THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER (JOHN TRAVOLTA, DEAD GIRL, GENERAL WITH BIG NOSE;1999)

ACTOR. PRODUCER. PILOT. DANCER. PHILANTHROPIST. ABSURD HALF -NAKED CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL. THERE ISN'T MUCH JOHN TRAVOLTA CAN'T DO.....EXCEPT STOP THROWING AWAY HIS CAREER EVERY TIME HE RESURRECTS IT. IN THIS MOVIE JOHN ACQUIRES THE MOST RIDICULOUS SOUTHERN ACCENT I'VE EVER HEARD. IT WAS DIFFICULT TO HEAR THE DIALOGUE OVER MY OWN LAUGHTER. I FIGURED IT OUT THOUGH: A GIRL GETS GANG RAPED BY 12 SNIPERS AT WEST POINT. YAHOO. THE ARMY COVERS IT UP UNTIL KOTTER REMOVES THE SHEETS FROM THE ARMY'S DIRTY SECRET AND EXPOSES EVENTS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN EUROPEAN PORN. JAMES WOODS DECIDED TO SPRINKLE SOME OF HIS FAIRY DUST ON THIS THRILLER BY PLAYING HIMSELF IN A SOLDIER'S UNIFORM. AND BY "HIMSELF," I MEAN THE WORST PERSON ON EARTH. I HATE JAMES WOODS.

21 (K-PAX, JIM STURGESS, AARON YOO, KATE BOSWORTH; 2008)

YOU CAN THANK ME NOW. I REALLY DON'T ENJOY BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS KEVIN SPACEY. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THAT GUY THAT MAKES ME THINK HE WOULDN'T HESITATE TO SLIP ME A MICKEY IF I LEFT MY DRINK ON THE BAR. WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, HAPPENS TO BE HIS NAME IN THIS FILM. MICKEY, IS A FORMER CARD-COUNTING DEGENERATE GAMBLER, WHO SIDELINES AS A MATHEMATICS'S PROFESSOR AT M.I.T. WHEN HE'S NOT BOFFING FRESHMAN GIRLS IN THE JANITOR'S CLOSET, OR PAYING STREET HOOKERS WITH 5$ CHIPS FROM THE BELLAGIO, MICKEY ASSEMBLES A TEAM OF M.I.T.'S BRIGHTEST TO "BREAK" VEGAS. THE TEAM CONSISTS OF FIVE STUDENTS. THREE OF WHOM ARE WORTH MENTIONING. THERE'S JIM STURGESS'S CHARACTER WHO IS THE BEST COUNTER AND INITIALLY, MOST RELUCTANT PARTICIPANT. HE LATER DISCOVERS HIS HESITATION TO FOLLOW MICKEY WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. THEN THERE'S KATE BOSWORTH'S MATH-ADDICT. THIS ONE'S RICH. SHE LOOKS LIKE THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO COULDN'T COUNT HER OWN TITS AFTER A DECADE AT ROLLINS COLLEGE. HOWEVER, IN HOLLYWOOD SHE'S AN M.I.T. MASTERMIND HIDING BIG BRAINS IN HER BREASTS. THEN THERE'S AARON YOO'S CHARACTER. SIMPLY THE BEST. HE REALLY PUTS THE FUNNY BACK IN "HEY LOOK AT THAT ASIAN KID." WHICH IS A GOOD THING, EVER SINCE CHOO: THAT GUNSLINGER AT VIRGINIA TECH WHO APPARENTLY, HAD ENOUGH OF HIS MATH CLASS. THE TWO OTHER KEY CAST MEMBERS SHOULD'VE BEEN BUDGET CUTS. THEY BROUGHT LESS TO TABLE THAN A HOMELESS MAN. YOU REALLY DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATER. IF YOU LOVED THE BOOK, "BREAKING VEGAS," YOU SHOULD STILL WAIT FOR THE DVD.....I FORGOT TO MENTION, MORPHEUS, PLAYS A PIT BOSS IN 21. OBVIOUSLY LARRY FISHBOURNE IS TOP-NOTCH. HE'S REALLY BEEN TEARING UP THE SCREEN SINCE DEEP COVER.

SLEUTH (MICHAEL CAINE, JUDE LAW; 2007)

