BLADE RUNNER (HARRISON FORD, THE RUTGER HAUER, EDWARD JAMES OLMOS, SEAN YOUNG;1982)

"WHERE'S MOVIE JERK!?" "WHERE IS HE YOU BASTARD REPLICANT?!!!!" ...I'M RIGHT HERE BABY. STUCK BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HOOKER'S PLACE. IT WAS 1982. THE YEAR OF THE MINOE. SEAN YOUNG WAS A SEX SYMBOL. DARRYL HANNAH PATIENTLY TARGETED THE KENNEDYS. EDWARD JAMES OLMOS'S ACNE CLEARED UP ONLY TO DISPLAY SCARS LARGER THAN SMALL CARTELS. AND RONALD REGAN WAS BEGINNING TO FORGET A NATION AFTER BEING RE-INFORMED OF THE INVENTION OF THE COLOR PURPLE: A MIXTURE OF RED AND BLUE, OR POOR TASTE AND NEW MONEY. THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STALLONE DYNASTY ARRIVED THE PRINCESS OF THE KINGDOM: RIDLEY SCOTT. THREE YEARS AFTER ALIEN, STARRING A YOUNG, DRUNK, AGGRESSIVE NICK NOLTE WITH TWO MOUTHS, CAME BLADE RUNNER. NOT JUST A MOVIE BUT ANOTHER SOPHISTICATED CHILD'S SKETCH OF A FUTURE HOLLYWOOD THINKS IT CAN PREDICT. OH SHIT! WAS THAT GLOBAL WARMING?! HIDE THE THE DRUGS. ACCUMULATING LESS REVENUE THAN ONE NIGHT FOR STUDIO 54, THIS MOVIE STILL MANAGED TO RECEIVE CRITICAL PRAISE DUE TO THE MASSIVE SHIPMENTS ARRIVING NIGHTLY FROM MIAMI. "OH MY GOD DUDE. IT'S LIKE, FUCKING CARS CAN FLY AND DARRYL HANNAH'S A HOMELESS VAGRANT ANDROID. THE 80'S ARE FUCKIN' CHANGING THE WORLD BUDDY! PASS ME THAT BAG I WANNA HIT ONE BEFORE WE GET TO DORRIAN'S. THAT FUCKIN' STALL'S ALWAYS PACKED TO THE GILLS."

THE DARK KNIGHT (HEATH LEDGER, THE JOKER, NICHOLSON LOSES, HEATH LEDGER, HEATH LEDGER ROCKS; 2008)

HOLY SAC BATMAN! SOMEONE FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT. THE REAL JOKER, THE HOMICIDAL, WWII-UNCLE-SAM; THE DAPRAVED CLOWN CREATED IN 1940 HAS FINALLY BEEN BROUGHT TO LIFE.

"In his initial dozen or so appearances, starting with Batman #1 (1940), the Joker was a straightforward mass murderer, with a bizarre appearance modeled after the symbol of the Joker known from playing cards. He was slated to be killed in his second appearance,[5] but editor Whitney Ellsworth suggested that the character be spared. A hastily drawn panel, demonstrating that the Joker was still alive, was subsequently added to the comic.[6] For the next several appearances, the Joker often escaped capture but suffered an apparent death (falling off a cliff, being caught in a burning building, etc.), from which his body was not recovered. In these first dozen adventures, the Joker killed close to three dozen people." (I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO FOOTNOTE...QUOTE TAKEN FROM WIKIPEDIA AND ANY COOL GEEK OFF THE STREET EXCEPT WARREN G).

