FAST FIVE (Vin Diesel, White Trash; 2011)

The fifth installment of any franchise is usually more offensive than prison rape or the schizophrenic who sits on my corner screaming obscenities. His eyes are always looking in two different directions. It's as though he's adapted a stronger survival instinct to alert himself more quickly to approaching predators, or he's overmedicated and can't focus in fucking straight line. Either way, it bothers TMJ and frequently ruins his appetite. I think that the schizo resonates with my primal brain like fat people do. It isn't that I have a problem with you sucking down Twix until your heart pumps like the faint beep of a navy radar detecting an approaching warship. It's that instinctually, I believe your fat ass is going to slow down the hunting group and get us all eaten by a dinosaur.

Luckily, Fast Five is only filled with people in peak physical condition. There isn't a moment of reality in this fantastic crime caper. Except when Jordana Brewester tells Paul Walker she's pregnant. That was disturbing. There's nothing cool about babies when you're on the run. Actually, there's nothing cool about babies when you're stationary. In all seriousness though, if you're evading dealers in the favelas of Brazil with some first tri-mester baggage, you need to fast-five your ass to the clinic.

Fast Five has everything you need to make yourself feel good about driving like an asshole. Though TMJ has no real rating system, he gives this little number a "Shit Yeah."

2012 : THE MAYANS WARNED US! JOHN CUSACK, OLIVER PLATT, EARTH (2009)

IF THE WORLD WERE GOING TO END IN THREE DAYS I CAN PROMISE YOU THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN'T BE DEPENDING ON AN "ARC" MADE IN CHINA TO SAVE MY LIFE. CONSIDERING THE CHINESE VALUE FLIP-FLOPS MORE THAN HUMAN LIFE, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BEGIN GUESSING WHAT VARIOUS TOXIC MATERIALS OUR EASTERN NEIGHBORS USED TO CONSTRUCT THIS SUPERBOAT. NOT TO MENTION BEING ACTUALLY STUCK ON THE BOAT WITH THE CHINESE UNTIL SED BOAT ARRIVES AT ITS DESTINATION, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS UNKNOWN BECAUSE 75% OF THE WORLD HAS BEEN CONSUMED BY A TIDAL WAVE AND THE OTHER 25% CONSUMED BY OLIVER PLATT.

YOU THINK I'M DONE YET? WRONG! NOW PICTURE THIS CRAP. LET'S SAY WE FINALLY LOCATE A PIECE OF LAND THAT HAD AN ELEVATION HIGH ENOUGH NOT TO BE CONSUMED BY WATER. FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW THE LAND MASS ISN'T GOING TO BE THE SIZE OF CHINA. SECOND OF ALL, THE CHINESE OBVIOUSLY HAVE A BREEDING PROBLEM WHICH IS WHY THEY KEEP ABORTING THEIR KIDS IN APPROXMATELY THEIR 4TH TRIMESTER. (THAT'S AFTER THE KID'S BORN FOR THE IDIOTS). (THAT'S WHEN YOU PREHEAT THE OVEN TO 425 AND INVITE EVERYONE OVER FOR LITTLE HU CHOW'S LAST BIRTHDAY. "THAT HU WAS A GOOD KID. I COULD'VE TRADED HIM IN FOR A WATCH BUT WE ALL GOTTA EAT. CHEERS.") MY POINT IS, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT IS UNTIL THE ENTIRE ISLAND IS FLOODED WITH LITTLE CHINA-MEN CHASING US AROUND WITH BAMBOO CANES AND TRYING TO SEND US TO RE-EDUCATION CAMPS? IN THESE CAMPS WE WILL LEARN THAT THE CHINESE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR BUILDING THE BOATS THAT SAVED OUR LIVES. THEREFORE, WE WILL WORK FOR THEM AND THEY WILL OWN THE ISLAND.

