3:10 TO YUMA (CHRISTIAN BALE, RUSSELL CROWE, HORSES; 2007)

THERE ARE A FEW DEFINING MOMENTS IN MY LIFE: THE FIRST TIME I SLEPT WITH POOH-BEAR, THE DAY I DISCOVERED SANTA WAS ACTUALLY AN INVESTMENT BANKER NAMED "DAD," AND THE BEGINNING OF THE IRAN-CONTRA CONFLICT. THIS MOVIE WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE EVENTS. HOWEVER, IN TERMS OF WONDERFUL THINGS, THIS FILM IS DEFINITELY A CLOSE SECOND TO A WESTERN OMELET. RUSSELL CROWE MANAGES TO COMPLETELY DISENGAGE FROM HIS ACTUAL PERSONALITY OF AUSTRALIAN ASSHOLE. HE PERFECTLY CREATES A DANGEROUSLY CHARMING, BANK ROBBING GANG LEADER. NEEDLESS TO SAY, CHRISTIAN BALE FLAWLESSLY ADAPTS TO HIS CHARACTER AS A POOR, SELF-PITYING, CIVIL WAR AMPUTEE, WHOSE WIFE IS READY TO LEAVE HIM FOR SOMEONE MORE ADMIRABLE. SOMEONE SUCH AS MYSELF, A T.W.A PILOT WITH ONE HELLUVA 401K SAFETY NET, AND A SIX PACK THAT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER SCULPTED BY MICHELANGELO. GOD I LOVE MIRRORS. ANYWAY, THEIR ADVENTURE LEADS THEM THROUGH THE SCENIC WESTERN FRONTIER, COUNTLESS GUN FIGHTS, TOUCHING DIALOGUE, AND OBVIOUSLY TO A TRAIN THAT DEPARTS AT 3:10PM. RENT THIS BIG WINNER TODAY BUT BE PREPARED TO EITHER LOVE OR HATE THE ENDING.

THE KINGDOM (SHA-NAE NAE, JENNIFER GARNER, CHRIS COOPER; 2007)

IN THIS ULTRA LIBERAL SLAP IN THE FACE, AN ELITE FBI TEAM IS SENT TO SAUDI ARABIA TO INVESTIGATE A BRUTAL MASS HOMICIDE. THE ACTION, ACTING, AND DIRECTION ARE ALL MAGNIFICENT. HOWEVER, THE END MESSAGE THAT WE CAN ALL GET ALONG MADE ME WANT TO KILL THE CLOSEST THING TO ME. UNFORTUNATELY FOR MY NEIGHBOURS THAT HAPPENED TO BE A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH. I THEN PROCEEDED TO BY AN ELECTRIC CAR. I BELIEVE IT WAS A POWER WHEELS 4X4. I'D LIKE TO SEE LEO DICAPRIO GET LAID IN ONE THOSE.......GO GREEN!...GET FUCKED. THE ONLY WAY TO GET ROAD HEAD IN A PRIUS IS IF YOU'RE DRIVING IT TO YOUR PRIVATE JET. GOD BLESS AMERICA......PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN ETHIOPIA? DIAMOND GENOCIDE IN SOUTH AFRICA? EXCUSE ME WHILE I SHED A TEAR. NOT BECAUSE I GIVE A SHIT. ONLY BECAUSE I'M CHUGGING ONION PACKED, ITALIAN SAUSAGE PASTA SAUCE OUT OF THE BOTTLE WHILE SURFING 500 CHANNELS ON MY SONY FLAT SCREEN. HOWEVER, THIS PETER BERG DRAMA BEAUTIFULLY SUPPORTS THE EMPOWERMENT OF WOMEN IN THE UNITED STATES, A CONCEPT WHICH CONSTANTLY BAFFLES THE MIDDLE EAST: YES, IT MEANS OUR WOMEN WILL PUT A BULLET THROUGH YOUR HEAD FASTER THAT SHIT THROUGH A GOOSE. ONLY AFTER THEY FILL UP THEIR SUBURBANS BEFORE SOCCER PRACTICE OF COURSE. THIS MOVIE IS POWERFUL, WELL SHOT, AND WORTH RENTING. SOME MIGHT ENJOY IT MORE THAN OTHERS DEPENDING THEIR POLITICAL AFFILIATION.

