INTO THE WILD (EMILE HIRSCH; 2007)

AFTER HANGING OUT WITH SEAN PENN, EMILE HERSH, EDDIE VEDDER, AND SOME HIDEOUS LAZY HIPPIES FOR CLOSE TO 3 HOURS, I WAS VERY CONFUSED. HOWEVER, I WAS WILLING TO TAKE THEIR ADVICE BY THE END OF THIS SCENIC RETREAT. SO, I QUIT MY JOB, PISSED AWAY MY INHERITANCE, STOPPED SHOWERING AND MERRILY BEGAN MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY....MY TRAVELS TOOK ME TO 76TH & 3RD BEFORE I GOT MY ASS KICKED FOR TRYING TO RUN OUT ON A BAR TAB. I ADVISE READING THE BOOK AND RENTING THE MOVIE IF YOU WISH TO FARE BETTER.

MICHAEL CLAYTON (GEORGE CLOONEY; 2007)

THAT ARROGANT DOCTOR FROM E.R. HAS MANAGED TO RAKE IN A GRAND TOTAL OF 38 MILLION DOLLARS WITH HIS RELATIVELY NEW LEGAL DRAMA MICHAEL CLAYTON. THIS MOVIE IS TIP TOP. A REAL MILESTONE FOR THAT FLAT-FACED GO-GETTER. I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE ENDING WHEN CLOONEY STARES AT THE SCREEN THROUGH THE SEPARATION BARRIER OF A NEW YORK TAXI. YEP, THAT SHIT WAS DEEP....REAL DEEP. ABOUT AS DEEP AS THE MOAT THAT SURROUNDS HIS 10 MILLION DOLLAR ITALIAN VILLA. ANYWAY, HE MAKES THE BIG BUCKS BECAUSE HE'S ATTRACTIVE AND APPARENTLY TALENTED. YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT. YOU MAY NEVER MEET GEORGE CLOONEY BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE MICHAEL CLAYTON. I ADVISE YOU DO SO IMMEDIATELY MR. MOVIE-GOER.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (JOSH BROLIN; TOMMY LEE JONES; 2007)

THIS MOVIE IS SIMPLY AWESOME. HOWEVER, ABOUT 3/4 INTO THIS DYNOMITE FILM YOU'RE GOING TO BEGIN TO SMELL SOMETHING. AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS THE HOMELESS GUY WHO HAD BOUGHT 1 MOVIE TICKET AND PROCEEDED TO RUIN THIS FEATURE FILM FOR ME BY TURNING ROW 3 INTO HIS OWN 2 BEDROOM 1&1/2 BATH AND BRUSHING HIS TEETH WITH SPRITE. THEN I REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY THE LARGE DUMP THE COEN BROTHERS WERE TAKING ON ME AND CALLING IT "AN ENDING." I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING SO ANTI-CLIMATIC SINCE THE FIRST ISSUE OF PLAYBOY; BUT TIMES WERE DIFFERENT THEN, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC TRIBAL PHOTOS AND THE SEARS CATALOGUE WERE STILL VIEWED AS PORN. GO SEE THIS MOVIE, BUT LEAVE AFTER 1HR30MIN AND JUST TELL YOURSELF IT ENDED HOWEVER YOU WANTED IT TO.

Hitman (Timothy Olyphant; Olga Kurylenko;2007)

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A HITMAN GETTING SCREWED BY THE SAME CROOKED SYNDICATE THAT CREATED HIM. HE'S RESOURCFUL, HE'S GOOD WITH GUNS AND A JUDO-CHOP, AND HE HAS A PENCHANT FOR RUSSIAN HOOKERS. SOUND FAMILIAR? THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ME. IT'S ALSO JASON BOURNE FROM THE BOURNE TRILOGY. ONLY ONE OF US IS ON THE SHELF AT YOUR LOCAL VIDEO STORE.....RUSSIAN HOOKERS ARE IN THE YELLOW PAGES UNDER "ESCORTS."

