THE PRESTIGE (HUGH JACKMAN, CHRISTRIAN BALE, MICHAEL CAINE, DAVID BOWIE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON;2006)

WHY NOT FOLLOW ONE MAGICIAN MOVIE WITH ANOTHER? THE PRESTIGE AND THE ILLSIONIST WERE RELEASED BACK TO BACK. WHICH EVER EXECUTIVE THOUGHT THIS WAS A BRIGHT IDEA MUST BE OF THE IDEOLOGY THAT ROMANS AND CHRISTIANS CREATED THE LION BEFORE THE AUDITORIUM....JESUS INC.: "OH MAN, I'D HATE TO BE MILK FOR THAT CAT IN A LARGE CIRCULAR STADIUM." NERO: "HEY ZEUS (SON OF SAVIOR), YOU SAID ONE GOD, RIGHT?" I'M COMPARING THESE TWO FILMS PRIMARILY DUE TO THEIR CLOSE RELEASE DATES, BUT ALSO BECAUSE EACH MOVIE RECIEVED A "B" CRITIC REVIEW. THIS IS WHY I NAMED MYSELF "THE MOVIE JERK." ANY CRITIC WHO SUBMITS THE SAME GRADE FOR THE PRESTIGE AS HE, OR SHE, DID FOR THE ILLUSIONIST, CLEARLY THOUGHT COCAINE WAS THE GATEWAY DRUG TO A GIRL NAMED POT. I "COMPARE" THESE TWO FILMS BECAUSE EACH GOT AWAY WITH MURDER. SETTING CHRISTIAN BALE AGAINST HUGH JACKMAN, OR EXPECTING CHEMISTRY BETWEEN ED NORTON AND JESSICA BIEL, IS LIKE HAVING MEL GIBSON CO-DIRECT WITH WOODY ALLEN. ONE'S TALENT AND THE OTHER TURNED A FRANCHISE INTO AN OSCAR, ONLY TO PROVERBIALLY DEDICATE THE AWARD YEARS LATER TO A TEQUILLA WORM ON PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY. RENT THIS MOVIE AFTER, AND ONLY AFTER YOU'VE RENTED THE DREAM TEAM FIVE TIMES. THAT'S RIGHT... JUST BECAUSE.

THE ILLUSIONIST (EDWARD NORTON, PAUL GIAMATTI, JESSICA BIEL;2006)

LET ME JUST START OFF BY SAYING, "THIS MOVIE IS A 300 YARD DRIVE." WHICH IS IMPRESSIVE. I MAY NOT PLAY GOLF, BUT I'VE HAD SEX ON A GOLF COURSE, AND I COULD ONLY SHOOT TO HER CLAVICLE OUT OF THE ROUGH. HENCE MY NICKNAME, TIGER WOOD. THE WEAK LINK IN THIS FILM, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T GRADUATE FROM PRE-SCHOOL, IS OBVIOUSLY JESSICA BIEL. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, EDWARD NORTON WAS ACTUALLY A 19TH CENTURY HOUDINI. I'D REFER TO DAVID BLAINE, BUT I'VE SEEN STREET MAGIC, AND IT TURNS ORDINARY PEOPLE INTO ADDICTS AND THIEVES. I CHOOSE THE HIGH ROAD BY NOT SUPPORTING ANY DRUG DR. CRUISE WON'T PRESCRIBE, SINCE HE RECIEVED HIS P.H.D. IN PSYCHOLOGY ON THE TODAY SHOW. I THINK TOM LEARNED HIS LESSON WHEN HE TURNED HIS OLDEST SON INTO A 6 FOOT, AFRICAN-AMERICAN TEENAGER. PERSONALLY, I WOULD'VE FELT RELIEVED THAT HE WASN'T A 5 FOOT 2, CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL SCIENTOLIGIST. THEN AGAIN, I'M OLD FASHIONED, AND I DIGRESS INTO ABSCURE NON-SEQUITORS...ANYWAY, ED NORTON COULD PLAY PINNOCHIO AND I'D SUE WALT DISNEY FOR CLAIMING HIS CHARACTER'S FICTIONAL. THE POINT BEING, CASTING NORTON WITH BIEL IS LIKE WATCHING PHIL MICKELSON FINISH THE PGA TOUR ON GOLDEN TEE. SURE, IT'S STILL "A HOLE IN ONE," BUT NOW I FEEL THE NEED TO CLUB SOMETHING. I RESTRAINED FROM PROVIDING A MOVIE SYNOPYSIS BECAUSE I ASSUME EVERYONE'S SEEN THIS MOVIE. IF YOU HAVEN'T, FOLLOW THE CROWD AND RENT IT TODAY. CHEERS. TMJ

CLICK (ADAM SANDLER, KATE BECKINSALE, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN;2006)

IN THIS SEQUEL TO HAPPY GILMORE, BILLY MADISON, ANGER MANAGEMENT, 50 FIRST DATES OR BIG DADDY, ADAM SANDLER COMFORTABLY SLIPS BACK INTO THE ROLE OF RIDICULOUS MAN-CHILD. BY THIS POINT I CAN’T IMAGINE ANYONE EXCEPT CHILDREN, FORIEGNERS, THE AMERICAN INBRED AND ME, PAYING TO WATCH THIS IDIOT. THERE’S SOMETHING EXTREMELY UNSETTLING ABOUT LAUGHING AT A MAN WHO’S BRAIN DOESN’T EXCEED THE MENTAL CAPACITY OF A 12 YR OLD. IN THIS HORROR, SANDLER IS ONCE AGAIN INCAPABLE OF DEALING WITH EVERYDAY LIFE, UNTIL CHRISTOPHER WALKEN GIVES HIM A REMOTE THAT CAN TiVo REALITY. OF COURSE, SANDLER USES THIS REMOTE TO MAKE BOOBS JIGGLE IN SLOW-MOTION, SKIP ARGUMENTS WITH HIS WIFE, MUTE HIS DOG, SMACK HIS BOSS, AND BASICALLY TO DO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE TRAVELING BACK IN TIME TO SAVE CHRIS FARLEY’S LIFE. EVEN IF, HOPEFULLY, THAT MEANT OVERDOSING ON SPEEDBALLS HIMSELF. THIS MOVIE MADE ME CATATONIC WITH ANGER. IF YOU STILL PLAN TO RENT THIS, FOR THE FIRST TIME, OR AGAIN, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU’D LEAVE YOUR ADDRESS AND PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOUR CHILDREN IN THE COMMENT BOX. I’D LIKE TO BE A CATALYST FOR EVOLUTION BY PROTESTING "THE BREEDING OF MORONS" FROM YOUR LAWN. THANKS A BUNCH. -TMJ

NOTES ON A SCANDEL (CATE BLANCHETT, JUDI DENCH, ANDREW SIMPSON;2006)