SERAPHIM FALLS (PIERCE BROSNAN, LIAM NEESON;2007)

ROB ROY AND REMINGTON STEELE STAR IN THIS WESTERN TALE OF REVENGE STEMMING FROM THE ATROCITIES OF THE CIVIL WAR. UNFORTUNATELY, WE ALL ALL KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO WESTERNS: IF IT'S NOT EASTWOOD ITS NO GOOD. I RECOGNIZE HOW THIS MOVIE SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. JUST LIKE MICHAEL J. FOX ADVERTISING CLEAR PEPSI. UNTIL YOU REALIZE THE SODA TASTES LIKE BUDISSY AND THE CELEBRITY CAN'T HOLD THE BOTTLE. HEY..WAIT A MINUTE PEOPLE...RUSH LIMBAUGH WENT THERE FIRST. REMEMBER THE HYPE SURROUNDING CLEAR PEPSI AND CRACK-COCAINE IN THE '80S? IF I'D ONLY FORESEEN THE STAYING POWER OF CRACK I WOULD'VE INVESTED IN THAT. UNFORTUNATELY, I TOOK MARION BERRY'S ADVICE AT 2AM AND BOUGHT STOCK IN CLEAR PEPSI AND THE DELOREAN. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I HANG OUT WITH THAT DICKHEAD. ANYWAY, LIKE MY INVESTMENTS, THIS MOVIE LOSES. IT STARTS OFF GREAT BUT THEN BECOMES A 1 HOUR AND 57 MINUTE CHASE THROUGH MULTIPLE LANDSCAPES, ENDING IN AN AWFULLY CONFUSING, SURREAL MANO Y MANO SHOOT-OUT. IF YOU LOVE WESTERNS, I'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR RENTING THIS WITH A BLOCKBUSTER COUPON.

THE RETURN (SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR; 2006)

THAT WEIRD LOOKING TRAMP WITH THREE NAMES, WHO MARRIED THE MEXICAN GUY FROM I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, RETURNS IN THE RETURN. THIS LAUGH RIOT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORROR FILM. IT'S SCARY ALRIGHT... THERE'S JUST NO TELLING HOW THE AVERAGE CITIZEN WILL REACT TO A MOVIE THIS BAD, AND THAT FRIGHTENS THE HELL OUT OF ME. I WOULD'VE RATHER WATCHED A REALITY SHOW ABOUT ESKIMO LOVE TRIANGLES IN ANCHORAGE, OR HAD EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. IN THIS FILM, BUFFY STARS AS A SELF-MUTILATING, ESTRANGED DAUGHTER WHO HAS SUPERNATURAL VISIONS. THESE VISIONS HELP HER SOLVE GRUESOME MURDERS. MURDERS WHICH MIGHT INCLUDE HER OWN. HOLY SHIT! HIDE THE KIDS! THOUGH THAT MAY SOUND INTERESTING, THE MOVIE JUMPS ALL OVER THE PLACE. THIS FILM WOULD'VE MADE JUST AS MUCH SENSE IF THE DIALOGUE WERE IN NAVAJO. I RECOMMEND AVOIDING THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS UNLESS YOUR SEVERELY DYSLEXIC. IN WHICH CASE YOU MIGHT HAVE AN ADVANTAGE OVER THE AVERAGE VIEWER, WHO BEGINS BOOKS AT PAGE 1.

ROCKY BALBOA (SYLVESTER STALLONE;2006)

AWWW. I HAD TROUBLE ACCEPTING THIS ONE BECAUSE IT MADE ME SO SAD. IT WAS LIKE WATCHING THE WHITE RADIO. IT JUST FELT WRONG TO WATCH THE MENTALLY RETARDED TRY TO REGAIN THEIR FORMER GLORY. IT'S LIKE WATCHING A MOVIE VERSION OF LIFE GOES ON: WE GET IT ALREADY! CORKI'S MISSING HIS 21ST CHROMOSOME AND HE HAS DRAPES FOR EYELIDS! HOWEVER, BEING THE DEVIOUS LITTLE NINJA THAT I AM, I LAUGHED THROUGHOUT MOST OF THIS FILM. THESE DAYS ROCKY'S PRIMARY INCOME IS GENERATED FROM AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT HE OWNS IN SOUTH PHILLY. HE TRIES TO CHARM THE CUSTOMERS BUT CAN'T. APPARENTLY HE HAD A LOBOTOMY A COUPLE YEARS BACK. IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE TO HAVE A DINNER CONVERSATION WITH A VICTIM OF MEDICAL MALPRACTICE. PAULIE IS STILL DRUNK, FAT, AND WORKING IN A MEAT FACTORY, WHICH IS SIMPLY ASTOUNDING. HOW SOMEONE CAN MANAGE A BOXING CHAMPION FOR DECADES AND NEVER FIND HIS WAY OUT OF A SHITTY MINIMUM WAGE JOB IS BEYOND ME. I GUESS THE WORLD REALLY DOES NEED COMPLETE FUCKING LOSERS. GOD BLESS THEM. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU....IF YOU'RE FROM SOUTH PHILLY OR NEVER LEARNED TO READ, THIS HEART-WARMING SEQUEL IS FOR YOU!

