FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL (JASON SEGEL,RUSSEL BRAND, KRISTIN BELL, MILA KUNIS;2008)

BETTER THAN KNOCKED UP. FUNNIER THEN GARY DOURDAN AT COACHELLA. NO SUPERBAD. I’VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF LIMITING THE ACTORS IN THIS PHOTO TO THE FUNNY ONES….. "BUT…BUT…MR. MOVIEJERK THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO…." TMJ: "I KNOW PETEY. NOW KEEP LICKING THE WINDOWS ‘TILL THE BUS COMES TO A FULL STOP. AND DON’T YOU QUIT SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE FACE. REMEMBER, PEOPLE WHO CONTROL THEIR BODY MOVEMENTS AREN’T SPECIAL LIKE YOU. AND WHY AREN’T THEY SPECIAL PETEY?"….PETEY: "WHEN IT'S BROWN FLUSH IT DOWN?" TMJ: "AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME KID. WAY TO CORK THE FORK LITTLE BUDDY. AIM FOR THE HALL AND NOT THE WALL." THE REASON THERE’S ONLY ONE PERSON IN THE PHOTO IS BECAUSE WITHOUT HIM THE MOVIE JERK WOULDN’T RECOMMEND THIS LITTLE NUMBER. MAYBE IT WAS ALL THE HYPE THAT LET ME DOWN. MAYBE IT WAS BECAUSE IT’S NOTHING MORE THAN A RACY ROMANTIC COMEDY. I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT…WAIT…YES I CAN….IT’S MASHED POTATOES. IT’S ALSO JUST NOT THAT FUNNY. THE RIDICULOUS ENGLISH ROCK STAR REALLY SAVES THE DAY. DEFINITELY WORTH A RENTAL.

HOLY SHIT: SPECIAL POST

THE FORCE IS NO LONGER WITH MARK HAMILL. NOR WAS IT ABSORBED BY THAT THING TO HIS LEFT.

BABY MAMA (TINA FEY, AMY POEHLER; 2008)

THE MOVIE JERK LOVES TINA FEY. SHE'S EASY TO BECOME INFATUATED WITH BECAUSE SHE SEEMS ACHIEVABLE. NOT NECESSARILY FOR ME, BUT FOR ANYONE WHO'S NET WORTH CONSISTS OF MORE THAN 5 MILLIGRAMS OF VALIUM, A FISH TANK, AND A MEDICAL ALERT BRACELET. THIS IS A COMEDY ABOUT SURROGATE MOTHERS. A SURROGATE MOTHER IS APPARENTLY POOR WHITE TRASH YOU CAN PAY TO HAVE YOUR KID AND THEN TELL HER TO LEAVE FOREVER. SOUNDS AMAZING. SURROGATE MOTHERS ARE LIKE HOOKERS EXCEPT THEIR PURPOSE IS DIFFERENT AND THEY STAY LONGER. THEY TALK MORE TOO. I HATE TALKING HOOKERS. I GUESS WITH SURROGATE MOTHERS THERE'S MORE TO TALK ABOUT THOUGH. I WONDER IF THEY MAKE MUTE ONES....?ANYWAY, YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WITH TINA FEY. EVEN THOUGH THIS MOVIE MIGHT FALL INTO THE CATEGORY OF "CHICK FLICK" IT'S STILL PRETTY DAMN FUNNY. TMJ RECOMMENDS IT TODAY.....STEVE MARTIN ALSO HAS AN INCREDIBLE ROLE IN THIS.