THIS MOVIE REVOLVES AROUND A NEW ART TEACHER’S ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH ONE OF HER 15 YEAR OLD STUDENTS. THE ART TEACHER IS PLAYED BY KATE BLANCHETT. SHORTLY AFTER THEY BEGIN THEIR CONTROVERSIAL SEXCAPADE, 007’S BOSS, A MANIPULATIVE, LONELY, OLD, LESBIAN ENGLISH TEACHER, BLACKMAILS THE TWO LOVERS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW THE AUDIENCE IS SUCKED INTO WATCHING AN HOUR AND A HALF OF DISGUSTING HUMAN BEHAVIOR. HOWEVER, I ENJOYED THIS FILM BECAUSE I ACTUALLY HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY HIGH SCHOOL ART TEACHER. UNFORTUNATELY, SHE DIDN’T LOOK LIKE CATE BLANCHETT. SHE WAS ABOUT A DEUCE EIGHTY AND RESEMBLED A VIKING WARRIOR. NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, SHE LOOKED MORE LIKE JUDI DENCH. WE ALSO DIDN’T EXPERIENCE ANY BLACKMAIL. I LIKE TO BELIEVE THE FACULTY TURNED A BLIND EYE OUT OF RESPECT FOR MY AMBITION. THEY MUST’VE REALIZED I’D DO ANYTHING FOR AN "A," AND ACCEPTANCE TO ITT TECH. IN HINDSIGHT, I MIGHT’VE TAKEN IT TOO FAR, WHEN I ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE ABUSED BY A WOMAN WHO COULD'VE BEEN MISTAKEN FOR A NORDIC SAILOR….500$ A WEEK OF THERAPY AND I STILL LIMP LIKE A ONE LEGGED PIRATE. ANYWAY, LIKE THEY SAY, HINDSIGHT'S 20/20! THAT BEING SAID, I RECOMMEND YOU APPROACH THIS FILM WITH CAUTION. PRESS "PLAY" EXPECTING TERRIFIC ACTING AND A DIRTY, SEXY BATTLE BETWEEN THE BEAUTIFUL AND THE UGLY.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE (GREG KINNEAR, ALAN ARKIN, ABIGAIL BRESLIN;2006)

THIS IS THE TOUCHING STORY OF A FAT GIRL WITH BIG DREAMS. THOSE DREAMS CENTER AROUND WINNING THE LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE PAGEANT IN REDONDO BEACH, CALIFORNIA. UNFORTUNATELY, HER FAMILY IS TOO POOR TO FLY FROM THEIR HOME IN ALBUQUERQUE NEW MEXICO, SO THEY DECIDE TO TAKE A ROAD TRIP IN A VW BUS. ALONG THIS DRAMATIC BUT HUMOROUS JOURNEY, EVERYONE’S ISSUES ARE EXPOSED…. EVERYONE FROM THE GAY SUICIDAL UNCLE, TO THE HEROIN ADDICTED GRAMPA, TO THE ANGRY OLDER BROTHER. IF THERE’S ONE THING MY INFINITE WISDOM DEDUCTED FROM THIS FILM, IT’S THIS: IT'S NOT FUNNY TO BE ADDICTED, GAY, SUICIDAL, FAT OR POOR..... UNLESS YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THIN, RICH, STRAIGHT AND STABLE! WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I THOUGHT THIS MOVIE WAS HYSTERICAL…BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE APOLLO, NOT THE THEATER, THE GOD OF THE SUN. WOMEN LOVE ME. I DON’T OWN A GUN. AND I LIGHT CIGARETTES WITH HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS, EUROS, YEN OR ANYTHING EXPENSIVE AND FLAMMABLE. IF YOU CANNOT RELATE TO THE CHARACTERS IN THIS MOVIE, MEANING YOU’RE A BIG WINNER LIKE ME, I RECOMMEND PICKING UP THIS DRAMEDY TONIGHT.

UNTRACEABLE (DIANE LANE, COLIN HANKS;2008)

I HAVEN'T WITNESSED ANYTHING THIS HORRIBLE SINCE HITLER. DIANE LANE AGES GRACEFULLY. SHE NEVER FAILS TO MAKE ME DROOL AND PAW THE AIR. OTHER THAN THAT TIDBIT OF ENTERTAINMENT, I WOULD'VE RATHER READ CHAUCER IN A BATH OF BROKEN GLASS AND GOLD BOND THAN SEEN THIS MESS. I'M JUST THAT DEDICATED TO YOU THOUGH.....LIKE YOUR LITTLE MOVIE GUINEA PIG. "HEY JANE, YOU THINK THIS NEW DIANE LANE FILM'S GONNA SUCK ASS?'... 'ONE SECOND DEAR, LET'S CHECK THE MOVIE JERK. THAT IDIOT LOVES TO PISS AWAY MONEY ON AWFUL CINEMA." ONE WOULD THINK THAT COLIN HANKS WOULD RUN HIS SCRIPTS BY HIS FATHER, IN ORDER TO AVOID MISTAKES LIKE TURNER & HOOCH OR JOE VS. THE VOLCANO. I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE A MULTIPLE OSCAR WINNER, SUCH AS HIS DAD, COULD STEER HIM TOWARD BRILLIANT CAREER DECISIONS, SUCH AS, FORREST GUMP 2: NO I.Q., APOLLO 14: HOLY SHIT!, OR CAST AWAY THE RETURN: THIS TIME HE'S GOT BALLS. HOWEVER, SADLY, HE'S LEANING TOWARD LAME COMEDIES AND CHEAP THRILLERS, SUCH AS THIS ONE. I WOULD CALL THIS COPS & KILLERS FILM THE POOR MAN'S SAW. AND BY POOR I MEAN COMPLETELY BANKRUPT.....AN ABSOLUTE LET DOWN....LIKE MY ONLY SON. I HOPE YOU'RE READING THIS JAMES. YOUR FATHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU. I'M SORRY, ANYWAY, DON'T SEE THIS.

RAMBO (SLYVESTER STALLONE, BURMA; 2008)

I'VE ALWAYS FELT THE NEED TO SUPPORT AND APPLAUD SYLVESTER STALLONE AND HIS MOVIES. IN THE SAME WAY I FEEL THE NEED TO SUPPORT AND APPLAUD THOSE IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO TELL THEM THEY'RE SWIMMING AT THE SPEED OF POURED MOLASSES, OR RUNNING AROUND THE TRACK IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I JUST DON'T HAVE THE HEART TO INFORM THOSE LITTLE RETARDS THAT THEY SUCK BECAUSE THEY'RE CROSSED-EYED, GENETICALLY DEFICIENT, SOCIETAL OUTCASTS, WHO'LL NEVER SUCCEED AT ANYTHING BUT FAILING. LIKE SYLVESTER FOR THE PAST DECADE. HOWEVER, BELIEVE THE MOVIE JERK WHEN HE SAYS, "THIS MOVIE WAS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!!!" FOR ONCE IN THE PAST 15 YEARS SLY'S DONE IT RIGHT AGAIN! RAMBO BARELY SPEAKS, AND SAVAGELY KILLS HUNDREDS OF BURMESE ASSHOLE SOLDIERS, IN THIS THRILLING ACTION ROMP, ALL TO SAVE HUMANITARIANS AND A HOT CHICK. IT'S LIKE THE 80'S ARE REALLY BACK! WE'VE GOT GREAT ACTION MOVIES AGAIN AND WE'RE GOING INTO A RECESSION, SHORTLY AFTER THE MARKET COMPLETELY CRASHES. IT'S GO TIME. SEE THIS MOVIE TONIGHT FOR 90 MINUTES OF PURE ENTERTAINMENT AND NOSTALGIA.
-THE MOVIE JERK

