STAYED TUNED FOR THE MOVIE JERK'S REVIEW OF THE STRANGERS. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "THE STRANGER." WHICH ALSO ROCKS!

THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN PART II (RICKY SHRODER, BENJAMIN BRATT, WILL, TOKEN BLACK FEMALE DOCTOR, TOKEN GAY SOLDIER, TOKEN ASIAN SCIENTIST;2008)

DUM DUM DUM. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN RETURNED FOR PART II ON TUESDAY EVENING TO SHOVE MORE LIBERAL SHIT DOWN OUR THROATS. WAS THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN A MESSAGE FROM OUR FUTURE SELVES? ONCE DECODED, WAS IT A REQUEST FOR NATURAL RESOURCES WE'D BURNT OUT IN THE FUTURE AND COULD ONLY REACQUIRE FROM THE PAST? DID AL GORE TRAVEL INTO THE FUTURE TO WITNESS THE EFFECTS OF GLOBAL WARMING!? THEN PROCEED TO GET STUCK THERE? IS HE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH US? IS IT A KILLER ALIEN VIRUS? OR IS IT THE BUTT-UGLY CHICK IN THIS PHOTO WITH THE KID FROM SILVER SPOONS? WHO BY THE WAY HAD THE BEST LINE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE:

TOKEN DOCTOR: "YOU GOT A GIRL BACK HOME?"

RICK SHRODER MAN-DECODER: "I WON'T TELL IF YOU DON'T ASK..."

DID THEY REALLY HAVE TO MAKE THIS GUY A GAY? THAT WAS ABOUT THE TIME THE MOVIE JERK THREW A BEER AT THE SCREEN AND STARTED BOOING HIS ZENITH TELEVISION SET. I GUESS OLD RICKY DOESN'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE IN HIS ROLES THOUGH. IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN EASY GOING FROM SILVER SPOONS TO SILVER POONS. THE SECOND HALF WASN'T NEARLY AS COOL AS THE FIRST. HOWEVER, IF YOU CAN IGNORE THE UNDERLYING AGENDA OF THE SCREEN WRITERS THIS MOVIE'S STILL WORTH RENTING WHEN IT ARRIVES ON DVD.

THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN PART 1 (RICKY SHRODER, BENJAMIN BRATT, ERIC MCCORMACK;2008)

TO YOUR LEFT IS A PICTURE OF RICKY SHRODER. ONE OF THE TOP SCIENTISTS HIRED TO FIND A CURE FOR AN ALIEN VIRUS KNOWN AS ANDROMEDA. IF THIS MOVIE WERE AT ALL REALISTIC EVERYONE WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD. YOU DON'T CURE DEADLY VIRUSES WITH NAKED CANNONBALLS OR SILVER SPOONS. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN IS A VIRUS PICKED UP IN SPACE BY AN AMERICAN SATELLITE. ANDROMEDA INDUCES BLOOD CLOTTING, AS WELL AS HOMICIDAL AND SUICIDAL BEHAVIOR. WHICH MAKES ME SUSPECT "ANDROMEDA" IS ACTUALLY A LARGE SHIPMENT OF PCP. FOR THOSE OF YOU UNFAMILIAR WITH PCP, IT'S THE DRUG TO WHICH MOST MARVEL SUPERHEROES ARE ADDICTED. IT MAKES YOU FEEL NO PAIN, PROVIDES A FALSE SENSE OF INVINCIBILITY, AND CAUSES YOU TO BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY. IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY. THE FIRST HALF OF THIS REMAKE PREMIERED LAST NIGHT ON A&E NETWORK AND I MUST SAY I WAS PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE TO A REAL MOVIE. AND FREE. WILL FROM WILL & GRACE PLAYS A HETEROSEXUAL JOURNALIST IN THIS. HOWEVER, EVERY TIME A TENSE ACTION SCENE BREAKS OUT HE RUNS FOR A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY, SITS DOWN, PATS HIS BROW WITH A POLKA-DOT HANDKERCHIEF, AND STARTS TELLING ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN ABOUT WHAT A "CRAZTHY WAZY" DAY HE'S HAVING. THE ENTIRE MOVIE PLAYS TONIGHT ON A&E. CHECK THE TIMES AND BE SURE TO TUNE IN.

