SORORITY ROW (RUMER WILLIS & THE ATTRACTIVE BACK-UPS; 2009)

THE BLOND GIRL FEATURED IN THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS PREPARED FOR A DATE WITH THE MOVIE JERK. THAT, IS HOW IT'S DONE. NOW, LET'S GET TO IT... IN 1699 SARAJEVO WAS SET ON FIRE BY PRINCE EUGENE OF SAVOY AFTER A RAID. IN 1878 SARAJEVO WAS CONQUERED BY THE AUSTRIA-HUNGARIAN EMPIRE AS PART OF THE TREATY OF BERLIN. THAT'S 106 YEARS BEFORE THE TERMINATOR WAS RELEASED IN THEATRES STARRING THE ONLY OTHER THING THAT MADE AUSTRIA RELEVANT, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. IN 1914, FRANZ FERDINAND, WAS "TAKEN OUT" (PUN INTENDED) IN SARAJEVO. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ATTENDED THE DETROIT PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM, THE ASSASSINATION OF FRANZ FERDINAND RECEIVED CREDIT FOR SPARKING WORLD WAR 1. IN 1992, SARAJEVO WAS SUBJECTED TO THE LONGEST SIEGE IN MILITARY HISTORY. SARAJEVO HAS SINCE HAD A LITTLE DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING TO POST-WAR REALITY. I'M PROVIDING THIS HISTORY LESSON FOR YOU BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOVIE JERK KNOWS A BAD INVESTMENT. THAT BEING SAID, THE MOVIE JERK WOULD RATHER YOU INVEST YOUR LIFE SAVINGS INTO PROPERTY IN SARAJEVO, THAN INVEST 10 DOLLARS IN THE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME THAT IS SORORITY ROW. THIS MOVIE STARS RUMER WILLIS, AND FOUR RECENTLY-EMPLOYED HOOKERS, AS SORORITY SISTERS STALKED BY A FELLOW SISTER WHOM WAS ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED IN A HORRIBLE PRANK. IF ONLY THIS WERE BASED ON A TRUE STORY. THE MOVIE IS SIMILAR TO I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER EXCEPT THAT IT STARS RUMER WILLIS AND NOT JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. WHICH IS SOMEWHAT LIKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MOVIE STARRING SOMEONE VERY ATTRACTIVE AND A MOVIE STARRING RUMER WILLIS. THE RUMOUR'S TRUE, THAT CHICK'S UGLY. BELIEVE ME, YOU'D RATHER FUCK SHIT. I GIVE THIS MOVIE, A GALAXY OF STARS FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY TO INSULT THE PUBLIC SO SOON AFTER THE RECOGNITION OF GLOBAL WARMING. -TMJ