THE SAVAGES (PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, LAURA LINNEY;2007)

THERE'S A FEW PEOPLE WHO'VE WALKED THIS PLANET THAT HAVE TRULY FOUND THEIR CALLING AND MASTERED THEIR RESPECTIVE CRAFTS. THERE'S JESUS CHRIST, WHO GOT SIDE TRACKED WITH THE WHOLE SON OF GOD THING, BUT HE COULD TURN A 2X4 INTO THE TAJ MAHAL. THERE'S JENNA JAMESON WHO COULD SUCK THE EXPLOSION OUT OF DYNOMITE. THERE'S TOM CRUISE WHO'S BEHAVIOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY REINFORCES OUR CONSTITUTION (NAMELY THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS)....AND THEN THERE'S PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, WHO MIGHT BE THE ONLY ACTOR TO HONESTLY DESERVE A SPOT IN THE 20-MILLION-A-MOVIE CLUB. I'D PAY TEN DOLLARS TO WATCH THIS GUY BRUSH HIS TEETH. THE SAVAGES IS AN EXTRAORDINARY ACCOMPLISHMENT THAT FOCUSES ON THE UNFORTUNATE EMOTIONAL DISTANCES THAT CAN ONLY DEVELOP BETWEEN FAMILY AND LOVED ONES, AND THE DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCES THAT MUST OFTEN OCCUR TO RECOGNIZE WHO REALLY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU. THE SAVAGES DELIVERS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT DRAMATIC PERFORMANCES WHICH ARE ONLY MADE MORE COLOURFUL AND CRISP BY THE SCRIPT'S INTELLIGENT, FIERCE, AND SUBTLE COMEDIC UNDERTONES.

ONE MISSED CALL (ED BURNS, SHANNYN SOSSAMON;2008)

"WAIT, WAIT. LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. SO, THIS IS A RECORDING OF ME MOMENTS BEFORE MY DEATH? HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YOU'RE BREAKING UP. IT'S SOUNDS LIKE I'M CHOKING ON A STEAK AT HOUSTON'S. OH MY GOD! PLAY THE MESSAGE AGAIN....YEAH, I WAS RIGHT. I'M GOING TO CHOKE TO DEATH ON A STEAK FROM NOT CHEWING PROPERLY IN THE NEAR FUTURE! OH SHIT! GET ALL THE BEEF OUT OF THE HOUSE AND CANCEL MY DINNER RESERVATIONS AT ZANIBAR FOR THE NEXT WEEK." PHEW, TALK ABOUT SOME FRIGHTENING STUFF. VERIZON REALLY KNOWS HOW TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. THE MOVIE JERK HAS HAD SOME BAD IDEAS, BUT NONE AS BAD AS MAKING THIS MOVIE. SUCH AS THE TIME HE EMPTIED HIS FLASK INTO A GLASS OF MILK AT A M.A.D.D. PARTY ONLY TO EXCLAIM, "HEY LADIES, MAYBE IF WE MADE CARS WITH MORE WHEELS WE COULD KEEP DRINKING AND BE SAFE?" "YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT ONE?" "EW YEAH MRS. JONES, I'D LIKE TO DESIGNATE YOU TO SUCK MY..." ANYWAY, IT GOT PRETTY UGLY. MUCH LIKE THIS MOVIE, WHICH IS WORSE THAN 5 FAT CHICKS IN AN ELEVATOR.

OCEAN'S 13 (BRAD PITT, GEORGE CLOONEY, AL PACINO, MATT DAMON;2007)

IN THE THIRD INSTALLMENT OF A FRANCHISE THAT SHOULD'VE STOPPED AT THE FIRST, THE HIGHEST PAID ACTORS ON THE PLANET RETURN TO DESTROY HOLLYWOOD BUDGETS AND MAKE STEALING ATTRACTIVE AND THEREFORE, NOT WRONG. AFTER DANNY OCEAN'S MENTOR IS DOUBLE CROSSED BY A HUMAN ORANGE (AL PACINO), HE AND HIS GANG OF SUPER COOL THIEVES DECIDE TO RIP OFF THE ORANGE'S NEW CASINO/HOTEL NAMED, THE BANK. IN ORDER TO PULL OFF THIS FEISTY HEIST, DANNY'S 13 MUST REQUEST THE HELP OF ANDY GARCIA (WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN), THE CASINO OWNER THEY PREVIOUSLY RIPPED OFF IN OCEAN'S 11. TALK ABOUT HIGH STAKES. OH MY. THIS MOVIE DOESN'T FOCUS SO MUCH ON VEGAS, OR PLOT, AS IT DOES RIDICULOUS PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T EXIST. AT THIS RATE I EXPECT DANNY'S 14TH TO BE A MUPPET.....AL PACINO GIVES A GLOWING PERFORMANCE. THAT LITTLE CHINESE THING STEALS THE SHOW THOUGH.

