PUMP UP THE VOLUME (CHRISTIAN SLATER, SAMANTHA MATHIS, DIVINITY; 1990)

IN THE SUMMER OF 1990 SOMETHING AMAZINGLY SWEET HAPPENED. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER READING ABOUT THIS EVENT IN THE NEWS. TWO ESKIMO PEOPLE WERE FISHING OFF A HIGH RURAL BLUFF NEAR LEMINGTON, ONTARIO, WHEN THEY SPOTTED WHAT APPEARED TO BE TWO MEN WALKING ON WATER ACROSS LAKE EERIE. WHEN THEIR STORY WAS FIRST REPORTED MOST PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS COMPLETELY FABRICATED; SEEING AS HOW IT WAS A POOR FISHING SEASON AND THESE ESKIMOS NEEDED THE FUNDS. THOSE WHO BELIEVED THE INUITS, HOWEVER, BELIEVED THEY’D SEEN TWO JESUSES, OR PERHAPS TWO RESTLESS SPIRITS OF THE ANCIENT HURON OR IROQUOIS TRIBE. (TWO WARRING FACTIONS OF INDIANS WHO HAD RUTHLESSLY BATTLED EACH OTHER OFF THE SOUTHERN COAST OF LAKE EERIE HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO). I’M HERE TO INFORM YOU THAT IT WAS NEITHER MULTIPLE JESI, NOR NATIVE AMERICAN SPIRITS, BUT NONE OTHER THAN CHRISTIAN SLATER AND RAY LIOTTA. TODAY, WE KNOW FROM SCIENTIFIC DNA RESEARCH FROM CSI: MIAMI, THAT THE HEAVENS HAD BESTOWED THE GIFT OF "WATER-WALKING" UPON THESE TWO ACTORS FOR THE CONTRIBUTIONS THEY MADE TO AMERICAN CINEMA IN 1990. RAY LIOTTA WITH GOODFELLAS, AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, CHRISTIAN SLATER WITH PUMP UP THE VOLUME. HOWEVER, THEIR "GIFT" WAS BITTERSWEET. THE CATCH WAS THAT, AFTER THEY WALKED ON WATER, EACH ACTOR COULD ONLY CHOSE ONE MORE ROLE FOR THE WORLD TO REMEMBER THEM BY. SLATER, WITH THE LORD’S BLESSING, CHOSE TRUE ROMANCE. LIOTTA, SHORTLY BEFORE GOING TO HELL, CHOSE TURBULENCE. NEITHER HAS EVER BEEN HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU NEVER SAW PUMP UP THE VOLUME, YOU WERE NEVER AS COOL AS YOU THINK.