The Flock (Richard Gere, Claire Danes;2007)

NEEDLESS TO SAY, AUDIENCES DID NOT "FLOCK" TO THIS DISTANT COUSIN OF 8MM (NICK CAGE). RICHARD GERE IS OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO BECOME UNFAMOUS. HIS PLAN OF MAKING VERY BAD MOVIES SEEMS TO BE WORKING. WITHIN TWO YEARS HE WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE WRITTEN OFF AS TALENTLESS BOX-OFFICE RUST WITH A PERMA-SQUINT AND POOR TEMPER. IN THIS MODERN MIRACLE, GERE PLAYS ERROL BABBAGE (PRONOUNCE "CABBAGE" WITH A "B"). ERROL TRACKS SEX OFFENDERS. FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH PEOPLE IN THIS OCCUPATION I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH AN EXAMPLE OF THEIR DUTIES. THEY FREQUENTLY BARGE IN YOUR HOUSE AND ASK YOU HOW YOU'RE DOING, WHERE YOU'RE WORKING, IS IT NEAR A SCHOOL, DO YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME IN TOY STORES OR THE WOMEN'S LINGERIE SECTION OF THE MALL AND SIMILAR QUESTIONS TO PUT THE SURROUNDING COMMUNITY AT EASE. AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT BUILDING SWING SETS IN LOCAL PLAYGROUNDS YOU SHOULD BE ALRIGHT. HOWEVER, EVERY NOW AND THEN THESE INSPECTORS ARRIVE AT YOUR HOME UNANNOUNCED AND ASK SOME PRETTY TRICKY QUESTIONS. FOR EXAMPLE THEY MIGHT SHOVE A PHOTO OF A TEENAGE GIRL IN YOUR FACE AND SCREAM, "MR. JERK, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL? HER NAME IS ANGELA. SHE'S THE CAPTAIN OF HER SOCCER TEAM, AN HONOUR STUDENT AND WENT MISSING 2 DAYS AGO." TO WHICH MR. JERK WOULD RESPOND, "NO SIR. THAT'S NOT EVEN MY BED IN THE PHOTO AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TIE KNOTS LIKE THAT. THOUGH MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE THIS OUT TO THE PATIO. I'VE LOCKED MY MINIATURE COLLIE IN THE BEDROOM AND YOUR LOUD VOICE IS MAKING HER WHIMPER." "MINIATURE COLLIES CAN'T SAY, 'HELP ME!' MR. JERK..." "UM...YOU KNOW, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, I MAY HAVE SEEN THAT BED IN MY UNCLE'S HOUSE IN NANTUCKET. YOU SHOULD REALLY TALK TO HIM." AND SO ON. ANYWAY, IN THE FLOCK BABBAGE BECOMES OBSESSED WITH HIS MORE EXTREME CLIENTS AND BARELY KEEPS HIMSELF IN CHECK FROM USING HIS "UNORTHODOX" METHODS. HOWEVER, WHEN A YOUNG GIRL GOES MISSING, ALL BETS ARE OFF. CLAIRE DANES REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO BE IN THIS MOVIE. I GIVE IT ONE CORNER OF ONE STAR. -TMJ

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (HARRISON FORD, SHIA LEBEOUF, KAREN ALLEN, CATE BLANCHETT, PHOTO OF SEAN CONNERY;2008)

