THE IMAGE TO YOUR LEFT IS ACTUALLY OF THE MOVIE JERK WATCHING THE INCREDIBLE HULK. THIS IS THE WORST MOVIE I'VE SEEN SINCE IN THE BEDROOM. THERE'S NOTHING QUITE AS COOL AS MAKING THE EXACT SAME MOVIE TWICE. THE FIRST WAS BANG LEE'S 2003 DISASTER, HULK. IN THIS ONE, DR. BRUCE BANNER IS HIDING IN THE FAVELAS OF BRAZIL ATTENDING GAMMA ANONYMOUS MEETINGS AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A CURE FOR BEING THE COOLEST GUY AT THE BAR:
BANNER: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF BLUE MOON?
BARTENDER: YOU SEE THAT KEG OVER THERE CHIEF? IT'S TAPPED. THAT'S WHAT I MEAN.
BANNER: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!? YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!
BARTENDER: I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY. HOW 'BOUT A BUD LIGHT?
BANNER: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!
BARTENDER: YO MAN. YOU LOOK PRETTY GREEN. IF YOU'RE GONNA PUKE DO IT OUT SIDE.
BANNER: HULK SMASH!
BARTENDER: NOT BEFORE "HULK" PAYS TAB ASSHOLE.
ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID, BANNER IS ON THE RUN, HIDING IN BRAZIL. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH BRAZIL, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF SKINNY, WHITE, AMERICAN MALES OVER THERE IS APPROXIMATELY 90 MINUTES. SO UNLESS BANNER WERE THE HULK FULL TIME, THE GOVERNMENT WOULD NEVER FIND HIM IN BRAZIL BECAUSE HE WOULD'VE BEEN CHOPPED UP AND STIRRED INTO A BATCH OF COCAINE. ONLY TO BE SHIPPED BACK TO AMERICA ON "GO FAST" BOATS AND SNORTED BY TOMMY LEE. SUBJECTING US TO ANOTHER 50 YEARS OF HORRIBLE DRUMMING.
THE REST OF THIS MOVIE IS THE EXACT SAME AS 2003'S HULK EXCEPT WITHOUT THE SPECIAL TREAT OF NICK NOLTE. THIS MOVIE IS MUY MUY BAD.
2 comments:
"go fast" boats? Sounds like plagiarism right out of Michael Mann's smash hit screenplay, Miami Vice.
IF YOU HAD COINED THE PHRASE, MICHAEL, IT WOULD'VE BEEN PLAGIARISM. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU DIDN'T, SO IT'S NOT.
-TMJ
Post a Comment