MICHAEL CANE (MR. DESTINY, ON DEADLY GROUND) AND JUDE LAW (ALFIE, SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW) DECIDED TO DO GRAB LUNCH ONE DAY, AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. SLEUTH IS A TERRIBLE REMAKE REKINDLING THE STORY OF ANDREW WYKE AND MILO TINDLE. TWO MEN, SLEEPING WITH THE SAME WOMAN, WHO ENGAGE IN A DEADLY GAME OF "CAT & MOUSE" IN WYKE'S RIDICULOUS ENGLISH MANOR. I NEVER SAW THE ORIGINAL BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS QUITE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN IN 1972. HOWEVER, MOST PEOPLE IN '72 WERE TOASTING WITH 'LUDES SO THEY'RE OPINION IS ABOUT AS CREDIBLE AS THAT OF A STRAY CAT. THE FIRST HALF OF THIS FILM WAS ENTERTAINING AND ORIGINAL. THEN THE STRONG EROTIC UNDERTONES BETWEEN THE TWO MEN SURFACED. LEAVING THE AUDIENCE, ME, COMPLETELY BAFFLED AS TWO WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED. I STOPPED TRUSTING MICHAEL CAINE AFTER JAWS IV, SO I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO RENT THIS. THE $342,835 DOLLARS SLEUTH ACCUMULATED AT THE BOX OFFICE MIGHT HAVE BEEN ANOTHER CLUE TELLING ME SOMETHING WENT VERY, VERY WRONG HERE. HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE NOT RENTED THIS AND NEVER WILL.

DEATH AT A FUNERAL (MATTHEW MACFADYEN, PETER DINKLAGE; 2007)

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, MEET PETER DINKLAGE, THE MIDGET TO YOUR LEFT. PETER DOESN'T "DO" MAKE-UP BECAUSE HE'S ACTUALLY A MIDGET. NEEDLESS TO SAY, HE MAY BE LITTLE, BUT HE'S A BIG MIRACLE FOR FILM GOERS. IN THIS MOVIE PETER IS NO SIDE-SHOW CAMEO. HIS CHARACTER, A GAY, SNEAKY, WEE-ONE, IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE CENTRAL FIGURES OF THE FILM. I REPEAT MYSELF, GAY. SNEAKY. MIDGET. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE WAS AMAZING. I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD SINCE THE PREMIERE OF THE TWO COREYS. THE STORY FOCUSES ON EXPOSING A FAMILIES' SECRETS AT THE FAMILY'S PATRIARCH'S FUNERAL. IT ALSO FOCUSES ON A POWERFUL HALLUCINOGEN, WHICH IS MISTAKEN FOR VALIUM, AND ACCIDENTALLY CONSUMED BY MULTIPLE FAMILY MEMBERS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE ENGLISH HAVE BEEN UP TO OVER THERE, BUT APPARENTLY THEY TURNED THEIR TEA INTO BOURBON AND REALLY DROPPED THEIR PARTY BALLS. THIS MOVIE IS HYSTERICAL BUT I'M STILL GLAD WE WON.

THE REAPING, (HILLARY SWANK, ANNASOPHIA ROBB;2007)

NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS. PLEASE IGNORE THIS HIDEOUS ACCIDENT. JUST KEEP MOVING. THE NEXT OFFICER WILL DIRECT YOU TO A MOVIE THAT'S ACTUALLY WORTH $10......HILLARY SWANK, NO LONGER PLAYING MEN, HAS FINALLY PULLED HERSELF TOGETHER LONG ENOUGH TO RESEMBLE SOMETHING A MEMBER OF THE MALE POPULATION MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO IMPREGNATE. BEFORE CITIZEN-CANE 2 HERE, SHE WAS ONLY PURSUED BY

A. THINGS THAT WALKED ON 4 LEGS

B. THE PAPARRAZZI

C. HAMBURGER-GUZZLING DYKES

D. CHAD LOWE

E. ALL OF THE ABOVE

IN THE REAPING, SWANK PLAYS A PROFESSOR WHO DISPROVES "MIRACLES" THROUGH SCIENCE. IN THE SMALL TOWN OF "HAVEN." SHE FINALLY MEETS HER MATCH. IS IT REALLY A MIRACLE? OR A CULT IN OBESE MIDDLE-AMERICA? OOOOOOO. SCARY. I RECOMEND BURNING MONEY BEFORE RENTING THIS.

HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN (DON JOHNSON, MICKEY ROURKE, THE DANIEL BALDWIN; 1991)

HOW GOOD IS THIS MOVIE?...CHOCOLATE SMACK GOOD. IN 1991 THE ECONOMY WAS FINE SEXY SILVER: SELL, SELL, SELL MY SPERM FOR STOCK IN STRATTON OAKMONT. THE HOOKERS WERE SOUTHERN WHITE GIRLS AT $150 or A GATOR-TAIL RAIL. THE WOMEN WERE A FINER SHINE OF CASH MONEY THAN THE BIGGEST FUCKING DIAMOND ANY SIDE OF AFRICA... AND AXL ROSE AND KURT KOBAIN WERE WERE TOPPING THE CHARTS SIMULTANEOUSLY. THEN CAME THE REAL MAGIC: HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN. THE FIRST, AND ONLY, MOVIE THAT INSPIRED ME TO JERK OFF AND BE SOMEBODY. THIS BADASS "INFINITY" OF A "NUMBER" MADE ME, NO WAIT, TAUGHT ME, HOW TO DRINK OL' GRAND DAD ON A 2-WHEELED MACHINE, SMOKE WHATEVER I GOT, ROB BANKS, AND FUCK-BANG ANY GIRL WEARING HEELS OVER 0.00001 INCHES. THAT INCLUDES SNEAKERS, BARE FEET, AND AMPUTEES. THIS MOVIE MADE 6,992,000 DOLLARS AT THE BOX OFFICE. I'M NOW WORTH 92,000 DOLLARS. I SAW IT THAT MANY TIMES (NOT INCLUDING VIDEO). IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS AT LEAST 15 TIMES YOU'RE LOSER. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DUCT-TAPE WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY TO YOUR HEAD TO WEIGH IT DOWN AND HELP YOU BLOW YOURSELF.....THAT'S RIGHT. I JUST GOT BINGO, KID. -TMJ