INDECENT SEDUCITON (GARY COLE, UNDERAGE GIRLS;1996)

THE MOVIE JERK JUST CAUGHT THIS COMEDY ON LIFETIME. THIS IS THE STORY OF COACH NASH, A.K.A, "THE OKLAHOMA TICKLER." NASH COACHES THE FOOTBALL TEAM OF A SMALL OKLAHOMA HIGH SCHOOL WHERE HE’S ALSO THE SCIENCE TEACHER. NASH IS A REAL "HANDS-ON" TEACHER. HE’S EXTREMELY "ENGAGING." HE’S "OLD FASHIONED." HE DOESN’T GIVE "F’S" HE GIVES "SPANKINGS." "EXTRA CREDIT" IS ALWAYS AN OPTION IN CLASS NASH. SAVE THE "SH" IN "NASH" FOR, "SHHHHHHHH." NOT ONLY DOES NASH TEACH CLASS, HE’S GOT IT. AND THE GIRLS LOVE HIS SUAVE SHORT-SLEEVE, BROWN, BUTTON DOWN. IT SAYS, "MEET ME IN THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE BUT NOT IN THAT OUTFIT." IN BETWEEN BEDDING STUDENTS ON HIS PERIODIC TABLE, NASTY NASH RUNS ONE HELL OF A FOOTBALL TEAM. WHICH IS WHY THE ADMINISTRATION TURNS A BLIND EYE TO HIS INDISCRETIONS. MORAL OF THE STORY: IF YOU’RE A WINNER, NOTHING’S ILLEGAL. BEST THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE: NASH IS PLAYED BY LUMBERGH FROM OFFICE SPACE. FUNNIEST QUOTE: (GIRL TO PRINCIPAL) "I THINK COACH NASH AND AMY ARE DOING IT." (PRINCIPAL) "ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE NOT MAKING UP RUMOURS BECAUSE YOU’RE JEALOUS AMY’S GETTING MORE ATTENTION IN CLASS THAN YOU?" GOOD LORD. THE MOVIE JERK FELL OFF HIS COUCH HE WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. GOD BLESS LIFETIME.

88 MINUTES (AL PACINO, LEELEE SOBIESKI, ALICIA WITT;2008)

THIS IS THE UNTHRILLING STORY OF A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST WHO’S COMPLETING HIS TRANSFORMATION INTO A PEACOCK. AL PACINO’S TAIL-FEATHER HAIRPIECE MAKES IT VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE THIS MOVIE SERIOUSLY. ONLY IN CLOSE-UPS, CUT OFF AT HIS FOREHEAD, WAS I ABLE TO ENGAGE THE PLOT, WHICH, IRONICALLY, COULD’VE BEEN CONCEIVED BY A BIRD. THE STORY IS THIS: DR. JACK GRAHM IS A FORENSIC PSYCHIATRIST WHO BASES HIS TESTIMONIES IN COURT ON POSITIVELY NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER. HOWEVER, BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH AN EXCELLENT REPUTATION, AND IS A BEST SELLING AUTHOR, ANYONE DR. GRAHM POINTS HIS WINGS AT IS A CRIMINAL. OBVIOUSLY, SOME DEFENDANTS ARE FRUSTRATED BY THE CAVALIER ATTITUDE WITH WHICH DR. GRAHM SENTENCES PEOPLE TO PRISON AND DEATH. ONE OF THE "FALSELY ACCUSED" IS BAD ACTOR, NEAL MCDONOUGH. NEAL MCDONOUGH SHOULDN’T BE CAST IN LOW BUDGET PORN, NOT TO MENTION ANYTHING DISTRIBUTED BY A COMPANY AS LARGE AS MIRAMAX. HOWEVER, HE MANAGED TO LAND THIS "COMEDIC" ROLE AS THE PUPPETEER BEHIND AL PACINO’S LAST 88 MINUTES ALIVE, AND WORST 108 MINUTES ON CAMERA….EVER. TAKE A PASS ON THIS AND GO WATCH A SUNSET, OR A COCKFIGHT, OR LOW BUDGET PORN. -TMJ

