SEMI-PRO (WILL FERRELL, WOODY HARRELSON, THE TALENTED MEMBER OF OUTCAST;2008)

I RESPECT THE FACT THAT WILL FERRELL KNOWS HE'S GOT A WINNING FORMULA AND SHOWS NO SIGNS OF BRANCHING OUT. HE GAVE DRAMA A CHANCE WITH WINTER PASSING AND QUICKLY REALIZED HOUSES DON'T PAY FOR THEMSELVES. I EXPERIENCED A SIMILAR SITUATION ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO WHEN I REALIZED COCAINE DOESN'T PAY FOR ITSELF EITHER. HOWEVER, VIA THE BARTER SYSTEM, HOUSES CAN PAY FOR COCAINE. MY REVELATION CAME WITH AN ADDITIONAL COMFORT, THAT BEING, REAL ESTATE BROKERS DON'T POINT LOADED GUNS AT YOUR FACE. SINCE THEN, I'VE FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY TWICE WITH A SHINING GRIN, AND BEGAN TRADING RENTAL CARS FOR 8 BALLS. THE LATTER BEING MY SPECIAL "FUCK YOU" TO ALLSTATE CAR INSURANCE FOR ASSASSINATING PRESIDENT PALMER. (24 FANS MAY LEAVE THEIR THANKS IN THE COMMENT BOX). I'VE PONTIFICATED ABOUT MYSELF BECAUSE ANY VIEWER WHO CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE PLOT OF THIS FILM SHOULD BE,

A. A CHIMPANZEE

B. A BLENDER

C. A COMBINATION OF A + B & GREEN

D. ALL OF THE ABOVE

IT'S ALL RIGHT JOHNNY. I FAILED THE S.A.T.Z BY REFUSING TO ACCEPT THE 200 POINTS FOR FILLING OUT YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME. I put "X's" INSTEAD OF "FILLING" IN THOSE BUBBLES....AND I "Xed" THE MOVIE JERK. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'M WORTH 9 DOLLARS IN CHANGE, I CRY IN MY SLEEP, AND THE LAST GIRL THAT BLEW ME WAS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER. ANYWAY, IF YOU LIKE WILL FERRELL'S COMEDIES, YOU'LL LOVE THIS. IF YOU DON'T, SAVE YOUR MONEY. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. -TMJ

THE WICKERMAN (NICOLAS CAGE, ELLEN BURSTYN;2006)

THE STUDIO COULD'VE HIRED MR. PEANUT TO PLAY THIS ROLE AND I GUARANTEE THE CRITICS WOULD'VE GIVEN THIS FILM BETTER REVIEWS. I'M CONVINCED NICK CAGE WOULD BE THE SPOKESMAN FOR TAMPAX IF SOMEONE WROTE HIM A LARGE ENOUGH CHECK...."HI, I'M NICK CAGE. IN THE 25 YEARS SINCE I MADE VALLEY GIRL I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THE INCONSISTENCIES OF HOLLYWOOD. HOWEVER, ONE CONSTANT I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON IS MY HEAVY FLOW. WHICH IS WHY I TRUST TAMPAX: THE FRESHER, BETTER PAD...." WHAT AN ASSHOLE. THE LAST TIME CAGE MADE ANYTHING WORTH WATCHING, ED HARRIS STILL THOUGHT HE HAD A SHOT AS A LEADING MAN. IN THIS GOD-AWFUL REMAKE, CAGE STARS AS A HIGHWAY PATROL OFFICER WHO LOOKS LIKE THE MISSING THIRD PARTNER FROM CHIPS. HIS CHARACTER IS INVESTIGATING A GIRL WHO MYSTERIOUSLY DISSAPEARED ON HIS HIGHWAY BEAT. THE INVESTIGATION BRINGS HIM TO A REMOTE VILLAGE INHABITED BY UNATTRACTIVE PAGANS. HOW THEY CONTINUED TO REPRODUCE AMONGST THEMSELVES WAS BEYOND ME. ANYWAY, BIG SHOCK!, THEY KIDNAP AND SACRIFICE KIDS AND NOSY COPS....IF ONLY LIFE HAD IMITATED ART IN THIS PARTICULAR SCENARIO, WE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SUBJECTED TO NATIONAL TREASURE 2: YO FUCK THE GOV'MENT. DO NOT RENT WICKERMAN '06, BE SURE TO PICK UP THE ORIGINAL FROM 1973. -T.M.J.

LADY IN THE WATER (PAUL GIAMATTI, BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, FREDDY RODRIGUEZ;2006)

BEFORE M. NIGHT SHAMALAN'S THE HAPPENING (NO IT'S NOT A B.E.T. SITCOM) HITS THEATRES, I WANT YOU FORGET THE SIXTH SENSE AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT HAS M. DONE IN THE PAST 8 YEARS THAT I'VE ENJOYED?" YOUR ANSWER SHOULD BE, "OH YEAH! THAT AMERICAN EXPRESS COMMERCIAL STARRING HIMSELF AND ALL THE SHITTY CHARACTERS HE'S CREATED." AND YOU WOULD BE CORRECT. HOWEVER, THERE ARE A FEW AMAZING ELEMENTS IN THIS PARTICULAR ACHIEVEMENT. THE FIRST IS THAT SOMEONE IN HOLLYWOOD ACTUALLY THINKS PAUL GIAMATTI CAN HOLD A MOVIE, AND THAT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WANTS TO PAY TO LOOK AT HIS FACE. THE SECOND IS THAT RON HOWARD MANAGED TO CREATE SOMETHING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN APOLLO 13, THAT BEING BRYCE HOWARD. HOWEVER, I THINK SHE MIGHT'VE BEEN MOLESTED BECAUSE SHE BARES AN EERILY SIMILAR RESEMBLANCE TO DARYL HANNAH IN RON HOWARD'S SPLASH....AND WE ALL KNOW THAT MERMAID WAS DIRECTLY CREATED FROM RON'S SEXUAL FANTASIES. THE THIRD IS THAT FREDDY RODRIGUEZ CAN FIND WORK. IN CASE YOU FORGOT THE PREMISE, THIS FILM IS ABOUT A FAIRY TALE CREATURE, CALLED A "NARF," WHO'S STUCK IN OUR WORLD. MOST OF THE FILM FOCUSES ON THE WOLF-LIKE PREDATORS TRYING TO PREVENT THIS "NARF" FROM RETURNING TO HER FANTASY LAND. WHAT THE FILM SHOULD'VE FOCUSED ON IS WHETHER OR NOT THESE "NARFS" HAVE THE APPROPRIATE GENITALIA FOR INTERCOURSE. 'CAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN SAVING SOMETHING YOU CAN'T FUCK.... FAIRY TALES AND DIAPERS ARE FOR BABIES AND THE ELDERLY. LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY M.. PLEASE STOP. GO FUCK YOURSELF. -THE MOVIE JERK.

