ONE GOD, RIGHT?" I'M COMPARING THESE TWO FILMS PRIMARILY DUE TO THEIR CLOSE RELEASE DATES, BUT ALSO BECAUSE EACH MOVIE RECIEVED A "B" CRITIC REVIEW. THIS IS WHY I NAMED MYSELF "THE MOVIE JERK." ANY CRITIC WHO SUBMITS THE SAME GRADE FOR THE PRESTIGE AS HE, OR SHE, DID FOR THE ILLUSIONIST, CLEARLY THOUGHT COCAINE WAS THE GATEWAY DRUG TO A GIRL NAMED POT. I "COMPARE" THESE TWO FILMS BECAUSE EACH GOT AWAY WITH MURDER. SETTING CHRISTIAN BALE AGAINST HUGH JACKMAN, OR EXPECTING CHEMISTRY BETWEEN ED NORTON AND JESSICA BIEL, IS LIKE HAVING MEL GIBSON CO-DIRECT WITH WOODY ALLEN. ONE'S TALENT AND THE OTHER TURNED A FRANCHISE INTO AN OSCAR, ONLY TO PROVERBIALLY DEDICATE THE AWARD YEARS LATER TO A TEQUILLA WORM ON PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY. RENT THIS MOVIE AFTER, AND ONLY AFTER YOU'VE RENTED THE DREAM TEAM FIVE TIMES. THAT'S RIGHT... JUST BECAUSE.