NEXT (NICOLAS CAGE, JULIANNE MOORE, JESSICA BIEL;2007)

JESUS CHRIST! WHAT WAS THAT?!....THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO GET CONNED OUT OF 10.50$, BY A RICH, RECKLESS, MANOREXIC "ACTOR." IN THIS TERRIBLE FILM, NICK CAGE CONTINUES TO CONTORT HIS FACE AND WEAR A WIG FOR ANOTHER 20 MILLION DOLLAR PAYDAY. I GUESS AFTER HIS OSCAR WIN FOR LEAVING LAS VEGAS, THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE DECIDED TO TREAT MOVIEGOERS LIKE A PUBLIC BATHROOM. YOU KNOW, THE RESTROOMS THAT LOOK LIKE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SHITTING ON THE FLOOR TO KEEP THE TOILET CLEAN, THEN WIPING THEIR ASSES WITH THE SINK. IN THIS NOVELTY, NICK CAGE'S CHARACTER CAN SEE A FEW MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE. NATURALLY, BECAUSE OF THIS TALENT, THE GOVERNMENT CHASES HIM AND JESSICA BIEL FINDS HIM ATTRACTIVE. HUH? WHAT? UNFORTUNATELY, CAGE COULDN'T SEE 6 MONTHS INTO THE FUTURE, WHEN THIS FILM PULLED IN A WHOPPING GRAND TOTAL OF 17 MILLION$....COMPLETELY RESTORING MY FAITH IN AMERICA'S ABILITY TO MAKE PROPER DECISIONS. I WOULDN'T WATCH THIS ON A PLANE IF A TERRORIST PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD, AND PROMISED ME A SAFE LANDING AS LONG AS I FOCUSED ON THE SCREEN. I'D SAY, "FUCK YOU. I QUIT. I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I HATE NICK CAGE." THIS MOVIE JUST REALLY HURT MY FEELINGS. STAY AWAY.

ALPHA DOG (EMILE HIRSCH, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, BRUCE WILLIS;2007)

THIS IS THE STORY OF A LOS ANGELES' DRUG DEALER WHO KIDNAPS THE BROTHER OF SOME LUNATIC WHO'S IN DEBT TO HIM. EVENTUALLY THINGS GET OUT OF CONTROL AND THE DEALER NEEDS TO DECIDE WHETHER TO KILL THE BROTHER OR RETURN HIM AND RISK LOOKING LIKE A "BITCH," WITHOUT THE DEBT HAVING BEEN REPAID. THE DEALER IS PLAYED BY EMILE HIRSCH. EMILE IS THE ONLY GUY IN THE ABOVE PICTURE WHO ISN'T JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT REALLY HAPPENS TO DEALERS WHO AREN'T TOUGH AND LOOK LIKE EMILE. AT APPROXIMATELY 5AM ON ANY GIVEN DAY HE'LL HEAR A CRACKLE, WHINE, AND RUSTLE STEMMING FROM HIS LIVING ROOM. HE'LL WALK OUT AND FIND THE MOVIE JERK LIGHTING HIS COUCH ON FIRE. THE MOVIE JERK WILL ALSO BE HOLDING HIS BLACK LAB HOSTAGE WITH A BUTCHER KNIFE WHILE THE ENTIRE ROOM IGNITES. AND FINALLY HE'LL HEAR A PRIMAL SCREAM FOR ANOTHER 8 BALL. HE'LL GIVE IT TO THE MOVIE JERK. AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER, EVERYTHING WILL RETURN TO NORMAL, AND APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DREAM. UNTIL 5HRS LATER WHEN THE NIGHTMARE BEGINS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CANNOT ACT WELL. HOWEVER, THIS MOVIE IS ADEQUATE. WATCH IT IF IT'S ON H.B.O....AND YOU HAVE H.B.O.

THE GOOD SHEPARD (MATT DAMON, ROBERT DE NIRO, ANGELINA JOLIE;2006)

BY THE SECOND HOUR OF THIS FILM I'D BEGUN SMOKING AND DRINKING IN THE THEATRE. BY THE THIRD HOUR THE ACID KICKED IN AND I BEGAN CONVERSING WITH MY POPCORN. I THINK I GOT THE GENERAL IDEA THOUGH. MATT DAMON GIVES ANOTHER SHOCKINGLY PROVOCATIVE 5 LINE PERFORMANCE. ROBERT DE NIRO'S GIVEN UP. ANGELINA JOLIE'S STILL HOT AND DOESN'T BELONG IN THIS FILM. THIS MOVIE SHOWS US WHAT WE ALL ALREADY KNOW. THE PEOPLE WHO STARTED THE C.I.A. ARE ANTI-SOCIAL WEIRDOS. WHILE THESE OPERATIVES SAVE THE WORLD BY SECRETLY KILLING AFGHANS, RUSSIANS, AMERICANS, HIPPIES AND THE HOMELESS, THEIR PERSONAL LIVES BECOME VERY DARK AND UTTERLY COLLAPSE INTO SUPERFICIALITY AND LIES. LET ME JUST SAY, I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED BY THIS NEWS AS WELL. THE KEY DRAMATIC MOMENTS ARE EACH ABOUT A HALF HOUR APART, OR MORE, SO FEEL FREE TO TAKE A DUMP OR GO TO THE CLOSEST BAR WITHOUT PRESSING "PAUSE." UNFORTUNATELY, I SUBJECTED MYSELF TO THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATRE. IF YOU RENT THIS, CANCEL YOUR PLANS FOR A DAY OR TWO.

WE OWN THE NIGHT (JOAQUIN PHOENIX, MARKY MARK, ROBERT DUVALL; 2007)