FEEDING OFF THE TEARS HE KNEW HE'D DRAW FROM FAT NICHOLSON AND JAKE GYLLENHAAL (THE ONLY QUEER IN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN), HEATH LEDGER CREATED ONE OF THE BEST MOVIE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME. PURE COLOMBIAN CAN'T ENTERTAIN MY BRAIN AS MUCH AS LEDGER'S "JOKER" DID IN THE DARK KNIGHT. HE MANAGED TO CREATE A CHARACTER WHO DELIVERED HUMOUR AND UNCONTROLLABLE, CALCULATED INSANITY BETTER THAN ANYONE I'VE SEEN ON SCREEN IN SO LONG, THAT THEY DESERVE TO BE FORGOTTEN. IF THIS MOVIE HAD BEEN GIVEN AN "R" RATING LEDGER WOULD'VE BANGED CLARICE STARLING AND MADE HANNIBAL LECTER SHIT FAVA BEANS ON HIS OWN FACE. I DON'T WANT TO PROVIDE ANY DETAILS ABOUT THIS MOVIE (THOUGH I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT TWICE), BECAUSE I'LL GET SO CARRIED AWAY I'LL KNOCK OUT A LOAD ON THIS KEYBOARD. THAT WOULDN'T NECESSARILY BE A PROBLEM IF THIS COMPUTER WERE MINE, NOT TO MENTION THE HOUSE I STUMBLED INTO TO WRITE THIS. IF I HAD ANY BACKGROUND IN FILM I'D TRY TO ARTICULATED HOW AMAZING THE DIRECTING, WRITING, SCORE AND OTHER ACTORS WERE AS WELL. HOWEVER, I DON'T SO I WON'T. A PERFORMANCE LIKE LEDGER'S SHOULD MAKE HOLLYWOOD THINK TWICE BEFORE IT CALLOUSLY UTTERS THE WORD "TALENTED" AGAIN. I GUESS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IN L.A. WAS COLLECTING BABIES LIKE PICASSOS AND TELLING US FOR WHOM TO VOTE, THERE WERE A FEW ACTUALLY DOING THEIR JOB. -TMJ

LEGENDS OF THE FALL (BRAD PITT, HANIBAL LECTOR, E.T. 'MO, TASTY PIECE; 1994)

THIS IS A PICTURE OF THE MOVIE JERK REVISING HIS CREATIVE GENIUS IN MY CABIN JUST SOUTH OF EAST ST. LOUIS. UNTIL THE MOVIE JERK REARED HIS FANTASTICAL HEAD, HE'D ONLY RETURNED TO THIS WOOD MANSION ONCE BEFORE. THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS BORN TO MIDGET BARONS, GOLD BARS, AND A VIRTUOUS STRIPPER NAMED JIZZABELLA CUMFACE (IN HER NATIVE ITALY IT'S PRONOUNCED COME-FA-CHAY.....WHO KNEW?). APPARENTLY, I WAS CONCEIVED ON THE HARD STEEL OF A WINDOWLESS VAN BY A DWARF HOOKER WITH THE INTEGRITY OF A MOOSE IN MATING SEASON. GOD DAMN THE SPRING AND ITS LOVESTRUCK PREDATORS. THAT WOULD PROBABLY EXPLAIN MY AVERSION TO FLOWERS, TREES, THE SUN, AND ANYTHING I CAN'T FUCK SIDEWAYS. GOD BLESS MICROWAVES WHILE I'M BLESSING SHIT. MICROWAVES ARE THE CHEAPEST INCUBATOR OUT THERE FOR PREMATURE BIRTH. ALWAYS REMEMBER, DESPITE WHAT YOU HEAR IN THE GHETTO, "DEFROST" CAN CAUSE BRAIN DAMAGE. WHERE ARE MY PILLS!!!!? OKILO DOKEY. MOVIES MOVIES MOVIES. LEGENDS OF THE FALL IS THE STORY OF A FAMILY TORN APART BY LOVE, LUST AND WORLD WAR 1, WHICH MADE IRAQ LOOK LIKE A TEA PARTY. IF YOU WATCH LEGENDS OF THE FALL, BRAVEHEART, AND LAST OF THE MOHICANS BACK TO BACK, YOU WILL CRY. OR DRINK. EITHER WAY YOU'LL DEFINITELY LOSE. SO WHAT'S NOT TO WIN? -TMJ (HELP IS ON THE WAY).