I COULD NEVER BE YOUR WOMAN (MICHELLE PFEIFFER, PAUL RUDD;2007)

YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU JUST GIVE UP. FOR THE MOVIE JERK IT'S ABOUT HALF THE YEAR. THAT HALF BEGAN YESTERDAY WHEN THE MOVIE JERK RENTED THIS. THIS IS BASICALLY A POOR REMAKE OF THE FILM PRIME STARRING UMA THURMAN. IT'S A ROMANTIC COMEDY STARRING TWO ACTORS WHO HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAT DAY. THE PLOT REVOLVES AROUND THE OFTEN HUMOROUS ISSUES THAT ACCOMPANY AN OLDER WOMAN RECAPTURING HER YOUTH WITH A YOUNGER MAN. I CAN ONLY HOPE EVERY WOMAN DEDUCED THE SAME MESSAGE I GOT FROM THIS MOVIE....IF YOU LOOK LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER NO GUY WILL GIVE FLYING FUCK ABOUT YOUR AGE. 46? GET IN THE BED. 35? PUT THE SEAT BACK. 17? ONLY WITH YOUR PARENTS' CONSENT AFTER THE FACT. OCCASIONALLY, THE MOVIE JERK ACTUALLY LIKES THESE FILMS. I PRETTY MUCH ENJOY LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ANY MAN, WHETHER IN LIFE OR ON SCREEN, WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO RUFFEE HIS DATES TO GET LAID. I THINK IT'S AN ADMIRABLE QUALITY. PLUS THAT SHIT'S ILLEGAL AND EXPENSIVE. I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE A SWEET TOOTH FOR G.H.B. MYSELF, WHICH CAN QUICKLY TURN ANY NIGHT OUT INTO A TORNADO OF REGRET, POLICE, AND DEBT. IF YOU ENJOY FLUFFY COMEDIES AND SEEING PEOPLE HAVE SEX WITHIN THE BOUNDARIES OF THE LAW, RENT THIS CHARMER.

STEP UP 2: THE STREETS (BRIANA EVIGAN, ADAM G. SEVANI;2008)

THIS IS AN ACCIDENTAL COMEDY ABOUT OVERCOMING SOCIETAL BOUNDRIES THROUGH THE MAGIC OF DANCE. BY "DANCE" I MEAN GIRATING LIKE A HOMELESS MAN ON PCP IN 1986....."YO, MUTHERFUCKA! WHAT!? YOU WATCH MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MOVES AND AIN'T PUT NO MONEY IN MY CUP? FUCK YOU BITCH-ASS WHITE BOY." IT'S THOSE POSITIVE MEMORIES I HAVE OF NEW YORK THAT MADE IT SO HARD TO LEAVE. AS SEEN IN STEP UP 2, DANCE REALLY CAN CONQUER ALL. DANCING WAS ACTUALLY INVENTED MANY CENTURIES AGO WHEN PEOPLE FORGOT HOW TO SPEAK AND NEEDED TO "BREAK THE ICE" IN ORDER TO HAVE SEX. IT SINGLE-HANDEDLY SAVED THE HUMAN RACE. DANCE CAN ALSO WORK AGAINST THE SYSTEM. WHY JUST RECENTLY IT WAS THE SOLE REASON MICHAEL JACKSON WAS AQUITTED ON TEN COUNTS OF PEDOPHILIA. WITHOUT THRILLER, HE WOULD DEFINETLY BE IN JAIL. I'LL STOP NOW. THERE'S JUST NO WAY THE MOVIE JERK CAN COMMUNICATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS FILM BETTER THAN TH FILM'S TAGLINE ITSELF: "IT'S NOT WHERE YOU'RE FROM, IT'S WHERE YOU'RE AT." PURE FUCKING GENIUS. REMEMBER KIDS, JOE CAMEL SAYS,"ALWAYS END YOUR SENTENCES WITH PREPOSITIONS (*WHAT A SQUIRREL CAN DO TO A TREE OR I CAN DO TO A GIRL).' 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T COOL IF YOU BE EDUCATED.' 'SMOKE UP.'" PLEASE DO NOT SEE THIS FILM.

VANTAGE POINT (DENNIS QUAID, MATHEW FOX, IDI AMIN, ELLEN RIPLEY;2008)

FROM MY VANTAGE POINT THIS MOVIE SUCKED. YES, I WAS SHOCKED TOO. JUST IN CASE YOU MISS THE FIRST HALF HOUR OF THIS MOVIE, DON'T WORRY. YOU GET TO WATCH IT 6 OR 7 MORE TIMES. THERE'S ABSOLUTELY ZERO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. THE VIEWER FEELS ABOUT AS MUCH EMPATHY FOR THE STARS AS HE OR SHE DOES FOR PEOPLE IN THE NEWS. THERE'S ONE REDEEMING CAR CHASE WHICH WAS OBVIOUSLY CHOREOGRAPHED BY THE SAME GUY WHO DID THE BORN IDENTITY. OL' PIRATE-EYES WHITAKER'S CHARACTER IS JUST AS UNECESSARY AS ALL HIS OTHER CHARACTERS SINCE GOOD MORNING VIETNAM. HIS CAMCORDER IS MORE RELEVANT TO THIS ABSURD PLOT THAN HE IS. THE STUDIO COULD'VE SAVED MONEY AND PAID A SPANISH BUM TO PLAY HIS PART. I ALSO NEVER REALIZED DENNIS QUAID IS A BAD ACTOR. GRANTED I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT HE'S DONE SINCE INNER SPACE....AND WE ALL KNOW MARTIN SHORT WAS THE REAL STAR IN THAT FILM. THE PLOT TWIST IN VANTAGE POINT IS ABOUT AS EXCITING AS DROPPING YOUR BALLS IN A HOT CUP OF TEA. WHICH, LIKE THIS GIANT LET-DOWN, I DON'T RECOMMEND. I'M SURE WITH ALL THE HYPE SURROUNDING THIS MOVIE YOU'LL WASTE 10 DOLLARS ON IT ANYWAY. FEEL FREE TO LEAVE COMMENTS TELLING THE MOVIE JERK HE WAS RIGHT ONCE YOU'VE SEEN IT.