PEOPLE I KNOW (AL PACINO, TEA LEONI, KIM BASSINGER, RYAN O'NEAL;2003)

AL PACINO PROVIDES ONE OF HIS MOST RIDICULOUS PERFORMANCES TO DATE IN THIS FLOP. (I HAVE FAITH THAT WATCHING HIS HAIRPIECE IN THE UPCOMING 88 MINUTES WILL BE MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE PLOT). IN THIS DISASTER, AL PLAYS PUBLICIST ELI WURMAN, WHO, ACCORDING TO PACINO'S CHARACTER INTERPRETATION, IS ACTUALLY RUMPELSTILTSKIN. THROUGHOUT THIS MESS, WE WATCH WURMAN SLITHER AROUND NEW YORK CLEANING UP CELEBRITIES' MESSES. HIS MOST FAMOUS CLIENT, CARY LAUNER, IS PLAYED BY THE UN-DEAD RYAN O'NEAL. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT FORGOT, OR NEVER CARED, O'NEAL GARNERED FAME FOR THE 1970 HIT LOVE STORY AND FOR BEATING HIS CHILDREN IN PUBLIC (http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Movies/02/04/oneal.arrest/index.html?imw=Y).

ANYWAY, LAUNER ASKS WURMAN TO GET RID OF A DRUG-ADDLED SLUT HE DRAGGED BACK TO NEW YORK FROM SOME EXOTIC LOCATION. BEING THE DUTIFUL DWARF THAT HE IS, WURMAN, BAILS HER OUT OF JAIL AND BRINGS HER TO HER HOTEL TO PACK. ONCE THERE, WURMAN POPS TOO MANY PILLS AND COLLAPSES IN HER TUB. THIS SCENE'S A REAL NAIL BITER. FROM THE TUB, WURMAN WITNESSES THE HO GET RAPED AND KILLED. QUE SCARY MUSIC. TURNS OUT SHE WAS INVOLVED IN SOME HIGH PROFILE SLUTTY DRUG STUFF WITH IMPORTANT PEOPLE. THAT'S IT. I QUIT. THIS MOVIE WAS AN UNFORTUNATE CHOICE FOR ALL INVOLVED. IT RAKED IN $121,972 AT THE BOX OFFICE. WHICH, AT 10 DOLLARS A POP, MEANS 12,197 PEOPLE SAW THIS IN THEATERS.

THE NUMBER 23 (FIRE MARSHAL BILL, VIRGINIA MADSEN, TWENTY THREE;2007)

THIS PICTURE WAS ACTUALLY TAKEN AFTER THE LOS ANGELES' PREMIERE..... THE TRUMAN SHOW WAS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. JIM CARREY IS NOT ROBIN WILLIAMS. HE WILL NEVER CONVINCE VIEWERS HE'S CAPABLE OF DRAMA. HE ONCE AGAIN PROVES HIMSELF AS A COMEDIAN, AND ONLY A COMEDIAN, IN THE NUMBER 23. THIS MOVIE WOULD'VE BEEN JUST AS GOOD HAD IT STARRED BLACKIE DAMMETT. CARREY PLAYS BOTH THE GOOD GUY AND BAD GUY IN THIS OBNOXIOUS FAIRYTALE. THE GOOD CARREY IS A DOG CATCHER AND FAMILY MAN, THE BAD CARREY IS A SAX-PLAYING, HOMICIDAL DETECTIVE NAMED FINGERLING. FIRST OF ALL, THE NAME FINGERLING SHOULD BE RESTRICTED TO MIDGET PORN. SECOND, WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY DANGEROUS SAX PLAYER ON PLANET IS THIS GUY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4. (OUR MAN, I CALL HIM "THE HEAT," CAMEOS IN AT THE 30 SECOND MARKER). THAT BEING SAID, THIS MOVIE IS PREPOSTEROUS. THERE'S SOME COOL COINCIDENCES WITH THE NUMBER 23 BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. YOU SHOULD RENT THIS MOVIE JUST TO THROW IT OUT. YOU'LL BE HELPING SOMEONE ELSE, LIKE UNICEF, EXCEPT IT'S ALL U.

