10,000 B.C. (STEVEN STRAIT, CARNILLA BELLE, CLIFF CURTIS; 2008)

TO YOUR LEFT YOU'LL SEE THE STAR OF THIS EPIC: THE WOOLLY MAMMOTH. TURNS OUT, THIS TUSKED ACTOR IS ACTUALLY JACK NICHOLSON IN A BODY WIG. THE STUDIO OFFERED A FAT SUIT, BUT, IN TRUE BRANDO FASHION, JACK APPEARED ON THE SET 8 TONS OVER ANY ELEVATOR'S MAXIMUM CAPACITY. NICHOLSON THEN PROCEEDED TO PERFECT HIS CRAFT BY MASTURBATING IN THE SET'S PORTO-POTTY, UNAWARE THAT HIS MICROPHONE WAS STILL ON. APPARENTLY, ALL THE CAST OVERHEARD WAS, "C'MON LITTLE BUDDY, NOBODY REMEMBERS THE TWO JAKES." THIS COMMENT WAS FOLLOWED BY A "JOKER'S" CACKLE AND A GRUNT OF RELIEF. EXPECT A PAGAN ELEPHANT AT THE 2008 OSCARS. O.K. THEN.... 10,000 B.C. IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HOLLYWOOD FUCKS UP LEGENDS OF THE FALL, LAST OF THE MOHICANS, AND/OR BRAVEHEART. AT ITS BASE, THIS FILM IS A LOVE STORY THAT COULD'VE HAD MORE MEANING IF IT TOOK PLACE IN 2,000 A.D. IN AN EXXON BATHROOM. AT ITS ZENITH, THIS MOVIE IS A SLAVE REVOLT IN AN EGYPT UNDER CONSTRUCTION. THOUGH, TECHNICALLY, THE FINAL BATTLE, TAKES PLACE AT "THE END OF THE WORLD." HOWEVER, IT'S DIFFICULT FOR ANYONE WITH A 3RD GRADE EDUCATION, TO NOT MAKE COMPARISONS BETWEEN "THE END OF THE WORLD," AND COCK-SMOKING, SLAVE-DRIVING, FUCKHEAD PHARAOHS, WHO HAD A KNACK FOR MATH AND AN OBSESSION WITH 3-D TRIANGLES. THE MOST HYSTERICAL SCENE WAS WITNESSING THE ENEMIES' GOD. I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS MR. BELVEDERE. IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THIS LAUGH, DO IT IN THEATRES. IT'S SCENIC. IF YOU PLAN TO RENT IT, I RECOMMEND SQUIRTING LEMON JUICE IN YOUR EYES.....BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A REAL "GOOD TIME." -TMJ