THE WACKNESS (JOSH PECK, BEN KINGSLEY; 2008)

FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HIT THIS SCREEN. THE WACKNESS FOCUSES ON A TEENAGE DRUG DEALER IN 1994 NEW YORK. VIRTUALLY CRIPPLED BY HIS INABILITY TO GET LAID, THE MAIN CHARACTER, SHAPIRO, ATTEMPTS TO FIND RELIEF IN THE "WISDOM" OF HIS SHRINK (BEN KINGSLEY). WHOM, I MIGHT ADD, HE PAYS WITH WEED. HOWEVER, WHEN HIS SHRINK'S DAUGHTER EXPRESSES INTEREST IN SHAPIRO, SHAPIRO'S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MERRY DOCTOR TAKES A COMPLICATED TURN FOR THE WORSE. THE MOVIE JERK ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS MOVIE, THOUGH HE DID HAVE TROUBLE RELATING TO THE CHARACTERS. THIS IS MAINLY BECAUSE YOUR'S TRULY HAS BEEN HAVING SEX WITH EVERYTHING FROM SEASHELLS, TO STORM DRAINS, TO ELECTRICAL SOCKETS, TO ANYTHING ELSE HE CAN GET HIS PAWS ON SINCE THE RIPE AGE OF 9 AND 1 HALF. THE MOVIE JERK'S ALSO ANTI-DRUGS. UNLESS THEIR HIS DRUGS. IN WHICH CASE I'M VERY PRO DRUGS. UNTIL THEY'RE ALL GONE. WHEN AGAIN I BECOME ANTI-DRUGS. UNTIL I'M PAID. WHICH MAKES ME PRO DRUGS BUT STILL AGAINST OTHERS WHO ARE PRO DRUGS. WHICH MAKES ME AN ANTI-PRO-DRUG USE USER. AND A LIAR. JUST GIMMEE THE F#CKIN' DRUGS. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. GOD DAMN IT! IF ONLY THIS DOOR HAD 15 MORE BOLTS AND 3 MORE PEEPHOLES I'D BE SAFE. I COULD REALLY SEE 'EM COMING! YOU HEAR ME!? I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! GET BACK! I HAVE A CAT! AND I HAVEN'T FED HIM IN A WEEK! YOU WANT SOME OF THAT ACTION?! DO YOU, YOU BASTARDS! I'VE GOT THREE PEEPHOLES. ONE FOR EVERY SIDE OF THE DOOR!.....THE WACKNESS IS HYSTERICAL AND DELIGHTFUL. SEE IT TODAY. -TMJ

NUMB (MATHEW PERRY, KEVIN POLLACK, LYNN COLLINS; 2007)

I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF POSTING A PICTURE OF MATHEW PERRY JUST TO PROVE HE'S STILL ALIVE. IN THIS PARTICULAR PHOTO PERRY IS CARRYING A BOX OF THE SCRIPTS/ROLES HE TURNED DOWN BEFORE FRIENDS WAS CANCELLED. ABSENT FROM THIS BOX, SOON TO BE HOME, IS THREE TO TANGO, SERVING SARA, HOOSIERS 2: SENIOR YEAR, AND THE RON CLARK STORY. ALL CINEMATIC MILESTONES THEMSELVES, IT'S NO SURPRISE THE JUICY SCRIPT FOR NUMB LANDED IN PERRY'S LAP. NUMB IS THE TYPE OF MOVIE YOU RENT DRUNK, WATCH HUNGOVER, AND FEEL ASHAMED OF AFTERWARD. IT'S LIKE IF YOU WERE AT A BAR, BEER-GOGGLED TO HELL AND BACK, AND ALL THE FAT GIRLS WERE THE MOVIE NUMB. "HEY BABY, YOU'RE HUUUGE. WHAT'D YOU DO? EAT MATHEW PERRY? HAHAHA. I'M JUST KIDDING, THAT'S A JOKE. WHY DON'T YOU POLISH OFF THAT SHOT OF POTATO CHIP AND GET IN THE CAR......WHOA,WHOA. UH, UH. THE TRUNK BABY, GET IN THE TRUNK. THAT'S RIGHT. WELCOME TO THE SELF-ESTEEM MACHINE." ANYWAY, NUMB IS THE STORY OF A SCREENWRITER WITH "ACUTE DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER." APPARENTLY THIS DISORDER TURNS A PERSON INTO A SLIGHTLY DEPRESSED CHANDLER BING. HOWEVER, AFTER UNEXPECTEDLY FALLING IN LOVE, THE SCREENWRITER DECIDES TO TRY EVERY THERAPY IMAGINABLE IN ORDER TO WIN OVER THE OBJECT OF HIS AFFECTION. LAUGHTER ENSUES FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE TO LAUGH. STEER CLEAR. -TMJ