FIREWALL (HARRISON FORD, PAUL BETTANY;2006)

"O.K. HARRISON. IT'S JUST A SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL. NOW, AFTER WE LITE THE CAR ON FIRE, YOU'RE GONNA JUMP OUT AND SAY, 'IF YOU DON'T LOOK GOOD, WE DON'T LOOK GOOD.'" WHAT? YOU DON'T REMEMBER HARRISON FORD'S VIDAL SASSON COMMERCIAL? NEITHER DO I, BUT IT'S THE EXTRA BODY AND SHINE IN THAT SHAMPOO THAT KEPT HIM AFLOAT BETWEEN AIR FORCE ONE AND KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: DON'T FORECLOSE BEFORE IT'S OVER. WELL, THAT AND THIS SWEET RIDE. I'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA ABOUT THE CREATION OF FIREWALL. HARRISON AND THE DIRECTOR, RICHARD LONCRAINE, WERE GETTING CANNED IN TELLURIDE WHEN DICK SAYS, "INDY, BABE, I GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR YOUR BIG COMEBACK.... YOU SEE THAT POOCH OVER THERE TIED TO THE METER? I'LL GIVE YOU A CHECK FOR 20 MILLION DOLLARS IF YOU GO OVER AND SCREW IT. WE'LL CALL IT.....FIREWALL." THIS MOVIE STARS HARRISON FORD AS JACK STANFIELD. STANFIELD DOES NOT CARRY A WHIP. THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. THIS SUCKED. HAPPY EASTER.

BLOOD DIAMOND (LEO DICAPRIO, DJIMON HOUNSOU, JENNIFER CONNELLY;2006)

IN BETWEEN FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING BY BURNING FUEL ON HIS PRIVATE JET, LEONARDO DICAPRIO TACKLED THE TOPIC OF THE "LIMBS FOR DIAMONDS" TRADE IN THIS HYPOCRITICAL HOLLYWOOD SERMON. THIS FILM WAS SET IN THE EARLY 90'S AGAINST THE BACKDROP OF THE CIVIL WAR IN SIERRA LEONE. HOLLYWOOD, ONCE AGAIN SUPPORTED A IDEALISTIC CAUSE WHICH IT CAN ONLY JUSTIFY THROUGH RELATIVE CHARITY DONATIONS. FOR EXAMPLE, TO THE AVERAGE WORKER, THAT MEANS, YOU DONATE AN M&M TO OPRAH'S SCHOOL WITH EVERY 110$ YOU EARN AND HOPE A CHOCOLATE "V" CURES AIDS OUTSIDE CAPETOWN. DICAPRIO'S CHARACTER, MERCENARY DANNY ARCHER, IRONICALLY TARGETS A RARE PINK DIAMOND AS HIS BULLS-EYE OUT OF A LIFE HE CONSIDERS HELL. UNFORTUNATELY, AS WELL AS DICAPRIO PLAYS HIS CHARACTER, HIS LOOKS AND CHARM ONLY WORK FOR THE BEGINNING AND END OF THE FILM. HOWEVER, HIS CHARACTER FAILED TO CONVINCE ME THAT HE TRANSFORMED FROM A MAN THAT WOULD'VE PUT THE BULLET IN OLD YELLER'S HEAD, INTO A MAN WILLING TO DIE FOR A DIAMOND DIGGING SLAVE WHO'S SON WAS KIDNAPPED BY REBELS. ASIDE FROM THAT THE MOVIE'S STILL A REAL HOOT.