I KNEW IT. THE MINUTE HARRISON FORD REMOVED HIS GOD DAMN EARRING HE STARTED MAKING GOOD DECISIONS AGAIN. NO MORE RANDOM HEARTS OR SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS. THANK GOD FORD DIDN’T DESTROY HIS REPUTATION AFTER K-19: THE WIDOW MAKER BY DOING SOMETHING STUPID. YOU KNOW, LIKE GET CAUGHT ASPHYXIATING HIMSELF WITH A WHIP WHILE MASTURBATING IN A HOTEL ROOM WEARING NOTHING BUT A FEDORA. I’M PRETTY SURE THAT WOULD’VE HALTED THE INDIANA JONES VEHICLE. STAY COOL MICHAEL HUTCHENCE. YOU KNOW YOU SUCKED LONG BEFORE YOU DIED. LET’S NOT PRETEND WE CARED. THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL DOESN’T CHANGE THE INDIANA JONES FORMULA ONE BIT. THE STORY MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE FAR-FETCHED THAN USUAL BUT LUCAS AND SPIELBERG ALREADY SET THE BAR PRETTY HIGH WITH THE FIRST THREE JONE’S ADVENTURES. THE ACTION SCENES ARE VERY LONG BUT NEVER DULL, LIKE LITTLE MOVIES IN THEMSELVES. THE PLOT DOES INVOLVE ALIENS, POSSIBLY INDY’S BASTARD CHILD, COMMUNISM, RUSSIANS, AND NUCLEAR WEAPONRY. THE STORY DOES HAVE A COUPLE HOLES BUT IT GENERALLY WORKS. THE OPENING DOESN’T WASTE ANY TIME GETTING INTO OLD SCHOOL JONESERY. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T EXPECT IT TO BE AS GOOD AS THE FIRST THREE JONE’S FILMS, YOU’RE IN FOR A GOOD ADVENTURE MOVIE. I'll STOP THERE BEFORE I RUIN THE PLOT. SEE THIS TONIGHT. -TMJ
P.S.
THE INCOHERENT ASIAN KID FROM TEMPLE OF DOOM REPRISES HIS ROLE IN THE NEW JONES. IT'S NOT SO BAD THOUGH. HE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN WORKING WITH A VOICE & DICTION COACH AND HE'S WEARING SO MUCH MAKE-UP HE LOOKS LIKE SHIA LEBEOUF.
CATE BLANCHETT’S STILL HOT AS A RUSSIAN WITH A HORRIBLE HAIRCUT.
KAREN ALLEN AGES WORSE THAN WARM MILK.
SEAN CONNERY’S AN ASSHOLE.

THE ROAD WARRIOR (MEL GIBSON, BRUCE SPENCE;1982)

THERE'S A FEW THINGS ABOUT WHICH THE MOVIE JERK IS VERY PASSIONATE. ONE IS LUNCHBOXES: THE BRIEFCASE OF THE TODDLER AND THE WORKING CLASS. THE SECOND IS YACHTING: BECAUSE I CAN. THE THIRD IS TIME WARNER CABLE: EMPLOYING THE HOMELESS SINCE 1989. AND FINALLY, THE ROAD WARRIOR. AFTER A NUCLEAR BLAST DESTROYS AUSTRALIA, THE REMAINING POPULATION TURNS INTO RAPISTS, MURDERERS, AND CANNIBALS WHO WOULD DECAPITATE THEIR FELLOW MAN FOR A GALLON OF GASOLINE. NOT UNLIKE 2008. HOWEVER, IT'S NOT THE DANGEROUS NOMADIC LIFESTYLE, OR RADIATION THAT'S FRIGHTENING. IT'S THE FACT THAT APPARENTLY AFTER A NUCLEAR BOMB EXPLODES, THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO PROVINCETOWN, MASSACHUSETTS AND THE ONLY CLOTHING TO SURVIVE THE BLAST WILL BE SILVER-STUDDED LEATHER SPEEDOS AND ASS-LESS CHAPS. LUCKILY MEL GIBSON, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, WILL DESTROY THESE S&M MONSTERS, AND RETURN US TO A CIVILIZATION BASED ON TRADITIONAL VALUES....SUCH AS LUNCH BOXES, YACHTING, AND TIME WARNER CABLE. GREAT ACTION IN THIS CLASSIC BUT IT DEFINITELY GETS WEIRDER EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

PREMONITION (SANDRA BULLOCK, JULIAN MCMAHON;2007)

