THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON (BRAD PITT, CATE BLANCHETT, WRINKLED PENIS, CGI; 2008)

2008 WAS PRETTY SWEET. IT LEFT ME WITH THE SAME WARM FEELING I GOT WHEN A $75 HOOKER, WHOM I TIPPED WITH PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS, GAVE ME CRABS. THAT WARM FEELING THEN TURNED INTO A BURNING ITCH AND A DEEP HATRED FOR ANYTHING WEARING HEELS AND SMELLING LIKE TACO BELL. LUCKILY, FOR BRAD PITT, 2008 WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER YEAR. HE WOKE UP, RODE HIS FRENCH SERVANT TO THE KITCHEN, ATE A GOLD BAR, ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED HIS CERTIFIABLE PARTNER WITH SOME FOREIGN SPERM (BLASIAN, MIDGET, CLOWN, HIPPO, OBAMA, WHATEVER WAS LEFT IN THE FRYING PAN), AND WENT TO WORK. WHILE ON HIS WAY TO WORK, PITT PICKED UP AN 80 YEAR OLD MAN RESEMBLING SOMETHING WE'VE ALL SLEPT WITH AFTER A TUESDAY NIGHT BAR HOP AND PROCEEDED TO MAKE A FILM WITH HIM. THE SHINING STAR THAT CAME OUT OF THAT CHANCE ENCOUNTER WAS, BENJAMIN BUTTON. THE TOUCHING TALE (AND IT IS SUCH A TALE) LOOSELY BASED ON THE SHORT STORY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD WROTE IN A BATH OF ABSINTHE AND ROSE PEDALS. THE STORY FOLLOWS A MAN WHO AGES BACKWARDS AND A GIRL WHO AGES REGULARLY. THEY FALL IN LOVE BUT KNOW IT CAN'T LAST BECAUSE THEY'RE PASSING EACH OTHER IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. THERE'S A BUNCH OF OTHER TEAR-JERKING SHIT IN THIS MOVIE BUT THE MORAL IS SIMPLE: LIFE IS TOUGHER THAN HOLDING IN A FART DURING A SPINNING CLASS. WHEN YOU'RE BORN IN YOUR EIGHTIES YOU BECOME QUICKLY AWARE OF THIS AND THEREFORE APPRECIATE EVERY LITTLE MOMENT. THE MOVIE JERK GIVES THIS COMEBACK CRYSTAL 15 STARS. BEST THING BRAD PITT'S DONE SINCE HE GOT THAT BLACK KID.