DOOMSDAY, (RHONA MITRA, BOB HOSKINS, ALEXANDER SIDDIG; 2008)

UNABLE TO FIND A PRODUCTION PHOTO FROM THE FILM, I DECIDED TO POST A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK DRIVING DOWN THE 405 FREEWAY DURING RUSH HOUR.....I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAW THIS. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FORGET THIS MOVIE FOR THE PAST 24 HOURS. BOB HOSKINS MUST BE LETTING A BOWL OF CHEERIOS CHOOSE HIS ROLES, BECAUSE AT ONE POINT, THAT POOR BASTARD WAS A REAL ACTOR. DOOMSDAY IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU REMAKE THE ROAD WARRIOR WITHOUT MEL GIBSON. WHO, COINCIDENTALLY, WAS PREPPING FOR A SEQUEL ABOUT A YEAR AGO WHEN HE WAS GOING 80MPH DOWN PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY, WHILE SCREAMING AT JEWS AND BUCKLING A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT. THAT WAS FINEST EXAMPLE OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'VE EVER HEARD. IN THIS WRECK, SCOTLAND IS QUARANTINED AFTER A BREAKOUT OF THE "REAPER" VIRUS. EVERYONE IN GLASGOW AND SURROUNDING AREAS IS LEFT TO DIE. MUCH LIKE THE BRONX. HOWEVER, SOME PEOPLE WERE IMMUNE. THESE PEOPLE DIVIDED INTO TWO GROUPS: THE INNER-CITY CANNIBALS AND THOSE WHO MOVED INTO CASTLES IN THE HILLS. THE CASTLE PEOPLE LITERALLY REPLICATE MEDIEVAL SOCIETY. IT'S HYSTERICAL. THE CANNIBALS REPLICATE THE LOWER EAST SIDE OF MANHATTAN IN THE MID-80'S. ONCE THE GOVERNMENT REALIZES PEOPLE SURVIVED, THEY SEND A TEAM OF BAD-ASSES INTO SCOTLAND TO OBTAIN A CURE. THE LEADER OF THIS TEAM IS A ONE-EYED MODEL. ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I CAN'T GO ON. THIS MOVIE WAS AWFUL. SEE IT ONLY FOR A GOOD LAUGH AT WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN MAKING A FILM.

THE BANK JOB (JASON STATHAM, SAFFRON BURROWS; 2008)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SET OF THE TRANSPORTER 2: DEPORTATION, BUT APPARENTLY SOMEONE SNUCK INTO JASON STATHAM’S TRAILER AND GAVE HIM ACTING LESSONS. HOWEVER, GOOD ACTING DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR A BAD SCRIPT, UNLESS OF COURSE, IT’S GIGLI. LUCKILY, THIS SAME ACTING COACH TAUGHT JASON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD SCRIPT AND A BAD SCRIPT. AS IN, SNATCH: GOOD, CRANK: BAD. PRETTY SIMPLE STUFF FOR THE LAYMAN TO GRASP BUT NOT FOR THE WILDLY CREATIVE MINDS OF BRILLIANT ACTORS SUCH AS JASON STATHAM. IN THIS SURPRISINGLY ENTERTAINING FILM, STATHAM ORGANIZES A GROUP OF PETTY THIEVES TO PULL OFF THEIR FIRST MAJOR HEIST. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ROB 300 SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES WHICH CONTAIN DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PHOTOS OF THE ROYAL FAMILY, AND DOCUMENTED PAYMENTS TO CORRUPT COPS. AFTER RECOGNIZING THAT EVERYONE ON EVERY SIDE OF THE LAW IS QUICKLY TRYING TO KILL THEM, THE GROUP MUST DRASTICALLY CHANGE THEIR INITIAL ESCAPE PLAN. I RECOMMEND MAKING THIS THE NEXT FILM YOU SEE.

PERFUME: A STORY OF MURDER (DUSTIN HOFFMAN, HANS GRUBER, BEN WISHAW, SMELLY GIRLS; 2006)

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I’VE SEEN SINCE 1985’S OUT OF AFRICA. THIS ROMP STARS THE REAL "HOFF" AS A 17TH CENTURY PERFUMIST. LIKE THE MOVIE JERK, HE’S GOT A REAL NOSE FOR ADVENTURE. THE STORY FOCUSES ON A GHETTO CHILD WHO’S BEEN SNEAKING UP ON CHICKS IN BACK ALLEYS AND SMELLING THEM. LITERALLY, HE SNEAKS UP, QUIET AS LARYNGITIS, AND SNIFFS THEIR NECKS, FOR STARTERS. NOW, ACCORDING TO HISTORY, THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL 17TH CENTURY BEHAVIOR. WE FORGET HOW WE USED TO ENTERTAIN OURSELVES BEFORE SEINFELD. SOME OF US PLAYED "WHO CAN HOLD THEIR BALLS OVER A CANDLE LONGER," SOME OF US WOULD JOUST, AND SOME WOULD SMELL OTHER INDIVIDUALS ON DARK CITY STREETS. THE PROBLEM IS, OUR PROTAGONIST, JEAN-BAPTISTE, TAKES HIS NASAL ASSAULTS TOO FAR, AND SOME OF THESE STINKY BROADS END UP DEAD. HOWEVER, THERE’S ONE VICTIM, WHO’S SMELL INFATUATES JEAN-BAPTISTE. HE TRIES TO RECAPTURE HER SCENT IN A PERFUME WITH THE HELP OF HIS NEWLY ACQUIRED "MASTER," PLAYED BY THE "HOFF 1." THE MOVIE IS WORTH RENTING IF YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING STRANGER THAN TOM CRUISE. IT’S SLOW AND LONG (2HR 35MIN) BUT DEFINITELY ORIGINAL. THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAD WITH PERFUME, IS THAT I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE REALLY SMELLED IN 17TH CENTURY FRANCE. I IMAGINE THEY SMELLED SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TO THE WAY THEY DO TODAY. WHICH IS AN ALARMING SCENT, BARING A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO A MIXTURE OF GOAT CHEESE, CANTALOUPE, AND RHINO SHIT.

