FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (JASON SEGEL,RUSSEL BRAND, KRISTIN BELL, MILA KUNIS;2008)

BETTER THAN KNOCKED UP. FUNNIER THEN GARY DOURDAN AT COACHELLA. NO SUPERBAD. I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF LIMITING THE ACTORS IN THIS PHOTO TO THE FUNNY ONES….. "BUT…BUT…MR. MOVIEJERK THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO…." TMJ: "I KNOW PETEY. NOW KEEP LICKING THE WINDOWS ‘TILL THE BUS COMES TO A FULL STOP. AND DON’T YOU QUIT SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE FACE. REMEMBER, PEOPLE WHO CONTROL THEIR BODY MOVEMENTS AREN’T SPECIAL LIKE YOU. AND WHY AREN’T THEY SPECIAL PETEY?"….PETEY: "WHEN IT'S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN?" TMJ: "AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME KID. WAY TO CORK THE FORK LITTLE BUDDY. AIM FOR THE HALL AND NOT THE WALL." THE REASON THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO IS BECAUSE WITHOUT HIM THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN’T RECOMMEND THIS LITTLE NUMBER. MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE HYPE THAT LET ME DOWN. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE IT’S NOTHING MORE THAN A RACY ROMANTIC COMEDY. I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT…WAIT…YES I CAN….IT’S MASHED POTATOES. IT’S ALSO JUST NOT THAT FUNNY. THE RIDICULOUS ENGLISH ROCK STAR REALLY SAVES THE DAY. DEFINITELY WORTH A RENTAL.

HOLY SHIT: SPECIAL POST

THE FORCE IS NO LONGER WITH MARK HAMILL. NOR WAS IT ABSORBED BY THAT THING TO HIS LEFT.

BABY MAMA (TINA FEY, AMY POEHLER; 2008)

THE MOVIE JERK LOVES TINA FEY. SHE'S EASY TO BECOME INFATUATED WITH BECAUSE SHE SEEMS ACHIEVABLE. NOT NECESSARILY FOR ME, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO'S NET WORTH CONSISTS OF MORE THAN 5 MILLIGRAMS OF VALIUM, A FISH TANK, AND A MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET. THIS IS A COMEDY ABOUT SURROGATE MOTHERS. A SURROGATE MOTHER IS APPARENTLY POOR WHITE TRASH YOU CAN PAY TO HAVE YOUR KID AND THEN TELL HER TO LEAVE FOREVER. SOUNDS AMAZING. SURROGATE MOTHERS ARE LIKE HOOKERS EXCEPT THEIR PURPOSE IS DIFFERENT AND THEY STAY LONGER. THEY TALK MORE TOO. I HATE TALKING HOOKERS. I GUESS WITH SURROGATE MOTHERS THERE'S MORE TO TALK ABOUT THOUGH. I WONDER IF THEY MAKE MUTE ONES....?ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH TINA FEY. EVEN THOUGH THIS MOVIE MIGHT FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF "CHICK FLICK" IT'S STILL PRETTY DAMN FUNNY. TMJ RECOMMENDS IT TODAY.....STEVE MARTIN ALSO HAS AN INCREDIBLE ROLE IN THIS.

THE SAVAGES (PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, LAURA LINNEY;2007)

THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE WHO'VE WALKED THIS PLANET THAT HAVE TRULY FOUND THEIR CALLING AND MASTERED THEIR RESPECTIVE CRAFTS. THERE'S JESUS CHRIST, WHO GOT SIDE TRACKED WITH THE WHOLE SON OF GOD THING, BUT HE COULD TURN A 2X4 INTO THE TAJ MAHAL. THERE'S JENNA JAMESON WHO COULD SUCK THE EXPLOSION OUT OF DYNOMITE. THERE'S TOM CRUISE WHO'S BEHAVIOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY REINFORCES OUR CONSTITUTION (NAMELY THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS)....AND THEN THERE'S PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, WHO MIGHT BE THE ONLY ACTOR TO HONESTLY DESERVE A SPOT IN THE 20-MILLION-A-MOVIE CLUB. I'D PAY TEN DOLLARS TO WATCH THIS GUY BRUSH HIS TEETH. THE SAVAGES IS AN EXTRAORDINARY ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT FOCUSES ON THE UNFORTUNATE EMOTIONAL DISTANCES THAT CAN ONLY DEVELOP BETWEEN FAMILY AND LOVED ONES, AND THE DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCES THAT MUST OFTEN OCCUR TO RECOGNIZE WHO REALLY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU. THE SAVAGES DELIVERS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT DRAMATIC PERFORMANCES WHICH ARE ONLY MADE MORE COLOURFUL AND CRISP BY THE SCRIPT'S INTELLIGENT, FIERCE, AND SUBTLE COMEDIC UNDERTONES.

