THE MOVIE JERK WILL BE POSTING TONIGHT ON SOMETHING YOU'D NEVER WATCH ANYWAY. WRITE LIKE YOU TALK. THINK LIKE YOU SPEAK. -TMJ

GET SMART (STEVE CARELL, A ROCK, ANNE HATHAWAY;2008)

STEVE CARELL IS SUCH A NICE GUY ISN'T HE? I WAS HOPING ANNE HATHAWAY, THAT COW-EYED HUMOR MINE, WOULD'VE CHOSEN MY SCRIPT OVER GET SMART. IT DIDN'T REQUIRE MUCH CHARACTER DEPTH AND WAS APTLY TITLED, THE DEVIL WEARS ANNE HATHAWAY. HOWEVER I SETTLED FOR THIS LOVELY LITTLE REMAKE. A ROCK'S IN THIS. YES HE IS. AREN'T YOU? YOU HORRIBLE ACTOR. STEVE CARELL PLAYS A BUMBLING SECRET AGENT BETTER THAN ANYONE. EVEN WITH THIS LACKLUSTER SCRIPT THE MOVIE JERK STILL RECOMMENDS SEEING THIS TONIGHT IF YOU LIKE STEVE CARELL, OR ANNE HATHAWAY, OR A ROCK I SUPPOSE. GOOD LUCK.

THE HAPPENING (MARK WAHLBERG, ZOOEY DESCHANEL, ASHLYN SANCHEZ, TREES, THE WIND;2008)

THAT MY DEAR FANS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK AVOIDING HIGH GAS PRICES BY RUNNING TO SOUTHAMPTON TO AVOID THE HORRORS OF A WEEKEND STUCK IN MANHATTAN. WELL, THAT AND/OR AVOIDING ANOTHER DUI. GOD. I CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE HARLEM IT’S SO HOT. QUICK EVERYONE! TO THE JITNEY BEFORE THEY HEAR US! AHHH YES. M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: INDIAN. GIVER. MOVER. SHAKER. BAD FILM MAKER. JUST AS I SUSPECTED, M, AS HE’S REFERRED TO BY THE SUPERCOOL, HAS MADE ANOTHER EXCELLENT PREVIEW FOLLOWED BY ANOTHER TERRIBLE MOVIE. M, YOU ARE THE COAL IN MY STOCKING. THE RASH ON MY ASS. THE PIMP WHO CLAIMS I DIDN’T PAY HIM. THE FAT GIRL I WAS TOO NICE TO AND THE SKINNY ONE I CAN’T AFFORD. STOP FUCKING ME WITH YOUR TRAILERS AND PAY BRUCE WILLIS TO BRING YOU A HIT. THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY AN INDEPENDENT HORROR FILM ABOUT THE DANGERS OF GLOBAL WARMING. LITERALLY. I CAN’T SAY ANYMORE IN CASE YOU ACCIDENTALLY FALL INTO A THEATER AND WATCH THIS ATROCITY.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK TOO (NOT ERIC BANA, NOT JENNIFER CONNELLY, SAME GREEN MACHINE;2008)

THE IMAGE TO YOUR LEFT IS ACTUALLY OF THE MOVIE JERK WATCHING THE INCREDIBLE HULK. THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE SEEN SINCE IN THE BEDROOM. THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS COOL AS MAKING THE EXACT SAME MOVIE TWICE. THE FIRST WAS BANG LEE'S 2003 DISASTER, HULK. IN THIS ONE, DR. BRUCE BANNER IS HIDING IN THE FAVELAS OF BRAZIL ATTENDING GAMMA ANONYMOUS MEETINGS AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR BEING THE COOLEST GUY AT THE BAR:

BANNER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF BLUE MOON?

BARTENDER: YOU SEE THAT KEG OVER THERE CHIEF? IT'S TAPPED. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.

BANNER: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!

BARTENDER: I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY. HOW 'BOUT A BUD LIGHT?

BANNER: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!

BARTENDER: YO MAN. YOU LOOK PRETTY GREEN. IF YOU'RE GONNA PUKE DO IT OUT SIDE.

BANNER: HULK SMASH!

BARTENDER: NOT BEFORE "HULK" PAYS TAB ASSHOLE.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID, BANNER IS ON THE RUN, HIDING IN BRAZIL. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH BRAZIL, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF SKINNY, WHITE, AMERICAN MALES OVER THERE IS APPROXIMATELY 90 MINUTES. SO UNLESS BANNER WERE THE HULK FULL TIME, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD NEVER FIND HIM IN BRAZIL BECAUSE HE WOULD'VE BEEN CHOPPED UP AND STIRRED INTO A BATCH OF COCAINE. ONLY TO BE SHIPPED BACK TO AMERICA ON "GO FAST" BOATS AND SNORTED BY TOMMY LEE. SUBJECTING US TO ANOTHER 50 YEARS OF HORRIBLE DRUMMING.