THE DEPARTED (JACK, LEONARDO DICAPRIO, BENAMON, MARK WAHLBERG; 2006)

"....SO GET THIS MARTY, I SEZ TO HER, 'YEAH, I WAS NAKED IN THE POOL SCENE ON THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK.' 'THAT IS IF YOU CALL GETTIN' UNDER WATER HEAD, NAKED.' 'MAN..FUCK ME..I'VE WORN MORE MOUTHS THAN PANTS.' 'HAHAHA.' 'SO WHERE'S THE RAPPER AND THAT KID WHO STOLE MY OSCAR IN '98?'" I LIKE TO MAKE FUN OF NICHOLSON BECAUSE HE GETS SO MUCH ASS, HE ACTUALLY NAILED A SPITZER. HOWEVER, IT WAS THE 70'S AND BEATTY WAS MATCH-MAKING PURE-BREDS FASTER THAN DAVID LEE ROTH BOUGHT ASSLESS CHAPS. IT'S SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO MAKE FUN OF MINORITIES IN THE LITERAL SENSE OF THE WORD. FOR EXAMPLE, I DUMPED OFF A BUCKET OF MY OWN SHIT LAST WEEK AT THE LOS ANGELES HOUSE OF ENVIRONMENTALISM. I FIGURED THOSE FUCKERS WERE RUNNING LOW ON GAS AND PROTEIN. I FELT IT WAS ONLY RIGHT TO THROW THEM A TURD MADE OF WHISKEY, DIESEL, BROCCOLI, BLOW, AND REALITY. I'M SURE YOU ALL HAVE SEEN THIS MASTERPIECE. IF NOT, YOU'RE TWICE THE IDIOT.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME (CHRISTIAN SLATER, SAMANTHA MATHIS, DIVINITY; 1990)

IN THE SUMMER OF 1990 SOMETHING AMAZINGLY SWEET HAPPENED. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER READING ABOUT THIS EVENT IN THE NEWS. TWO ESKIMO PEOPLE WERE FISHING OFF A HIGH RURAL BLUFF NEAR LEMINGTON, ONTARIO, WHEN THEY SPOTTED WHAT APPEARED TO BE TWO MEN WALKING ON WATER ACROSS LAKE EERIE. WHEN THEIR STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS COMPLETELY FABRICATED; SEEING AS HOW IT WAS A POOR FISHING SEASON AND THESE ESKIMOS NEEDED THE FUNDS. THOSE WHO BELIEVED THE INUITS, HOWEVER, BELIEVED THEY’D SEEN TWO JESUSES, OR PERHAPS TWO RESTLESS SPIRITS OF THE ANCIENT HURON OR IROQUOIS TRIBE. (TWO WARRING FACTIONS OF INDIANS WHO HAD RUTHLESSLY BATTLED EACH OTHER OFF THE SOUTHERN COAST OF LAKE EERIE HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO). I’M HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT IT WAS NEITHER MULTIPLE JESI, NOR NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRITS, BUT NONE OTHER THAN CHRISTIAN SLATER AND RAY LIOTTA. TODAY, WE KNOW FROM SCIENTIFIC DNA RESEARCH FROM CSI: MIAMI, THAT THE HEAVENS HAD BESTOWED THE GIFT OF "WATER-WALKING" UPON THESE TWO ACTORS FOR THE CONTRIBUTIONS THEY MADE TO AMERICAN CINEMA IN 1990. RAY LIOTTA WITH GOODFELLAS, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, CHRISTIAN SLATER WITH PUMP UP THE VOLUME. HOWEVER, THEIR "GIFT" WAS BITTERSWEET. THE CATCH WAS THAT, AFTER THEY WALKED ON WATER, EACH ACTOR COULD ONLY CHOSE ONE MORE ROLE FOR THE WORLD TO REMEMBER THEM BY. SLATER, WITH THE LORD’S BLESSING, CHOSE TRUE ROMANCE. LIOTTA, SHORTLY BEFORE GOING TO HELL, CHOSE TURBULENCE. NEITHER HAS EVER BEEN HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU NEVER SAW PUMP UP THE VOLUME, YOU WERE NEVER AS COOL AS YOU THINK.