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING (AARON ECKHART, MARIA BELLO;2006)

THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON UNPROTECTED SEX, LIQUOR, MEASLES, STUPID HATS WITH BUCKLES, ABSURD RELIGIONS TELLING US NOT TO FUCK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT, AND A TURKEY DINNER WITH SOME NATIVES WE LATER KILLED. THIS LOVELY CINEMATIC WORK OF PURE HONESTY TELLS IT LIKE IT IS....SMOKING DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER. SMOKING MAKES YOU LOOK COOL, SMELL GOOD, AND GET LAID. IF YOU DON'T SMOKE THREE PACKS OF UNFILTERED CAMELS A DAY AND DRINK BEFORE, AFTER, AND ESPECIALLY DURING ANY DRIVE, YOU'RE A GOD DAMN NANCY AND FUCKING TERRORIST. THE NEXT TIME SOME HEALTH NUT PULLS THAT "FAKE COUGH" SHIT WITH YOU, "DISCREETLY" ENCOURAGING YOU TO EXTINGUISH YOUR CIGARETTE, YOU BETTER KNIFE THAT BASTARD AND SHOVE BURNING EMBERS IN HIS EYES. I LOVE GIRLS THAT SMELL LIKE CIGARETTES. BECAUSE IT MEANS THEY PROBABLY DRINK HEAVILY TOO, AND THEREFORE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ATTRACTED TO ME SOMETIME BETWEEN THE HOURS OF MIDNIGHT AND 4AM. GOD BLESS R.J. REYNOLDS. GOD BLESS CIGARETTE LOBBYISTS. AND GOD BLESS THIS MOVIE!........YOU MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE YOU. -T.M.J. - OUT!

THE INVISIBLE (JUSTIN CHATWIN, MARQARITA LEVIEVA, POOR SCRIPT;2007)

WHEN I FIRST HEARD ABOUT THIS MOVIE I THOUGHT IT WAS A DOCUMENTARY CONCERING MINORITIES DURING THE REAGAN ERA. TO MY SURPRISE, THIS FILM FOCUSED ON A MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TOPIC: THE UNDEAD. IN A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY, A GEEK WITH A BUTT-CUT IS BEATEN AND LEFT FOR DEAD...AND RIGHTFULLY SO. UNFORTUNATELY, HE FALLS INTO A COMA AND HIS SPIRIT LEAVES HIS BODY. HE’S THEN FORCED TO WATCH HIS MOTHER, AND THE POLICE SEARCH FOR HIM IN EVERY SINGLE LOCATION EXCEPT THE ONE WHERE HIS DYING BODY IS ACTUALLY LOCATED. INSTEAD OF DOING THE APPROPRIATE THING, LIKE MASTURBATING IN STRANGE LOCALES, SUCH AS THE GIRL’S LOCKER ROOM, OR RANDOM OFFICE PARTIES, BOTH OF WHICH ARE FAR LESS RISKY WHEN YOU’RE INVISIBLE, OUR LEADING MAN DOES HIS BEST TO ASSIST WITH HIS CASE. BECAUSE IF THE AUTHORITIES DON’T FIND HIS BODY BEFORE IT DIES, HE’LL BE REINCARNATED AS THE HAMBURGLAR. EITHER THAT OR HE DIES FOR REAL. I CAN’T REMEMBER. AS A MATTER OF FACT, THE MOVIE JERK LEFT THE THEATRE FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES TO SMOKE A JOINT, SO SOME OF THE PLOT AND DETAILS ARE A LITTLE HAZY. HOWEVER, IF YOU’RE ON DRUGS TOO, YOU CAN ENJOY THIS CHEAP THRILL. GRANTED, YOU COULD ALSO ENJOY STARING AT FORK. HOWEVER, IF YOUR NOT ON DRUGS, I RECOMMEND RENTING ABOUT 3 OR 4 OTHER NEW RELEASES BEFORE THIS LITTLE GUY.

HE WAS A QUIET MAN (CHRISTIAN SLATER, ELISHA CUTHBERT;2007)

...BUT NOT QUIET ENOUGH! 'CAUSE HE STILL MADE THIS GOD DAMN MESS. WOW....WHO KNEW?...WHEN CHRISTIAN SLATER'S NOT BUSY PLAYING GRAB-ASS ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK, SNORTING THE WHITE OUT OF COCAINE, OR BITING HIS FIANCE, HE STILL LIKES TO MAKE THE OCCASIONAL MOVIE. WE CAN'T BLAME THE STUDIOS THOUGH. THEY'RE CLEARLY STILL HIRING HIM BASED ON HIS CAREER DECISIONS AND AUDIENCE DRAWL FROM '85-'94. THAT INCLUDES EVERYTHING HE DID BEFORE BROKEN ARROW. I'D RATHER WATCH DIFF'RENT STROKES ON MUTE ALL DAY THAN BE SUBJECTED TO ANY SCENE FROM THAT FILM, EVER AGAIN. HE WAS A QUIET MAN IS THE STORY OF BOB MACONEL. A GROWN UP COLUMBINE AND VIRGINIA TECH GRADUATE WHO HAS THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF A THUMB TACK. RIGHT BEFORE MACONEL IS ABOUT TO BLOW AWAY HIS OFFICE, SOMEONE ELSE DOES IT FOR HIM. SINCE MACONEL ALREADY HAS A LOADED WEAPON, HE EASILY STEPS INTO THE ROLE OF HERO BY KILLING THE OTHER PSYCHO-LOSER. ALSO INJURED IN THIS BLOOD BATH, WAS VENESSA, JACK BAUER'S DAUGHTER. MACONEL SAVED HER LIFE BUT SHE WAS STILL PARALYSED IN THE SHOOTING. THE REST OF THE MOVIE FOCUSES ON THEIR STRANGE RELATIONSHIP AND HER DESIRE TO DIE. BLAH BLAH BLAH. WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE LIKE MACONEL. WE THROW ROCKS AT THEM, SHIT IN THEIR LUNCH BOX, LIGHT THEIR GERBAL ON FIRE....WHATEVER. WHAT WE DON'T DO IS MAKE A MOVIE BASED ON THEM. ONE OF THESE LOSERS IS PROBABLY AIMING AT ME RIGHT NOW. THAT'S WHY THE MOVIE JERK IS STICKING OUT HIS MIDDLE FINGER AND GRABBING HIS BALLS WHILE DOING 360 DEGREE TURNS.....IF YOU WANT TO BE BORED, OR YOU'RE OBNOXIOUSLY ARROGANT AND CREATIVE, RENT THIS.