THE PICTURE TO YOUR LEFT IS ACTUALLY THE MOVIE JERK BEFORE, AFTER, AND DURING SEX. NOTICE THE EXPRESSION. TO ME IT SAYS "SURE, I'M PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP. AND I KNOW YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED BABE. I ALSO KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THE HOUSE (NOT TO MENTION THE BED). BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU COULD BE THAT SPECIAL ONE-IN-A-MILLION GIRL AND TAKE THE FUCKIN' HINT: I'M DONE. AND UNLESS YOU COME WITH BEER, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA YOUR HOUSE AND LET ME GET SOME GODDAMN REST." SORRY. THAT WAS JUST THE ROMANTIC IN ME COMING OUT. ANYWAY, 2007 WAS NOT A GOOD YEAR. THIS MOVIE DIDN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER. I'VE GOT OUT OF BED 3 TIMES THIS YEAR INCLUDING TODAY. THE FIRST TIME I GOT OUT OF BED I HEARD SIDEBURNS WENT OUT OF STYLE AND WERE NOW ONLY POPULAR IN THE GAY COMMUNITY. ON THE SECOND DAY OF "FUCKTHIS," MY TOILET WAS OVERFLOWING AND I DECIDED TO SHIT THE BED. ON THE THIRD DAY I HEARD SANDRA BULLOCK'S LATEST GIFT TO WORLD PULLED IN 47 MILLION DOLLARS. THIS MOVIE'S ABOUT AS COOL AS HAVING 1 LINE OF COKE: FOR 10 MINUTES YOU THINK YOU'RE GOOD FOR THE NIGHT. NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU'RE READY TO AXE A MOTHERFUCKER FOR 60 BUCKS AND HIS CAR KEYS. IF YOU WANT A SYNOPSIS OF THE PIECE OF SHIT GO TO YAHOO. ALL I'M GOING TO TELL YOU IS THAT IT SUCKS. -TMJ

POINT BREAK (KEANU REEVES, PATRICK SWAYZE, GARY BUSEY;1991)

BEER ME!.... TO YOUR LEFT I POSTED A DIGITALLY ENHANCED PHOTO OF MR. JOSHUA (SEE LETHAL WEAPON). HE WAS LAST SEEN ON THE SET OF UNDER SIEGE IN 1992. FORTUNATELY FOR YOU, ME, AND ESPECIALLY GARY "THE GRAVY" BUSEY, POINT BREAK 2 RECENTLY GOT THE GREEN LIGHT FOR A 2009 RELEASE. MEANING BUSEY CAN DITCH HIS GROCERY CART AND START SHOPPING FOR STUDIO APARTMENTS AGAIN. CHEERS TO THE SWEET LIFE BUSEY. EASY MONEY. NO DISH WASHER BUT IT COMES WITH A MICROWAVE! FAST COOKING FOR CRACK/COCAINE OR AN UNWANTED INFANT! UNFORTUNATELY, ANY ACTOR WHO'S STILL WORTH MORE THAN A SUBWAY TOKEN IS NOT SIGNING ON FOR THIS CAREER HIGHLIGHT. WHICH MEANS BUSEY WILL REPRISE HIS ROLE AS RECOVERING F.B.I. ADDICT, ANGELO PAPPAS, RICHARD GREICO WILL SLIDE INTO SWAYZE'S ROLE AS BHODI, AND ALEX WINTER (BILL;BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE) WILL FILL THE SHOES OF JOHNNY UTAH. ALEX SHOULD BE WELL RESTED AFTER HIS "SELF-IMPOSED" 20 YEAR HIATUS FROM THE BIG SCREEN. WHO KNEW ALEX'S TRUE PASSION WAS TO BE A MACHINIST IN DETROIT? I GUESS SOME PEOPLE REALLY AREN'T ATTRACTED THE GLAMOUR OF HOLLYWOOD. ANYWAY, PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT BY PURCHASING THE FIRST POINT BREAK TODAY. THOUGH IT WAS LIKE WATER IN THE DESSERT (NECESSARY & FANTASTICAL), ITS SEQUEL IS GOING TO BE A REAL COIN TOSS.

AIR AMERICA (MEL GIBSON, ROBERT DOWNEY JR.;1990)