RICOCHET (DENZEL WASHINGTON, JOHN LITHGOW, ICED-T;1991)

BEFORE TRAINING DAY. BEFORE THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN. BEFORE DÉJÀ VU….AFTER GLORY AND TERMS OF ENDEARMENT. THERE WAS RICOCHET. WHEN THIS MOVIE REEL OF ACTION-DRAMA-MADNESS WAS RELEASED IN THE FALL OF 1991 IT PERMEATED THE AMERICAN PSYCHE FASTER THAN THE CRACK EPIDEMIC. THE NEW YORK TIMES APPROPRIATELY REFERRED TO RICOCHET AS, "THE BLACK DIE HARD." THE TIMES ALSO WROTE, "DENZEL WASHINGTON IS PROBABLY LIMITED TO HAVING SEX WITH ONLY HIMSELF BECAUSE HE’S THAT HOT RIGHT NOW." THE TIMES THEN COMMENTED ON JOHN LITHGOW’S PERFORMANCE WITH, "LITHGOW GETS INSIDE THE MIND OF A SOCIOPATHIC KILLER LIKE A BANANA GETS INSIDE ITS PEEL: IT’S JUST BORN THAT WAY." SHORTLY AFTER SEEING RICOCHET, THE SENIOR EDITOR FOR THE WASHINGTON POST, LEX NICKELS, WAS QUOTED SAYING, "I’D RATHER SEE THAT MOVIE AGAIN THAN GET BLOWN." …..IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN THE STORY, RICOCHET, FOLLOWS NICK STYLES, A RISING LAWYER FROM THE STREETS WHO WAS SHOT TO STARDOM WITH ONE BIG ARREST. UNFORTUNATELY, HE ARRESTED AN OBSESSIVE PSYCHOPATH WHO CONTINUES TO LIVE FOR ONE REASON: TO MAKE STYLES SUFFER. I SAW THIS FILM IN THEATRES AND RENTED IT AGAIN LAST NIGHT. IT’S SOMETHING SPECIAL. IT’S ALSO HYSTERICAL WHEN IT’S REALLY NOT TRYING TO BE. DROP THIS BOMB IN YOUR QUEUE FOR OLD TIMES SAKE, AND FOR ICED-T.

AWAKE (HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, JESSICA ALBA; 2007)

THE ONLY WAY THIS MOVIE COULD BE ANY WORSE IS IF YOU COULD TASTE IT. WHICH WOULD BE HORRIBLE. BECAUSE THIS MOVIE’S A PIECE OF SHIT. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN SHOULD BE WORKING AT TACO BELL, NOT MAKING FEATURE FILMS. I’VE SEEN MY COLLIE GIVE BETTER PERFORMANCES FOR BISCUITS THEN THIS GUY DOES AS AN "ACTOR." THIS STORY FOCUSES ON A RICH KID WITH A BAD HEART. WHICH GETS CONFUSING. IN ONE SCENE HIS HEART ACTS UP WHEN HE DESCENDS A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. YET, IN THE NEXT SCENE HE’S PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF SEXING UP JESSICA ALBA’S DARK ANGEL. APPARENTLY, THE HEART AND PENIS ARE COMPLETELY SINGULAR ENTITIES. ONE HAVING NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OTHER. WHICH IS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL WOMEN FOR YEARS. LEAVE IT TO HAYDEN TO STEAL MY THUNDER. BASTARD. ANYWAY, HAYDEN’S CHARACTER IS SCHEDULED TO HAVE A HEART TRANSPLANT. WHILE UNDER THE KNIFE HIS ANESTHETIC FAILS. LEAVING HIM TO OVERHEAR HIS SURGEONS’ PLANS TO KILL HIM AND STEAL HIS FORTUNE. I FOUND IT EXTRAORDINARY THAT THIS KID WAS ABLE TO LISTEN TO THE DOCTORS’ DIABOLIC SCHEME WHILE THEY LITERALLY RIP HIS CHEST OPEN. ABSURD. THE ENDING IS THE WORST PART OF THE FILM. IT WAS LIKE BEING FINISHED OFF WITH A KICK IN THE NUTS AFTER GETTING SHIT-BEAT. IF YOU STUPIDLY RENT THIS, BE SURE NOT TO STAY AWAKE.......BOO YA! SHAZAM!

10,000 B.C. (STEVEN STRAIT, CARNILLA BELLE, CLIFF CURTIS; 2008)

