Saturday, February 2, 2008

THE EYE (JESSICA ALBA, ALESSANDRO NIVOLA, PARKER POSEY;2008)


WELL, LIONSGATE EVENTUALLY HAD TO DISTRIBUTE A BAD MOVIE. BETTER SOONER THAN LATER. I'M JUST SURPRISED IT DIDN'T STAR SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR OR TOBIN BELL. THIS MOVIE STARS JESSICA ALBA AS A BLIND GIRL WHO REGAINS HER SIGHT BY SURGICALLY TRADING EYES WITH A MEXICAN GIRL WHO SAW THE DEAD, IMMEDIATLY BEFORE, AND AFTER THEY MET THEIR VARIOUS ENDS. UNFORTUNATELY, HOLLYWOOD STEPPED IN AND PROVIDER JESSICA ALBA'S CHARACTER WITH A 29 YEAR OLD MALE MODEL FOR A DOCTOR." THIS "DOCTOR" SPECIALIZES IN TEACHING THE HUMAN BRAIN TO ADAPT TO THE SENSORY OVERLOAD THAT ACCOMPANIES UNEXPERIENCED VISION. WHICH, APPARENTLY, ASSAULTS THE MIND LIKE A MARS BAR TO AN ETHOPIAN. DOC HOLLYWOOD COMES EQUIPPED WITH THE STANDARD FIVE O' CLOCK SHADOW AND HIS G.E.D. GRANTED, IF JESSICA ALBA WERE MY DOCTOR, I'D REQUEST A PROSTATE EXAM AND ADAMANTLY DENY THE POSTIVE TEST RESULTS FOR THE CLAP. WAIT A MINUTE... IF I COULD SEE THE DEAD, I COULD SLEEP WITH THE DEAD, AND LAST I CHECKED IT'S STILL "'TILL DEATH DO US PART." WHICH MEANS, NO ALIMONY, NO PREGNANCY, NO WEIGHT GAIN, 'CAUSE THE DEAD DON'T EAT, AND ALWAYS A RESERVATION FOR ONE WITH A SIDE OF, "HEY MY WIFE'S DEAD! WHAT'LL YOU DO FOR A HIT AND A HOT POCKET LITTLE LADY?" THERE AREN'T ANY SURPRISES IN THIS MOVIE IN TERMS OF THE STORY. HOWEVER, THE CHEAP THRILLS ARE OBNOXIOUS AND EVERYWHERE, BUT DRIVING DOWN THE 405 FREEWAY IS STILL MORE EXCITING.

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