SMART PEOPLE (DENNIS QUAID, ELLEN PAGE, THOMAS HADEN CHURCH, SARAH JESSICA PARKER, ASHTON HOLMES;2008)

RANDY QUAID'S EMPLOYED BROTHER, DENNIS, GIVES ONE OF HIS FINEST PERFORMANCES SINCE DREAMSCAPE, AS SEVERELY DEPRESSED PROFESSOR, LAWRENCE WETHERHOLD. AFTER WOUNDING HIMSELF IN A HUMOROUS FENCE-CLIMBING ACCIDENT, WETHERHOLD MUST CHECK HIMSELF INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOR REPAIRS. WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL, WETHERHOLD ENCOUNTERS THE WOMAN HE'LL TRY TO BANG FOR THE NEXT HOUR. THAT WOMAN, IS THE DEVASTATINGLY UNATTRACTIVE WHORE WHO'S FUCKED HALF NEW YORK OVER THE PAST TEN YEARS. THAT'S RIGHT, YAAAAAY! FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE!, SARAH JESSICA PARKER! JESUS, I'D RATHER MOUNT A SATURN. GREAT MPG, SLEEK BUILD, HORSE POWER NOT HORSE FACE. YEAH, I'D HIT THAT. VRRRHOOOM VRRRRHOOM.....THOMAS HADEN CHURCH IS HYSTERICAL IN THIS MOVIE, ESPECIALLY IN HIS INTERACTIONS WITH THE UNDERAGE ELLEN PAGE. SMART PEOPLE IS NO JUNO, BUT IT'S OF THE SAME FAMILY AND WORTH THE 10 BUCKS.

STREET KINGS (KEANU REEVES, FOREST "LOOK ME IN THE EYE" WHITAKER, DR. HOUSE, JAY MOHR;2008)

KEANU REEVES (KEY-ON-EWW R-YVES) HASN'T GOTTEN ANY BRIGHTER SINCE THE LAKE HOUSE, THE FILM IN WHICH HE PLAYS A HOME OWNER. HOWEVER, HE HAS LEARNED TO CHOOSE ROLES WHICH ARE BETTER SUITED TO HIS ACTING RANGE. COPS AND STUFFED ANIMALS ARE THE WISEST CHARACTERS FOR MR. REEVES TO TACKLE. IN THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE REEVES PLAYS DETECTIVE TOM LUDLOW, A COP WITH MULTIPLE DUI'S WHO IS AS COMFORTABLE KILLING AS HE IS ORDERING AN OMELET. AFTER HIS PARTNER IS SHOT AN UNNECESSARY NUMBER OF TIMES, LUDLOW'S INVESTIGATION INTO HIS MURDER EXPOSES A RING OF CORRUPT POLICE OFFICERS. FILMED IN NEIGHBORHOODS MOST PEOPLE WOULDN'T FLY OVER IN A HELICOPTER, STREET KINGS HAS NO SHORTAGE OF COLOURFUL CHARACTERS. THOUGH KINGS WON'T BE UP FOR A SINGLE AWARD ANY TIME SOON, IT'S STILL A HIGHLY ENTERTAINING 1HR AND 47MINUTE STORY OF PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES OF THE LAW WHO ARE COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. THE MOVIE JERK RECOMMENDS SEEING IT TONIGHT.