UNTIL DEATH (JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME, STEPHEN REA;2007)

I DIDN'T KNOW "THE MUSCLES FROM BRUSSELS" WAS STILL ALIVE. IN 1995 MY MOTHER TOLD ME HE HAD HERNIATED A DISC ON THE SET OF UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, VIRTUALLY ENDING HIS CAREER. IT WAS A NECESSARY LIE I CHOSE TO BELIEVE. I ASSUMED HE WAS REDUCED TO TEACHING MARTIAL ARTS TO FAT KIDS IN QUEENS, OR SOME OTHER HORRIBLE FATE. TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST ON THE SET OF LEGIONAIRE. LATER IN LIFE I DISCOVERED THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS COCAINE PROBLEM. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS CRUSHED. HOWEVER, HE'S BACK! UNFORTUNATELY, I'M NOW OLD ENOUGH TO REALIZE JEAN-CLAUDE CAN'T ACT. YET ANOTHER PIECE OF JOY THE GODS HAVE CRUELLY STRIPPED FROM ME. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, DOLPH LUNDGREN WILL LOSE HIS CONTRACT WITH ROCKY IV PRODUCTIONS. I JUST GOT CHOKED UP. ANYWAY, IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, AND WANT TO HELP VAN-DAMAGE PAY OFF HIS DEALERS, RENT THIS RAY OF HOPE. UNTIL DEATH STARS JEAN-CLAUDE AS A HEROIN ADDICTED COP IN NEW ORLEANS. A REAL SCUMBAG. AFTER A DRUG DEAL GONE HAYWIRE, JEAN-CLAUDE'S CHARACTER, ANTHONY LOWE, ENDS UP IN A COMA. HIS WIFE IS ALSO KIDNAPPED. AFTER A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY, LOWE BECOMES A ONE MAN REVENGE MACHINE!...IT'S NO DEATH WARRANT BUT IT'S DEFINETLY DEAD-LY. I DON'T ACTUALLY RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE, UNLESS IT'S PURELY FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE. -TMJ

JUMPER (HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JAMIE BELL, DIANE LANE;2008)

I'M REALLY PROUD OF HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN. OBVIOUSLY HE HAD CEREBRAL PALSEY AS A CHILD BUT STILL FOLLOWED HIS DREAMS ONCE HE CAUGHT THE ACTING "BUG." HE'S MANAGED TO LAND SOME MAJOR ROLES EVEN THOUGH HIS RANGE CONSISTS OF TWO FACIAL FEATURES. ONE FEATURE IS "ALOOF SMILE/BLANK STARE," FOR THE LADIES, AND THE OTHER EXPRESSION IS THE CLASSIC "WIDE-EYED/OH SHIT I'M GONNA DIE," CREATED BY JAMES DEAN ON SEPTEMBER 30TH, 1955. AFTER READING HAYDEN'S BIO, I WAS AGHAST WHEN I DISCOVERED RON JEREMY WAS NOT HAYDEN'S ACTING COACH. JUDGING BY HIS PERFORMANCE IN JUMPER, I COULD'VE SWORN "THE HEDGEHOG" WAS BEHIND THIS YOUNG OSCAR CONTENDER. VETERAN ACTOR SAMUEL L. JACKSON, WHO TRIES HIS BEST TO DISGUISE HIMSELF AS SISCO'S SPERM-DONOR IN JUMPER, HAS REALLY COME FULL CIRCLE. FOR JEWELS, JUMPER IS LIKE A TWO HOUR EXTENSION OF HIS MAGNIFICENT MONOLOGUE IN PULP FICTION. THE ONE WHERE HE SAYS, "MY NAME IS THE LORD!...." THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT HE DOES AGAIN IN THIS MOVIE: SCREAM AT WHITE PEOPLE. EXCEPT THIS TIME IT'S WITH REALLY POOR WORD CHOICE. DIANE LANE HAS A 4 MIN CAMEO IN THIS ANOMALY. SHE MUST BE DESPERATE TO AVOID THE HOLLYWOOD PORN SCENE. IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T GATHERED, THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST. THERE'S APPROXIMATELY 30 LINES OF DIALOGUE. THERE ISN'T ANY EXPLANATION AS TO WHY THESE KIDS CAN TELEPORT. NOR DID THE SCRIPT BOTHER TO INFORM US, WHY A GROUP OF PEOPLE NAMED "PALINS" HAVE BEEN CHASING THESES "JUMPERS" FOR CENTURIES. I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS UGLY SINCE THE ELEPHANT MAN. STAY HOME AND PLAY WITH THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

SAW IV (SCOTT PATTERSON, TOBIN BELL;2007)

I DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE MOVIE FOR YOU, BUT... IT'S A TRAP! JIGSAW, THE CANCER PATIENT WHO APPARENTLY DOESN'T NEED PROPER MEDICAL CARE, AND WHO WAS MORE DIFFICULT TO KILL THAN SADDAM HUSSEIN, IS FINALLY DEAD. SO IS HIS APPRENTICE AMANDA. YET, MIRACULOUSLY, THE ABSOLUTE, FUCKING STUPIDEST AUTHORITIES ON THE PLANET MANAGE TO CONTINUE PLAYING HIS GAMES VIA AN AUDIO TAPE DISCOVERED IN JIGSAW'S STOMACH. THE TAPE WAS DISCOVERED DURING HIS AUTOPSY. AFTER THE LAST REMAINING S.W.A.T. AGENT IS ABDUCTED, THE FBI ONLY HAS A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME TO PIECE TOGETHER JIGSAW'S LATEST PUZZLE BEFORE THEY FACE THE BLOODY CONSEQUENCES. THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION FOR SAW IV'S CRACKPOT TEAM OF INVESTIGATORS, IS TO CONTINUE FALLING INTO EVERY SINGLE TRAP INSTEAD OF CUTTING THEIR LOSSES AND MOVING ON TO ANOTHER CASE. THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE MADE THE FIRST SAW EIGHT HOURS LONG. THE SEQUELS JUST DON'T CHANGE THAT MUCH. BY THE FOURTH SAW THE JIGSTER'S KILLED 8-10 COPS, 2 DOCTORS, RANDOM PEDESTRIANS AND I THINK SOME POOR KID'S TURTLE WAS DUCT-TAPED TO A FRYING PAN. NOT TO MENTION, JIGUMS HAS BEEN IMMOBILE SINCE THE FIRST FILM. HOW HE CONTINUALLY FOILS THE F.B.I. IS BEYOND ME. HOWEVER, IF YOU LIKED THE THIRD SAW YOU'LL LIKE THIS ONE. IF YOU STOPPED WATCHING THIS FRANCHISE AFTER THE FIRST SEQUEL, DON'T BOTHER RENTING THIS. - T.M.J.

THE WIND THAT SHAKES THE BARLEY (CILLIAN MURPHY, LIAM CUNNINGHAM;2007)

THIS FANTASTIC MOVIE EXAMINES THE TIES THAT CAN UNITE OR DESTROY FAMILIES AND COUNTRIES. THE SETTING CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIFIC FILM IS 1920’S IRELAND. TO PUT THIS IN PERSPECTIVE, 1920’S IRELAND WAS ABOUT AS SAFE AS 1980’S HARLEM. UNLESS YOU WERE ARMED WITH A CRACK PIPE, SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN, ADIDAS, AND A SICK RYHME, YOU DIDN’T BREAK DANCE ACROSS 110TH STREET. THE PRIMARY IRISH ACTIVITY OF THE 1920’S, ASIDE FROM DREAMING OF NEW WAYS TO COOK POTATOES, WAS FIGHTING THE VICIOUS "BLACK AND TAN." THE "BLACK AND TAN" WERE A GROUP OF ENGLISH PRICKS SENT TO BLOCK IRELAND’S INDEPENDENCE. FORTUNATELY, THE ENGLISH UNDERESTIMATED THEIR OPPONENTS, AS USUAL, AND WERE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THAT THE IRISH WERE NOT TOO DRUNK TO FIGHT AND ACTUALLY DID HAVE "MORE RYHMES THAN COPS IN A DUNKIN’ DONUTS SHOP." ASIDE FROM THE SLAUGHTERING, WIND PROVIDES A DISTURBING PORTRAYAL OF THE RAPIDLY CHANGING DYNAMICS OF FAMILIES AND FRIENDSHIP DURING WARTIME. THE MOVIE JERK RECOMMENDS RENTING THIS ACCOMPLISHMENT TODAY.

SHOOTER (MARKY MARK, DANNY GLOVER, NED BEATTY;2007)

AS YOU CAN TELL BY THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT, MARK WHALBERG WAS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE TO PLAY A SNIPER. IT’S QUITE EVIDENT HE’S A MASTER OF CAMOUFLAGE, STEALTH, DISIPLINE, AND HAND TO HAND COMBAT. I’M SURE THE PRODUCERS ALSO TOOK INTO CONSIDERATION THE FACT THAT THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE THE NECESSARY MARINE TRAINING REQUIRED FOR THIS ROLE. THIS SIGNIFICANT FINANCIAL RELIEF STEMS FROM HIM RECEIVING SED TRAINING IN THE MASTER PIECE RENAISSANCE MAN. IT WAS ALSO DURING THE CINEMATIC FEAT, RENAISSANCE MAN, WHERE MR. MARK CULTIVATED HIS EXTRAORDINARY CRAFT. HIS CRAFT AND LIMITLESS ACTING REACH WERE ESPECIALLY NOTICABLE IN 1997’S BOOGIE NIGHTS, WITH HIS PERFECT DELIVERY OF UNFORGETABLE LINES SUCH AS, "IT’S MY BIG DICK AND I WANT TO SHOOT THE SCENE NOW." THIS SAME CRAFT LEAD TO HIS OSCAR NOMINATION FOR THE DEPARTED, IN WHICH MR. MARK PLAYS AN ASSHOLE FROM SOUTH BOSTON. THIS WAS AN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT STRECH FOR MR. MARK, WHO IS ACTUALLY AN ASSHOLE FROM DORCHESTER, MASSACHUSETTES. SHOOTER IS ABOUT A SNIPER WHO IS FRAMED TO LOOK LIKE HE ASSASSINATED THE PRESIDENT. FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE FILM, AFTER HE’S FRAMED, HE’S ON THE RUN TRYING TO CLEAR HIS NAME. NOT MUCH TO IT. HOWEVER, IT’S DEFINETLY A FUN MOVIE. THE MOST AMAZING ASPECT IS THAT IT CO-STARS DANNY GLOVER. I GUESS INBETWEEN SUPPORTING HUGO CHAVEZ AND FINDING OTHER WAYS TO SHIT ON AMERICA, MURTAUGH STILL LIKES TO WORK AND PICK UP CHECKS HERE. WAY TO GO YOU COCK. SHOOTER ALSO COSTARS NED BEATTY. HE’S THE GUY THAT GOT SODOMIZED IN 1972’S DELIVERANCE. IT’S ALWAYS A BLAST TO MONITOR HIS PROGRESS. RENT SHOOTER. -TMJ

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (MERYL STREEP, ANNE HATHAWAY;2006)