THE REST OF THIS MOVIE IS THE EXACT SAME AS 2003'S HULK EXCEPT WITHOUT THE SPECIAL TREAT OF NICK NOLTE. THIS MOVIE IS MUY MUY BAD.

FUNNY GAMES (NAOMI WATTS, TIM ROTH, MICHAEL PITT; 2008 A.D.)

THIS FOOD BABY WAS ABOUT A FUN AS PASSING A KIDNEY STONE. IN THIS TERRIBLE PIECE, TWO CLOWNS IN TENNIS WHITES INVADE WEALTHY SUMMER HOMES AND KILL ENTIRE FAMILIES VIA THEIR SICK GAMES. NATURALLY LAW ENFORCEMENT IS NO WHERE TO BE FOUND THROUGHOUT THE FILM. APPARENTLY NO ONE NOTICES WHEN THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF FISHER'S ISLAND FALLS OFF THE MAP. ASSININE. OUR CULPRITS ARE TWO WELL SPOKEN, WEIRD GEEKS IN TENNIS WHITES WHO COME TO PEOPLE'S FRONT DOORS AND POLITELY ASK FOR EGGS. WHAT FUCKING PRODUCER IS GREENLIGHTING THIS SHIT? WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS UP TO THE MOVIE JERK'S DOOR UNANNOUNCED ASKING FOR EGGS I ASSUME HE, OR SHE, IS ONE OF A FEW THINGS:

A. HE'S SOME FUCKING 'MO I ACCIDENTLY CONVERSED WITH THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WHEN HE APPEARED TO BE A WOMAN.

B. MY DEALER CALLED IN SICK AND SENT HIS COUSIN JULIO.

C. IT'S AN EX-GIRLFRIEND I DATED FOR 3 WEEKS IN BLACK OUT. SHE EITHER WANTS HER GOLDFISH BACK OR IS TRYING TO SLAP A FUCK ON BEFORE WORK.

D. MY CHILD.

KEEP YOUR DOOR SHUT. DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS AND DON'T RENT THIS HUNK OF CRAP.

CASSANDRA'S DREAM (COLIN FARRELL, EWAN "SHOULD BE 'IAN'" MCGREGOR, SLUTES, PILLS, MURDER, AND A BOAT NAMED CASSANDRA'S DREAM;2008)

ISN'T ACTING SOOO GREAT? MWHHAHAAHAHA. IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY CASSANDRA WAS THE LOVE INTEREST OF APOLLO. WHOM I RESEMBLE. IN ORDER TO GET CASSANDRA TO GAG ON HIS SUNBEAM APOLLO GIVES CASSANDRA THE GIFT OF PROPHECY. THE MODERN EQUIVALENT OF WHICH IS STRONG HALLUCINOGENS. "DAS RIGHT BABY, WE GOING TO THA STARS." ANYWAY, WHEN CASSANDRA STILL DOESN'T EXPRESS INTEREST IN THE SUN GOD, HE PUTS A CURSE ON HER. THE CURSE IS THAT NOBODY WILL EVER BELIEVE CASSANDRAS'S PROPHECIES THOUGH THEY BE TRUE. SO FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE SHE WALKS AROUND GREECE BABBLING ABOUT TROJAN HORSES AND WARS COMING AND GLORY HOLES DOWNTOWN AND THE LIKE. BASICALLY SHE BECOMES SHARON STONE. THE POINT OF THIS HISTORY LESSON IS THAT CASSANDRA'S DREAM IS NOT A GOOD NAME FOR A BOAT. YET LEAVE IT TO 2 DRUNK IRISH ACTORS TO NAME THEIR SAILBOAT AFTER A CURSED GREEK PRUDE. SURE ENOUGH, AFTER OUR TWO STARS, WHO ARE BROTHERS, NAME THEIR NEW BOAT THEIR LIVES FALL TO SHIT. IN THIS MOVIE FARRELL PLAYS A DEGENERATE GAMBLER / PILL POPPING DRUNK. BASICALLY HIMSELF BUT POOR. MCGREGOR IS JUST HAPPY TO BE WORKING. WHEN THEIR FINANCIAL STRAITS BECOME A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND FARELL FALLS INTO DEBT WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE, THE 2 BROTHERS TURN TO THEIR RICH UNCLE FOR QUICK CASH. HOWEVER, HE ASKS FOR A FAVOR IN RETURN. A FAVOR WHICH SHATTERS EACH BROTHER'S MORAL COMPASS AND REDEFINES THEIR BONDS TO FAMILY, MONEY, AND WOMEN. TMJ GIVES WOODY ALLEN'S LATEST 15 STARS AND A CUPCAKE WITH A TRICK CANDLE.