LIONS FOR LAMBS (TOM "THE BOMB" CRUISE, ROBERT "NEW SKIN NOW PLEASE" REDFORD, MERYL "EWW YEAH!" STREEP;2007)

"O.K. MAV, YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE A SHIT UNTIL THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY, OR KENNY LOGGINS, CALLS AND GIVES YOU PERMISSION. YOU'RE THE BOSS-MAN. YOU'RE IN CONTROL. HANDS ON WHEEL TOM. EYE OF THE TIGER. WHEN LIONS FOR LAMBS OPENS YOU'RE GONNA BE A FUCKING GOD AGAIN. JUST LIKE AFTER THE OPENING OF FAR AND AWAY. PEOPLE WILL WEEP FOR MY GENIUS...OH CHRIST I JUST FARTED. WHY DOES OVIII-80SCH KEEP TESTING ME LIKE THIS? I'M A SENATOR, A PILOT, A NAVY LAWYER, A RACE CAR DRIVER, A SECRET AGENT, A DISFIGURED CEO.....GODDAMN IT. I'M AN ACTOR."..... THIS MOVIE WAS....HOW DO YOU SAY?.....NOT GOOD. I DON'T MIND BE LECTURED BY ROBERT REDFORD FOR 90 MINUTES AS LONG AS THE LECTURE IS FOCUSED ON BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, SNEAKERS, THE NATURAL, PRE-MATURE AGING, OR THE LEPER COLONY FROM WHICH HE ESCAPED. ANY OTHER TOPICS BETTER COME WITH A FREE SANDWICH. TOM CRUISE, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS SO IN TOUCH WITH REALITY THAT I PRETTY MUCH BELIEVE WHATEVER HE SAYS. WHAT'S THAT TOM? GLOBAL WARMING IS ACTUALLY INSIDE MY SOCKS?...I'M SO SORRY. I'LL NEVER WEAR SOCKS AGAIN. I'VE PROBABLY ALREADY KILLED 1,000 POLAR BEARS WEARING BUSINESS SOCKS ALONE! OH MY GOD! EVERYONE MUST FREEZE THERE SOCKS! IN THIS BORE, MAV PLAYS MINIATURE REPUBLICAN SENATOR, JASPER IRVING. AS THE VIEWER YOU GET TO ENJOY LISTENING TO JASPER'S NEW STRATEGY FOR THE WAR ON TERROR. MERYL STREEP IS THE UNATTRACTIVE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, INTELLIGENT, LIBERAL JOURNALIST INTERVIEWING JASPER. ROBERT REDFORD PLAYS AN IRRELEVANT COLLEGE PROFESSOR WITH ZERO EFFECT ON NATIONAL POLICY. WHEN YOU COMBINE THESE THREE, YOU GET, WHAT THEY CALL IN THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS, "A SLEEPER, THAT STAYS ASLEEP." THIS MOVIE IS INSULTING, ARROGANT BULLSHIT. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

FEAST OF LOVE (GREG KINNEAR, MORGAN FREEMAN, JANE ALEXANDER;2008)

ROBIN HOOD'S COLOURED COMRADE IS BACK ON THE BIG SCREEN IN A BIG WAY IN THE WRONG MOVIE. SLAP-HAPPY SEX DEVIL, MORGAN FREEMAN, GIVES HIS MOST ASTONISHING PERFORMANCE SINCE BRUBAKER IN FEAST OF LOVE. THIS IS THE MOST DEPRESSING AND DISTURBING "ROMANTIC COMEDY" SINCE LEAVING LAS VEGAS. I GOT A BETTER NIGHT'S REST AFTER WATCHING SLEEPERS AND I WAS ACTUALLY STAYING IN KEVIN BACON'S GUEST HOUSE. WE HAD AN INTERVIEW EARLY THE NEXT MORNING ABOUT KEVIN'S PIG-NOSE AND HOW IT RELATED TO HIS LAST NAME. THE INTERVIEW WAS TO TAKE PLACE IN HIS SHE'S HAVING A BABY-ROOM. ANYWAY, GUESS WHICH OF THE TRUE/FALSE QUESTIONS, LISTED BELOW, HAPPEN IN THIS MOVIE:

A. LESBIAN SEX

B. GIRLFRIEND BEATING

C. HEROIN RECOVERY

D. ABUSIVE/ALCOHOLIC THREATENS GIRL WITH HUNTING KNIFE

E. SAME GUY TRIES TO KILL SAME GIRL IN THE END

F. MICHAEL KEATON CAMEOS WITH MULTIPLICITY REFERENCE

G. YOUNG GUY DIES LEAVING TWO FATHERLESS INFANT DAUGHTERS

YOU GUESSED IT JUANCITO. F IS FALSE. THERE'S NO HUMOR IN THIS FILM. THE MOVIE JERK FINISHED IT IN A FETAL POSITION, CRYING OVER A PINT OF BEN & JERRY'S LOVE-YOURSELF-FAT-GIRL-MINT-CHIP. MMMMMM.