ACCORDING TO THE TITLE, THE DEVIL REALLY DOES WEAR PRADA. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.... IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE FRIGHTENING THAN AN ETERNITY IN FLAMES, IT'S TED KENNEDY. I'M JUST KIDDING. IT'S ANY OF THE LIVING KENNEDYS. (THAT SPECIFICALLY DISCLUDES JOHN, BOBBY, JON-JON, A.K.A, "WINGS," AND JIMMY HOFFA). HOWEVER, RELEVANT TO THIS CINEMATIC SMASH, HELL IS ASSISTING AN OFFICE FULL OF EMPOWERED SINGLE WOMEN AND HOMOS. OOPS. I'M SORRY. DID THAT OFFEND ANYONE? IF SO, PLEASE REDIRECT YOURSELF TO WWW.I GIVEAFUCKABOUTYOURFEELINGS.COM. AHH YES, THE FASHION INDUSTRY. A MAGICAL WORLD WHERE UGLY WOMEN DRESS THEIR PRETTY, BULIMIC COUNTERPARTS, AND THE MEN SIP DAIQUIRIS BETWEEN 8 BALL INDUCED DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR......INTRODUCING THE NEW WINTER G-STRING LINE BY FREDERICK FRANX GUSTAUF: "IF YOU'RE NOT A SIZE -2, YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN PUBLIC UNTIL YOU SELL YOUR FAT FOR BLOW....(DEEP VOICE OVER) GUSTAUF, BUY IT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE EUROS AND BECAUSE BABIES ARE OPTIONAL." ALLRIGHT THEN, HERE'S THE CURVE BALL, THE MOVIE JERK THOUGHT THIS FILM WAS HYSTERICAL. GRANTED, WHEN THIS MOVIE WAS RELEASED, I STILL HAD $5,000 WORTH OF CREDIT, AN UNSOLD FLAT SCREEN, 30MG OF VIAGRA, AND WAS WEARING NOTHING BUT A SPEEDO AND A CASHMERE SWEATER. SO I WAS LAUGHING AT A LOT OF THINGS THOSE DAYS. STILL, SEE THIS MOVIE. SEE IT BECAUSE FASHION IS AN EXCUSE FOR THE ANONYMOUS TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTANT. SEE IT BECAUSE I NOW DRESS NAKED TO AVOID THE NEWEST TRENDS. SEE IT BECAUSE WE ONLY CARE ABOUT NUMBER ONE. SEE IT TO IMAGINE THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HATHAWAY'S BEAUTIFUL PALE SKIN AND PINKEST NIPPLES. AND ON THAT NOTE, THE MOVIE JERK IS SIGNING OFF.

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD (BRAD PITT, CASEY AFFLECK;2007)

YOU COULD STARE AT THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT FOR THREE HOURS AND BE JUST AS ENTERTAINED AS YOU WOULD BE WATCHING THIS CRY FOR HELP. JUDGING BY BRAD'S DECISION MAKING LATELY, I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT HE HAS SIGNED OVER POWER OF ATTORNEY TO MADDOX, OR SOME OTHER CITIZEN REPRESENTING ONE OF THE MANY COUNTRIES RESIDING IN HIS HOUSE.... "GOD DAMN IT BRAD, WE'RE NOT DONE ADOPTING UNTIL WE HAVE ALL THE COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW. NOW WE CAN MAKE THE WHITE ONES FOR FREE, BUT I NEED YOU TO BUY PURPLE AND GREEN TODDLERS TODAY. ALSO, I'VE HEARD THERE'S A JAUNDICED BABY IN ARGENTINA WHO'S TURNING INTO AN ATTRACTIVE YELLOW HUE."... THANK YOU ANGELINA, FOR EXPOSING US TO NEW, STARVING RACES ON A WEEKLY BASIS. ALL KIDDING ASIDE THOUGH, THIS MOVIE'S SLOWER THAN CHRIS BURKE. T.A.J.J.C.R.F. IS NARRATED LIKE A DOCUMENTARY. THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS, IT'S NOT HISTORICALLY ACCURATE, NOR IS IT FILMED LIKE A DOCUMENTARY. SO, UM, THAT JUST SUCKS RIGHT THERE. THE ACTING IS DECENT, BUT NOT WORTH THE HOUR LONG GAPS BETWEEN ANY ACTION OR CONFRONTATION. VIEWERS COULD SEE MORE ACTION ON THE 405 FREEWAY. I RECOMMEND STAYING FAR AWAY FROM THIS FILM. THE MOVIE JERK IS NOW GOING TO CALL TIME WARNER CABLE AND CLAIM A BURGLAR BROKE IN AND ORDERED THIS PIECE OF SHIT, ALONG WITH THE 15 PORNS AT 5AM. GOD BLESS. - TMJ

IN BRUGES (COLIN FARELL, BRENDAN GLEESON, RALPH FIENNES, CLEMENCE POESY;2008)

EITHER THERE REALLY ISN'T ANY FLOURIDE IN THEIR WATER OR EUROPEANS ACTUALLY BRUSH THEIR TEETH WITH COFFEE AND CAT SHIT. IN BRUGES IS THE STORY OF TWO HUMOROUS HITMEN BANISHED TO THE HISTORIC, BELGIUM CITY, BRUGES, AFTER BOTCHING THEIR LASTEST ASSIGNMENT IN ENGLAND. THIS MOVIE ALMOST MANAGES TO JUMP FROM TEAR-JERKING DRAMA TO COMEDY WITHOUT A SECOND'S NOTICE. HOWEVER, IT'S A LITTLE UNEVEN. IT'S LIKE WATCHING REQUIEM FOR A DREAM AND THE FIRST SEASON OF PERFECT STRANGERS IN THE SAME DAY, OR PUTTING MUSTARD ON ICE CREAM, OR GETTING BLOWN BY A TRANNY. ALL AMUSING THINGS ON THEIR OWN, BUT COMBINED THEY CAN BE VERY UNSETTLING......."I SEE STREET HOOKERS PREFER WIGS TO REAL HAIR THESE DAYS. DO YOU HAVE CANCER?......OH MY GOD YOU'RE A FUCKING MAN! PASS ME A TRASH CAN, A KLONDIKE, SOME GREY POUPON AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE." SEE WHAT I MEAN. DON'T LEAVE HOME. IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE. PARANOIA ASIDE THOUGH, THE ACTING IS QUITE GOOD, THE STORY IS SOMEWHAT ORIGINAL, AND THERE'S A SCENE IN THIS FILM INVOLVING COCAINE, ACID, COLIN FARRELL AND A DWARF. FOR THIS SCENE ALONE, THE MOVIE JERK RECCOMENDS BUYING A TICKET TO IN BRUGES, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY TO SUPPORT FOCUS FEATURES FOR RELEASING A MOVIE INVOLVING DRUGS, A MIDGET AND A DRUNK IRISH ACTOR.