THIS CINEMATIC MIRACLE GOT POOR REVIEWS. THE MOVIE JERK GIVES IT AN A+. AS AN AUTHORITY ON MOVIES, COCAINE, THE RUSSIAN MAFIA, AND THE 1980'S, I'll TELL YOU WHY MY GRADES COUNT MY PRIVILEGED YOUNGSTERS. IT'S BECAUSE I WATCH MOVIES, SNORT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COKE, STILL OWE 40,000 DOLLARS TO THE RUSSIANS (ALONG WITH 3 FULL DAY SKI LIFT TICKETS IN VERBIER), AND WAS BORN IN '81. I VOTED WHEN I WAS 2. IF THAT'S NOT A RESUME FOR DISASTER, THEN I GUESS WE REALLY ARE, MYSTERIOUSLY, "VICTIMS" OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS, OR PERHAPS JUST VICTIMS OF OUR OWN EXISTENCE. I EXPECT REPARATIONS FROM E.F. HUTTON AND DEAN WITTER. WHEN I RECEIVE THOSE, I'LL PROVIDE REPARATIONS FOR THE AFRICAN AMERICAN, SPANISH, JEWISH, AND WHITE TRASH COMMUNITIES, ALONG WITH CAMP SPEARS, AND SEAN PENN'S YACHT. UNTIL THEN, FUCK YOU, AND RENT THIS CRYSTAL DVD TO WITNESS NEW YORK CITY PRE-GULIANI. THIS FILM'S SET IN 1988, WHEN COPS WERE SHOT AT QUICKER THAN DOC HOLLI DAY, AND TIME'S SQUARE, OR THE 6 TRAIN, WAS A SAFE PLACE TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY FOR UNDER A GRAND. MOTELY CRUE WAS THE VOICE OF A NATION AND STRAY BULLETS WERE AS COMMON AS NUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR. WE'VE MADE ENORMOUS STRIDES THROUGH DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICAN FAILURES. THIS MOVIE BEAUTIFULLY REMINDS US OF A TIME WHEN WE ONLY FUCKED OURSELVES. MAYBE THIS 5$ RENTAL CAN ENTERTAIN YOU INTO REALIZING SOME KID, SOMEWHERE, STARVED FOR YOUR FLAT SCREEN. I LIKE BIG. I LIKE BETTER. HOWEVER, I DON'T LIKE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE A MOVIE THAT CAN HONESTLY BE CONSIDERED "ART." RENT THIS FOR PHOENIX ALONE...THAT IS IF YOU MISINTERPRETED THE MESSAGE I NEVER MADE. -THE MOVIE JERK

MR. WOODCOCK (BILLY BOB THORTON, SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT, SUSAN SARANDON;2007)

SUSAN SARANDON MUST'VE REALLY PISSED OFF SOME SERIOUS HOLLYWOOD LIBERALS; NOT ONLY TO ACCEPT THIS ROLE, BUT MAINLY DUE TO NOT RECEIVING TOP BILLING. SHE WON AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR DEAD MAN WALKING FOR FUCK'S SAKE. BILLY BOB, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAS MADE EXTRAORDINARY PERSONAL DECISIONS. CURRENTLY, HE COULD BE "FATHERING" ORPHANS FROM COUNTRIES I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED, THAT IS IF HE KEPT HIS DICK AS HIS THERAPIST. BOO-HOO BRAD, HAVE FUN WITH THE SOON-TO-BE DRUG ADDICTED, MULTICULTURAL MISTAKES ON WHICH YOU PISSED AWAY YOUR CAREER AND SEX APPEAL. JON-JON'S CORPSE IS MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU RIGHT NOW. THIS COMEDY MISSED THE MARK. YES, I LAUGHED. HOWEVER, THE HUMOUR ENGULFED ME AS LONG AS A FART IN AN ELEVATOR ONCE THE CREDITS RAN. I WORK ON THE 19TH FLOOR. SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT REMAINS TO BE SOMEONE I WANT TO PARTY WITH, BUT WILL NO LONGER PAY 5 BUCKS TO LAUGH AT. WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THE REST OF THE AMERICAN PIE CAST. SO CONGRATULATIONS SEAN. GRAB ALL THE TANG YOU CAN RIGHT NOW BABY. YOUR ACTING HAS ABOUT AS MUCH REACH AS AN AMPUTEE. I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER PROVIDING ANY READER WITH A MOVIE SYNOPSIS. UNLESS YOU WERE RECENTLY HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A 9 IRON, THE COVER OF THIS FILM SHOULD EXPLAIN IT. IF YOU MUST READ THE BACK OF THE MOVIE CASE, CALL ME AT 970-YOU-FUCKING-ABSOLUTE-MORON. -THE MOVIE JERK.

CLOVERFIELD (MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID, ODETTE YUSTMAN, GODZILLA;2008)

WAITING FOR HIS STAR TREK REMAKE TO THRILL THE WORLD, J.J. ABRAMS DECIDED TO REMAKE GODZILLA WITH A CAMCORDER. THE CAMERA IN THIS MONSTER MOVIE SHAKES MORE THAN AN EPILEPTIC. THE BUDGET FOR THIS FILM MUST'VE BEEN SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 28 AND 29 DOLLARS. YET SOMEHOW J.J. MANAGED TO PULL IT OFF. AS FAR AS MONSTER MOVIES GO, THIS ONE IS WELL DONE, UNIQUE AND ORIGINAL...THAT IS IF YOU NEVER HEARD OF, OR SAW, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. SOME VIEWERS MIGHT NOT ENJOY HOW THIS FILM INDIRECTLY PREYS ON OUR FEARS OF TERRORISM AND INFECTION, OR DISEASE. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO WATCH THIS WITHOUT WANTING TO BEHEAD SOME EXTREMISTS, EVEN THOUGH A GIANT "SOMETHING" IS THE ACTUAL ENEMY. I RECOMMEND VIEWING THIS DISTURBINGLY FUN HOME VIDEO, BUT BE SURE TO SIT IN THE BACK OF THE THEATRE, UNLESS YOU ENJOY VOMITING. -THE MOVIE JERK

DISTURBIA (SHIA LABEOUF, CARRIE ANN MOSS, DAVID MORSE;2007)

HE'S CUTE, HE'S LOVABLE, HE'S BEEN ACTING SINCE HE WAS A FETUS, AND LIKE THE REST OF HOLLYWOOD, HE'S MAKING MILLIONS OFF POOR CAREER DECISIONS, LIKE THIS MOVIE. YOU MIGHT'VE CAUGHT HIM IN HIS PREVIOUS, MOST CHALLENGING ROLES, IN HOLES, NOT THE PORN, AND TRANSFORMERS, NOT THE PORN. HIS NAME'S SHIA LABEOUF, AND THIS, IS DISTURBIA. LUCKILY, THIS SOON-TO-BE CLASSIC STARS ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS OF THE CENTURY, DAVID MORSE. PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER HIM FROM.......SOMETHING ELSE. HE SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVES THIS MOVIE WITH HIS SPOOKY, GIANT FOREHEAD. THERE'S ALSO A REALLY HOT, UNDERAGE, FEMALE CO-STAR HAILING FROM BONERVILLE, CALIFORNIA IN THIS FUN-BAG PHENOM. CARRIE ANN MOSS MUST'VE BEEN HIGH AS A KITE WHEN SHE SIGNED ON FOR THIS MOVIE. THAT'S LIKE MERYL STREEP SIGNING ON FOR OPERATION: DUMBO DROP. THE STORYLINE IS SIMPLE. SHIA IS A PEEPING TOM WHO CATCHES HIS NEIGHBOUR MURDERING HIS DATES....TEMPTING, BUT STILL ILLEGAL. HE THEN TRIES TO STOP HIM WITHOUT IMMEDIATELY NOTIFYING THE AUTHORITIES LIKE A SENSIBLE PERSON. I WON'T DARE SPOIL THE SHOCKING ENDING FOR YOU FROM THERE. IF YOU'VE SEEN EVERY OTHER NEW RELEASE, AND SOMEONE ELSE RENTS THIS, YOU MAY WATCH IT. -THE MOVIE JERK