READ THE CAPTION: "THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE TOTALLY INSANE." (I DOUBT BOB DOWNEY WAS TOO PROUD WHEN HE STUMBLED INTO THE WRONG HOUSE IN MALIBU, THINKING IT WAS HIS, AND PASSED OUT). THAT BEING SAID... HOW SADLY ACCURATE IT IS WHEN LIFE IMITATES ART. IN THIS 35 MILLION DOLLAR ACTION FEAST, NOT ONLY DO RIGGS AND MURTAUGH CRASH PLANES INSTEAD OF CARS BUT THEY'RE BOTH WHITE! UNFORTUNATELY, THE PRODUCERS NARROWED THEIR TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC BY LIMITING THE PLOT TO CAUCASIAN CAMARADERIE. THEREFORE DRASTICALLY LOWERING THE BOX OFFICE REVENUE AS WELL. THERE'S SIMPLY NO OTHER EXCUSE FOR THIS GEM DOING AS POORLY AS IT DID (5 MILLION UNDER BUDGET). IF ONLY MURTAUGH WERE THERE TO HOLD BACK RIGGS AS HE FOAMED AT THE MOUTH, SHOT GUNS AND GOT ELECTROCUTED IN MID-AIR. DAMN YOU DOWNEY AND YOUR METHADONE ACTING. NEXT TIME YOU GET BACK ON THE JUNK, IRONMAN, YOU BETTER NIKKI-SIX YOUR ASS INTO A REAL BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT. I HOLD YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR DANNY GLOVER'S CAREER DECISIONS. SHOOTER? SAW? THE BLACK STUDENTS' UNION? THIRD WORLD LIBERATION FRONT? I CAN'T EVEN FIND THOSE LATTER TWO MOVIES. IT'S JUST SAD. APPARENTLY MEL GIBSON AND RDJ REALLY BONDED AND ENJOYED "GETTING INTO CHARACTER" BEFORE THIS FLOP BEGAN FILMING IN THAILAND: HOME OF THE AMERICAN PEDOPHILE. I'M SHOCKED. WHAT DID THESE TWO HAVE IN COMMON ASIDE FROM A POOR SCRIPT? WAIT...WAIT....IF MY MATH IS CORRECT....MEL GIBSON BEGAN ATTENDING A.A. MEETINGS IN 1991, AND ROBERT DOWNEY JR. MADE CHAPLIN IN 1992....YES! I'VE GOT IT! THEY WERE BOTH COMPLETELY FUCKED UP WHEN FILMING BEGAN IN 1989. I LIKE TO THANK TO MY 10TH GRADE PRE-CALC TEACHER FOR NOT QUITING ON ME, AND FOR KEEPING ME AWAKE IN CLASS BY SMELLING LIKE A SHOE. I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN INTO DRUGS WITHOUT YOU. CHEERS. BITCH.

THE X-FILES (DAVID DUCHOVNY, GILLIAN ANDERSON;1998)

REMEMBER THESE TWO? THEY FOUGHT OFF ALIENS AND SEXUAL TENSION THROUGHOUT THE NINETIES. FOX MOULDER AND DANA SCULLY WERE THE SONNY & CHER OF THE LAST DECADE. EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T SUCK AND THEY SKIED THROUGH TREES, NOT INTO THEM. WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE STILL AROUND TO RELEASE THE X-FILES SEQUEL THIS JULY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT SCULLY RETURNING TO THE BIG SCREEN LOOKING LIKE MOLLY RINGWALD, OR JUDD NELSON FOR THAT MATTER. YOU'VE ACTUALLY SEEN HER RECENTLY IN THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND. SHE PLAYED THE HOT BLOND DOCTOR WHO RIDES THAT SCOTTISH TOOL. IN THE FIRST X-FILES "SPOOKY" AND DANA THWART E.T.'S PLANS TO COLONIZE OUR PLANET BY SEDUCING OUR WOMEN WITH REECES PIECES AND THE TYPE OF CHARM THAT CAN ONLY BE EXUDED BY ANYTHING WITH A FLAT-FACE AND GLOWING FINGERS. LIKE MY COUSIN JAMES. EXCEPT HE WASN'T AN ALIEN. HIS MOTHER JUST BEAT HIM IN THE FACE WITH A FRYING PAN AND EXTINGUISHED HER CIGARETTES WITH HIS INDEX FINGER. I CONSOLED HIM BY TELLING HIM HE LOOKED LIKE E.T. I LIKE TO THINK I HELPED. HE'S PRETTY CONFIDENT TODAY. ANYWAY, IF THE SCRIPT FOR THE X-FILES 2: I WANT TO BELIEVE IS HALF AS GOOD AS THE FIRST, IT SHOULD BE A WINNER. LOOK FOR IT THIS JULY. AND GET CAUGHT UP BY RENTING THE FIRST X-FILES MOVIE TONIGHT.