OH YEAH. THAT'S THE LITTLE SLICE OF REALITY THEY FAILED TO MENTION IN THIS HEEP-O-SHIT FILM. AS FOR THE MAYANS WARNING US ABOUT 2012? I DON'T RECALL SEEING ANY MAYANS REPRESENTED AT THE LAST U.N. COUNCIL. WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD. FOR ALL THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO ARCITECTURE, AGRICULTURE AND SCIENCE, THOSE ASSHOLES COULDN'T MAKE IT PAST 900 A.D. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. HOW THE HELL DOES A SOCIETY PREDICT THE END OF THE WORLD FOR 2012 WHEN IT CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT TO 1000? GET THE OMNIPOTENT JOHN CUSACK TO BACK YOU UP. THAT'S HOW.

I RATE THIS MOVIE AT ONE STAR, OR TWO DENNIS QUAIDS.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY (KATIE FEATHERSTON, MICHAH SLOAT, 2009)

IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE ONLY CHICK THIS APPARITION COULD SNEAK UP TO WAS A PLUMP GRAD STUDENT WHO COULDN'T TURN ON A TELEVISION.

THE BIG GIRL'S BOYFRIEND, MICHAH, IS A DAY TRADER WHO CAN APPARENTLY IGNORE THE STOCK MARKET FOR A MONTH TO CHASE GHOULS AROUND HIS SAN DIEGO HOME. WHAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT MICHAH IS WHY HE DIDN'T LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND EVEN BEFORE HER GHOST PROBLEM, NOT TO MENTION AFTER. "HI, I'M MICHAH. THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND KATIE. SHE'S A STUDENT OF ENGLISH WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO INCOME. SHE'S OVERWEIGHT, OBNOXIOUS AND MOST RECENTLY, SHE'S MANAGED TO PISS OFF THE UNDERWORLD."

THIS MOVIE BUILDS VERY, VERY SLOWLY. THE ONLY TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM IT'S MONOTONY COMES IN THE FORM OF A MIDDLE-AGED MALE PSYCHIC WHO OBVIOUSLY SIGNED ON FOR A FREE SANDWICH. I'D LOVE TO SEE THE SHIT HOLE IN WHICH THEY FOUND THAT GRIFTER.

(PICTURE A MAN SITTING ON A COUCH IN A BABY-BLUE, STAINED BATHROBE.....AND THEN, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR....)

"HELLO. SO YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC WHO INVESTIGATED THE FAT-GRAD STUDENT HAUNTING?"

"YOU BETCHA. RIGHT NOW I'M SENSING YOU DIDN'T CLOSE THE FRONT DOOR AND I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER. SO, BEFORE I SIGN ANYTHING, I PREDICT YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO DILEMMAS?"

"OF COURSE. SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?"

"WELP. THE FIRST TIME I MET THE YOUNG GIRL MY ABILITY TOLD ME THIS GHOST WAS A CHUBBY-CHASER. SO I TOLD JIGGLES TO GET ON A TREADMILL AND THE HAUNTING WOULD GO AWAY."

"THAT'S IT?"

"NO....I LIKE DOUBLE-PLY."

LOOKS LIKE A BIG WIN TO ME. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF CREAKING NOISES, SHITTY HOME VIDEO, AND ANNOYING CONVERSATION, THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE END OF THIS MOVIE. HOWEVER, YOU'LL ONLY ENJOY THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED EVERYTHING IS REAL. TMJ WAS NOT.