HANCOCK (WILL SMITH, JASON BATEMAN;2008)

WELL IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS. TIME FOR WILL SMITH TO COLLECT ANOTHER 50 MILLION DOLLARS. THIS MOVIE WOULD'VE CARRIED MUCH MORE WEIGHT HAD IT CAST MY FIRST PICK FOR HANCOCK, RUTGER HAUER, OR AS HE WAS KNOWN IN THE 80'S: "GERMAN STEELE ." NOT ONLY WAS RUTGER HAUER THE MOST PROLIFIC ACTOR OF THE 20TH CENTURY HE'S ALSO FLUENT IN LATIN, WHICH IS IRRELEVANT....BUT SHOULD IT BE? UNFORTUNATELY WHEN I PITCHED RUTGER HAUER TO SONY PICTURES I ACCIDENTALLY PRESENTED CLIPS FROM SPLIT SECOND (1992) AS OPPOSED TO HIS ALMOST OSCAR NOMINATED PERFORMANCE IN BLIND FURY. IN CASE YOU FOOLISHLY FORGOT, BLIND FURY WAS THE 1989 CLASSIC IN WHICH HAUER PLAYED A BLIND SAMURAI EXPRESSING EXTRAORDINARY EMOTIONAL INSIGHT. I BELIEVE THE TAG LINE FOR BLIND FURY WAS: IF JUSTICE IS BLIND YOU BETTER PRAY HE'S NOT YOUR JUDGE. I JUST SHED A TEAR. ANYWAY, THE NET WORTH OF A SMALL COUNTRY LATER, WE GOT WILL SMITH. IT'S CHEAPER TO ACQUIRE SNUFF PORN THAN THIS GUY. IN HANCOCK, SMITH PLAYS AN AIRBORNE ALCOHOLIC SUPERHERO WHO'S DOESN'T HIDE HIS IDENTITY. IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE DANGEROUS THAN DRIVING DRUNK IT'S FLYING DRUNK (SEE J.F.K. JR.). AFTER COSTING L.A. MILLIONS IN DAMAGES, A GRATEFUL TOP P.R. EXEC, WHOSE LIFE HANCOCK SAVED, DECIDES TO HELP HIM CHANGE HIS IMAGE. HOWEVER, JUST WHEN THE PUBLIC BEGINS TO LOVE HANCOCK A PLOT TWIST FUCKS EVERYTHING UP AGAIN. I MIGHT ADD THE PLOT TWIST IS ABSURD. IF YOU HAVE AN I.Q. BELOW 95 YOU'LL PROBABLY SEE THIS TWICE. IF YOU'RE A FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETY ONE VIEWING SHOULD BE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

WANTED (JAMES MCAVOY, ANGELINA JOLIE-VOIGHT-PITT, MORGAN "I'M ACTUALLY A WHITE MAN IT'S JUST THE LIGHTING" FREEMAN; 2008)

