IF YOU ENJOYED THE POUNDING YOU RECEIVED FROM THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT IN THE LATE 90'S, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY FOCUSES ON A FAT GIRL PURSUED BY A GHOST. IT'S SIMILAR TO THE MOVIE GHOST FROM 1991 EXCEPT WITHOUT THE WITTY BANTER BETWEEN PATRICK SWAYZE AND AUNT JEMIMA. MAYBE "FAT" WAS AN OVERSTATEMENT. HOWEVER, BY THE END OF THIS MOVIE I COULD ONLY ASSUME THIS GHOST WAS HALF IN THE BAG. TMJ ACTUALLY FELT BAD FOR IT. EVEN WITH THE GIFT OF INVISIBILITY THE ONLY CHICK THIS APPARITION COULD SNEAK UP TO WAS A PLUMP GRAD STUDENT WHO COULDN'T TURN ON A TELEVISION.
THE BIG GIRL'S BOYFRIEND, MICHAH, IS A DAY TRADER WHO CAN APPARENTLY IGNORE THE STOCK MARKET FOR A MONTH TO CHASE GHOULS AROUND HIS SAN DIEGO HOME. WHAT I COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT MICHAH IS WHY HE DIDN'T LEAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND EVEN BEFORE HER GHOST PROBLEM, NOT TO MENTION AFTER. "HI, I'M MICHAH. THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND KATIE. SHE'S A STUDENT OF ENGLISH WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO INCOME. SHE'S OVERWEIGHT, OBNOXIOUS AND MOST RECENTLY, SHE'S MANAGED TO PISS OFF THE UNDERWORLD."
THIS MOVIE BUILDS VERY, VERY SLOWLY. THE ONLY TEMPORARY RELIEF FROM IT'S MONOTONY COMES IN THE FORM OF A MIDDLE-AGED MALE PSYCHIC WHO OBVIOUSLY SIGNED ON FOR A FREE SANDWICH. I'D LOVE TO SEE THE SHIT HOLE IN WHICH THEY FOUND THAT GRIFTER.
(PICTURE A MAN SITTING ON A COUCH IN A BABY-BLUE, STAINED BATHROBE.....AND THEN, A KNOCK AT THE DOOR....)
"HELLO. SO YOU'RE THE PSYCHIC WHO INVESTIGATED THE FAT-GRAD STUDENT HAUNTING?"
"YOU BETCHA. RIGHT NOW I'M SENSING YOU DIDN'T CLOSE THE FRONT DOOR AND I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER. SO, BEFORE I SIGN ANYTHING, I PREDICT YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO DILEMMAS?"
"OF COURSE. SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE?"
"WELP. THE FIRST TIME I MET THE YOUNG GIRL MY ABILITY TOLD ME THIS GHOST WAS A CHUBBY-CHASER. SO I TOLD JIGGLES TO GET ON A TREADMILL AND THE HAUNTING WOULD GO AWAY."
"THAT'S IT?"
"NO....I LIKE DOUBLE-PLY."
LOOKS LIKE A BIG WIN TO ME. IF YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF CREAKING NOISES, SHITTY HOME VIDEO, AND ANNOYING CONVERSATION, THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE END OF THIS MOVIE. HOWEVER, YOU'LL ONLY ENJOY THIS MOVIE IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED EVERYTHING IS REAL. TMJ WAS NOT.
21 comments:
I think that the boyfiend is retarded
MOVYE JERK IM YO MAMA
hello TMJ did you find a day job? you should quit and dedicate full time to review movies.
The Movie Jerk has no mother or father. I was never born. I just appeared. -TMJ
I do have a real job. I'm an escort and Ebay seller.
The Movie Jerk is Back! Is there anyway to get an email reminder when you come out of a weeklong "hiatus" to post a review? Normally, I just assume you're dead and go back to reading Rotten Tomatos or AnneCoulter.com
jerk jerky jerk
this woman sure is fat, i got tired on day 11 of seeing her obese body bouncing around sleep walking
4 posts a year, nice...
NOW 5, MOAB
and what kind of name is micah anyway
She aint fat she's what a woman should have - curves. Great ass and and she can sure fill a shirt with those tits. unless you prefer women shaped more like men?
Dear Bertha, "curves" is just a euphemism for fat. Just be honest. You're fat so you're sticking up for other fatties. I support sticking up for your people. Good for you.
Shes hot, I'd nail her no question. The fact she isn't tiny, with fake breasts makes it easier to relate to her as a real person, making her all the more attractive.
THE MOVIE JERK IS BACK BABY!
I am neither impressed by this fool's inability to troll or his lackluster shock routine. It just saddens me that a ramble blog with such little quality appears on the first page of a google search of the actors' names.
This shows up at the top of Google search? That's great news. You Sir, are a doll.
c'mon TMJ, you got something going on here, we are here all cute with made up names waiting for you to show up and make our days, or insult you, either way.
Your such a D**k for calling this girl fat! i mean she isn't the skinniest but thats down right mean. I mean Chubbers?! really immature and just cause i'm standing up for her won't mean i am fat (bc im not) it means i have morals and respect. unlike others.
That must have been a 3 paragrpah typo. I would never call someone fat. Either that, or my account was hacked. The Movie Jerk is a sensitive Blog that cares about your feelings and would like to take this opportunity to raise awareness to the obesity epidemic, the fucking idiot epidemic and the people who truly give a shit about B-Movie star's feelings epidemic.
Regards,
TMJ
Movie jerk please come back, the world needs you! Pls review looper
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