A GOOD YEAR (RUSSELL CROWE;2007)

RUSSELL CROWE BUMBLES THROUGH THIS FLOP AS A SUCCESSFUL, ASSHOLE TRADER WHO INHERITS AN ITALIAN VINEYARD FROM HIS DRUNK UNCLE. SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY GOOD YEAR, RIGHT? IN THE MIDST OF ALL THE EXCITEMENT, CREATED BY THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT, STUDIO EXECS FAILED TO NOTICE THAT IT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A PRETTY GODDAMN BAD MOVIE. I HAD A GOOD YEAR ONCE. IT WAS 1982. I WAS ONE YEAR OLD. DURING MY GOOD YEAR REAGAN WAS IN OFFICE AND STRANGE WOMEN CALLED "NANNIES" CARRIED ME, FED ME, BURPED ME, WIPED MY ASS AND SUNG ME TO SLEEP. THOSE ARE JUST SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS. MAYBE I COULD MAKE A MOVIE BASED ON THAT YEAR. THOSE DAYS ARE LONG GONE THOUGH. I CRAPPED MYSELF AT A COLLEGE PARTY JUST TO MAKE SURE. NO ONE CAME TO MY RESCUE. THE MUSIC JUST STOPPED AND PEOPLE AVOIDED ME. I THINK MY GIRLFRIEND CRIED A LITTLE. ANYWAY, RUSSEL MUST'VE DONE A LOT OF CHARACTER RESEARCH TO TRANSFORM INTO A RICH DICKHEAD. THIS IS EVIDENT BY HOW WELL HE PLAYS HIS PART. UNFORTUNATELY, ASIDE FROM THE SCENIC ITALIAN LANDSCAPE, THAT SAME SORT OF DEDICATION "RUSS THE BUS" DELIVERED, IS COMPLETELY ABSENT IN THIS FILM. SKIP THIS MISFIRE AND RENT ANYTHING ELSE.

CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR (TOM HANKS, PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, JULIA ROBERTS;2007)

TOM HANKS GRACES US, IN THIS SEMI-DARK POLITICAL SATIRE, WITH HIS BEST ROLE SINCE 2004'S PHENOMENON, LADYKILLERS. HIS CHARACTER, TEXAS CONGRESSMAN CHARLIE WILSON, IS A TRUE SUPPORTER OF AMERICA'S FOUNDATION: XENOPHOBIA, STRIPPERS, DRUGS AND BOOZE. GOD BLESS TEXAS. JULIA ROBERTS ALSO MANAGED TO SASHAY THROUGH THIS FILM PLAYING THE SAME CHARACTER SHE'S PORTRAYED IN EVERY MOVIE SINCE MYSTIC PIZZA: WOMAN WITH APE MOUTH AND SMALL TITS. WHY PEOPLE FIND HER AMUSING, I'LL NEVER KNOW. I THINK CASTING HER IS JUST PLAIN RUDE. THE STUDIO COULD'VE CAST MR. POTATO HEAD AND VIEWERS WOULD STILL SAY, "WOW, DID YOU SEE THAT JULIA ROBERTS? SHE LOOKED MUCH ROUNDER AND BROWNER THAN USUAL BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL 'METHOD ACTING.'" ASIDE FROM JULIA'S STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE, THIS MOVIE IS HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. THE BEST CHARACTER IS HOFFMAN'S CIA AGENT WHO BARES ABOUT AS MUCH RESEMBLANCE TO THE STEREOTYPICAL SPY AS I DO TO ASPARAGUS. HOFFMAN'S INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY IS CRUDE, SLOVENLY, AND HYSTERICAL. HE COULD'VE HELD THE ENTIRE MOVIE HIMSELF. FOR HOFFMAN ALONE, ALONG WITH A DESCENT SCRIPT, I RECOMMEND SEEING THIS OVER THE HOLIDAYS.

EASTERN PROMISES (VIGGO MORTENSEN, NAOMI WATTS;2007)

THE WORD "REFRESHING" USED TO MAKE ME THINK ABOUT THE BLACK DEATH, SHIT-MY-PANTS AROMA OF FOLGERS' CLASSIC ROAST. THE ONLY COFFEE THAT CAN PULL YOU OUT OF A DIABETIC COMA AFTER A BENDER WITH A PROSTITUTE NAMED GUM-GUMS. FOLGERS: DRINK IT, SNORT IT... JUST DO IT. "THE BEST PART OF WAKIN' UP..IS FOLGERS IN YOUR CUP." NOT TRUE. THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS FIGURING OUT WHERE YOU ARE. I LOVE THEIR ADS. HOWEVER, THE WORD "REFRESHING" NOW MAKES ME THINK ABOUT DAVID CRONENBERG'S FIERCELY ORIGINAL DEPICTION OF THE RUSSIAN MOB IN ENGLAND, WITH HIS LATEST FILM, EASTERN PROMISES. EASTERN PROMISES IS AN EXCEPTIONALLY GRAPHIC STORY OF THE STRANGE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AN ENGLISH MID-WIFE (NAOMI WATTS) AND A DRIVER FOR THE RUSSIAN MAFIA (VIGGO MORTENSEN). WHAT ENSUES WHEN THESE TWO "WORLDS" COLLIDE IS A BRUTAL RESTRUCTURING, OF THIS PARTICULAR FACTION, OF THE RUSSIAN MAFIA. BEAUTIFULLY ACTED AND VERY DISTURBING, THIS MOVIE MAKES IT CLEAR THAT RUSSIANS HAVE NO TIME FOR CHRISTMAS FAIRY TALES ABOUT UNSHAVEN, OBESE BURGLARS IN RED SUITS, WHO HANG OUT WITH MIDGETS. HO HO HO. RENT THIS TODAY.

WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY (JOHN C. REILLY;2007)

WELL IT'S OFFICIAL. CHEST ROCKWELL CANNOT HOLD A MOVIE. I COUNTED THEM....4...THIS OVERDRAWN SNL SKIT HAD 4 "MOMENTS" THAT MADE ME AND MY ASSOCIATES LAUGH. I SHOULD MENTION MY ASSOCIATES ARE VERY EASY TO PLEASE. THEY'RE ACTUALLY DRUNK RELATIVES WHO'VE BEEN HERE SINCE LAST CHRISTMAS. THINGS I WOULD'VE RATHER DONE FOR TWO HOURS:
1. PLAY SQUASH
2. HANG OUT WITH THE LORD OF THE DANCE
3. WATCH A CHRIS KATTAN MOVIE
4. EAT SHIT
THIS MOVIE HAD SO MUCH POTENTIAL, JUDGING BY THE PREVIEWS AND HYSTERICAL, ORIGINAL, ENDLESS PROMOTION. THEN AGAIN, I HAD LOTS OF POTENTIAL JUDGING BY MY MOTHER'S ULTRASOUND. I'M NOW A HOT DOG VENDOR BY DAY AND THE MOVIE JERK BY NIGHT. SWEET. DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE "R" RATING. WALK HARD WAS GEARED TOWARD THE INCREDIBLY SLOW. I KEPT WAITING FOR THIS MOVIE TO GET FUNNY BUT, LIKE SANTA, THE HUMOR NEVER CAME. HAVE A HOLLY JOLLY CHRISTMAS.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM (MATT DAMON, JOAN ALLEN;2007)

BEN AFFLECK'S BEST FRIEND IS BACK IN THE ACTION-PACKED THIRD INSTALLMENT OF THE BOURNE VEHICLE! CAN ANYONE STOP JASON BOURNE? BAD GUYS WOULD HAVE A BETTER CHANCE FIGHTING ROBOCOP AND SHAFT SIMULTANEOUSLY. I CAN SEE IT NOW.....ROBOCOP: "I AM AN OFFICER OF THE LAW, PLACE YOUR WEAPON ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR." SHAFT: "YO, THE METAL-COP SAID, 'FREEZE MUTHFUCKA.' DROP YO' SHIT ON THE FLO' WHITEY." SCARY STUFF. YET STILL, NO COMPARISON TO JASON BOURNE, WHO APPARENTLY COULD TAKE OUT A FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON WITH A BIC PEN. THAT'S WHAT WE LOVE ABOUT THE BOURNE TRILOGY. THAT FEELING OF SAFETY THAT CAN ONLY BE PROVIDED KNOWING THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY HAS GOT YOUR BACK IN THIS CRAZY WORLD. THIS MOVIE'S GOT THE SALT & PEPPER OF MOVIE MEALS: ACTION AND A FANTASTIC PLOT LINE. THE THIRD BOURNE IS JUST AS GREAT AS THE FIRST TWO. IF YOU MISSED THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM IN THEATRES, BE SURE TO RENT IT TODAY AT OUR LOCAL VIDEO STORE.

HOSTEL: PART II (LAUREN GERMAN, HEATHER MATARAZZO;2007)

ELI ROTH, QUENTIN TARANTINO'S LITTLE PROTEGE, ASSAULTS US WITH ANOTHER MOVIE THAT'S MORE OFFENSIVE THAN "THE SHOCKER." IN THIS TERRIFYINGLY UNORIGINAL PLOT LINE, IDIOT AMERICAN TOURISTS GET DRUNK AND ARE SOLD TO WEALTHY BUSINESS MEN. SOON THEY ARE TIED UP, MUTILATED AND VERBALLY HARASSED IN SPOOKY DUNGEONS. OUCH. IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SAME OUTLINE AS PLEDGING A FRATERNITY. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF SOME COLLEGE KID OPERATING ON AN ASSORTMENT OF NARCOTICS, THESE VICTIMS ARE ABUSED BY C.E.O.'S AND FUNNY LITTLE EUROPEANS. UNLIKE THE FIRST HOSTEL THIS ONE HAS SOME COMEDIC VALUE TOO. ALSO UNLIKE THE FIRST HOSTEL, THIS ONE SUCKS. SAVE 5$ AND RENT HOSTEL: PART I AGAIN IF YOU WANT TO SCARE YOURSELF FROM TRAVELING ANYWHERE NORTH OF CANADA.