CHILDREN OF MEN (MICHAEL CAINE, JULIANNE MOORE, CLIVE OWEN; 2006)

THIS MOVIE IS SET IN A FUTURISTIC ENGLAND IN WHICH CLIVE OWEN STILL ACTS AND WOMEN CAN NO LONGER GET PREGNANT. I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS AS TO WHICH OF THOSE ISSUES IS ACTUALLY A PROBLEM. IF THIS STORY WERE EVEN REMOTELY FEASIBLE, CHINA WOULD HAVE A PARADE, CELEBRATING A CLEAN WATER SYSTEM NO LONGER FILLED WITH THEIR SECOND-BORN INFANT GIRLS. I WOULD ALSO HAVE A "NO PROTECTION" PARTY AND HUCKABEE WOULD CRAWL BACK INTO HIS BIBLE-BELT TIME MACHINE, RETURNING TO THE DAYS WHEN COAT-HANGERS WERE DOCTORS AND GIN WAS SCOOPED FROM A TUB. THIS FILM IS GENIUS. IT EXPOSED US TO THE BEST POSSIBLE EXTINCTION OF THE HUMAN RACE: FUCK 'TILL YOU DROP AND DIE. NO MORE TUITION, CRYING BABIES, DIAPERS, LOSER TEENS AND CONDOMS. H.I.V.? DON'T WORRY, A BOMB'LL GET YOU BEFORE YOU ORDER YOUR FIFTH SCOTCH LATTE. AFTER WATCHING THIS IMAGINARY HEAVEN I WANTED TO THROW MY DICK IN EVERYTHING WITH AN OPENING, DOWN TO A MICROWAVED CANTALOUPE. THEN I SAW A COP OUTSIDE THE THEATRE AND REALIZED MY INNER VIKING WOULD HAVE TO WAIT, UNTIL JULIANNE MOORE SIGNED ON FOR ASSASSINS 2: GILLIAN ANDERSON AND JULIANNE MOORE, DOIN' IT TWO-IN IT. THIS MOVIE'S CLASSIFIED AS A DRAMA BUT I PUT IT IN MY CATEGORY OF "HOPE." RENT IT AND REACT HOW YOU WISH.

BABEL (BRAD PITT, KATE BLANCHETT, EGO; 2006)

IN BETWEEN SAVING ORPHANS FROM EVERY SINGLE COUNTRY EXCEPT HIS OWN AND COUPLING WITH A SICK BITCH WHO'S MORE TWISTED THAN A PRETZEL; BRAD ALSO MANAGES TO CRANK OUT ARROGANT, SHIT MOVIES. PERHAPS YOU CAUGHT HIS LAST PIECE, THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES...? I DIDN'T. NOT AFTER HIS LATEST FACEFUCK, BABEL, PRONOUNCED, GIMMEE BACK MY FUCKING MONEY. BABEL IS A STORY DEPICTING THE TRAUMATIC UNISON OF THREE "UNRELATED" EVENTS/PEOPLE CONNECTED BY COINCIDENCES ABOUT A LIKELY AS ME WAKING UP WITH A 13 INCH BLACK DICK.....AND IF THAT DOES HAPPEN, YES, I WILL VOTE ALEC BALDWIN FOR PRESIDENT WITH TOM CRUISE AS HIS RUNNING MATE. WHY DO I TAKE THIS RISKY BET YOU ASK?....BECAUSE I'M HUNG LIKE A FIELD MOUSE, AND EVERY DAY I PRAY FOR MORE THAN A THIN, TWO INCH ERECT PENIS. I'D VOTE FOR MICKEY MOUSE IF I COULD JUST HAVE THE PRIVILEGE OF USING MY ENTIRE HAND FOR ONCE. WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THIS JERK-OFF OF A FILM I HOPE YOU NEVER RENT. IN THIS HOLLYWOOD ASS POUNDING, A BOY IN THE ENDLESS SANDS OF THE MOROCCAN DESERT ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTS AN AMERICAN TOURIST WITH DADDY'S RIFLE. THE CHAIN OF EVENTS SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL FROM THERE LIKE FOURTH GRADE SPIN NINJAS. LAST I CHECKED, ACCIDENTALLY KILLING SOMEONE FALLS UNDER THE CATEGORY OF MANSLAUGHTER. HOWEVER, IF YOU KILL AN AMERICAN IT'S COOL, BECAUSE WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT KILLING EVERYONE WHO GOT IN OUR WAY A MERE 232 YRS AGO WHEN WE SIGNED THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. IT STATED, AND I QUOTE,"SUCK MY NUTS KING GEORGE, YOU LOUSY, LAZY, OVERTAXING FUCK." THEN WE HAD A TEA PARTY WITH THE CELTICS. IF YOUR NOT HOWARD DEAN DON'T TOUCH THIS PIECE OF SHIT....DON'T WORRY. I HATE HUCKABEE TOO. WAIT 'TILL THE MOVIE JERK KNOCKS UP ONE OF HIS GIRLS. HE'LL CHANGE HIS TUNE REAL QUICK. -ME

BALLS OF FURY (DAN FOGLER, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN;2007)

DEER HUNTER. KING OF NEW YORK. SUICIDE KINGS.......BALLS OF FURY. CHRIS, BABE, GO FUCK YOURSELF. A LOT OF ASSHOLES, INCLUDING MYSELF, ALLOWED THIS EIGHTH WONDER OF WORLD TO RAKE IN $32,878,486 AT THE BOX OFFICE ALONE. NOT TO MENTION, THE 10MILLION OTHER IDIOTS WHO JUST TOOK A GRAVITY BONG HIT AND DECIDED TO BUY THIS TURD, ALONG WITH ALL THE SNOWCAPS IN THE VIDEO STORE...."LOOK DUDE, IT'S CALLED "CAP" BECAUSE IT'S ONLY "CAPPED" IN WHITENESS, LIKE SNOW, BUT INSIDE IT'S BROWN, LIKE THE POPULATION OF AFRICA, OR THE DARKEST BLOOD IN VOMIT INDUCED BY ALCOHOL POISONING . ERGO, SNOWCAP BRAH." YEP, THERE'S ANOTHER 12 MIL FOR BALLS OF FURY. UNFORTUNATELY, I COULDN'T SPOIL THE ENDING OF THIS MOVIE EVEN IF I WANTED TO BECAUSE I LEFT 3/4'S THROUGH AND WEPT FOR AMERICA. IF I CATCH ANYONE, AND I MEAN ANYONE, RENTING THIS "FILM," I AM GOING TO DRAW A PENIS ON YOUR CHEEK WITH A SHARPIE. SEE YOU TOMORROW MY ANGELS. - THE MOVIE JERK

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, PAUL DANO; 2008)