DAN IN REAL LIFE (STEVE CARELL, JULLIETTE BINOCHE, DANE COOK;2007)

IN "REAL LIFE" DAN SCREWS HIS BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND TO HELP HIMSELF FORGET ABOUT HIS DEAD FIANCE. THAT IS, WHAT'S ACTUALLY GOING ON HERE. AND NO, THAT'S NOT FUNNY, AND NOT O.K.......UNLESS IT'S STEVE CARELL AND DANE COOK IN THE BEST ROMANTIC COMEDY OF 2007! IN WHICH CASE, DAN (CARELL) COULD BEAT THE FAMILY DOG AND IT'S STILL ALL LAUGHS. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS, WHEN FUNNY PEOPLE HURT OTHERS, IT'S NOT WRONG. DANE COOK'S IN THIS MOVIE. THEY FAILED TO MENTION THAT IN THE F.B.I. WARNING. THE ACTUAL MESSAGE OF THIS MOVIE IS THAT NOTHING CAN COME BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE. NOT EVEN A HORRIBLY INTRUSIVE FAMILY. TOUCHING. THE STORY ALSO CLAIMS TWO PEOPLE CAN FALL IN LOVE IN ABOUT 5 HOURS WITHOUT LIQUOR, DRUGS, OR PAYMENT. THIS IS NOT TRUE. IT'S A GREAT THOUGHT TO ENTERTAIN. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALSO A GIANT LET DOWN ONCE THE MOVIE ENDS AND YOU REALIZE NO ONE LOVES YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY HOURS THEY'VE KNOWN YOU. CHIN UP. TMJ'S GOT GOOD NEWS: YOU CAN OWN THIS MOVIE TODAY FOR $19.99! DAN IN REAL LIFE IS ACTUALLY A CHARMING, NO-BRAINER. IT'S PERFECT FOR A SUNDAY EVENING AFTER A LONG WEEKEND, OR IF YOU JUST FEEL LIKE SHIT IN GENERAL.

THE RUINS (JOHNATHON TUCKER, LAURA RAMSEY, JENA MALONE;2008)

THE TITLE OF THIS HORROR FILM IS MORE THAN ACCURATE. THIS MOVIE ALSO COULD HAVE BEEN TITLED, THE WORST, THIS'LL HURT, NO SEQUEL PLEASE, GOOD LORD IS THIS OVER YET?, AND/OR WHERE'S MY REFUND? THE STORY LINE IS SIMPLE. FOUR AMERICAN TOURISTS TRAVEL TO CANCUN TO DRINK AND VOMIT. ON THEIR LAST DAY THEY DECIDE TO BRANCH OUT AND GO SEE SOMETHING BESIDES THE FLOOR. THAT "SOMETHING" IS AN ANCIENT MAYAN TEMPLE. ONCE THEY ARRIVE AT THE TEMPLE THEY'RE ATTACKED AND TRAPPED BY MEXICANS WHO DON'T SPEAK SPANISH OR ENGLISH. FORCED TO REMAIN ON THE MYSTERIOUS TEMPLE, THE FOURSOME BEGINS SEARCHING FOR AN ALTERNATE EXIT FROM THE ONE BEING BLOCKED BY SPEEDY GONZALES AND SLO-MO. IT'S THEN.......MWHAHAHAHAH!... THAT THEY'RE ATTACKED BY KILLER VINES! YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY, KILLER VINES. IT WAS ALSO THEN THAT THE MOVIE JERK BECAME SO BORED HE BEGAN CRAWLING ON THE FLOOR AND GRABBING PEOPLE'S TOES, SCREAMING, "GET 'EM OFF ME!" "THESE FUCKING VINES ARE EVERYWHERE!" "OH MY GOD YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!" LUCKILY, THEY LET ME BRING MY LAPTOP INTO THE DRUNK TANK, FROM WHICH I DELIVER THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO YOU....DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.