SORORITY ROW (RUMER WILLIS & THE ATTRACTIVE BACK-UPS; 2009)

THE BLOND GIRL FEATURED IN THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS PREPARED FOR A DATE WITH THE MOVIE JERK. THAT, IS HOW IT'S DONE. NOW, LET'S GET TO IT... IN 1699 SARAJEVO WAS SET ON FIRE BY PRINCE EUGENE OF SAVOY AFTER A RAID. IN 1878 SARAJEVO WAS CONQUERED BY THE AUSTRIA-HUNGARIAN EMPIRE AS PART OF THE TREATY OF BERLIN. THAT'S 106 YEARS BEFORE THE TERMINATOR WAS RELEASED IN THEATRES STARRING THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT MADE AUSTRIA RELEVANT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. IN 1914, FRANZ FERDINAND, WAS "TAKEN OUT" (PUN INTENDED) IN SARAJEVO. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ATTENDED THE DETROIT PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, THE ASSASSINATION OF FRANZ FERDINAND RECEIVED CREDIT FOR SPARKING WORLD WAR 1. IN 1992, SARAJEVO WAS SUBJECTED TO THE LONGEST SIEGE IN MILITARY HISTORY. SARAJEVO HAS SINCE HAD A LITTLE DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING TO POST-WAR REALITY. I'M PROVIDING THIS HISTORY LESSON FOR YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOVIE JERK KNOWS A BAD INVESTMENT. THAT BEING SAID, THE MOVIE JERK WOULD RATHER YOU INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS INTO PROPERTY IN SARAJEVO, THAN INVEST 10 DOLLARS IN THE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME THAT IS SORORITY ROW. THIS MOVIE STARS RUMER WILLIS, AND FOUR RECENTLY-EMPLOYED HOOKERS, AS SORORITY SISTERS STALKED BY A FELLOW SISTER WHOM WAS ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED IN A HORRIBLE PRANK. IF ONLY THIS WERE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. THE MOVIE IS SIMILAR TO I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER EXCEPT THAT IT STARS RUMER WILLIS AND NOT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. WHICH IS SOMEWHAT LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MOVIE STARRING SOMEONE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND A MOVIE STARRING RUMER WILLIS. THE RUMOUR'S TRUE, THAT CHICK'S UGLY. BELIEVE ME, YOU'D RATHER FUCK SHIT. I GIVE THIS MOVIE, A GALAXY OF STARS FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO INSULT THE PUBLIC SO SOON AFTER THE RECOGNITION OF GLOBAL WARMING. -TMJ

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (DYSLEXIC REAVES, RETARDED E.T.'S; 2009)

AFTER THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL, IT STARTED MOVING AGAIN. THE DOW JONES RALLIED SHORTLY AFTER THE WHITE HOUSE CONFIRMED THAT LIFE FROM OTHER PLANETS WAS ACTUALLY MUCH DUMBER THAN WE ARE. THIS HELPED TO RELIEVE OUR FEARS THAT THE CHINESE COULDN'T CONTROL US BY PURCHASING OUR NATIONAL DEBT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY DID IN THE EARLY 1930'S WHEN WE THOUGHT THEY WERE ALIENS. IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING. OVERLY AGGRESSIVE, INHUMANLY UNHYGIENIC, PEOPLE WITH NIGHT VISION THAT DON'T LOOK RUSSIAN? UH-OH. FUCK! GET UNDER YOUR DESK KIDS! CIGARETTES JUST SHOT TO TEN DOLLARS A PACK AT YOUR LOCAL DELI! WHICH, IS WHY THE MOVIE JERK VOTES FOR LESS GOVERNMENT AND/OR ALIEN CONTROL. IF I HAVE TO HIDE UNDER MY DESK TO AVOID A VERY LARGE BOMB I'M GOING TO FEEL A LITTLE FOOLISH IF

A. KEANU REEVES IS STILL ACTING ANYWHERE

B. I DIED UNDER A DESK

C. GARY BUSEY SURVIVES

TO ENJOY THIS AWEFUL REMAKE YOU SHOULD BE OBESE AND DESPERATE TO LEAVE THE EARTH.