ONE MISSED CALL (ED BURNS, SHANNYN SOSSAMON;2008)

"WAIT, WAIT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. SO, THIS IS A RECORDING OF ME MOMENTS BEFORE MY DEATH? HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU'RE BREAKING UP. IT'S SOUNDS LIKE I'M CHOKING ON A STEAK AT HOUSTON'S. OH MY GOD! PLAY THE MESSAGE AGAIN....YEAH, I WAS RIGHT. I'M GOING TO CHOKE TO DEATH ON A STEAK FROM NOT CHEWING PROPERLY IN THE NEAR FUTURE! OH SHIT! GET ALL THE BEEF OUT OF THE HOUSE AND CANCEL MY DINNER RESERVATIONS AT ZANIBAR FOR THE NEXT WEEK." PHEW, TALK ABOUT SOME FRIGHTENING STUFF. VERIZON REALLY KNOWS HOW TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. THE MOVIE JERK HAS HAD SOME BAD IDEAS, BUT NONE AS BAD AS MAKING THIS MOVIE. SUCH AS THE TIME HE EMPTIED HIS FLASK INTO A GLASS OF MILK AT A M.A.D.D. PARTY ONLY TO EXCLAIM, "HEY LADIES, MAYBE IF WE MADE CARS WITH MORE WHEELS WE COULD KEEP DRINKING AND BE SAFE?" "YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT ONE?" "EW YEAH MRS. JONES, I'D LIKE TO DESIGNATE YOU TO SUCK MY..." ANYWAY, IT GOT PRETTY UGLY. MUCH LIKE THIS MOVIE, WHICH IS WORSE THAN 5 FAT CHICKS IN AN ELEVATOR.

OCEAN'S 13 (BRAD PITT, GEORGE CLOONEY, AL PACINO, MATT DAMON;2007)

IN THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF A FRANCHISE THAT SHOULD'VE STOPPED AT THE FIRST, THE HIGHEST PAID ACTORS ON THE PLANET RETURN TO DESTROY HOLLYWOOD BUDGETS AND MAKE STEALING ATTRACTIVE AND THEREFORE, NOT WRONG. AFTER DANNY OCEAN'S MENTOR IS DOUBLE CROSSED BY A HUMAN ORANGE (AL PACINO), HE AND HIS GANG OF SUPER COOL THIEVES DECIDE TO RIP OFF THE ORANGE'S NEW CASINO/HOTEL NAMED, THE BANK. IN ORDER TO PULL OFF THIS FEISTY HEIST, DANNY'S 13 MUST REQUEST THE HELP OF ANDY GARCIA (WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN), THE CASINO OWNER THEY PREVIOUSLY RIPPED OFF IN OCEAN'S 11. TALK ABOUT HIGH STAKES. OH MY. THIS MOVIE DOESN'T FOCUS SO MUCH ON VEGAS, OR PLOT, AS IT DOES RIDICULOUS PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T EXIST. AT THIS RATE I EXPECT DANNY'S 14TH TO BE A MUPPET.....AL PACINO GIVES A GLOWING PERFORMANCE. THAT LITTLE CHINESE THING STEALS THE SHOW THOUGH.

INDECENT SEDUCITON (GARY COLE, UNDERAGE GIRLS;1996)

THE MOVIE JERK JUST CAUGHT THIS COMEDY ON LIFETIME. THIS IS THE STORY OF COACH NASH, A.K.A, "THE OKLAHOMA TICKLER." NASH COACHES THE FOOTBALL TEAM OF A SMALL OKLAHOMA HIGH SCHOOL WHERE HE’S ALSO THE SCIENCE TEACHER. NASH IS A REAL "HANDS-ON" TEACHER. HE’S EXTREMELY "ENGAGING." HE’S "OLD FASHIONED." HE DOESN’T GIVE "F’S" HE GIVES "SPANKINGS." "EXTRA CREDIT" IS ALWAYS AN OPTION IN CLASS NASH. SAVE THE "SH" IN "NASH" FOR, "SHHHHHHHH." NOT ONLY DOES NASH TEACH CLASS, HE’S GOT IT. AND THE GIRLS LOVE HIS SUAVE SHORT-SLEEVE, BROWN, BUTTON DOWN. IT SAYS, "MEET ME IN THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE BUT NOT IN THAT OUTFIT." IN BETWEEN BEDDING STUDENTS ON HIS PERIODIC TABLE, NASTY NASH RUNS ONE HELL OF A FOOTBALL TEAM. WHICH IS WHY THE ADMINISTRATION TURNS A BLIND EYE TO HIS INDISCRETIONS. MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU’RE A WINNER, NOTHING’S ILLEGAL. BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE: NASH IS PLAYED BY LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE. FUNNIEST QUOTE: (GIRL TO PRINCIPAL) "I THINK COACH NASH AND AMY ARE DOING IT." (PRINCIPAL) "ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT MAKING UP RUMOURS BECAUSE YOU’RE JEALOUS AMY’S GETTING MORE ATTENTION IN CLASS THAN YOU?" GOOD LORD. THE MOVIE JERK FELL OFF HIS COUCH HE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. GOD BLESS LIFETIME.