THE DARJEELING LIMITED (OWEN WILSON, ADRIEN BRODY, JASON SCHWARTZMAN;2007)

THE DARJEELING LIMITED, (PRONOUNCED, "NOT AS GOOD AS THE ROYAL TENNEMBAUMS") IS ADEQUATE. THE COMBINATION OF ANDERSON AND WILSON NEVER FAILS TO PRODUCE THAT INTELLIGENT, SUBTLE HUMOUR WE'VE ALL COME TO EXPECT. THERE'S NOTHING WORSE THAN NOT GETTING WHAT YOU EXPECT. FOR EXAMPLE, "LISTEN BABE, I'M SLIDING UP THE BED AND I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP YOUR HEAD IN THE SAME PLACE, CREATING AN EFFECT SCIENTISTS REFER TO AS: MEGETTINGBLOWN." I'M ALSO FASCINATED BY ADRIEN BRODY'S NOSE. I COULD WATCH THAT THING TAKE UP HALF THE SCREEN IN ANY MOVIE AND BE AMUSED. THIS IS THE STORY OF THREE BROTHERS RE-UNITING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR AFTER THEIR FATHER'S FUNERAL. THE PLACE OF RECONCILIATION IS INDIA. HIGHLIGHTS INCLUDE:

1. OWEN WILSON CALLING INDIAN KIDS ASSHOLES

2. NATALIE PORTMAN NAKED

3. INDIANS BEING INDIANS

4. NATALIE PORTMAN'S ASS. (SEE #3)

BOTTOM LINE IS THIS IS WES ANDERSON'S WORST MOVIE SO FAR BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT BAD. IT'S JUST THAT HIS OTHERS ARE SO DAMN GOOD.

JESSE STONE: SEA CHANGE (TOM SELLECK;2007)

IN 1989 WHEN MAGNUM P.I. WAS CANCELLED, WE ALL KNEW TOM SELLECK WAS UP TO SOMETHING BIG. FINALLY, WE KNOW WHAT IT WAS, THE JESSE STONE MADE FOR T.V. MOVIES. BECAUSE HIS CHARACTER, DETECTIVE STONE, WAS WRITTEN TO BE IN HIS 60'S, THE STUDIO REQUIRED SELLECK TO DISAPPEAR FOR 15 YEARS TO AGE APPROPRIATELY AND PREPARE FOR THIS ROLE. SURE, THEY LET HIM GALLIVANT AROUND THE SET OF QUIGLEY DOWN UNDER AND VARIOUS OTHER WESTERNS IN ORDER TO PAY THE BILLS, BUT FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, SELLECK WAS ORDERED NOT TO HAVE A "HIT." TRUE TO HIS WORD, HE NEVER EVEN CAME CLOSE. WAS IT WORTH IT?...I LIKE TO THINK SO. IN THIS MOVIE, SELLECK PLAYS AN ALCOHOLIC COP FROM L.A. WHO'S BASICALLY EXILED TO A SMALL TOWN IN MAINE FOR FUCKING UP ON THE JOB. OVERQUALIFIED, AND DRUNK AS SHIT, DETECTIVE STONE IMMEDIATELY BEGINS CLEANING UP WHAT SEEMED TO BE A CRIME-FREE TOWN. AS STONE, SELLECK MASTERS ONE-LINERS SUCH AS "FREEZE," "MORE COFFEE," AND "YES, I'M DRINKING." I WAS BLOWN AWAY. IN ALL SERIOSITY THOUGH, THESE MOVIES ARE ACTUALLY LIKE REALLY GOOD T.V. SHOWS. THERE'S FOUR OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND ONE IN PRODUCTION. THE FIRST IS STONE COLD. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT. -TMJ