BODY OF LIES (RUSSELL CROWE, LEONARDO DICAPRIO; 2008)

LEONARDO DICAPRIO HAS DECIDED TO RELEASE HIS MOST MEDIOCRE MOVIE SINCE GROWING PAINS. BODY DEPICTS HOW EASILY TERRORISTS CAN DESTROY OUR MODERN WORLD WHEN DICAPRIO DOES NOT GROW THE APPROPRIATE FACIAL HAIR FOR A ROLE. IT WAS VERY PROMINENT YET SOMEHOW SPARSE, LIKE IN BRITISH PORN, AND LOOKED LIKE IT WAS PRONE TO CATCHING TAPAS. IN THE WORLD OF SPIES THIS IS A BIG NO NO. IT MAKES THE ENEMY UNEASY AND HIGHLY UNPREDICTABLE, AS WELL AS THE AUDIENCE. LEONARDO'S CO-STAR RUSSELL CROWE HAS APPARENTLY BEEN INTRAVENOUSLY CONSUMING LUNCHABLES FOR THE PAST 8 YEARS SINCE HE LAST PARTNERED WITH DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT IN GLADIATOR. THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO GAIN THAT SORT OF WEIGHT DURING THE DAY ALONE. THERE'S A COUPLE OTHER CAMEOS IN HERE, PRIMARY BOLLYWOOD TYPES PLAYING AL QUAEDA MEMBERS. THEY'RE HOPING TO MAKE IT BIG ONE DAY IN A REAL MOVIE, MAYBE SKIP THE LINE AT SOME NEW L.A. NIGHT CLUB ONCE THEY DO AND GET LAID BEFORE CHRIST COMES BACK....RUSSEL CROWE DOES NOT HAVE A PONY TAIL IN THIS MOVIE BUT IF YOU LOOK REALLY HARD, AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLE, AT JUST THE RIGHT MOMENT, WITH JUST THE RIGHT EYES, YOU MIGHT SEE A RAT-TAIL.