FRACTURE (ANTHONY HOPKINS, RYAN GOSLING;2007)

THIS MOVIE IS A BRILLIANT PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER. IT'S ALSO A NECESSARY INSTRUCTION MANUAL ON HOW TO KILL YOUR WIFE, OR A DECEPTIVE LOVED ONE. I WISH THIS MOVIE HAD HIT THEATRES 10 YRS AGO AFTER I MARRIED MY FIRST WIFE. I'LL ALWAYS TRY TO FORGET THE DAY WE MET....I WAS THREE DAYS INTO AN OPIUM BENDER WHICH HAD STARTED ON A MONDAY. SHE INVITED ME INTO HER BROTHEL WHICH ADVERTISED "2 FOR 1 WEDNESDAYS." THE TAHITIAN GOVERNMENT WAS HOT ON MY TRAIL. WAS I AN INTERNATIONAL SPY? OR A HORNY JUNKY? OR BOTH? EITHER WAY I WAS LOW ON FRANCS. THE AIR WAS THICK. MARRIAGE SEEMED LIKE A BEAUTIFUL THING AGAINST THE LUSH GREEN BACK-DROP OF A RAIN FOREST I'D SOON BE HIDING IN FOR DAYS. NATURALLY, LIKE ALL MY DECISIONS, IT TURNED INTO QUITE A NIGHTMARE. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SIR ANTHONY'S CHEATING WIFE IS IN THIS FILM. AFTER PLANNING, AND EXECUTING, HIS WIFE'S MURDER, SIR ANTHONY CONTINUES AT HIS DEVILISH BEST. PLAYING THE PERFECT OPPONENT TO RYAN GOSLING'S POOR, AGGRESSIVE, PROSECUTING ATTORNEY. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A WORTHWHILE FILM WITH PLENTY OF TWISTS AND, OF COURSE, SPECTACULAR ACTING. HOWEVER, ALSO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR A PREDICTABLE AND THEREFORE, ANTI-CLIMACTIC ENDING.

I AM LEGEND (WILL SMITH, GERMAN SHEPARD;2007)

SING WITH ME NOW: "IN WEST PHILADELPHIA BORN AND RAISED! I MAKE SHIT MOVIES AND STILL GET PAID!" THE FRESH PRINCE MUST'VE BEEN SO PISSED ABOUT NOT SIGNING ON FOR 2002'S 28 DAYS LATER, THAT HE DECIDED TO MAKE THE EXACT SAME MOVIE WITH A PG-13 REVISION. THE FIRST HALF OF THIS MOVIE IS BASICALLY CASTAWAY (TOM HANKS, FEDEX). HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF MAINTAINING HIS SANITY BY TALKING TO A VOLLEYBALL, THE FRESH PRINCE TALKS TO A DOG. THE BRANDO OF GERMAN SHEPARDS BUT A DOG NONETHELESS. THE SECOND HALF OF THE MOVIE DEGRADES ITSELF BY TURNING INTO A CGI, ZOMBIE ACTION FLICK. IT'S NOT THAT LEGEND IS A BAD MOVIE, BUT THAT IT COULD BE SO MUCH BETTER. WE'RE NOT ASKING FOR SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION HERE, BUT A LITTLE CONSIDERATION FOR THE EDUCATED WOULD BE NICE. I RECOMMEND SEEING THIS MOVIE IN THEATRES IF YOU'RE HUNGOVER, STONED, OR JUST NOT THAT BRIGHT.

RESCUE DAWN (CHRISTIAN BALE; 2007

IT'S NO MISSING IN ACTION BUT ANY MOVIE THAT STARS THE VIETNAMESE AND PATRICK BATEMAN, AS A P.O.W. PUSHED TO THE BRINK, IS GOING TO WIN BIG. THIS MOVIE HAS BRILLIANT CHARACTER DEVELOPEMENT EXCEPT FOR STEVE ZAHN WHO SHOULD NEVER STAR AS ANYTHING BUT THE FUN, LOVABLE, LOSER BEST FRIEND IN SAVING SILVERMAN. THE ONLY THING THAT COULD'VE MADE THIS MOVIE BETTER IS IF CHUCK NORRIS HAD BURST ON THE SCENE, GROWN A BEARD OF RAGE, AND KILLED EVERYTHING THAT MOVED. DON'T MISS RENTING THIS FILM. AND YES....CHRISTIAN BALE REALLY EATS MAGGOTS.