American Gangster (Russel Crowe, Denzel Washington;2007)

MY FOURTH GRADE TEACHER WAS A RUDE 400 POUND DYKE. SHE HAD A HAIR CUT LIKE PAT BENATAR AND A BODY LIKE AFRICAN AN ELEPHANT. SHE COULD HAVE USED A STRONG APPETITE SUPPRESSANT LIKE HEROIN OR COCAINE. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE STAR OF THIS 3 HOUR DRUG DRAMA: LADY H. ANY MOVIE THAT STARS A PHONE THROWING AUSSIE, PRE-AIDS BLOOD-SOAKED NEEDLES, THE VIET CONG AND A RACIALLY CHARGED TRIGGER HAPPY DRUG LORD, PLAYED BY THE BLACK GUY IN 1991'S RICOCHET, IS A FORMULA FOR HOLLYWOOD MAGIC. IF STEVE GUTTENBERG HAD A CAMEO IN THIS OSCAR WORTHY ROMP I WOULD HAVE CRIED. MORAL OF THIS GODSEND:

CRIME PAYS ACROSS 110TH STREET. SCRUFF MGRUFF SAYS, "SEE THE MOVIE, BUY THE SOUNDTRACK, HIT THE VEIN."

GONE BABY GONE (CASEY AFFLECK; ED HARRIS; 2007)

BEN AFFLECK'S A GREAT ACTOR WHEN HE'S DIRECTING AND NOT ACTING. HE AND HIS BROTHER ARE BACK AGAIN IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE AMONG THE DRUG-ADDLED, WOMANIZING, VIOLENT WHITE TRASH OF SOUTH BOSTON IN THE CRIME THRILLER GONE BABY GONE. THIS MOVIE IS FANTASTIC AND SIMULTANEOUSLY HORRIBLY DEPRESSING. THE MAIN DOWNFALL OF THE MOVIE IS CASEY AFFLECK'S REVOLTING YELLOW TEETH. HOWEVER, IF YOUR CHARACTER'S FROM SOUTH BOSTON, HE'S POOR, AND THE POOR DON'T HAVE GOOD DENTAL CARE, ERGO, GINGIVITIS. SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT HANDING OUT TOOTHBRUSHES TO THE POOR IN ONE OF THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS YOU DRIVE THROUGH AT NO LESS THAN 75MPH, BUT THEN I REALIZE THE MAID HASN'T ARRIVED YET AND I LOST THE KEYS TO MY CAR... KIT. IF YOU DON'T LIKE PEDOPHILES DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE. IF YOU DO LIKE PEDOPHILES DO SEE THIS MOVIE, AND NOTIFY YOUR LOCAL PRECINCT OF YOUR PREVIOUS SEX CRIMES. KIDNAPPING, DRUGS, MURDER, AND THE BALD GUY FROM 1994'S MILK MONEY MAKE GONE BABY GONE A WINNER AND WORTH THE $10.50. ENJOY MOVIE GOERS.

THE MIST (THOMAS JANE;2007)