TO YOUR LEFT IS AN IMAGE OF ANGELINA-JOLIE SITTING BY THE MOVIE JERK'S BEDSIDE. (I LIVE IN BLACK AND WHITE. KEEPS ME HONEST). SHE'S THINKING, "WHY DID I SLEEP WITH THIS CLOWN? HE SMELLS LIKE A GARGOYLE AND I'M PRETTY SURE HE ONLY PRETENDED TO PUT ON THAT CONDOM." SENSING HER STRESS I AWAKE, STARE DEEP INTO HER EYES AND SAY, "WELL LAST NIGHT DEFINITELY MADE UP FOR THE SHIT MOVIE YOU CRANKED OUT WITH THAT SCOTTISH GEEK. HOWEVER, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I CAN - FUCK ME! WHERE'D THAT ASIAN KID COME FROM!? NEVER MIND. LIKE I WAS SAYING, I STILL DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE YOU A GOOD REVIEW. MAYBE IF YOU PUT THE GUN DOWN AND GRAB THE JERK SOME ALKA SELTZER FROM THE BATHROOM I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. I SAID GOD DAMN. ALL THAT HUMPIN' GAVE ME SOME GAS." EVEN AFTER RAIDING THAT TOMB THOUGH THE MOVIE JERK MUST MAINTAIN HIS INTEGRITY AND PROVIDE AND HONEST REVIEW/OPINION/TRUE NONSENSE. WANTED IS THE STORY OF A LEAGUE OF RIDICULOUS ASSASSINS. APPARENTLY THEIR HEARTS CAN BEAT 400 TIMES A MINUTE WHEN THEY'RE THREATENED. THIS RAPID HEARTBEAT CAUSES THEY'RE ADRENAL GLANDS TO LEAK WORSE THAN A FRESHMAN WITH THE CLAP. THIS "TALENT" ENABLES THESE ASSASSINS TO JUMP OF BUILDINGS, "CURVE BULLETS," SHOOT THE WINGS OFF FLIES AND DESTROY CITY STREETS AND CAREERS. IF THIS MOVIE TOOK PLACE IN THE MATRIX IT MIGHT'VE BEEN DECENT. HOWEVER, BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT TAKES PLACE IN THE REAL WORLD, IT SUCKS. - HAPPY 4TH. BE SURE TO SWERVE FOR TREES AND PEDESTRIANS. -TMJ

BLUE VELVET (DENNIS HOPPER, DAVID LYNCH'S PEOPLE OF THE NIGHT;1986)

SOME WOULD SAY THIS MOVIE EXHIBITS CLASSIC ELEMENTS OF FILM NOIR AND SURREALISM. IN 1986 THE MOVIE JERK WAS QUOTED AS SAYING, "LYNCH'S LATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT IS LIKE A GIANT SPOONFUL OF FECAL PEANUT BUTTER WASHED DOWN WITH A WARM GLASS OF THICK PISS." THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE WAS THAT ANYBODY CAN SAY AND DO WEIRD SHIT. ONLY DAVID LYNCH GETS PRAISED FOR IT. WELL, HE AND STEVE-O. APPARENTLY THIS EXPLORATION OF A SMALL TOWN'S PERVERSE CRIMINAL UNDERBELLY REJUVENATED DENNIS HOPPER'S LAGGING CAREER. HOWEVER, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS HOPPER'S EARLY 80'S REHAB STINT THAT PROVIDED HIM WITH THE NECESSARY MENTAL CLARITY TO READ A SCRIPT, NOT TO MENTION PROPERLY REGURGITATE IT ON CAMERA. LORD KNOWS HOPPER COULDN'T FORM A FUCKING SENTENCE FOR ABOUT 14 YEARS AFTER THE PREMIERE OF EASY RIDER. GOD BLESS YOU HOLLYWOOD AND YOUR 17 CHANCES. ON A 100% COMPLETELY SERIOUS NOTE THOUGH, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF A LOVED ONE, INVITE THEM OVER FOR A HOME-COOKED ASPARAGUS DINNER AND A MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF BLUE VELVET. BE SURE TO ANSWER THE DOOR WEARING NOTHING BUT A BANANA PEEL AND YOUR COOLEST, MOST DISTURBING GRIN. CIAO FOR NOW - TMJ