DEATH PROOF (KURT RUSSELL, ROSE MCGOWAN;2007)

How was this creative beauty born? …. “OK guys. We’ve officially snorted the revenue from Jackie Brown. So we’re gonna need a winner here. Wait…wait… I’ve got it! I’m seeing Kurt Russell revising his role in Escape From New York with a touch of Unlawful Entry for the kids. -‘Use a fuckin’ post-it Rob, those bills were laundered in South Beach.’- Alright, now I’m seeing nachos, a bar, and a fast muscle car. Holy shit I’m a genius. Call Weinstein for fuck’s sake we practically have script. OK man, oh shit yeah! Get this. I got it. Not only is fuckin’ Russell gonna act the shit outta this golden globe, but he’s gonna kill hot chicks with the car! Good God! Call the studio. We’re gonna need an advance on this magic before sunrise.” Jesus Christ. For those of you that didn’t O.D. and die in the 70’s, thanks for fucking it up. Please rent this movie.

MR. BROOKS (KEVIN COSTNER, DEMI MOORE; 2007)

THIS LITTLE MIRACLE STARS KEVIN COSTNER AS A SERIAL KILLER WHO GOES TO A.A. MEETINGS TO CONTROL HIS "ADDICTION," OR "MURDEROUS ALTER EGO." DEMI MOORE PLAYS THE INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY, ACTION JUNKIE COP WHO'S HOT ON HIS HEELS. KEVIN COSTNER...HERE'S A GUY WHO SHOULD HAVE A DRUG PROBLEM. NOBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MAKE DECISIONS THIS POOR, WHICH HE'S BEEN DOING SINCE '93, UNLESS THEY'RE ON SOME SERIOUS SHIT. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THIS ASSHOLE TO SIGN ON FOR BULL DURHAM 2: BULL SHIT. COSTNER IS STARRING OPPOSITE DANE COOK FOR CHRIST SAKE. THAT GUY SHOULDN'T BE IN ANYTHING BUT A PROACTIV INFOMERCIAL. MY HOLLYWOOD INSIDER, TIME WARNER CABLE, TOLD ME COSTNER WAS FIRST CHOICE FOR ROBIN WILLIAM'S CHARACTER IN GOOD WILL HUNTING. UNFORTUNATELY, HE USED THE SCRIPT AS COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT THE AFTER PARTY FOR THE POSTMAN. PLEASE SAVE THIS MAN FROM HIMSELF AND STOP WATCHING HIS FILMS.

JUNO (ELLEN PAGE, MICHAEL CERA;2007)

TEEN PREGNANCY IS NO JOKE. UNLESS IT'S DONE RIGHT. WHICH MEANS LEAVING TOWN THE SECOND THAT ACCIDENT'S CONCEIVED, ONLY TO RESURFACE YEARS LATER DISGUISED AS THE QUEER ASTRONAUT FROM 'N SYNC. THIS MOVIE MANAGED TO TURN TEEN PREGNANCY INTO A PERFECT DRAMADY WITHOUT EVEN REFERENCING MY STEP-BY-STEP PREGNANCY HANDBOOK, "WHEN ROE VS. WADE FAILS, GET THE FUCK OUTTA DODGE." LOOK FORWARD TO THE KID FROM SUPERBAD STILL MASTERING HIS SHY-LOVABLE-GEEK CHARACTER, AND ENJOY THE LEADING LADY WHO PLAYS THE PART OF A PROMISCUOUS, SARCASTIC TEEN TO A "T." YOU'LL LAUGH. YOU'LL CRY. YOU MIGHT EVEN CONTACT THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN. SEE THIS MOVIE WHILE IT'S STILL IN THEATRES. YOU DESERVE IT.

REVOLVER (RAY LIOTTA, JASON STATHAM;2007)

GUY RITCHIE'S 2002 MONA LISA, SWEPT AWAY, WAS OBNOXIOUS AND INCONSIDERATE. FORTUNATELY FOR US HE'S RETURNED TO HIS WINNING FORMULA OF ABSURD GANGSTER MOVIES. THIS MOVIE BARES SIMILARITIES TO THE USUAL SUSPECTS. IF YOU LIKED THAT, YOU'LL PROBABLY LIKE THIS. THE VIEWER SHOULD ALSO BE WARNED THAT RAY LIOTTA WEARS A MAN-THONG THROUGHOUT MOST OF THE FILM. RAY'S ALSO HAD A HORRIBLE FACE-LIFT, SOMETIME BETWEEN CORRINA CORRINA AND NOW, THAT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN PERFORMED BY DR. JAN ADAMS (SEE DONDA WEST). CRITICS OF A LESSER CALIBER THAN MYSELF GAVE REVOLVER POOR REVIEWS, SO YOU MAY LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR THEATRE BEING FILLED AT HALF CAPACITY. WHICH IS GOOD CONSIDERING AMERICAN OBESITY. WE ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE REALLY BARE THE BRUNT OF THOSE HOGS. I RECOMMEND SEEING THIS MOVIE TONIGHT WITH A CHASER OF SEXY FUN, YOU WILD CARDS.