KNOCKED UP (SETH ROGEN, PAUL RUDD, LESLIE MANN, KATHERINE HEIGL;2007)

AFTER A ONE NIGHT STAND, AN ATTRACTIVE ENTERTAINMENT JOURNALIST FINDS HERSELF HUNGOVER AND PREGNANT WITH SOME FUCKING LOSER’S KID. APPARENTLY OUR FEMALE STAR HAS MANAGED TO SUSTAIN HER COMPLETE INNNOCENCE AND NAIVETE IN THE DRUG-FUELED, FAST-PACED WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT. SHE CAN’T HOLD HER LIQUOR WORTH A DAMN, SHE WON’T HAVE WEEKLY ABORTIONS, WHICH IS JUST ABSURD, AND AT 24 YEARS OLD, SHE HASN’T MANAGED TO FIND AN EFFECTIVE FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. SHE’S BASICALLY RIGGED TO RUIN LIVES IN A SINGLE NIGHT, SUCH AS THE LIFE OF OUR FAT, IDIOT PROTAGONIST. HER INEFFECTIVE, OR LACK OF, BIRTH CONTROL IS JUST PLAIN FOOLISH. NOT ONLY DOES THE "THE PILL," OR PATCH, ACT AS A CROCODILE-FILLED MOAT, DETERRING SPERM LIKE THEY'RE MEDIEVAL KNIGHTS ATTACKING A CASTLE, IT’S ALSO PROVEN TO PREVENT STD’S, ALIEN INVASION, STOP TERRORISM, AND BOOST THE ECONOMY. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED THIS GIRL IS A TOP RANKING MEMBER OF AL QUEDA. SHOCKINGLY, KNOCKED UP AMASSED 150 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE. THIS LEADS ME TO BELIEVE THOUSANDS OF IMBECILES VIEW ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY AS HUMOROUS AND CUTE. THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT PREGNANT WOMEN OR KIDS. THE FORMER ARE HORMONAL, COMPLETELY INSANE AND USELESS. THE LATTER ARE EXPENSIVE AND SHIT EVERYWHERE. THERE’S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT……SUPERBAD WAS FANTASTIC THOUGH. NICE COMEBACK.

THE BRAVE ONE (JODIE FOSTER, TERRANCE HOWARD;2007)

AFTER LOSING THE ROLE OF BATMAN TO CHRISTIAN BALE, JODIE FOSTER RELUCTANTLY SIGNED ON AS ANOTHER CRIMESTOPPER IN, THE BRAVE ONE. IN IT, JODIE STARS AS SHE-RA, NEW YORK CITY'S MAN-CRUNCHING, LESBIAN OF DEATH. (NOTE FOR THE SLOW, SHE ACTUALLY STARS AS ERICA BANE, MURDEROUS, TRAUMATIZED, RADIO D.J.). AFTER A TRAUMATIC INCIDENT IN WHICH HER BOYFRIEND IS VIOLENTLY MURDERED, ERICA LEARNS TO COPE LIKE ANY OTHER AVERAGE CITIZEN. SHE ILLEGALLY PURCHASES A GUN AND STARTS PUMPING HOLES INTO SKETCHY PEOPLE. SOON LABELED AS A VIGILANTE, ERICA DEVELOPS SERIOUS MORALITY ISSUES OVER WHETHER WHAT SHE'S DOING IS RIGHT, OR COMPLETELY WRONG. THIS INTERNAL CONFLICT LASTS ABOUT AS LONG AS IT TAKES HER TO RELOAD. SHE THEN CONTINUES AVENGING HER BOYFRIEND THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, AIMLESSLY SPRAYING BULLETS IN CONFINED SPACES WHILE SMOKING MARLBORO LIGHTS. BALLS CLARICE, BRASS BALLS. THOUGH A LITTLE FAR FETCHED, IT IS ALWAYS REWARDING TO WATCH AN AVERAGE JANE TRANSFORM INTO A MERCILESS JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER..... REWARDING ENOUGH THAT I, THE MOVIE JERK, VOICE OF A THOUSAND CRITICS, MAN AMONG FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, PURVEYOR OF CINEMATIC WISDOM, RECOMMEND THIS RENTAL.

YOU KILL ME (BEN KINGLSEY, TEA LEONI, LUKE WILSON;2007)

GHANDI'S BACK! IN THIS DARK ROMANTIC COMEDY. THIS TIME HE MEDITATES LIKE REST OF THE WORLD, WITH A BOTTLE OF VODKA AND A LOADED GUN. FOR THIS CHALLENGING ROLE GHANDI DROPPED THE ROBE, THE HUMMING, AND THE 'TUDE. GHANDI '08 MORPHED INTO THIS PART WITHOUT A PRAYER. HE STARS AS AN ALCOHOLIC HITMAN FOR THE POLISH MOB IN THIS BAG OF LAUGHS. GHANDI'S CHARACTER, FRANK, IS TRANSPLANTED FROM BUFFALO TO SAN FRANCISCO AFTER HE DRUNKENLY SLEEPS THROUGH A CRUCIAL "HIT." WHILE IN SAN FRAN, FRANK ATTENDS A.A. MEETINGS, NAILS THE GIRL FROM BAD BOYS, AND GETS A DAY JOB IN A MORTURARY. MY GOD! IT'S COMIC GENIUS! LUKE WILSON ALSO SKIPS THROUGH THIS FILM WITH THE ENTHUSIAM OF A DETOXING HEROIN ADDICT.... JESUS. I'M DONE......SERIOUSLY PEOPLE...WHAT HAS BEN KINGSLEY STARRED IN THAT WAS TRULY ENTERTAINING? EXCEPT FOR SNEAKERS OF COURSE. FOR A KNIGHTED, OSCAR WINNER, HE SURE KNOWS HOW TO SHIT THE BED WHEN CHOOSING ROLES. DARE I SAY, "GHANDI'S SNEAKERS?"