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL (RYAN GOSLING, EMILY MORTIMER;2007)

RYAN GOSLING PLAYS A GENIUS IN THIS ADORABLE DRAMEDY. CRAZY, AND SELF-ISOLATING FOR MONTHS, GOSLING'S CHARACTER, LARS, GIVES IN A BOFFS A PLASTIC DOLL HE ORDERED ONLINE. HOWEVER, BECAUSE THE ENTIRE TOWN PITIES HIM, HE DOESN'T STOP THERE. HE ACTUALLY PARADES THIS "HARD" BODY AROUND TOWN AS HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE BRINGS HER TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE, HIS BROTHER'S HOUSE, CHURCH AND TO HIS FAVORITE LAKE. THE TOWN PLAYS ALONG WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY THINK HE'S DELUSIONAL. I WILL WATCH THIS MOVIE AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK HE'S BRILLIANT. LARS MANAGES TO CONVINCE AN ENTIRE TOWN IT'S O.K. TO DATE A PLASTIC, LIFE-SIZED DOLL-SLUT. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONCEIVE A WAY TO DO THIS FOR YEARS. FIRST I KEPT HER IN MY BATHTUB, THEN I DRUNKENLY TOOK HER TO THE BAR (AS A "JOKE"), AND FINALLY, I TRULY "BROUGHT HER OUT" AT A DEBUTANTE BALL. THE LAST STEP WAS A LITTLE TRICKY AND FAILED. IT GOT WEIRD. FOR OTHERS. EVENTUALLY WE GOT CAUGHT IN THE H.O.V. LANE. APPARENTLY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DRIVING IN THE "CARPOOL" LANE WITH PLASTIC, OR INFLATABLE DOLLS TO FOOL THE TRAFFIC POLICE. NATURALLY THIS WASN'T OUR PROBLEM. JAMME (PRONOUNCED "JAMIE") WAS VERY REAL. HOWEVER, THE COPS FOUND COCAINE ON HER AND SHE BLEW A NOTHING. WHICH IS A APPARENTLY RARE. I EXPRESSED MY DISAPPOINTMENT WITH THE ARRESTING OFFICERS AND TOLD THEM TO BRING HER IN. THEY JUST SLOWLY BACKED AWAY AND DREW THEIR WEAPONS. ANYWAY, THE ROMANCE DIED THAT NIGHT. PLUS, I HEARD SHE TALKED TO THE COPS. AND WE ALWAYS AGREED SHE WOULDN'T TALK. IT WAS THIS BEST PART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP......I MOVED ON BUT AFTER SEEING THIS MOVIE I'M WILLING TO OPEN-UP AGAIN. I RECOMMEND YOU RENT THIS TODAY. -TMJ.

CONSPIRACY (VAL KILMER, JENNIFER ESPOSITO;2008)

VAL KILMER'S WEIGHT GAIN IS NO LONGER TOP SECRET. IN THIS ACTION PACKED CONFUSATHON, WHICH SHOULD REALLY BE CONSIDERED VAL KILMER'S RESIGNATION FROM THE MOVIE BUSINESS, ICE-MAN STARS AS A WOUNDED MARINE SUFFERING FROM P.T.S.D. WHICH IN VAL KILMER'S CASE STANDS FOR, PAIR of TITS & STOMACH-DICK. SERIOUSLY, THIS GUY'S PLAYING A MARINE BUT HE LOOKS LIKE CHILI SHIT. ANYWAY, SEMI-RETIRED, MEANING FULLY-DRUNK, VAL CRUISES UP TO ARIZONA TO VISIT A FRIEND WHO HAS SOME LAND AND WORK PROSPECTS.... START A NEW LIFE TYPE OF THING. YOU KNOW THE DRILL. HOWEVER, WHEN THE SAINT ARRIVES IN ARIZONA, AFTER SINGLE-HANDEDLY CAUSING A GREYHOUND BUS TO BURN AT LEAST TWO EXTRA TANKS OF GAS, HIS FRIEND IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. NATURALLY, ICE-MAN DOESN'T NOTIFY ANY AUTHORITIES BUT INSTEAD TURNS INTO AN ASS-KICKING P.I. THIS LEADS TO MANY PEOPLE DYING. SOME PROBABLY INNOCENT. I WOULD RECCOMEND WATCHING THIS ON TNT. THAT'S IT. THIS IS NOT KILMER'S BEST WORK. HOPEFULLY HIS NEXT PROJECT WILL BE, THE DOORS 2: HOW MORRISON FOUGHT OBESITY AND BRONCHITIS IN 1971.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ethan Hawke;2008)