DANIEL DAY-LEWIS. FOR A MAN WHO MAKES MOVIES AS FREQUENTLY AS MICHAEL JACKSON GETS ACCUSED OF MOLESTATION, HE SURE MAINTAINS HIS EXTRAORDINARY CRAFT BETTER THAN A STRIPPER'S TITS. THIS 51 YEAR-OLD, ENGLISH-BORN PHENOMENON ACTS BETTER THAN GLORIA ESTEFAN DANCED THE CONGA IN '89. MAKING HIS DEBUT IN 1971'S SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY, DANIEL PROVES HE COULD STILL HOLD A CROWD EVEN IF HE ACCEPTED A SCRIPT WRITTEN BY RANDY SAVAGE. FORTUNATELY, THERE WILL BE BLOOD, IS A GRIPPING 3HR TALE AS AN ONLY CHILD, EVEN WITHOUT THE FAMILY OF TALENT THAT SIGNED ON FOR THIS OSCAR CONTENDER. ONCE YOU SEE THIS MOVIE, YOU'LL REMEMBER WHAT GREAT ACTING REALLY IS, AND PRAY THAT NICHOLSON HAS A FUCKING FAT-INDUCED HEART-ATTACK, BEFORE WE'RE SUBJECTED TO THE BUCKET LIST 2: JUST GIMME THE FUCKING CHECK. BLOOD IS THE STORY OF THE SUCCESS AND LOSSES OF SELF-MADE OIL TYCOON, DANIEL PLAINVIEW. LIKE ANY SELF-MADE INDIVIDUAL, PLAINVIEW REALIZES ONE MUST STAB, STEAL, KILL AND KNEEL TO MAKE, AND KEEP, ANY "REAL" MONEY IN THIS COUNTRY. OBVIOUSLY, WITHOUT SPOILING THE MOVIE, THERE ARE PAINFUL SACRIFICES ATTACHED TO "AMERICAN SUCCESS." FOR EXAMPLE, I HAVE A SCORCHING CASE OF HERPES AND AM GOING MAD FROM SYPHILIS, DUE TO SPENDING $500,000 ON VEGAS HOOKERS. FOR ME IT'S WORTH IT BECAUSE, LIKE BATMAN, I DON'T INTRODUCE MYSELF AS MR. MOVIE JERK. HOWEVER, IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHETHER MR. PLAINVIEW MADE THE BEST PERSONAL TRADES FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM. SEE THIS TODAY!

PAN'S LABYRINTH (IVANA BAQUERO, SERGI LOPEZ;2007-U.S.)

THIS IS THE STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL WHO CREATES AN IMAGINARY WORLD TO ESCAPE THE HORRORS OF HER REAL LIFE. HER REAL LIFE INCLUDES A DYING MOTHER, A PSYCHOTIC ARMY GENERAL STEPFATHER, AND A DEAD BIOLOGICAL FATHER; ALL SET AGAINST THE CHARMING AFTERMATH OF THE SPANISH CIVIL WAR. "AFTERMATH" OF WAR MEANS GUERRILLA WARFARE, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO BELIEVE THAT WARS ACTUALLY END WHEN SOME IDIOT-IN-CHARGE DECLARES "PEACE." I GREW UP IN A PENTHOUSE WITH NO WAR BUT I RELATED TO THIS GIRL QUITE WELL. I HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS. THEIR NAMES WERE DOUG, HEATHER, AND ROBERTO. EVERY NIGHT AT ABOUT 6PM THEY WERE WHISKED INTO MY APARTMENT BY A MAGICAL WIND CALLED "BLOW." LIKE ZEUS, THIS "WIND" WAS CREATED BY THE GOD "DEALER." WE WOULD STAY AWAKE FOR DAYS AND TAKE 24 HOUR JOURNEYS WITHOUT EVEN LEAVING THE BUILDING. LIKE OUR PROTAGONIST, OFELIA, I STAYED IN MY FANTASY WORLD UNTIL ALL MY REAL WORLD POSSESSIONS WERE GONE, SUCH AS MY T.V., TAG WATCH, CAR, I-POD AND LIFE. IT WAS OH SO MUCH FUN, UNTIL MY ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT WAS WRITING POEMS WITH THE TEARS THAT STAINED MY MIRROR. JUST AS MY LIFE WAS, THIS MOVIE IS VIVID, DISTURBING, ENTERTAINING, EXTRAORDINARY, AND REQUIRES SUB-TITLES TO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS WHAT A MOVIE SHOULD BE. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, RENT IT TWICE. -THE MOVIE JERK.

BUG (ASHLEY JUDD, MICHAEL SHANNON;2007)

THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETELY ORIGINAL AND UNIQUE. IT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENTATION ON SOLDIERS, AND "BIG BROTHER" TRACKING ITS CITIZENS.... WHICH IS WHY I STOPPED TAPPING MY FEET IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS, AND PLAYING POCKET POOL AT THE PLAYGROUND. THIS FILM IS COMPARABLE TO JACOB'S LADDER. ONE DOWNFALL IS ASHLEY JUDD'S SLIGHT WEIGHT GAIN. MAYBE SHE WANTED TO BE TAKEN MORE SERIOUSLY IN HOLLYWOOD....I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER. WHAT I DO KNOW, IS THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A FAT CHICK, EXCEPT A SKINNY CHICK WHO GOT FAT. IT'S LIKE THIS, IF YOU WERE ALWAYS POOR, WHO GIVES A SHIT? HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE RICH, THAN BECAME POOR, IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LINES OFF A STRIPPER IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM AND LINES OFF A MCDONALD'S BATHROOM TOILET SEAT.. BUT ONLY IF YOU'VE EXPERIENCED THE FORMER. ANYWHO, ASHLEY AND HER CO-STAR ASTONISHED ME WITH A SOMEWHAT DRUG-FUELED DESCENT INTO INSANITY, CAUSED EITHER BY GENUINE PARANOIA, OR THE ONLY "ROCKS" OF ANY VALUE THAT AREN'T DIAMONDS. YOU, THE VIEWER, MUST DECIDE WHAT'S WHAT WHEN YOU RENT THIS TRIP TODAY!

RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION (MILA JOVOVICH'S ASS, ODED FEHR;'2007)

GROWING UP IN THE UKRAINE, PRETTY GIRLS LIKE MILA HAVE TWO OPTIONS: BE SOLD IN THE SEX TRADE, OR "BECOME BIG AMERICAN MOVIE STAR." UNFORTUNATELY, SHE LANDED A ROLE IN THE FIFTH ELEMENT, BEFORE MY CLASS TRIP TO THE USSR. DURING WHICH TRIP, I PLANNED TO OFFER MILA'S FATHER 15 EUROS AND A PACKET OF PEANUT M&M'S FOR HIS DAUGHTER. HOWEVER, THOUGH I WAS UNABLE TO PURCHASE HER, AND SHE'S NOT CURRENTLY CHAINED TO MY REFRIGERATOR, I APPRECIATE MILA'S ACTING STYLE. ESPECIALLY THE RESIDENT EVIL FRANCHISE: NO TALKING, FLASH ASS, SHOOT GUNS, DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA. THAT'S MY TYPE OF GIRL, A HOT, DUMB, DEAF, MUTE. HER CRAFT IS ACTUALLY VERY NICHOLSONESKE WITHOUT THE TALENT. IN THIS EXTRAORDINARY FILM ACCOMPLISHMENT, SHE KILLS LOTS OF ZOMBIES WHO HAVE CONTRACTED A FLESH EATING DISEASE. THERE'S NOT MUCH TO IT. RESIDENT EVIL IS PART OF THE VIDEO GAME/MOVIE GENRE. SHIT CONSTRUCTED FOR THE TRULY BRAIN-DEAD. IF YOU LIKE ZOMBIES, HOT CHICKS, AND POT, YOU'VE HIT THE JACKPOT WITH RESIDENT EVIL: EXTINCTION.

