IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE ONLY CHICK THIS APPARITION COULD SNEAK UP TO WAS A PLUMP GRAD STUDENT WHO COULDN'T TURN ON A TELEVISION.
THE BIG GIRL'S BOYFRIEND, MICHAH, IS A DAY TRADER WHO CAN APPARENTLY IGNORE THE STOCK MARKET FOR A MONTH TO CHASE GHOULS AROUND HIS SAN DIEGO HOME. WHAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT MICHAH IS WHY HE DIDN'T LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND EVEN BEFORE HER GHOST PROBLEM, NOT TO MENTION AFTER. "HI, I'M MICHAH. THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND KATIE. SHE'S A STUDENT OF ENGLISH WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO INCOME. SHE'S OVERWEIGHT, OBNOXIOUS AND MOST RECENTLY, SHE'S MANAGED TO PISS OFF THE UNDERWORLD."
THIS MOVIE BUILDS VERY, VERY SLOWLY. THE ONLY TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM IT'S MONOTONY COMES IN THE FORM OF A MIDDLE-AGED MALE PSYCHIC WHO OBVIOUSLY SIGNED ON FOR A FREE SANDWICH. I'D LOVE TO SEE THE SHIT HOLE IN WHICH THEY FOUND THAT GRIFTER.
(PICTURE A MAN SITTING ON A COUCH IN A BABY-BLUE, STAINED BATHROBE.....AND THEN, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR....)
"HELLO. SO YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC WHO INVESTIGATED THE FAT-GRAD STUDENT HAUNTING?"
"YOU BETCHA. RIGHT NOW I'M SENSING YOU DIDN'T CLOSE THE FRONT DOOR AND I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER. SO, BEFORE I SIGN ANYTHING, I PREDICT YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO DILEMMAS?"
"OF COURSE. SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?"
"WELP. THE FIRST TIME I MET THE YOUNG GIRL MY ABILITY TOLD ME THIS GHOST WAS A CHUBBY-CHASER. SO I TOLD JIGGLES TO GET ON A TREADMILL AND THE HAUNTING WOULD GO AWAY."
"THAT'S IT?"
"NO....I LIKE DOUBLE-PLY."
LOOKS LIKE A BIG WIN TO ME. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF CREAKING NOISES, SHITTY HOME VIDEO, AND ANNOYING CONVERSATION, THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE END OF THIS MOVIE. HOWEVER, YOU'LL ONLY ENJOY THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED EVERYTHING IS REAL. TMJ WAS NOT.