NATIONAL TREASURE 2: BOOK OF SECRETS (NICOLAS CAGE, ED HARRIS, JON VOIGHT, DIANE KRUGER, GROSSLY DISTORTED HISTORY;2007)

REPORTER: "MR. CAGE THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. I'D LIKE TO BEGIN BY ASKING YOU ABOUT THE RUMOURS THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY JESUS CHRIST."

CAGE: "WELL BARBARA. THOUGH I'M NOT ACTUALLY J.C. I CAN SEE HOW PEOPLE MIGHT CONFUSE US. FIRST OF ALL, LIKE JESUS, I'M VERY MODEST. I OWN 13 HOMES AROUND THE WORLD BUT THEY'RE ALL SOLAR POWERED. EVEN THE CASTLE IN SCOTLAND. GRANTED I HAD TO BY ULTRA-VIOLET LAMPS TO HEAT THE SOLAR PANELS BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS RAINING OVER THERE. HOWEVER, THE POINT IS, I DEPRIVE MYSELF OF REAL ELECTRICITY TO HELP FEED THE MASSES. A LOT OF ACTORS WOULDN'T DO THAT. SECONDLY, I CARE ABOUT THE HOMELESS. JUST THE OTHER DAY I GAVE THIS UNFORTUNATE LITTLE THING THE KEYS TO MY BENTLEY. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT MATERIAL POSSESSIONS BARB. THE LOOK IN HIS EYES WAS SO MUCH MORE REWARDING THEN A 250,000 DOLLAR PIECE OF MACHINERY...AND I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT HE SAID TO ME BEFORE HE SPED THROUGH 4 RED LIGHTS. HE LOOKED AT ME OVER THE PASSENGER DOOR AND YELLED, 'YO, AIN'T YOU THE MOTHAFUCKA FROM FACEBOOK?' TO WHICH I REPLIED, 'NO MY FRIEND. THAT WAS FACE-OFF.' FACE-OFF WAS A BLOCKBUSTER I HEADLINED IN 1997. I'M SURE YOU REMEMBER. THIRDLY, I OFTEN WORK WITH APOSTLES, SUCH AS JOHN TRAVOLTA AND LOUIS GOSSETT JR. WHO I MIGHT ADD ALSO DOUBLES AS MY 'BLACK FRIEND.' KIND OF LIKE A 2 FOR 1 DEAL AT DENNY'S BUT FAR MORE MEANINGFUL. SO AS YOU CAN SEE, I DO HAVE MUCH IN COMMON WITH THE SON OF GOD BUT HOPEFULLY PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE I'D BE SO ARROGANT AS TO CLAIM TO BE HIM. HAHAHA. GOOD QUESTION THOUGH BARB."

REPORTER: "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE SEQUEL TO NATIONAL TREASURE?"

CAGE: "WELL...HMMM. I CLASHED A LOT WITH THE DIRECTOR WHICH IS WHY I SHAVED MY SIDEBURNS TO ONCE AGAIN PLAY DR. GATES."

REPORTER: "THAT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE..."

CAGE: NEITHER DOES NATIONAL TREASURE 2.

REPORTER: 2 SHAY.

-TMJ

THE STRANGERS (LIV TYLER, SCOTT SPEEDMAN;2008)

"GOD DAMN IT LIV, I TOLD YOU I DON'T DO WELL AT THESE FUCKING COCKTAIL PARTIES....WELL, IF HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE ME THE TOYOTA ACCOUNT WILLINGLY, LET'S SEE HOW ARTICULATE HE IS WHEN I STICK THIS FUCKING SHOT GUN DOWN HIS THROAT...YOU READY FOR THAT SWIMMING POOL YOU ALWAYS WANTED BABY?...EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING GROUND AND NO ONE'LL GET HURT!" FINALLY A DECENT HORROR MOVIE. THE WRITER/DIRECTOR DOES A GREAT JOB OF BUILDING THE MAIN CHARACTERS SO THE VIEWER ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE VICTIMS. THERE ARE NO GHOSTS OR FICTIONAL CREATURES. JUST 3 HOMICIDAL MANIACS WHO REALLY DON'T LIKE STRANGERS. THE ENTIRE MOVIE CENTERS AROUND BUILDING SUSPENSE AND DOES A VERY GOOD JOB. THERE ARE A FEW PREDICTABLE SHOCKERS BUT NOT ENOUGH TO RUIN THE MOVIE BY ANY MEANS. IF YOU WANT A GOOD SCARE THE STRANGERS IS FAR MORE FRIGHTENING THAN SEX IN THE CITY.