300 (GERARD BUTLER; 2007)

HERE'S 2 HOURS OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER GET BACK. I'VE SEEN BETTER ACTING IN A WHITESNAKE VIDEO, WHICH IS A DIFFICULT FEAT CONSIDERING EACH CHARACTER HAD A MAXIMUM OF 10 LINES. I MIGHT ADD THAT EACH LINE REFERRED TO THE FACT THAT THE AUDIENCE WAS WATCHING A, HISTORICALLY INACCURATE, REGURGITATION OF THE BATTLE OF THERMOPYLAE. THANK YOU FOR THAT MR. FILMMAKER. I HAD NO IDEA THAT I WAS WATCHING SOME RIDICULOUS HISTORICAL RE-CAP, FILTERED THROUGH THE MIND OF SOME COLUMBINE, COMIC BOOK GEEK. THIS MOVIE WAS APPARENTLY FILMED ENTIRELY ON "BLUE SCREEN." FASCINATING. IT COULD'VE BEEN FILMED IN THE BRONX AND NOT MADE A DIFFERENCE. SAVE YOUR MONEY AND DON'T RENT THIS DUMP.

1408 (JOHN CUSACK; SAMUEL L. JACKSON;2007)

JOHN CUSACK STARS IN THIS THRILLING STEPHEN KING ADAPTATION AS NONE OTHER THAN....ROBERT DOWNEY JR (IN THE MIDDLE OF A FANTASTIC RELAPSE). AFTER SPENDING MULTIPLE NIGHTS IN RUN-DOWN, "HAUNTED" HOTEL ROOMS, CUSACK'S CHARACTER FINDS HIMSELF IN THE MOST HAUNTED HOTEL ROOM OF ALL, AT THE LUXURIOUS DOLPHIN HOTEL, ALSO KNOWN AS, THE WALDORF ASTORIA IN NYC. LIKE MR. DOWNEY, HE'S AT "LESS THAN ZERO" WITHIN ONE HOUR OF ARRIVING AT THE DOLPHIN. HE LOCKS HIMSELF IN ROOM 1408. HE BEGINS TO SEE IMAGINARY PEOPLE. HE'S ATTACKED BY AN ALARM CLOCK AND THE ELEMENTS (FIRE, WATER, YOU KNOW THE DRILL), AND HE CAN'T SEEM TO CONTACT THE OUTSIDE WORLD. JUDGING BY THE REGAN-ERA CRIME WAVE RELATED TO CRACK-COCAINE, YOU'D THINK THIS GUY WOULD'VE BEEN AWARE OF THE DANGERS OF DRUG ABUSE. MY FIRST CLUE WOULD'VE BEEN WHEN I WALKED IN AND SAW JEWELS FROM PULP FICTION MANAGING THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT. ANYWAY, DRUG-INDUCED PARANOIA IS ALWAYS A BLAST, AND THOUGH THIS MOVIE MAY NOT ACTUALLY INVOLVE DRUGS, OR BE "SCARY," IT'S DEFINITELY "FUN," AND WORTH RENTING.

30 DAYS OF NIGHT (JOSH HARTNETT; 2007)

THIS MOVIE STARS JOSH HARTNETT, THE NIGHTTIME, AN ALASKAN TOWN, AND ABOUT 30 VAMPIRES. I HAD A PROBLEM ONE LONG NIGHT WITH BLOODTHIRSTY VAMPIRES. WELL, MAYBE NOT VAMPIRES SO MUCH AS 2 ASIAN HOOKERS WHO RUFEED AND ROBBED ME IN DOWNTOWN SHANGHAI. I THINK THEY WERE INSULTED AFTER I TRIED TO PROPOSITION THEM WITH ONLY MY GOOD LOOKS, 2 BUCKS AND A BAG OF RUFFLES. THEY MUST'VE BEEN SAVVY TO THE DECLINE OF THE AMERICAN DOLLAR. I BET BANK OF AMERICA STILL WOULDN'T REIMBURSE ME FOR MY STOLEN CREDIT CARDS EVEN IF I WERE JOSH HARTNETT. THAT NIGHT WAS FAR MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THIS MOVIE. HOWEVER, THIS MOVIE PROVIDES AN INTERESTING "TWIST" ON THE VAMPIRE GENRE, AND IS WORTH THE RENTAL OR TICKET.