SHOOT 'EM UP (CLIVE OWEN, PAUL GIAMATTI;2007)

THE SECOND I LEAVE MY MANSION IN THE MORNING I SEE UGLY PEOPLE, FAT PEOPLE, AND JUST GENERALLY DISGUSTING PEOPLE OF SOME LESSER VALUE THAN MYSELF. THAT'S WHY I NEVER DRIVE WITH MY WINDOWS DOWN AND, THAT'S WHY I DRIVE FAST. REAL FAST. SO THE PUBLIC CAN'T TOUCH OR BREATHE ON ME. SO, WHEN I GO TO THE MOVIES I DON'T GO TO SEE THE GENERAL PUBLIC PRETEND TO ACT. I GO TO SEE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE DO DANGEROUS SEXY THINGS, LIKE SCREW ATOP SPEEDING CARS WHILE SHOOTING GUNS. I DON'T GO TO SEE PAUL GIAMATTI WIGGLE AROUND AND CLIVE OWEN'S ACNE SCARS DIMPLE EVERY TIME HE ACTS ANGRY. I HUNG OUT WITH PAUL GIAMATTI ONCE AT A BAR. IT WAS LIKE TRYING TO PICK UP CHICKS WITH A FUCKING LEPER COLONY ESCAPEE. I COULDN'T EVEN GET MY DOG TO LICK PEANUT BUTTER OFF MY BALLS AFTER HUMOURING THAT ATROCITY WITH MY COMPANY. ANYWAY, THIS MOVIE IS ALL STUPID, STUPID ACTION WITH NO REAL STORY LINE, EXCEPT THAT CLIVE'S CHARACTER IS TRYING TO SAVE SOME HOOKER'S BABY. THAT'S A HORRIBLE SYNOPSIS, BUT THIS MOVIE ISN'T EXACTLY LETHAL WEAPON. IT'S COMPLETE NONSENSE. ANYONE WOULD BE A FOOL TO RENT THIS, AS I AM FOR SEEING IT. GOD BLESS.

DEATH SENTENCE (KEVIN BACON;2007)

ASIDE FROM BEING A PHOTO OF ME AT WORK THE ABOVE IMAGE IS ALSO KEVIN BACON IN DEATH SENTENCE. WHEN I SAW THIS MOVIE IN THEATRES I SUDDENLY REALIZED IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN OUT ON VIDEO FOR 30 YEARS UNDER THE TITLE, DEATH WISH. THIS IS THE STORY OF A MILD-MANORED INSURANCE EXEC WHO GOES BATSHIT CRAZY AFTER HIS SON'S MURDER. WITHIN 1HR AND 50 MIN THIS GUY GOES FROM TELLING HIS CLIENTS TO ALWAYS WEAR SHIN GUARDS, TO GUTTING EMINEM'S FRIENDS IN THE SEEDIEST SECTIONS OF DETROIT. I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE NICE SECTIONS OF DETROIT. THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT AS REALISTIC AS DUMBO OR ME VOTING FOR HILARY CLINTON. HOWEVER, IT'S ALWAYS FUN TO SEE NORMAL PEOPLE LOSE IT, BUT YOU NEED NOT PAY 10 DOLLARS TO DO IT. JUST SWING BY ANY MORTGAGE OFFICE AROUND 1PM FOR THE NEXT YEAR AND YOU MIGHT VERY WELL BE SHOTGUNNED BACK TO THE HOUSE THE BANK STOLE FROM YOU, AFTER RAPING YOU OF YOUR NET WORTH. HAVE NICE DAY. DON'T RENT THIS. -THE MOVIE JERK

HALF NELSON (RYAN GOSLING; 2007)

WELL THIS IS ALMOST TOO EASY. WE'VE GOT CRACK, RACISM, AND A TEACHER OF A SHITTY INNER-CITY PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM OF GOD KNOWS WHERE. IF I TAUGHT, I'D FULLY RELATE. THIS MOVIE DISTURBED ME SO WELL I BROKE EVERY MIRROR IN THE HOUSE AND STOPPED READING. JUST KIDDING, I ACTUALLY HID UNDER MY BED RE-MEMERIZING MY MULTIPLICATION TABLES VIA THOSE CHINESE TABLE THINGS. NOT BECAUSE I LIKE MATH OR THE CHINESE (P.C. 101 NO PROBLEM WITH CHINESE) BUT BECAUSE THERE'S NO ADDITION NECESSARY WHEN THE SLIDING MAGIGS ARE CRACK ROCKS. I SMOKE 1 I SMOKE 2 BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. EITHER WAY, IF I GO GREEN, I GET TAKEN OVER BY THE CHINESE, THANKS TO HOLLYWOOD, AND NOW HAVE TO DROP MY NEW BORN GIRLS IN THE LOCAL RIVER. GIMME CRACK, AND GIMMEE THE RICHEST POOR IN THE WORLD. BRIT'S HOOKED UP TO A GURNEY WITH A TODDLER HOSTAGE? FUCK YOU. BI POLAR? FUCK YOU. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT WITH 700,000$ INCOME A MONTH I, AND WE, DON'T GIVE A SHIT. I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I LOVE THIS TEACHER. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. I LOVE HOW SICK AND REAL IT IS. I JUST ROLLED UP PAGES FROM PEOPLE MAGAZINE AND USED SOME TO SNORT A PROSAIC/COKE COCKTAIL AND THE OTHER TO READ WHILE I TOOK THE ANXIETY INDUCED SHIT. THIS MOVIE IS SCARY AND FANTASTIC, BUT DON'T WATCH IT BACK TO BACK WITH REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. MORAL: RICH & ADDICTED/CRAZY = AWW POOR BABY. POOR AND ADDICTED/CRAZY = DEAD. SUPERFICIAL WRITER, COME AT ME. YOU WERE FAR TO LIGHT.