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD, HE'LL MAKE YOU WATCH PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN HAVE SEX. WHICH IS THE OPENING ACT OF THIS FILM: P.S.H. PLOWING MARISA TOMEI. THE CLOSEST THING I COULD COMPARE THIS TO WOULD BE WATCHING A RHINOCEROS TAKE A SHIT ON A SMALL BIRD. PERHAPS A HUMMING BIRD. LORD KNOWS SHE WAS FLAPPING HER ARMS FASTER THAN A HUMMING BIRD'S WINGS IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO ESCAPE THE PHALLIC GRASP OF HER OBESE CAPTOR. I NEED TO STOP NOW. IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR LUNCH. ANYWAY, THE STORY IS ABOUT TWO BROTHERS WHO BOTH NEED FAST CASH FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. THE MORE WICKED OF THE TWO BROTHERS (HOFFMAN), COAXES HIS YOUNGER BROTHER (HAWKE) INTO ROBBING A JEWELRY STORE. THE CATCH IS, THE JEWELRY STORE IS OWNED BY THEIR PARENTS. THE ROBBERY GOES HAYWIRE AND FROM THERE EACH BROTHERS' CONSCIENCE EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND EMOTIONS A MINUTE. THE ACTING IS GOOD TO INCREDIBLE, DEPENDING TO WHICH ACTOR WE'RE REFERRING (HOFFMAN BEING THE BEST AS USUAL). THE STORY IS POWERFUL, ORIGINAL AND VERY DISTURBING. THE MOVIE IS DEFINITELY WORTH RENTING. AND I RECOMMEND YOU START THIS MOVIE ON "SCENE 2: YOU WILL ACHIEVE ERECTION AGAIN BECAUSE YOU AVOIDED SCENE 1."

IRON MAN (ROBERT DOWNEY JR.;2008)

ROBERT DOWNEY'S NEW REHAB SUIT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY FOOL PROOF. IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LIPS TO WRAP AROUND A CRACK PIPE. IT DOESN'T HAVE A NOSE WITH WHICH TO SNORT COCAINE. AND DEALER'S BULLETS BOUNCE RIGHT OFF THIS PUPPY, NOT TO MENTION NEEDLES. I SUPPOSE "IRON MAN," A.K.A INMATE 3895, COULD LIE ON HIS BACK AND POUR WHISKEY THROUGH THE MOUTH PIECE BUT IF THAT'S IT.....WE'LL TAKE IT! CONGRATULATIONS RDJ! YOU. ARE. CURED. NOW GO SPREAD THE WORD WILD MAN......THIS MOVIE IS THE BEST SUPERHERO MOVIE NEXT TO CHRISTIAN BALE'S BATMANS. THOUGH BATMAN IS STILL FAR SUPERIOR, ROBERT DOWNEY'S PERFORMANCE AS TONY STARK IS HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. GYNWETH PALTROW IS PERFECT AS RDJ'S UNSEXY/SEXY ASSISTANT, AND WE ALL KNOW JEFF BRIDGES IS A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING....SO HE WORKS OUT WELL AS THE BAD GUY. THE ENDING TO IRON MAN HAS A NEAT LITTLE TWIST AS WELL. IT'S SIMPLE AND INCREDIBLY FUN. EXACTLY WHAT A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER SHOULD BE. GET ON LINE RIGHT NOW. -TMJ

CSI: COKE SPEED INJECTION

COPS: "WAIT...WAIT...GET THIS GUYS...O.K., O.K... HEY GARY CAN, UM, WE GET A DNA SAMPLE (SNICKER)? NO...WAIT...WAIT..HOW 'BOUT A BLOOD CULTURE?" AHAHAHAHAHA. "WE'RE JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE FUCKED. GET IN THE CAR ASSHOLE."