TO YOUR LEFT YOU'LL SEE THE STAR OF THIS EPIC: THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH. TURNS OUT, THIS TUSKED ACTOR IS ACTUALLY JACK NICHOLSON IN A BODY WIG. THE STUDIO OFFERED A FAT SUIT, BUT, IN TRUE BRANDO FASHION, JACK APPEARED ON THE SET 8 TONS OVER ANY ELEVATOR'S MAXIMUM CAPACITY. NICHOLSON THEN PROCEEDED TO PERFECT HIS CRAFT BY MASTURBATING IN THE SET'S PORTO-POTTY, UNAWARE THAT HIS MICROPHONE WAS STILL ON. APPARENTLY, ALL THE CAST OVERHEARD WAS, "C'MON LITTLE BUDDY, NOBODY REMEMBERS THE TWO JAKES." THIS COMMENT WAS FOLLOWED BY A "JOKER'S" CACKLE AND A GRUNT OF RELIEF. EXPECT A PAGAN ELEPHANT AT THE 2008 OSCARS. O.K. THEN.... 10,000 B.C. IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HOLLYWOOD FUCKS UP LEGENDS OF THE FALL, LAST OF THE MOHICANS, AND/OR BRAVEHEART. AT ITS BASE, THIS FILM IS A LOVE STORY THAT COULD'VE HAD MORE MEANING IF IT TOOK PLACE IN 2,000 A.D. IN AN EXXON BATHROOM. AT ITS ZENITH, THIS MOVIE IS A SLAVE REVOLT IN AN EGYPT UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, THE FINAL BATTLE, TAKES PLACE AT "THE END OF THE WORLD." HOWEVER, IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ANYONE WITH A 3RD GRADE EDUCATION, TO NOT MAKE COMPARISONS BETWEEN "THE END OF THE WORLD," AND COCK-SMOKING, SLAVE-DRIVING, FUCKHEAD PHARAOHS, WHO HAD A KNACK FOR MATH AND AN OBSESSION WITH 3-D TRIANGLES. THE MOST HYSTERICAL SCENE WAS WITNESSING THE ENEMIES' GOD. I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS MR. BELVEDERE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THIS LAUGH, DO IT IN THEATRES. IT'S SCENIC. IF YOU PLAN TO RENT IT, I RECOMMEND SQUIRTING LEMON JUICE IN YOUR EYES.....BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A REAL "GOOD TIME." -TMJ

DEAD SILENCE (AMBER VALLETTA, RYAN KWANTEN, DONNIE WAHLBERG;2007)

DONNIE WAHLBERG APPROACHES LIFE WITH THE SUBTLETY OF A FREIGHT TRAIN. AFTER PROVING HIMSELF AS AN ENTERTAINING PHENOMENON IN NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, DONNIE DECIDED TO SET SAIL IN THE SEA OF ACTING. I BELIEVE WITH DEAD SILENCE, MR. WAHLBERG HAS FINALLY FOUND HIS WHITE WHALE. I HEARD HE'S SO DEDICATED TO HIS CRAFT THAT HE REFUSES TO USE A PERSON FOR A STUNT DOUBLE. TRUE TO HIS AUDIENCE AND CRITICS, WAHLBERG INSISTS HIS STUNT DOUBLE ALWAYS BE A SOCK PUPPET. HE CLAIMS NO MAN CAN CAPTURE THE EMOTION HE EXPRESSES ON SCREEN BETTER THAN SOME CLOTH AND A SHARPIE. THAT'S THE TYPE OF CONFIDENCE HOLLYWOOD CAN'T TAKE FROM YOU. NO MATTER WHAT MOVIE YOU'RE CAST IN. DEAD SILENCE IS THE STORY OF MARY SHAW, A CHILD MURDERER, AND PUPPETEER, WHO WAS BRUTALLY KILLED BY THE LOCAL RESIDENTS OF THE TOWN, RAVENS FAIR. AFTER HER MURDER, HER PUPPETS HAUNT RAVEN'S FAIR FOR MANY YEARS. USUALLY, I'D WARN THAT THIS TYPE OF FILM IS ABOUT AS ENTERTAINING AS URINATING. HOWEVER, WITH WAHLBERG'S ON SCREEN PROWESS, I'D SAY IT'S UP THERE WITH TAKING A DUMP. ALRIGHTY THEN, STAY TUNED FOR THE MOVIE JERK'S REVIEW OF 10,000 B.C. ARRIVING TOMORROW AT SOME POINT! -TMJ

DEFINETLY, MAYBE (RYAN REYNOLDS, ABIGAIL BRESLIN, SLUTES;2008)