THE HOAX (RICHARD GERE, ALFRED MOLINA;2007)

RICHARD GERE’S EYES APPEAR TO BE COLLAPSING INTO THEMSELVES. UNLIKE MOST AGING MALE MODELS THOUGH, HE’S MANAGED TO GRACEFULLY SLIP INTO VARIOUS ROLES THAT FOCUS LITTLE ON HIS FEATURES. HIS ROLE IN THE HOAX, AS CLIFFORD IRVING, THE CON-MAN WRITER WHO PENNED AN UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY OF O.C.D. FREAK, HOWARD HUGHES, IS ONE SUCH EXAMPLE. RICHARD GERE’S COME A LONG WAY SINCE ACCEPTING ANY ROLE THAT EITHER INVOLVED HIM PLAYING A WHORE OR PAYING FOR ONE. (SEE AMERICAN GIGALO AND THAT MOVIE WITH THE CHICK THAT HAS A MOUTH FOR A HEAD AND NEVER TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF,THOUGH SHE’S A STREET PROSTITUTE). HAHAHHAHA. REMEMBER THAT SCENE WHERE GERE SNAPS THE NECKLACE CASE ON JULIA ROBERT'S HAND AND THEY BOTH GIGGLE. THAT WAS CUTE. RIDICULOUS, BUT CUTE. LAST TIME I INVITED SOME SKANK OF THE STREET TO MY HOTEL ROOM I HAD TO EXIT VIA THE BALCONEY TO HIDE THE MURDER WEAPON IN TIME. I GUESS THAT SCENARIO WAS A LITTLE TO REAL FOR HOLLYWOOD. IT’S TOUGH TO GET A PG-13 RATING ON A FILM TITLED: DEAD HOOKER, SCARED BANKER. ANYWHO, ALWAYS TRUE TO HIS MEDIOCRE ACTING ABILITIES, RICHARD GERE STILL MANAGES TO ENTERTAIN IN THIS SATIRICAL DRAMEDY ABOUT LIES, WIVES, AND NO-TALENT ASSHOLES TRYING TO MAKE A BUCK. FEEL FREE TO RENT THIS WITHOUT REPROCUSSIONS.

THE HUNTING PARTY (RICHARD GERE, TERRANCE HOWARD;2007)

GOOD ACTING. BAD SCRIPT. LIKE CAESAR DRESSING. YOU COULD POUR THAT STUFF ON A TURD AND NOT REALIZE YOU’RE EATING SHIT UNTIL YOUR DATE VOMITS. THIS IS THE STORY OF THE PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL LIVES OF ACTION JOURNALISTS, STATIONED IN POST WAR BOSNIA. THIS MOVIE IS A SATIRE WITH SUDDEN DRAMATIC ELEMENTS THROWN AT THE VIEWER LIKE FAST BALLS. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO REACT. IT’S LIKE TRYING TO PROVIDE THE APPROPRIATE REACTION TO JOE PESCI’S GOODFELLA’S CHARACTER. YOU'RE CLUELESS AS TO THE OUTCOME. SHOULD I CRY? SHOW FEAR? LAUGH? JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE? ANYWAY, IF YOU LIKE RICHARD GERE OR TERRANCE HOWARD, RENT THIS MOVIE BECAUSE IT ONLY ACCUMULATED $876,671 AT THE BOX OFFICE. WHICH, IN HOLLYWOOD, MEANS HARVEY WEINSTEIN HAS AN $876,671 PRICE ON YOU HEAD…..MONDAY SUCKS.

THE EYE (JESSICA ALBA, ALESSANDRO NIVOLA, PARKER POSEY;2008)

WELL, LIONSGATE EVENTUALLY HAD TO DISTRIBUTE A BAD MOVIE. BETTER SOONER THAN LATER. I'M JUST SURPRISED IT DIDN'T STAR SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR TOBIN BELL. THIS MOVIE STARS JESSICA ALBA AS A BLIND GIRL WHO REGAINS HER SIGHT BY SURGICALLY TRADING EYES WITH A MEXICAN GIRL WHO SAW THE DEAD, IMMEDIATLY BEFORE, AND AFTER THEY MET THEIR VARIOUS ENDS. UNFORTUNATELY, HOLLYWOOD STEPPED IN AND PROVIDER JESSICA ALBA'S CHARACTER WITH A 29 YEAR OLD MALE MODEL FOR A DOCTOR." THIS "DOCTOR" SPECIALIZES IN TEACHING THE HUMAN BRAIN TO ADAPT TO THE SENSORY OVERLOAD THAT ACCOMPANIES UNEXPERIENCED VISION. WHICH, APPARENTLY, ASSAULTS THE MIND LIKE A MARS BAR TO AN ETHOPIAN. DOC HOLLYWOOD COMES EQUIPPED WITH THE STANDARD FIVE O' CLOCK SHADOW AND HIS G.E.D. GRANTED, IF JESSICA ALBA WERE MY DOCTOR, I'D REQUEST A PROSTATE EXAM AND ADAMANTLY DENY THE POSTIVE TEST RESULTS FOR THE CLAP. WAIT A MINUTE... IF I COULD SEE THE DEAD, I COULD SLEEP WITH THE DEAD, AND LAST I CHECKED IT'S STILL "'TILL DEATH DO US PART." WHICH MEANS, NO ALIMONY, NO PREGNANCY, NO WEIGHT GAIN, 'CAUSE THE DEAD DON'T EAT, AND ALWAYS A RESERVATION FOR ONE WITH A SIDE OF, "HEY MY WIFE'S DEAD! WHAT'LL YOU DO FOR A HIT AND A HOT POCKET LITTLE LADY?" THERE AREN'T ANY SURPRISES IN THIS MOVIE IN TERMS OF THE STORY. HOWEVER, THE CHEAP THRILLS ARE OBNOXIOUS AND EVERYWHERE, BUT DRIVING DOWN THE 405 FREEWAY IS STILL MORE EXCITING.