PERFUME: A STORY OF MURDER (DUSTIN HOFFMAN, HANS GRUBER, BEN WISHAW, SMELLY GIRLS; 2006)

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I’VE SEEN SINCE 1985’S OUT OF AFRICA. THIS ROMP STARS THE REAL "HOFF" AS A 17TH CENTURY PERFUMIST. LIKE THE MOVIE JERK, HE’S GOT A REAL NOSE FOR ADVENTURE. THE STORY FOCUSES ON A GHETTO CHILD WHO’S BEEN SNEAKING UP ON CHICKS IN BACK ALLEYS AND SMELLING THEM. LITERALLY, HE SNEAKS UP, QUIET AS LARYNGITIS, AND SNIFFS THEIR NECKS, FOR STARTERS. NOW, ACCORDING TO HISTORY, THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL 17TH CENTURY BEHAVIOR. WE FORGET HOW WE USED TO ENTERTAIN OURSELVES BEFORE SEINFELD. SOME OF US PLAYED "WHO CAN HOLD THEIR BALLS OVER A CANDLE LONGER," SOME OF US WOULD JOUST, AND SOME WOULD SMELL OTHER INDIVIDUALS ON DARK CITY STREETS. THE PROBLEM IS, OUR PROTAGONIST, JEAN-BAPTISTE, TAKES HIS NASAL ASSAULTS TOO FAR, AND SOME OF THESE STINKY BROADS END UP DEAD. HOWEVER, THERE’S ONE VICTIM, WHO’S SMELL INFATUATES JEAN-BAPTISTE. HE TRIES TO RECAPTURE HER SCENT IN A PERFUME WITH THE HELP OF HIS NEWLY ACQUIRED "MASTER," PLAYED BY THE "HOFF 1." THE MOVIE IS WORTH RENTING IF YOU’RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING STRANGER THAN TOM CRUISE. IT’S SLOW AND LONG (2HR 35MIN) BUT DEFINITELY ORIGINAL. THE ONLY PROBLEM I HAD WITH PERFUME, IS THAT I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE REALLY SMELLED IN 17TH CENTURY FRANCE. I IMAGINE THEY SMELLED SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TO THE WAY THEY DO TODAY. WHICH IS AN ALARMING SCENT, BARING A STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO A MIXTURE OF GOAT CHEESE, CANTALOUPE, AND RHINO SHIT.