SORRY I'M LATE. I SNEAKILY TURNED ON MY CELLULAR TELEPHONE MID-FLIGHT CAUSING THE PLANE TO IMMEDIATELY PLUMMET INTO IDAHO. HOME OF THE LARGEST POTATO. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE PEOPLE DO. THERE ARE FEW THINGS MORE SATISFYING THAN STOMPING ONE'S ALCOHOL INDUCED DIARRHEA DOWN A STRANGER'S BATHTUB DRAIN. DON'T YOU LOOK AWAY. YOU'VE BEEN THERE. ONE THING THAT NEVER LOSES IT'S APPEAL HOWEVER, IS WATCHING OTHERS' DREAMS GET SHATTERED IN THE BIG APPLE. IN THIS ROMANTIC COMEDY RYAN REYNOLD'S TELLS HIS DAUGHTER ABOUT THE MULTIPLE PARTNERS HE HAD IN NEW YORK. REYNOLDS USES FICTITIOUS NAMES FOR EACH WOMAN. LEAVING HIS DAUGHTER TO GUESS WHICH ONE BECAME HER MOTHER. BASICALLY, THE PLOT DISGUISES HORRIBLE PARENTING WITH A CUTE STORY. WHY ANY FATHER WOULD GO THROUGH HIS LIST OF HO'S WITH HIS DAUGHTER IS BEYOND ME. FOR THE NEXT 40 YEARS HER PRIMARY COPING MECHANISMS ARE GOING TO BE A BOTTLE OF GIN AND HUMPING ANYTHING THAT MILDLY RESEMBLES A PENIS. HOWEVER, FOR THE AUDIENCE, THIS LIST OF FAILED RELATIONSHIPS TURNS INTO QUITE A HUMOROUS STORY. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT'S REINFORCED BY VAN WILDER'S SKILLFUL COMIC DELIVERY. IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND, DAUGHTER, FREQUENT PROSTITUTE, OR ANY OTHER WOMAN DRAGS YOU TO THIS FILM, DON'T PUT UP A FIGHT. THERE ARE FAR WORSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES OUT THERE. MOST OF WHICH STAR HUGH GRANT.

CAPOTE (PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, CATHERINE KEENER; 2005)

THERE'S NO ARGUMENT THAT THE ACTING IN THIS FILM ISN'T ANYTHING SHY OF ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. THIS MOVIE WAS ALSO FASCINATING BECAUSE IT INFORMS THE VIEWER OF THOSE LITTLE DETAILS WHICH WERE OVERLOOKED BY OUR ENGLISH TEACHERS. FOR EXAMPLE, I NEVER KNEW THAT TRUMAN CAPOTE TRUMPED RICHARD SIMMONS AS THE MOST OBNOXIOUS HOMOSEXUAL TO EVER WALK THE PLANET....AND IT TURNS OUT HARPER LEE WAS A WOMAN. UGLY AS SHIT RUN OVER TWICE, BUT A WOMAN NONETHELESS. I WOULD'VE NEVER GUESSED THAT A LADY WHO COULDN'T SEDUCE A POGO-STICK COULD'VE SO WELL CAPTURED RACISM AND, NAMELY, GENDER ROLES IN THE DEEP SOUTH (SEE TO KILL A MOCKING BIRD). ANYWAY, WITH MY ABSURDLY OPEN-MINDED VIEWS ASIDE, THIS FILM IS AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING, NEW CLASSIC, AND WORTH RENTING IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT ALREADY. HOWEVER, IF YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO WATCH HOFFMAN REIGN AS A SLOVENLY FORMER CHILD STAR IN ALONG CAME POLLY, I RECOMMEND INCUDING THAT IN YOUR QUEUE AS WELL. VERY DIFFERENT, YET STILL, A HEART-WRENCHING PORTRAYAL OF ANOTHER HORRIBLY FLAWED CHARACTER. -TMJ

BEOWULF (ANGELINA JOLIE, RAY WINSTONE;2007)

THIS IS THE STORY OF BEOWULF WITH A "U." B-WULF WAS A FIERCE WARRIOR WHO WAS GIVEN HIS KINGSHIP AFTER HE SLAYED A "GRENDEL" AND HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A WITCH WHO LIVED IN A CAVE.... UNLIKE THE MOVIE JERK, WHO KILLED A "HANDLE" AND HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A BITCH WHO LIVED IN A STUDIO. THE WITCH LADY, PLAYED BY ANGELINA "BATSHIT CRAZY" JOLIE, COULDN'T GET TO THE CLINIC IN TIME, AND BIRTHED A MONSTER WHO CAN TURN INTO A DRAGON. PRETTY STANDARD FOR A BASTARD CHILD WITHOUT ANY FATHER-FIGURE. ANYWAY, THIS EVENTUALLY LEADS TO A SERIOUS FATHER / SON CONFRONTATION. I'LL STOP THERE TO SAVE THE ENDING. THE MOVIE JERK WAS SOMEWHAT IMPRESSED WITH THIS LITTLE NUMBER. THE LAST TIME ANIMATION GAVE ME AN ERECTION I WAS WATCHING WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT? SO, NICE JOB JOLIE, YOU'RE "ACTING" HAS AROUSED THE AUDIENCE ONCE AGAIN. FOR ALL THE HISTORY MAJORS OUT THERE, I BELIEVE SCREENWRITER ROGER GAMAN CUT OUT A FARE AMOUNT OF THE ORIGINAL EPIC TALE. FORTUNATELY, BY THE TIME I'M 50, THEY'LL HAVE TURNED THE ODYSSEY INTO A POP-UP BOOK. WHICH MEANS I'LL FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THOSE ENGLISH PROFESSORS WERE SO EXCITED ABOUT. BEOWULF IS WORTH THE RENT. - TMJ