WELL IT'S NOT THE SHINING, BUT WHAT IS? REMEMBER THE BIG SPIDER AT THE END OF STEPHEN KING'S IT? DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE? WELL IF YOU DIDN'T IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT'S A BIG FUCKIN' SPIDER AT THE END AND IT SUCKS! YOU MIGHT EXPERIENCE A LITTLE BIT OF THAT DISAPPOINTMENT. I DON'T KNOW IF THOMAS JANE THOUGHT THIS WAS THE PUNISHER 2 STARRING JOHN TRAVOLTA AS A NON-HOMOSEXUAL BAD GUY, BUT HE MIGHT WANT TO WORK ON AN ACTING TECHNIQUE REFERRED TO AS "EXPRESSIONS." THOMAS JANE MIGHT NEED AN "EXPRESSIONS" FACE DOUBLE. THE LEADING LADY IS HOT AND RESEMBLES THE ACTRESS FROM USA'S LA FEMME NIKKITA . HER "EXPRESSIONS" CONSIST OF BREASTS AND GOOD BONE STRUCTURE. IN OTHER WORDS WE HOPE TO SEE HER IN THE PUNISHER 2 OPPOSITE A BRICK WALL, GRAPEFRUIT, JOHN TRAVOLTA, OR A MILK DUD. I RECOMMEND RENTING THIS MOVIE WITH A BLOCKBUSTER COUPON OR WATCHING IT ON TBS OR TNT. MAKE A SANDWICH DURING THE CLICHE DIALOGUES CONCERNING RELIGION AND POLITICS, BUT RETURN TO THE COUCH FOR THE ENDING WHICH MADE ME ASK FOR ONLY HALF MY MONEY BACK. CHEERS. HANG IN THERE MOVIE GOERS. STEPHEN KING'S NOT BLIND YET AND JACK NICHOLSON'S STILL A 300-POUND-EYE-BROW-ARCH TOUR DE FORCE.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD (BRUCE WILLIS;2007)

DIE HARD 4 REMINDS US THAT NOTHING DID ACTION RIGHT LIKE THE REGAN ADMINISTRATION, DURING WHICH THE DIE HARD FRANCHISE BEGAN. ALCOHOLIC DIVORCEE JOHN MCCLANE IS BACK AND BEATING SHIT OUT OF ANYTHING COMPUTERIZED OR ANYONE WHO READS ABOVE A HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL. MCCLANE YET AGAIN REMINDS US THAT A COP WITHOUT ANY BACKUP, 14 ROUNDS, AND A POORLY MANAGED 401K, CAN TAKE DOWN A TEAM OF TERRORISTS IN TWO HOURS BEFORE THEY MANAGE TO COMPLETELY DESTROY THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF AN ENTIRE NATION FROM 3 LARGE VANS. YIPPEE KIE AY MOTHERFUCKER. NOT A DOLLAR WASTED ON THIS TICKET OR RENTAL.

THE FIRM (CRUISE,HACKMAN;1993)

THIS MOVIE WAS FILMED WHEN TOM CRUISE WAS STRAIGHT. YOU REMEMBER, THOSE COUPLE YEARS BETWEEN TOP GUN AND VANILLA SKY. TOM CRUISE SHOULD NEVER PLAY ANYTHING BUT AGGRESSIVE, AMBITIOUS, BORDERLINE MIDGETS WITH A FLAIR FOR THIN TIES AND WHITE T-SHIRTS. 1993'S THE FIRM CATERED PERFECTLY TO HIS ACTING MARGINS. THAT, MIXED WITH A CLEAR SCREENPLAY ADAPTED FROM A JOHN GRISHAM THRILLER AND GENE HACKMAN IN A SUPERB SUPPORTING ROLE, THAT PUTS ALEC BALDWIN TO SHAME, MAKE THIS A 5 STAR RENTAL. PUT IT IN YOUR QUEUE AND SEE IT AGAIN.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME (LA LOHAN;2007)

I ENJOY A FINE GLASS OF SCOTCH, BLUE LABEL, DEWARS, WHAT HAVE YOU, AND MAYBE YOU DO TOO. HOWEVER, EVEN IF YOU DON'T, I WOULD SUGGEST CALLING MR. BROWNSTONE AND MAINLINING A FAT BAG OF SMACK IF YOU PLAN ON BEING ENTERTAINED BY THIS DEBACLE. THIS MOVIE HAS HORRIBLE ACTING, NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, A RIDICULOUS PLOT, AND A CLOTHED LINDSAY LOHAN. I WANTED THE ENTIRE CAST SHOT BY TIME I SAW "DIRECTED BY..." SAVE YOUR FIVE BUCKS AND GO THROW FORKS IN A MICROWAVE. IT'LL BE LESS PAINFUL AND YOU'LL STILL HAVE A BILL TO ROLL.