-TMJ

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON (BRAD PITT, CATE BLANCHETT, WRINKLED PENIS, CGI; 2008)

2008 WAS PRETTY SWEET. IT LEFT ME WITH THE SAME WARM FEELING I GOT WHEN A $75 HOOKER, WHOM I TIPPED WITH PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, GAVE ME CRABS. THAT WARM FEELING THEN TURNED INTO A BURNING ITCH AND A DEEP HATRED FOR ANYTHING WEARING HEELS AND SMELLING LIKE TACO BELL. LUCKILY, FOR BRAD PITT, 2008 WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER YEAR. HE WOKE UP, RODE HIS FRENCH SERVANT TO THE KITCHEN, ATE A GOLD BAR, ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED HIS CERTIFIABLE PARTNER WITH SOME FOREIGN SPERM (BLASIAN, MIDGET, CLOWN, HIPPO, OBAMA, WHATEVER WAS LEFT IN THE FRYING PAN), AND WENT TO WORK. WHILE ON HIS WAY TO WORK, PITT PICKED UP AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN RESEMBLING SOMETHING WE'VE ALL SLEPT WITH AFTER A TUESDAY NIGHT BAR HOP AND PROCEEDED TO MAKE A FILM WITH HIM. THE SHINING STAR THAT CAME OUT OF THAT CHANCE ENCOUNTER WAS, BENJAMIN BUTTON. THE TOUCHING TALE (AND IT IS SUCH A TALE) LOOSELY BASED ON THE SHORT STORY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD WROTE IN A BATH OF ABSINTHE AND ROSE PEDALS. THE STORY FOLLOWS A MAN WHO AGES BACKWARDS AND A GIRL WHO AGES REGULARLY. THEY FALL IN LOVE BUT KNOW IT CAN'T LAST BECAUSE THEY'RE PASSING EACH OTHER IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER TEAR-JERKING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE BUT THE MORAL IS SIMPLE: LIFE IS TOUGHER THAN HOLDING IN A FART DURING A SPINNING CLASS. WHEN YOU'RE BORN IN YOUR EIGHTIES YOU BECOME QUICKLY AWARE OF THIS AND THEREFORE APPRECIATE EVERY LITTLE MOMENT. THE MOVIE JERK GIVES THIS COMEBACK CRYSTAL 15 STARS. BEST THING BRAD PITT'S DONE SINCE HE GOT THAT BLACK KID.

BODY OF LIES (RUSSELL CROWE, LEONARDO DICAPRIO; 2008)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE HIS MOST MEDIOCRE MOVIE SINCE GROWING PAINS. BODY DEPICTS HOW EASILY TERRORISTS CAN DESTROY OUR MODERN WORLD WHEN DICAPRIO DOES NOT GROW THE APPROPRIATE FACIAL HAIR FOR A ROLE. IT WAS VERY PROMINENT YET SOMEHOW SPARSE, LIKE IN BRITISH PORN, AND LOOKED LIKE IT WAS PRONE TO CATCHING TAPAS. IN THE WORLD OF SPIES THIS IS A BIG NO NO. IT MAKES THE ENEMY UNEASY AND HIGHLY UNPREDICTABLE, AS WELL AS THE AUDIENCE. LEONARDO'S CO-STAR RUSSELL CROWE HAS APPARENTLY BEEN INTRAVENOUSLY CONSUMING LUNCHABLES FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS SINCE HE LAST PARTNERED WITH DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT IN GLADIATOR. THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO GAIN THAT SORT OF WEIGHT DURING THE DAY ALONE. THERE'S A COUPLE OTHER CAMEOS IN HERE, PRIMARY BOLLYWOOD TYPES PLAYING AL QUAEDA MEMBERS. THEY'RE HOPING TO MAKE IT BIG ONE DAY IN A REAL MOVIE, MAYBE SKIP THE LINE AT SOME NEW L.A. NIGHT CLUB ONCE THEY DO AND GET LAID BEFORE CHRIST COMES BACK....RUSSEL CROWE DOES NOT HAVE A PONY TAIL IN THIS MOVIE BUT IF YOU LOOK REALLY HARD, AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE, AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT, WITH JUST THE RIGHT EYES, YOU MIGHT SEE A RAT-TAIL.