Wednesday, January 2, 2008

SPIDERMAN 3 (TOBEY MAGUIRE, KIRSTEN DUNST; 2007)


TOBEY MAGUIRE SHOULD BE IN COSTUME THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE. NOT BECAUSE I LIKE SPIDER-MAN'S SEXY TIGHTS THAT MUCH, OR THE LOADS HE SHOOTS FROM HIS WRISTS, BUT BECAUSE HE'S SO PATHETIC. IT'S OBVIOUS HE WAS SHOVED IN HIGH SCHOOL LOCKERS, JUST AS MUCH AS IT'S OBVIOUS MR. CLEAN IS AN O.C.D. NEO-NAZI. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT SKIN-HEAD ARIAN IS STILL IN ADS. COULD YOU IMAGINE MR. CLEAN'S BEGINNINGS, WHEN HE WAS SELLING DOOR TO DOOR AND SUDDENLY FOUND HIMSELF IN A BLACK NEIGHBOURHOOD WITH A BOTTLE OF WINDEX AND THAT QUEER TWINKLE IN HIS EYE? ..."HI, I'M SCOTT CLEAN AND YOUR WINDOWS LOOK A LITTLE DUSTY.' 'I CAN ALSO FLOSS THAT ILLEGAL PARAPHERNALIA FOR YOU.' 'THAT IS IF YOU'D PREFER A CLEANER HIT AND BETTER VIEW?" WOW. THE FACT THAT THAT 80'S COMMERCIAL MISTAKE WASN'T STRUNG UP AND SHOT GUNNED IS TRULY SUPERHUMAN. TOBEY MAGUIRE MAKES ME FEEL AS SAFE AS THAT GIRL DRIVING WITH TED KENNEDY IN '69. YOU REMEMBER, BRIDGE, BOOZE, CRASH, DEATH, COVER UP. FORTUNATELY, SPIDERMAN DOESN'T EXIST AND THE KENNEDY CURSE DOES. THE FORMER BECAUSE IT'S A CARTOON, AND LATTER BECAUSE THEY FUCKING DESERVE IT. THIS MOVIE SUCKED.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is great stuff, but I wonder if you're making any money with those ads, because I hear you need people to actually read your blog to make money.

Anonymous said...

You're 10 million is in the bank movie jerk