SUPERBAD (JONAH HILL, MICHAEL CERA; 2007)

UNLIKE THAT TEEN COMEDY THAT CAME OUT 8 YEARS AGO, SUPERBAD ACTUALLY STARS KIDS TRYING TO SCREW GIRLS AND NOT APPLE PIE. ALSO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT PUTZ, CHRIS KLEIN. THIS MOVIE WILL HIT HOME FOR ANYONE WHO WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL. ESPECIALLY IF THAT ANYONE HAD A FAT, SARCASTIC, JEWISH FRIEND, COULDN'T GET LAID, AND LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE KID FROM ARRESTED DEVELOPEMENT. WHICH PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP MY HIGH SCHOOL CAREER.....I CRY.....I LOSE......I BLOG. ADD THIS NEW DVD RELEASE TO THE TOP OF YOUR QUEUE TODAY, RIGHT ABOVE SINGLE WHITE FEMALE AND GHOSTDAD.

HEARTBREAK KID (BEN STILLER, MALIN AKERMAN; 2007)

HEARTWARMING?....HUMOROUS?....SURE. THEN AGAIN, I MADE A HEARTWARMING, HUMOROUS FILM A COUPLE YEARS AGO IN THE FAVELAS OF BRAZIL. 8MM. IT HAD A VERY BRIEF RELEASE IN THE STATES. THE GOVERNMENT CALLED IT "SNUFF." I CALLED IT "CLASSY."

BEN STILLER'S BEST MOVIE ALWAYS HAS BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE, PERMANENT MIDNIGHT. IF YOU'RE A BEN STILLER FAN, RENT HEARTBREAK KID. OTHERWISE, WAIT FOR THIS ONE ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

TRANSFORMERS (SHIA LABEOUF; JOSH DUHAMEL; 2007)

THE TERMINATOR. GOOD MACHINES. BAD MACHINES. PEOPLE CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE. GREAT FRANCHISE..... TRANSFORMERS. GOOD MACHINES. BAD MACHINES. SHIA LABEOUF. FERGIE'S BOYFRIEND. THANK YOU MICHAEL BAY FOR SINGLE-HANDEDLY LOWERING THE I.Q. OF AN ENTIRE NATION. KUDOS. IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I OWE YOU A CHEESEBURGER.

THIS MOVIE WILL LEAVE YOU DISAPPOINTED. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVED THE CARTOON.

APOCALYPTO (RUDY YOUNGBLOOD; 2007)

MEL GIBSON......BIGOT, ALCOHOLIC, ASSHOLE....FILM-MAKER. BY NOW WE'RE ALL AWARE OF MEL'S WILD IMAGINATION, WHETHER IT BE SEEN IN HIS FILMS, OR IN HIS DRUNK RANTS SPEWED FROM THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR. WHEN IT COMES TO IMAGINATION, THIS MOVIE'S GOT IT ALL. APOCALYPTO IS A FANTASTIC, VIOLENT, ADVENTURE FILM. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SUBTITLES. THE PRIMARY DIALOGUE IS SCREAMING. AND IF YOU'RE HESITANT TO RENT THIS BECAUSE OF OL' MEL, REMEMBER THIS: MEL GIBSON HAS SOOOO MUCH MONEY THAT BOYCOTTING HIS FILM(S) WON'T MAKE A SHIT OF A DIFFERENCE TO HIM. MERRY CHRISTMAS. HAPPY HANUKKA. PICK UP THIS THRILL-RIDE TONIGHT MOVIE-GOERS.

BLACK SNAKE MOAN (SAMUEL L. JACKSON, CHRISTINA RICCI; 2007)

WEDNESDAY FROM THE ADAMS FAMILY HAS FINALLY MADE A BRILLIANT CAREER MOVE BY STARRING IN INTERRACIAL, BONDAGE PORN IN THIS SOON-TO-BE CULT CLASSIC. THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. HOWEVER, IT HAS ITS MOMENTS....AND BY "MOMENTS" I MEAN, CHRISTINA RICCI RUNNING AROUND NAKED WHILE CHAINED TO A RADIATOR. IF SOMEONE ELSE RENTS THIS GEM, STICK AROUND AND WATCH IT, BUT DON'T RENT THIS MOVIE YOURSELF.

THE INVASION (NICOLE KIDMAN, DANIEL CRAIG;2007)

YOU EVER FART IN AN ELEVATOR AND THEN START TALKING REALLY LOUD TO DISTRACT THE OTHER PASSENGERS FROM THE SMELL YOU CREATED? THAT'S KIND OF LIKE THIS MOVIE. YOU THINK YOUR VIEWING SOMETHING WITH SOME SUBSTANCE, LIKE OUR FLATULENT CULPRIT DAZZLING THE PASSENGERS WITH LOUD CONVERSATION, ONLY TO WALK OUT TWO HOURS LATER REALIZING YOU'VE JUST BEEN HAD. IF YOU WANT TO PAY TO WATCH ALIENS (DISGUISED AS EMOTIONLESS, INSOMNIAC ASSHOLES) TAKING OVER THE WORLD, GO TO WALL ST. OTHERWISE, DON'T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THIS LOUSY RE-MAKE.