THIS CINEMATIC MIRACLE GOT POOR REVIEWS. THE MOVIE JERK GIVES IT AN A+. AS AN AUTHORITY ON MOVIES, COCAINE, THE RUSSIAN MAFIA, AND THE 1980'S, I'll TELL YOU WHY MY GRADES COUNT MY PRIVILEGED YOUNGSTERS. IT'S BECAUSE I WATCH MOVIES, SNORT COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COKE, STILL OWE 40,000 DOLLARS TO THE RUSSIANS (ALONG WITH 3 FULL DAY SKI LIFT TICKETS IN VERBIER), AND WAS BORN IN '81. I VOTED WHEN I WAS 2. IF THAT'S NOT A RESUME FOR DISASTER, THEN I GUESS WE REALLY ARE, MYSTERIOUSLY, "VICTIMS" OF OUR ENVIRONMENTS, OR PERHAPS JUST VICTIMS OF OUR OWN EXISTENCE. I EXPECT REPARATIONS FROM E.F. HUTTON AND DEAN WITTER. WHEN I RECEIVE THOSE, I'LL PROVIDE REPARATIONS FOR THE AFRICAN AMERICAN, SPANISH, JEWISH, AND WHITE TRASH COMMUNITIES, ALONG WITH CAMP SPEARS, AND SEAN PENN'S YACHT. UNTIL THEN, FUCK YOU, AND RENT THIS CRYSTAL DVD TO WITNESS NEW YORK CITY PRE-GULIANI. THIS FILM'S SET IN 1988, WHEN COPS WERE SHOT AT QUICKER THAN DOC HOLLI DAY, AND TIME'S SQUARE, OR THE 6 TRAIN, WAS A SAFE PLACE TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY FOR UNDER A GRAND. MOTELY CRUE WAS THE VOICE OF A NATION AND STRAY BULLETS WERE AS COMMON AS NUTS IN A SNICKER'S BAR. WE'VE MADE ENORMOUS STRIDES THROUGH DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICAN FAILURES. THIS MOVIE BEAUTIFULLY REMINDS US OF A TIME WHEN WE ONLY FUCKED OURSELVES. MAYBE THIS 5$ RENTAL CAN ENTERTAIN YOU INTO REALIZING SOME KID, SOMEWHERE, STARVED FOR YOUR FLAT SCREEN. I LIKE BIG. I LIKE BETTER. HOWEVER, I DON'T LIKE ANYONE WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE A MOVIE THAT CAN HONESTLY BE CONSIDERED "ART." RENT THIS FOR PHOENIX ALONE...THAT IS IF YOU MISINTERPRETED THE MESSAGE I NEVER MADE. -THE MOVIE JERK
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