BATMAN BEGINS (CHRISTIAN BALE, MICHAEL CAINE;2005)

IN LIGHT OF THE NEW BATMAN ARRIVING IN THEATRES SOON, I THOUGHT I'D REVIEW THE MOST RECENT BATMAN TO REMIND YOU OF HOW GREAT IT WAS. I ACTUALLY MET THE REAL BATMAN ONCE. HE'S NOT QUITE WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK. HE'S A WEALTHY DRUG ADDICT NAMED WINSTON GATES. ONE NIGHT WHEN HE WAS FLYING ON PCP HE KNOCKED OUT A STRIPPER WHO'D BEEN DANCING ON HIS COFFEE TABLE, RIPPED OFF HER LEATHER ATTIRE AND TURNED IT INTO WHAT WE NOW KNOW AS THE BAT SUIT. HE THEN PROCEEDED TO JUMP OFF HIS BALCONY BECAUSE HE WANTED TO "MASTURBATE AIRBORNE." NEEDLESS TO SAY HE BROKE HIS BACK. HE NOW DONATES MOST OF HIS INHERITANCE TO STEM CELL RESEARCH IN HOPES THAT HE MAY ONCE AGAIN PUT ON HIS "BAT SUIT" WITHOUT THE ASSISTANCE OF 5 NURSES.....BUT THAT'S WHAT BEING A SUPER HERO IS ALL ABOUT, SACRIFICE. WHICH IS WHY THE PUBLIC SO ADORES THIS FRANCHISE. RENT THIS AGAIN BEFORE THE SEQUEL HITS THEATRES.

SPIDERMAN 3 (TOBEY MAGUIRE, KIRSTEN DUNST; 2007)

TOBEY MAGUIRE SHOULD BE IN COSTUME THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE. NOT BECAUSE I LIKE SPIDER-MAN'S SEXY TIGHTS THAT MUCH, OR THE LOADS HE SHOOTS FROM HIS WRISTS, BUT BECAUSE HE'S SO PATHETIC. IT'S OBVIOUS HE WAS SHOVED IN HIGH SCHOOL LOCKERS, JUST AS MUCH AS IT'S OBVIOUS MR. CLEAN IS AN O.C.D. NEO-NAZI. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SKIN-HEAD ARIAN IS STILL IN ADS. COULD YOU IMAGINE MR. CLEAN'S BEGINNINGS, WHEN HE WAS SELLING DOOR TO DOOR AND SUDDENLY FOUND HIMSELF IN A BLACK NEIGHBOURHOOD WITH A BOTTLE OF WINDEX AND THAT QUEER TWINKLE IN HIS EYE? ..."HI, I'M SCOTT CLEAN AND YOUR WINDOWS LOOK A LITTLE DUSTY.' 'I CAN ALSO FLOSS THAT ILLEGAL PARAPHERNALIA FOR YOU.' 'THAT IS IF YOU'D PREFER A CLEANER HIT AND BETTER VIEW?" WOW. THE FACT THAT THAT 80'S COMMERCIAL MISTAKE WASN'T STRUNG UP AND SHOT GUNNED IS TRULY SUPERHUMAN. TOBEY MAGUIRE MAKES ME FEEL AS SAFE AS THAT GIRL DRIVING WITH TED KENNEDY IN '69. YOU REMEMBER, BRIDGE, BOOZE, CRASH, DEATH, COVER UP. FORTUNATELY, SPIDERMAN DOESN'T EXIST AND THE KENNEDY CURSE DOES. THE FORMER BECAUSE IT'S A CARTOON, AND LATTER BECAUSE THEY FUCKING DESERVE IT. THIS MOVIE SUCKED.

THE ORPHANAGE (BELEN RUEDA, ROGER PRINCEP;2007)

THIS HORROR FILM IS VERY SIMILAR TO NICOLE KIDMAN'S THE OTHERS. THE PROTAGONIST GREW UP IN A SPOOKY ORPHANAGE FROM WHICH SHE HAS FOND MEMORIES. 30 YEARS LATER, AFTER THE ORPHANAGE WAS LONG CLOSED, SHE DECIDES TO REOPEN IT TO HOUSE DISABLED YOUTH, RETARDS, DEFORMED FREAKS AND FAT KIDS. BASICALLY A BUNCH OF UGLY, BRAIN DEAD BIRTH DEFECTS THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN ADOPTED BY THE CIRCUS. THERE'S A HYSTERICAL PARTY SCENE FOR THE ORPHANAGE'S OPENING DAY WHERE THE NEW KIDS ARE ALL RUNNING INTO WALLS, WEARING MASKS, AND TRYING TO EAT CAKE WITH THEIR FOREHEADS VIA FORKS WITH CORKS ON THE PRONGS. THAT WAS WORTH 10$ RIGHT THERE. SUDDENLY THE "REAL" FRIGHTS BEGIN WHEN THE MAIN CHARACTER'S ACTUAL CHILD (WHO, BY THE WAY, IS ADOPTED AND H.I.V. POSITIVE), GOES MISSING AFTER FOLLOWING HIS IMAGINARY, OR NOT SO IMAGINARY FRIENDS, INTO A DARK BEACH COVE. THE MOTHER NATURALLY BEGINS FRANTICALLY SEARCHING FOR THE LITTLE SHIT AND FINDS HIM IN THE LEAST EXPECTED PLACE OF ALL.......LIKE A COPPERFIELD SEX OFFENSE CHARGE, IT'S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT'S REAL, WHAT'S NOT, AND WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH? NO MATTER WHAT, THIS FOREIGN IMPORT IS NOTHING SPECIAL, AND NO ONE LIKES SUB-TITLES. ESPECIALLY ANY INNER-CITY GROCERY-BRAGGER WHO WAS LET DOWN BY THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM. HAPPY NU YERE!

THE BUCKET LIST (JACK NICHOLSON, MORGAN FREEMAN, CHEMOTHERAPY; 2007)

48 YEARS OF FILM MAKING, MULTIPLE OSCARS, AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET? WITHIN THE FIRST 5 MINUTES OF THIS "COMEDY" BOTH STARS ARE DIAGNOSED WITH TERMINAL CANCER. THAT'S WHEN I KNEW THIS MOVIE WOULD BE ALL LAUGHS. BECAUSE APPARENTLY CANCER IS A HOOT. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S JACK NICHOLSON WHO'S DYING AND WHO'S TRADEMARK ACTING STYLE, HIS EYEBROWS, ARE BEING OVERSHADOWED BY HIS FAT. NOTHING SAYS HUMOR LIKE WATCHING TWO 70-YEAR-OLDS SHAVE THEIR HEADS, VOMIT PROFUSELY, AND ATTEMPT TO HOLD DOWN SOLID FOODS. I'M PRETTY SURE EVERYONE OVER 65 IN THE THEATRE CRIED, LEFT, AND WENT TO PREPARE THEIR WILLS. THIS FILM SHOULD'VE BEEN CLASSIFIED AS SCI-FI, BECAUSE THE CHANCE OF TWO MEN SKYDIVING, RACING CARS, AND DINING IN THE SAFARI, HOURS AFTER CHEMO, IS ABOUT AS BELIEVABLE AS CHEWBACA KNOCKING ON MY DOOR AND INVITING ME TO A NEW YEAR'S PARTY. HOWEVER, IF CANCER REALLY IS THIS FUN, I'M GOING TO RUN A MARATHON WITH AN ASBESTOS-DOUSED HANDKERCHIEF TIED AROUND MY FACE. THE BUCKET LIST JUMPS FROM "COMEDY" TO DRAMA TOO QUICKLY AND IS SIMPLY HORRIBLE, POORLY CONSTRUCTED, AND RIDICULOUS. DO NOT SEE THIS.